Archive for category General Weirdness
Century Media To Sue Man For Singing Iced Earth Songs In The Shower
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 24, 2012
In a move designed to discourage the unauthorized distribution of their albums as well as to bleed money from their audience, German based record label Century Media have brought suit against a Little Rock, Arkansas man for illegal singing Iced Earth songs in the shower. The man, identified as David Chaste, a mechanic and father of four young children, began singing the chorus from the Iced Earth song “Wolf” while taking a shower after work on August 5th, 2012. Chaste, who did not own the album the song was on, was overheard by his wife and, therefore, was distributing property that did not belong to him.
According to Cy Ganiff, the lawyer for the company, this sort of distribution of stolen property makes Chaste liable for nearly one million dollars in damages against the company. However, Century Media has offered to make the lawsuit go away if Chaste simply agrees to pay thousands of dollars in legal costs or name his next child Napalm Death.
According to Century Media spokesman James Heister, the record industry loses millions of dollars a year on people using their products without permission. “Think about how many people sing songs by Century Media bands on a regular basis. That is revenue the label is entitled to. After all, it is our property and they haven’t paid to use it,” said Heister, while kicking a puppy and burning a baby with a lit cigarette.
Last month, Century Media brought suit against Myrtle Washington, a 92-year-old woman who was overheard humming “The Star Spangled Banner” on line at a Kroger in New Port Richey, Florida. “The Star Spangled Banner” was, of course, first used on the Iced Earth album “The Glorious Burden”. The case was dismissed as by a local magistrate because it was considered frivolous, but that hasn’t stopped the label from looking for other creative new streams of revenue. Novel new methods of fundraising, like kidnapping and ransoming the children of those involved in illegal file sharing, are being strongly considered.
In spite of the unpopularity of the suit among many fans, some have rallied in support of the label’s right to use the American legal system as a giant extortion machine. Ralph Sycophant, a lifelong metalhead, self proclaimed rebel and founder of the internet protest group called Property Over People, believes that Century Media should continue with the lawsuit. “Companies have the right to do anything they want in order to make a profit. This is America. It’s in the Constitution,” said Sycophant.
Metalhead Immolates Self In Protest Of Rolling Stone List Of Top 100 Metal Bands
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 21, 2012
The war over Rolling Stone’s list of the Top 100 metal albums of all time just got more heated. On Thursday morning, metalhead activist Steve Dalkowski lit himself on fire in his living room in Asbury Park, New Jersey in an attempt to show his anger at the recent Top 100 list. The fire consumed two-thirds of his house and his entire collection of Pig Destroyer live DVDs. According to a note left by Dalkowski, he could “no longer live in a world where Borknagar’s 2012 release Urd is not given its proper respect by metal fans and the media as a whole.”
Dalkowski’s note, which railed against several notable omissions from the list, was scrawled on the back of a gatefold vinyl copy of “Anthems to The Welkin At Dusk”. It included a scathing critique of the list, which he noted “failed to include anything by Darkthrone, Mayhem or any of the early Gorgoroth records.” Further, he added that “the doom genre got totally and completely ignored. What sort of Top 100 list would leave out anything by St. Vitus?” He finished the note by excoriating the writers at Rolling Stone for “not even knowing which Death album James Murphy was on.”
Rolling Stone’s list has been criticized by many metalheads for including bands that are not traditionally considered heavy metal. Number 23 on the list, for example, was Bob Dylan’s “Blonde on Blonde”. The Shins “Oh, Inverted World” and Kanye West’s “Late Registration” were also considered worthy of being in the Top 100 causing great consternation among those who follow metal. Still, Dalkowski’s reaction is considered extreme.
Dalkowski’s self-immolation is the latest in a string of metal related self-disfigurements. Two months ago, Nevada metalhead Jim Loudermilk doused himself in sulfuric acid to protest Cryptopsy’s failure to use fretless bass on their recent self-titled album. Last week, metal fan James Riley drowned himself in a giant vat of mustard in order to voice his displeasure that Bolt Thrower is not being allowed to play two sets at this year’s Maryland Death Fest.
Dalkowski is currently in critical condition at Mount Sinai hospital with burns over 90 percent of his body. Doctors expect a full recovery but believe he might never again be able to grow hair on his tongue.
Chicago Teachers Strike After Venom Is Banned From Classrooms
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 18, 2012
Chicago’s pro-Venom teacher strike has entered its second week with little hope of a quick resolution. The strike, started by teachers in response to Mayor Rahm Emmanuel’s order to shelve the controversial “Cronos In The Classroom” program, has left parents struggling to find childcare and students ecstatic over not having to be crammed into overcrowded classrooms while being pushed from standardized test to standardized test like a mindless herd of cattle.
Chicago teachers began using Venom songs to help students improve in reading and mathematics. One unit of the program, “Algebra with Abaddon” teaches 8th graders by using problems like this: Chuck has 25 human heads collected for the Dark Lord Satan in his basement while Li has only collected 12. If Li collects 5 heads a month and Chuck only collects 3, when will Li have more heads than Chuck and get to wear the Mark of the Beast?
The program, started by former Flesh Eating Head Wound bassist and 9th grade Chicago public school English teacher Matt Strobe in 2006, was meant to teach basic skills in a way that is fun and engaging. “Much of what students see in the classroom feels disconnected and alien. Many of our students are heavily involved in Satan worship and animal sacrifice. The program was meant to speak to them in a language they understand and can relate to,” declared Strobe during a recent interview with the Chicago Sun Times.
The program was being used in fifteen schools when Emmanuel pulled the plug on it. In spite of being wildly popular with the students and being cited as a major reason that attendance has dramatically improved, Emmanuel felt the program had to go. “Obviously, there were issues over the content of the Venom songs being used. Satanic murder rampages are not something a school should endorse. Still, that wasn’t the main issue. We stopped the program because test scores in math and reading had declined,” said Emmanuel in a press conference last Monday.
The program has been replaced with one called “Consumer Magic”, a series of units meant to teach test taking skills and breed mindless obedience to authority figures and corporations. “Consumer Magic” has been tested in several cities and has led to higher test scores and a stronger willingness by students to engage in positive social activities like shopping and repeating what well-educated adults have already said.
For teachers, the end of a program like “Cronos in the Classroom” was enough to send them to the picket line. One possible compromise is the introduction of a program called “From Bathory to The Boardroom”, a mix of satanic, death-affirming values, corporate ideology and time tested learning strategies. The program is being considered by both the teachers union and the city and might offer a way out of the current impasse.
Metalheads Storm US Embassy in Cleveland; Demand End To Opeth Song
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 14, 2012
Chanting “Death to King Crimson Influenced Prog Metal”, thousands of enraged metalhead protesters stormed the US Embassy in Cleveland last night burning, looting and thrashing everything in sight. The protestors, enraged by a 4-year-long performance of Opeth’s “Black Rose Immortal”, tossed copies of Opeth albums along with several mellotrons onto a burning pyre just inside of the embassy gates.
Opeth began performing the song at Cleveland’s famed Agora Ballroom back on September 12th, 2008 and have been unwilling to conclude the song in the years since. The song was meant to be the finale to a highly successful show, but it kept going on. First for hours, then days, then weeks, then years. The crowd, which was filled to capacity at the start of the song, began dwindling. By December of that year, only 7 fans were left in the building, but the band played on.
Alfredo Garcia, the head promoter for the Agora, has tried everything possible to get them off of the stage. The sound was unplugged, the lights were turned out, a court order was issued to remove them, the local police attempted to tear gas them, he even hired a gang of hooligans and disgruntled Browns fans to rough the band up, all to no avail.
The people of Cleveland had finally had enough. Groups of wild-eyed protestors camped out in front of the Agora to try to force them to stop. When that didn’t work, they marched on the US Embassy and held over three months of boisterous demonstrations imploring President Obama to call out the National Guard in order to end the song.
Frustration and anger finally boiled over when a popular local Cleveland radio station made the mistake of playing Opeth’s “The Leper Affinity”. Several metalheads began scaling the walls of the compound and a full-scale invasion took place. Miraculously, only one person was injured, a 34-year-old man whose bullet necklace exploded while he was helping to set a car on fire.
In an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition, Opeth frontman Mikeal Akerfeldt claimed that the band would eventually finish the song but “hadn’t yet gotten to the bass solo or the 2-year-long piano outro.” He was stunned by the chaos the song had caused. “We have to be living in a pretty ridiculous world to have music cause this level of violence and hatred. You’d have to be a highly deluded fool to attack an embassy based on one piece of artistic expression,” lamented Akerfeldt right before he launched into an unprecedented 1467th acoustic guitar break.
Billionaire Sheldon Adelson to Open Exclusive Black Metal Only Golf Course and Country Club
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 12, 2012
In a move designed to give committed black metal fans a break from having to spend time around people who consider Dimmu Borgir a true black metal band, billionaire casino owner and former Marduk bassist Sheldon Adelson plans to open the world’s first black metal only golf course and country club. The club will be meant to provide recreational and networking opportunities to those who are true to the cause of real black metal. The club will not allow any fake metal posers to join or even play as guests.
Adelson, a multi-million dollar contributor to political campaigns and groups that deal with social issues, has always felt that the cause of black metal elitism was close to his heart. He has given over 12 million dollars to Black Metal Listeners for Decency, a group that has lobbied the US Congress for several years in order to pass a law that force music retailers to only sell black metal albums to those who can provide valid proof of metal purity. Proof would include a signed letter from Fenriz, pictures of the person burning down a church or skull fragments from Euronymous.
The country club, set on 300 plush acres in the hills of North Carolina, will feature a course designed by legendary golf architect Robert Trent Jones. In spite of the traditional location and set up, the club will feature some unique and somewhat bizarre rules. Only those in corpse paint will be allowed to enter the clubhouse. In order to play the course, members must wear golf spikes as well as an authentic tour shirt from a black metal concert that took place before 1994. The only languages that will be spoken at the club will be Old Norse or Burzamtine, a language developed by Varg Vikernes during his time in prison.
Several poser rights groups have come out in opposition to creating a country club that practices discrimination. Arnold Vespesian, Director of Posers For Equality, and 100 of his followers have descended on North Carolina Sunday and began protesting the opening of the club. Vespasian is appalled that in this day and age a country club could be allowed to restrict its members based on their taste in music. “After all, aren’t people supposed to be judged on the content of their character, not the contents of their IPod? This is America!” announced Vespasian to a cheering group of kids in Cradle of Filth shirts outside of a Hot Topic in Charlotte’s Northlake Mall.
In spite of the protests, the course is still on track for a Spring 2013 opening. The course opening is expected to be attended by some of the top names in black metal and golf including Secthdamon, Tiger Woods and Destructhor.
Black Metal God Sheldon Adelson
Children Of Bodom To Promote New Album By Putting A Dog In A Dryer
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 10, 2012
If you are even a casual metal fan, you’ve seen your share of church burnings, corpse paint, virgin sacrifices, dead animals on stage and even the occasional Finn on Finn homicide. You’ve seen pirate metal. You’ve seen bands do entire concerts covered in potting soil. You’ve seen Vikings. You’ve seen limbless guitarists play Yngwie Malmsteen solos with their noses. You’ve seen bands play with orchestras. You’ve seen groups of naked lepers playing grindcore versions of Steely Dan songs. Most metal fans have seen it all. Until now.
On December 21st, 2012, Children of Bodom plan to take the metal gimmick to a place it has never gone before. In order to promote their forthcoming record “Collecting Pictures of Autopsies To Impress Girls”, Children of Bodom singer Alexi “Wildchild” Laiho plans to put a live dog in a dryer and hit start. The stunt, which will take place in Cleveland’s famed Agora Ballroom, will be performed in front of a crowd of 12,000,000 of Ohio’s most devoted metalheads.
The band plans to open the show with “Beaten To Death With An Armadillo”, the first single off of the new record. Then, during one of the 12 solos in the song, Alexi will throw Shemp, an 11-year-old French poodle, into a 14-cycle high efficiency front-loading Maytag dryer. During the concert’s finale, the dog will be removed from the dryer and forced to run through a make shift obstacle course created by the band on stage. Hijinks will ensue.
Children of Bodom are not the only metal artists boldly pushing in this creative new direction. Dimmu Borgir plan to interrupt their own concert in November by flushing oranges down all the toilets on the top floor of The Masquerade in Atlanta simultaneously. Cradle of Filth made news earlier in the month when singer Dani Filth began prank phone calling local supermarkets on stage and asking them if they had Prince Albert in a can. Behemoth even went so far as to put several sets of fake chattering teeth on the stage during a show last week in Dubuque, Iowa.
Not everyone is as excited about this event as Children of Bodom’s Hatecrew of wild-eyed, dog suffering hungry fans. Several groups have planned protests including People For The Ethical Torment Of Cows and Other Edible Beasts (PETAC). According to PETAC leader Emmett Fassbinder, The Children have threatened to not clean the lint screen before the dryer is started putting audience members at risk for “a fiery, horrific death.”
Carcass Members Ask Obama To Stop Using “Regurgitation of Giblets” As Campaign Theme Song
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 4, 2012
On the eve of this years’ Democratic National Convention, President Barack Obama is facing tough criticism from death metal legends Carcass. Obama, who regularly uses the splatter-grind classic “Regurgitation of Giblets” as intro music before his speeches, was asked to “cease and desist” from using the song until his policies match “the spirit in which the song was intended.”
According to Carcass singer Jeff Walker, “Regurgitation” was meant “to address the deeper themes of dehumanization in the work place, consumer alienation and the effects of modernity on the human form.” Guitarist Bill Steer reiterated Walker’s statement and added, “The song certainly wasn’t meant to help elect the President of the United States, a nation that is, after all, the largest dehumanizing, alienating force in the history of organized society.”
Obama, a die-hard Carcass fan, had been using the song to contrast the campaign’s message of stability and progress with the Republican themes of blind panic and race-baiting. He has even managed to use lines from it in a campaign speech in Dubuque, Iowa last month. “Romney’s America is one where the average American will be spewing up his or her collective sanguined guts into a wooden box. I ask you, do you want to be trapped in that type of sarcophagus? Is that the sarcophagus we want for our children?”
In deference to Carcass, the Obama campaign will no longer be using the song. They have decided to switch to either Clinton era favorite “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac or “Epitaph of the Credulous” by Suffocation. However, the campaign plans to keep distributing the 30,000 Carcass themed “Festerday In America” pro-Obama tee-shirts that they have been handing to supporters at campaign rallies.
This is not the first time that an American political campaign has run into trouble over the use of a song. Back in 1984, Bruce Springsteen strongly objected to Ronald Reagan’s use of “Born in the USA” as a campaign anthem. In 1840, the band Cattle Decapitation went to court to stop William Henry Harrison from using the song “I Eat Your Skin” in several television commercials.
Occasionally, however, metal bands lend their support to help a campaign. In 2000, metal godfathers Death re-recorded their first album under the new title of “Scream Albert Gore”, in order to support the Democratic Presidential candidate. While Gore did not become President, the album was credited with helping him win the hotly contested State of Florida in his campaign against George W Bush.
Gorguts to Guest Star On Thursday Night’s Episode of The Honeymooners
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 26, 2012
They are Canada’s favorite technical death metal band and now they are set to appear on CBS’ hit television show The Honeymooners. Gorguts, those wild and crazy Quebecean death metallers who burst on the scene in 1993 with their Top 40 hit “Orphans of Sickness”, will become the first band ever to appear on the show. Honeymooners star Jackie Gleason is a huge fan of the band who claims to have listened to the album Obscura over 400 times in a row when it was released. Gleason, who became a fan when Considered Dead was released in 1991, said in a recent interview that no band he knows of “has been able to link the primal, bestial rage in the human soul with such profound, technical craftsmanship.”
The episode titled “Hey, Hey Luc Lemay, How Many Kids Did You Kill Today?” was filmed on Monday afternoon in front of a live studio audience. The story is thought to be one of the more experimental Honeymooners episodes, although by no means as surreal as the episode where Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton are trapped in the stomach of a moose.
It begins with a knock on the door from a shady, elderly man played by Sir John Gielgud, the elderly British actor known for his stirring performance as the butler in the movie Arthur. Gielgud introduces himself as “Luther” and hands Alice Kramden a box. He tells her she has three wishes once she opens the box, but should be careful what she wishes for.
After the man leaves, Alice and Ralph tear the box open only to find the paw of a monkey with a bow around it. Ralph holds up the paw and wishes for enough money to never have to work again. Suddenly, a box appears on their coffee table. Ralph opens it and is stunned by piles of hundred dollar bills. However, he is appalled to realize that in the box is also the severed head of his neighbor Ed Norton (played by the loveable Art Carney).
In spite of the beheading of Ed, they decide they are glad to have gotten the money and decide to make another wish. This time Alice holds the paw up and wishes that she could get the chance to see Gorguts live for the first time. Immediately, there is a knock on the door and the band appears. They run around the house smashing the furniture and throwing food at each other. Singer Luc Lemay knocks Ralph to the ground and tries to force him to swallow mustard until he chokes. Meanwhile, guitarist Kevin Hufnagel destroys Ralph’s favorite bowling trophy by attempting to play a solo from “Rottenatomy” using the trophy as a guitar pick. Finally, Alice has had enough. She holds up the paw and screams, “I wish Gorguts would go away!!!!!”
With that, the band disappears and the archangel Gabriel appears on top of the dining room table blowing his horn. Ralph, covered in mustard, launches into a recital of a Willie Loman monologue from Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman” while Alice begins to grow a teeth out of the side of her face. The episode ends with Ed’s head rolling onto the floor and the entire cast, including the head, launching into an impromptu version of the song “Officer Krupke” from the musical West Side Story.
Gorguts appearance on The Honeymooners is not the first appearance of a metal band on a major television show. Who could forget the time Anthrax rocked out on Married With Children? Or the time Immolation played “Into Everlasting Fire” with Ricky Ricardo’s band on I Love Lucy? Gorguts’ appearance on The Honeymooners is certain to rank as one of the most entertaining and important moments in television history.
Parents Believe Listening To Vader Caused 9-Year-Old To Grow Hooves
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 18, 2012
Charlie Narveson’s Hands
Martha and Aaron Narveson have done their best to raise their 9-year-old Charlie the right way. He attends a good school, has eaten a healthy diet for the better part of his life and is an altar boy at one of the top rated churches in the country. They have followed all of the habits and rituals that should have resulted in a creating a well-adjusted, perfect 9-year-old. However, they were astonished last year when Charlie awoke with a severe case of equamanusitis, a rare condition where a person spontaneously grows hooves.
At first, they believed that environmental factors had led to their son’s horse-like transformation. They had a complete diagnostic workup done on the water in their home. They checked their basement for radon. They had Charlie checked for an additional thyroid gland. They even had a local priest perform an exorcism on Charlie and Irma, the family’s Yorkshire terrier. After all of the obvious possibilities had been exhausted, they began to realize the problem was right under their nose.
They had bought Charlie a copy of Vader’s 2006 record “Impressions in Blood” for his 8th birthday, mistakenly believing the album was music to one of the Star Wars films. Charlie immediately fell in love with the album, particularly the song “Field of Heads”, which he listened to everyday before going off to school. Once the parents started thinking about the album, all the pieces fell into place. “Charlie started listening to Vader, then he grew hooves. Cause and effect. It’s obvious what happened to him. We should have known it was the problem all along,” said Martha in an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition.
The parents immediately stopped Charlie from listening to Vader and rushed him to Dr. Clint Murphy, an expert in the field of Vader related illnesses. According to Dr. Murphy, Vader’s crushing rhythms and punishing vocals penetrated the inner walls of Charlie’s cerebellum and caused his body to have a strange and rare reaction.
As odd as this condition seems to be, Dr. Murphy treats over 100 patients a year who have had physical problems caused by exposure to Vader albums. He’s seen Vader listeners have problems that run the gamut from minor respiratory issues to a woman from Muncie, Indiana who suddenly began growing scallions out of her back.
Charlie has stayed clear of Vader for three months, but his hooves are still with him. He no longer has the urge to whinny at passing cars or eat carrots out of his parents’ hands, but he certainly has a long way to go. According to Dr. Murphy, if he can stay Vader-free for the next year or so, he might return to his old self. If not, the parents are planning on entering him into the Belmont Stakes in 2015.
Obama Removes Bill Ward’s Image From Mount Rushmore
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 21, 2012
Ward Allegedly Used To Be Between Roosevelt and Lincoln
In a move aimed at making Americans forget the achievements and contributions of former Black Sabbath drummer Bill Ward, President Barack Obama has taken the unique step of having his likeness removed from Mount Rushmore. Ward had been on the monument between Roosevelt and Lincoln since 1978.
The de-Wardization of Mount Rushmore comes at the end of a traumatic week for Ward, who has seen his image removed from the moon landing picture, the painting of Washington crossing the Potomac and even the website of his former bandmates Black Sabbath. Ward has remained mostly silent on the matter, but many insiders believe that there is an ongoing conspiracy in place to make the American public forget that Bill Ward ever existed.
Ward’s contributions to America are nearly unmatched. Who invented penicillin? Ward. Who was the first person in space? Ward. Who was the 23rd President of the United States? Ward. What President made the treaty with aliens from the Uhreih Galaxy and began a period of unmatched peace and prosperity? Ward. Who eliminated the use of anti-matter death rays? Ward. Who infiltrated Satan’s dark underworld and ended his grip on the souls of all mankind? Ward.
However, if you asked most Americans, they wouldn’t even know these significant events had taken place. A few might remember he was the drummer from Black Sabbath and little else.
Obama’s decision to wipe out the final link to Ward runs deeper than most people even know. The Obama administration has taken the rare step of removing all mentions of Ward from history as well as any pictures or paintings. They have even gone so far as to remove him from his own baby pictures.
When asked for comment about the matter in a press conference on Friday Obama remarked “Bill Who? I’m not aware of the person you are speaking of. Wasn’t he a drummer or something?”
Black Sabbath have also denied knowledge of the existence of Ward. Their official website now claims that Vinny Appice played drums on all of their early records. Singer Ozzy Osboune claims he knew an auto mechanic named Bob Ward once back in Yorkshire, but hasn’t spoken to him in 30 years. The rest of the band have denied even knowing that a person with the last name Ward has ever walked the earth.
Black Sabbath Without Original Drummer Vinny Appice
No one seems to know why Ward’s existence is being hidden from the human race. It is impossible to get an answer from anyone because the minute Ward’s name is mentioned, people who should have known him for years pretend they don’t know what you are talking about. Even his children now deny he existed.
The sudden disappearance of Ward’s image has led many to speculate that sinister plans are being made to completely eliminate Ward from the minds of people. Known conspiracy theorist and Ron Paul for President National Spokesman Art Bremer claims that the U.S. government is currently in development of a biological weapon that, once released, will wipe out all memory of Bill Ward.
Update: I wrote this article last night, but for some reason I can’t remember who this “Bill Ward” person is. I fell asleep at my keyboard and woke up with some strange story about a guy I’ve never heard of and all of his amazing achievements along with a terrible headache. I think he might have been a character I made up or something like that. Everyone knows that Vinny Appice was Black Sabbath’s first drummer and Benjamin Harrison was America’s 23rdPresident.
The Tyranny of Tradition 