Posts Tagged heavy metal music
The US Department of the Interior released a statement today, stating that the metal band name reserve is now almost completely depleted. America is quickly running out of metal band names and expects to be totally tapped out by the end of 2016.
“There has been a sharp proliferation of new metal bands in the last five years,” says Department of the Interior Spokesman Peter Hobbs, “and the result is that all the viable names have been expended, far ahead of our original projections.”
Hobbs says the first warning signs came in the form of name recycling and overuse. “We’ve seen cases of reused names despite being already claimed by established bands, along with purposely misspelled variations of names like ‘Nocturnel’, ‘Nockturnal’, or worse. It’s really proving to be a desperate situation. There are 28 bands worldwide named Mortuary, 7 within the United States alone. The time has come to ask how many Disgorges this nation, or this planet for that matter, can support.”
Adding to the crisis is the complete depletion of modifiers “Blood”, “Dark”, and “Black”. Additional alarm spread through the metal community earlier this month as it was discovered that “Grave” and “Funeral” had also been stretched beyond usability.
“At this point, we’ve got to get creative with our resources if we want to have any future metal bands,” asserts Hobbs, “and we need everyone’s cooperation. People must stop naming their bands ‘Goat-anything’ until further notice.”
As an additional precaution, the Department is also declaring an indefinite moratorium on anyone going by the nickname of “Metal Mike”.
You’ve probably seen them before. Unshaven, lacking in basic dental hygiene, often having so-called “long hair”, clad in tee-shirts with pictures of murder, cannibalism and other anti-social acts condoned by some the leaders of our secular government. This horde of axe-wielding maniacs and welfare recipients often refer to themselves as heavy metalheads and listen to bands with names like Gorguts, Bestial Walrus and Pungent Stench. Some heavy metalheads listen to as many as seventeen hours worth of this music per day while participating in acts self-mutilation and animal sacrifice. But now, there is hope.
In an attempt to cure these poor, wretched people of their dependence on this vile assault on good taste and middle class sensibility, the FDA today approved the use of arsenic in an attempt to treat what doctors have referred to as “heavy metal dependence”. The term, first coined by Tipper Gore’s personal physician Dr. Sigmund Rascher, has been diagnosed in 3 percent of America’s youth and, if left untreated, can be fatal.
In clinic trials, arsenic, when administered in large doses and coupled with strychnine, a natural herb recently approved by the FDA to fight inefficiency in the workplace, has been nearly 100 percent effective in curing heavy metalheads of their disorder. Mikey Melanoma, bass player from the band Malignant Cataplexy, recently emerged from his coma to talk about the powerful impact this new wonder drug has had on his life. “I used to listen to Obituary, Death, Morbid Angel, Slayer…whatever I could get my hands on. Now, all I really want to hear is soft piano music or the calm, soothing voice of my nurse bringing me apple juice. I’m cured.”
Some concerns have been raised by doctors about the use of arsenic in treating heavy metal dependency. Patients have reported blotching and severe skin rashes right before they slip into eternal slumber. However, applying doctor prescribed topical ointments usually clears this up within 24 hours. In spite of the side effects, the FDA stressed that arsenic is all natural, thus completely safe.
More help may be on the way next year. The FDA is looking into special carbon dioxide masks that can help those averse to swallowing pills. Special behavioral enhancement chambers are even being designed to cure hundreds of heavy metalheads at a time though the use of the carbon monoxide treatment. Also, special behavioral modification chairs are being designed to zap thousands of volts into the brains of the afflicted in order to help them become less of a drain on the millions of taxpayers who support these disease-bearing mongrels.
Often at Tyranny of Tradition, we receive strange emails from people. From being asked which metal band performs the best on stage animal sacrifice to getting lectured on how we are not a true metal website because we have done an article about The Devil Wears Prada, we thought we had seen everything. However, this is, by far, the best one that has ever graced our inbox.
Dear Mr. Spillett,
I write to you today to seek your help with a problem relating to my youngest son, Todd. I found a few articles from your website “The Tyranny of Tradition” while making a routine search of his computer and noticed that you are both a heavy metal fan and a parent. This may seem like a strange request, but I’m concerned about Todd thought you might be in the position to give us some assistance.
Up until 6 months ago, Todd was a truly talented, wonderful young man. He had a 4.0 grade point average and was in line for a lacrosse scholarship. He was an esteemed 11th grader at the illustrious Chatsworth Academy, the finest, most competitive prep school in Northeast. He was on his way to an Ivy League school and perhaps a successful career with a Park Avenue Law Firm or as the manager of a multi-million dollar hedge fund on Wall Street.
He was being invited to the best parties and making friends with some of the future leaders of this great nation. There were even some hints that he might be accepted to Pi Epsilon Kappa, a secret society for the most elite members of the Chatsworth community. Then, one horrible day, he picked up an album called “Vulgar Display of Power” by a band referred to as “Pantera”.
At first, Todd Sr. and I didn’t think it was that big a deal. After all, both of us have gone through our rebellious phases. Many of my closest friends don’t know this about me, but I went to a Bee Gees concert back in the 70s. In spite of this, I’ve gone on to be the President of our Neighborhood Association in one of the most exclusive gated communities in Connecticut. We just figured he would outgrow this dark and vile music quickly and get back to being the great American we all believe he can be.
Well, we were wrong. Lately, he’s gotten rid of his collared shirts and neatly pressed khakis and been wearing these “Pantera” shirts and jeans out in public. One of the shirts has a picture of a man being punched in the face, another has a picture of a drill going into a human head and one, which I have since thrown in the trash, had an unmentionable profanity in front of the word Hostile.
He’s been hanging out with a new crowd. Many of them are loud, unshaven and look like they haven’t taken a shower in quite a long time. Several of them look like they just robbed a 7-11. He seems less interested in his studies and even refused to go sailing with Todd Sr. in Kennebunkport last Saturday.
Honestly, we have no idea what to do. If this continues, his earning potential will decrease dramatically. He could end up one of those bums on skid row, in jail or even on his way to the electric chair. He’s talked about getting a tattoo that says “RIP Dime” on his back….God knows what that is a code for!!!! We think it might be part of an initiation to some heavy metal, biker gang or possibly part of a ritual from some satanic cult.
As his parent, we are worried that all of this “Pantera” music is simply making him dumber. We have considered locking him in his room on weekends, forcing him to have electro-shock therapy and taking away his music listening privileges until he stops acting like an animal. Todd Sr. even suggested hiring a group of barroom hooligans to slap some sense into him.
From some pictures we found of you online, you appear to be one of the cleaner and less dangerous of the metal thugs. You are able to write in complete sentences and you don’t have rings in your face. Because of the fact that you have children, we thought you might be able to identify with the concern we feel about Todd’s future.
We would love it if you wrote a letter or even talked to Todd (by phone) telling him about how listening to Pantera has destroyed your life and turned you into a degenerate. If we tell him about the dangers of this sort of behavior, he’ll simply ignore us. If one of you people tells him about how this perverted music has ruined your soul and chances for a happy, successful life, we think he might listen. We’ll be glad to pay you for your time.
Worthington Estates Neighborhood Association
New Canaan, Connecticut
Veteran character actor Ulysses Stern, who played the controversial singer and guitarist from the heavy metal band Megadeth from 1992 until 2007, died earlier this morning in his Pomona, California home of a heart attack. Stern had been battling Alzheimer’s Disease since he retired from his role as Mustaine in 2007. He was 83.
A veteran of hundreds of plays, movies and television shows, Stern made his acting debut in 1958 in the Broadway version of Tennessee Williams’ classic “A Streetcar Named Desire”. From there he moved on to television, where he was featured on several hit shows including The Twilight Zone, Wagon Train and Petticoat Junction. He briefly replaced Eddie Albert in the role of Oliver Wendell Douglas for six episodes on the television show Green Acres in 1968 during Albert’s highly publicized bout with leprosy.
He spent most of the 1970s and 80s playing colorful roles in major motion pictures starring some of the most popular names in Hollywood. He was in four films with Burt Reynolds, including a memorable two-minute performance as a police detective in the Oscar winning film “Sharky’s Machine”. In spite of this, by the early 90’s his career was in a tailspin. He had reached the point where the only roles he could land were in Lifetime movies and Budweiser ads. That was when he caught the eye of talent agent Mickey Krantz.
Krantz was so impressed by his performance as Jimmy Nolan, a Vince Neil-ish grifter, in the Lifetime movie “Baby Monitor: The Sound of Fear”, that he offered Stern the chance to play Mustaine. Carmine Trovatelli, who currently plays Robb Flynn in the band Machine Head, had played Mustaine through a good part of the 80s and 90s, but left the role in after a nasty contract dispute. This paved the way for Stern to take over the role upon the release of “Countdown To Extinction”.
Although critics were often fond of Stern’s portrayal of Mustaine, the public had mixed feelings. Megadeth achieved its greatest period of commercial success under Stern, but many of the fans believe the songwriting was far superior when Trovatelli was playing Mustaine. “Megadeth was the thrashiest, most inventive band in the world when Trovatelli was playing Mustaine. When Ulysses Stern became Dave Mustaine, Megadeth sold out as far as I’m concerned.” wrote Lemmy von Corpsegrinder on the “RIP Guy Who Played Dave Mustaine When They Started To Suck” Facebook page that appeared seconds after Stern’s death.
Funeral services for Mustaine are planned for Wednesday. Hector Bayley (the actor who currently plays Mustaine), George Lemansky (the actor who plays Bruce Dickinson) and Arnold Weismuller (who recently took over the role of Rob Halford) all plan to be in attendance. However, Victor St. Pierre (best known for his work as the post-ReLoad Lars Ulrich) has already gone on record stating he wants no part of the funeral and will not attend along with the rest of the actors playing members of Metallica.
A Streetcar Named Desire, Crisis Actors, dave mustaine, DaveMustaine, Eddie Albert, Green Acres, heavy metal music, Iron Maiden, megadeth, Oliver Wendell Douglas, Tennessee Williams, Twilight Zone, Wagon Train
Louie Gohmert has taken on a lot of brutal adversaries in his time on Capitol Hill. His bravery in the face of so-called “terror babies” and “radical Islamists who are trained to act Hispanic” have made him a pillar of the American Right. Now, he’s turning his energies to fight against a problem that he believes is “the greatest threat to the health and safety of America’s youth”. That problem, according to Gohmert, is the mosh pit.
In a press conference on Monday, Gohmert spoke in depth about “the recent phenomena referred to as ‘pitting’ by young people”. Gohmert claimed that thousands of young people are injured or killed everyday in this “circle of ungodliness”.
He went on to discuss stories he had heard of mosh pits breaking out not just at heavy metal concerts, but also in daycare centers and hospital emergency rooms. He told the story of an unnamed 87-year-old woman who was crushed to death when a mosh pit broke at a Perkins restaurant on Seniors Pay What They Weigh Night last month in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. “What happens to the innocent when they are caught in a mosh? Who speaks for them!” Gohmert thundered to reporters.
In a Fox News interview yesterday, Gohmert took his anti-moshing rhetoric a step further. “If you know your Bible, you would know that the Book of Numbers 16:30 clearly states ‘they that go down quickly into the pit; shall understand that they have provoked the Lord.’ Men and women who enter mosh pits are sinful and are, in fact, provoking God’s wrath. Pitting violates God’s law.”
Gohmert concluded the interview by claiming that, while most people think that heavy metal fans created the mosh pit, it is actually based on Sufi dervish dancing. “People may not realize this, but wild, dangerous Sufi dancing is part of the Muslim tradition. The same tradition that has declared war on the West and its Christian values. While metal fans think they are simply pitting to noisy, violent music, they are, in fact, praising a God worshipped by people who want to destroy us.”
While Gohmert believes that passing anti-pit laws is not the solution to this national crisis, he does see a viable alternative. “If you want to stop pits from breaking out, the quickest, most effective solution is the widespread distribution of M4 assault rifles to all red-blooded, patriotic Americans. If every good, God-loving man, woman and child carried one at all times, we would be safe from these heavy metal hooligans.”
Anthrax, Bible, Book of Numbers, Capitol Hill, Caught in a Mosh, Fox News, heavy metal music, Louie Gohmert, M4 Assault Rifles, mosh pits, moshing, Muslim Brotherhood, pitting, sufi dancing, Terror Babies, United States
A few weeks back, I sent an email to A Band of Orcs, a death metal band of beasts who traveled to Earth from another realm. I was hoping to get an exclusive interview, but when I received no reply, I went about my life and forgot about it. Suddenly, on Saturday morning at 5 AM, I was awakened by a terrible howling noise followed by a frightening crash.
Gogog Bloodthroat, the singer from A Band Of Orcs, had broken down my front door and was climbing my stairs with a giant knife between his teeth. I tried desperately to run away, but Gogog grabbed me and pinned me against the wall. He was raving about a magic album they were recording that was coming out in June or July that was going to destroy all human eardrums. According to Gogog, the cover art was going to be done by a brilliant slave named Chuck Lukacs. I was able to ask him some questions before I blacked out from the beating I received.
Gogog: I was out in the stalls abusing the warhorses abusing calling them humans when you sent email. If you want to abuse something in your life or your realm, I found calling them human seals the deal. They are ready to throw some metal your way. Yes. YESSSSSS!!!!!
Tyranny: So let me ask you, I’ve never been an Orc before and I’m really curious…. What is a typical day in the life of an Orc like?
Gogog: Gogog never wake up too early. He make grunts do most work in mornings. But when Gogog wake up he smell, take deep breath, smell death, destruction and fire. That is Gogog’s breakfast. Wake up in morning, go out, abuse warhorses. Then, we go out, dominate, play heavy metal for all the pathetic humans that are out there in your realm. They are sooooooo….pathetic…..I love that word. Patheeeetic. I use that word from the Waterdog….he tell me “pathetic”. He tell me “your thought patterns are pathetic”. I love it! Everything pathetic!
Tyranny: You have an excellent vocabulary for a flesh-eating beast….
Gogog: Pathetic!!! Ahmmmmmmmmm….(incoherent growling)
Tyranny: If they had a monster SAT that could end up on it. Great word.
Gogog: It helps having a Shaman who teaches you vocabulary so you can speak to the stinky flesh piles such as yourself.
Tyranny: Well, thank you!
Gogog: It is a complement!!!! (more incoherent growling followed by horrifying laughter)
Tyranny: What possesses an Orc to start playing music? It doesn’t seem like a natural thing for you to do. Why did you start a heavy metal band?
Gogog: Well………SLAYER!!!!! REIGN IN BLOOD!!!!! We hear as Orcs, need to know, what is this magic? We hear this we feel like destroying. Jed! The one human that lives. That is all I must say.
Gogog: He teach us this magic you call metal. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. We must play constantly. Metal hurt. Metal don’t hurt, humans hurt. You scratch our back, we destroy yours.
Tyranny: Is it hard to play instruments with Orcfingers?
Gogog: Not at all. Orcs play everything with their fingers. You should hear the noise when we pick our ears. We have very thick ear hair to keep elves and berries out of our ears. Nobody hears the music that comes out of our ears when we pick them. Just Orc. It’s almost as beautiful as heavy metal! Everyday we learn more. We learn more. Hail Gzoroth!
(My 3 year-old daughter walked into the room at this point totally oblivious to the giant Orc holding me by the throat against the wall.)
My daughter: (excitedly) Daddy, my rash is better.
Tyranny: That’s great, sweetie. I’m talking to an Orc right now. Why don’t you go downstairs?
Gogog: Does the little princess want to ask a question?
Tyranny: No…No….She’s fine. (Thankfully, she left at this point and didn’t become Orcfood) Now, I keep hearing you talk about The Maelstrom. What is…(overly dramatic pause)….The Maelstrom?
Gogog: Maelstrom! Vortex of a lot of power magic. Destruction. Destroys everything around it. Bottom line…it brings the tribe.
Tyranny: I heard a story from your manager, Mr. Grimp….
Gogog: (laughing hysterically) YEEEEEEEEES! Mr. Grimp!!!! YEEEEESSSSSS! Know your place! YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!
Tyranny: How did you arrive on earth?
Gogog: That’s where humans get confused. We are not aliens. We not come from a different planet, we came from different realm. We come through Vortex, Maelstrom, that is the difference. We are not Martians! HeheahaaaaaaaaHeahahhahahahahahhahahahhaha………Martians! That is really funny. We come from a different REALM! REALM!! REALM!!!!!!
Tyranny: You came here through the Vortex???
Gogog: Kids playing Dungeons and Dragons, of course. Rolling dice. Gruesom Grimp is big jokester. He bring us through. (unintelligible shouting) He bring us through Vortex. Bring Orcs to Santa Cruz, California. Not knowing what’s going on. We destroyed everybody right there. Then, we hear magic in the tower above. We run upstairs and we hear SLAYER….REIGN IN BLOOD!!! Most amazing magic. Vortex. Maelstrom. I can’t say more.
Tyranny: That’s a beautiful story….
Gogog: People travel to Santa Cruz mountains now not only to find Bigfoot, now to find Orc. People everywhere we see! When Orc Tower appear, Bigfoot scared! We see Groongrich all the time. Humans say “See the Groongrich!” We the Groongrich!
Gogog: Groongrich!!!! GROONGRICH!!!! It’s something big in distance that oogs. You know your life is in danger, but yet you not know what it is. GROONGRICH!!!!
Tyranny: Groongridge??? Groongrich???
Gogog: (becoming hostile) GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOONGRICH!!!!!!!!! Must I spell?!?!?
Tyranny: I got it! As you may know, There is a lot of anti-Orc propaganda out there. What could you say to help convince the readers that Orcs are actually charming, lovable and benevolent creatures?
Gogog: Anti-Orc Propaganda!!!!!!!!
Tyranny: Yeah, people say they eat human flesh, they smell, they don’t clean up after themselves and are pretty anti-social.
Gogog: Yes….yes….all of the above. Humans are very good at destroying what they don’t understand. That’s why Orc still here. Humans understand Orc. We smelly, we mean, we don’t have love for anything on the planet. That’s us!
Tyranny: Let’s talk about your eating of human flesh. Now, you do eat human flesh, correct?
Gogog: NO!!!!! Gogog wear human flesh. Human taste like….meh…..it stink. Almost like Orc, but worse. We have human over. Eat brain. Leave drums for Oog. Oog make cymbals out of all kinds of human stuff. Then, we take the flesh and we wear it, we put it on. We wear it at war. I only wear the ugliest humans. The fur you see on Gogog is not animal fur, but hairy human.
Tyranny: You are kind to animals???
Gogog: NO!!!!! Not at all! We hope they take over your realm and destroy you guys. That’s why we call them all human. Like taking a Groongrich, sticking it with stink and calling it dumb and human. They take over EARTH!!! EARTH!!!! EARTH!! Hahahahahahahhahahahaaaaaa….
Tyranny: What have been some of your most successful human hunting strategies?
Gogog: To take a human down!?!?!? We play metal. You not see this on your Youtube, your Twitterface. You see human scum. We take the camera, post it on Youtube, DRUMS, CYMBALS, so on and so on.
Tyranny: You have some pretty imposing tusks. Are there Orc dentists who help you maintain proper dental hygiene? How often do Orcs need to brush and floss?
Gogog: Hairy humans! We bite into hairy humans with tusks, clean tusks, we ready to go. We show everything, we no hide. You see everything. Humans in your realm hide everything. We show you everything. Therefore, you think we lie. We no lie, we tell you the truth.
Tyranny: That was actually pretty deep.
Gogog: YES! You struggle with your words, Gogog speak truth now. Pick up jaw off ground.
Tyranny: A lot of my readers are interested to know what they can do to be spared when the Orcpocalypse comes. What’s your advice for them?
Gogog: Hail Gzoroth!!!! Buy our merch. Buy tee-shirt. Make armor out of it.
Tyranny: So, if they buy your merch or the new album that your working on, will they be spared.
Gogog: Most definitely. You buy CD, new album, tee-shirt, you spared. We see bumper sticker on car. Leave spared! We see! We travel in cage on back of tour bus. We see through holes for air. We see bumper sticker say “Band of Orcs”. They are the chosen ones, because they choose. You see! You choose, you get! Nothing for free. Well, sometimes. Gronk! Throw stuff out in crowd for free. We argue, but Gronk! always right. We think he magic. Like what you humans call Jedi Mind Trick.
At that point, the pain of being hit repeatedly in the skull with an elephant femur became too much to bear and I passed out. I awoke in a bed at Grady Hospital in downtown Atlanta a day later with multiple concussions and a missing ear. Hopefully, Gogog will be pleased with this interview and will leave me alone. Hail Gzoroth!
In a surprising study done by Johns Hopkins University, a direct connection has been found between being obsessed with the heavy metal band Slayer and consumption of certain classes of food. Slayer Obsession, known in medical parlance as Human Epiglottal Lymphogranuloma Lychosis or HELL, has been known to effect two in every three Slayer fans at least one time in their lives. In more serious cases of Slayer Obsession, a diet rich in certain classes of carbohydrates and proteins has been linked to symptoms as serious as the need to carve the band’s name into a person’s arm, the desire to write “SLAYER” on random Facebook message threads or even the overwhelming need to write the lyrics to “Dead Skin Mask” and other Slayer songs on inappropriate places such as church pews or children’s foreheads.
One food, unsurprisingly, that can cause Slayer addiction is barley, commonly found in beer. As many as 4 in 10 beer drinkers find themselves with mild to serious cases of HELL.
What is shocking are the other types of food that can lead to this disorder. The researchers found that people who consume more than 12 ounces of butter per day were found to frequently listen to the album “Seasons in the Abyss” for between 6 and 8 hours in an evening. Consumption of cucumbers or cottage cheese can lead to the desire to lock oneself in a room and listen to nothing but “South of Heaven” for entire weekends at a time.
The real stunner was that pickle juice is a major contributor to the disorder. Apparently pryotophan, an amino acid found in pickle juice will, in almost all cases, lead to immediate bouts of HELL and a nearly mindless sense of euphoria. Many fans at fans Slayer shows, who have recently been seen consuming entire containers of the water in pickle jars, have found themselves running wildly around in circles and running into one an other in a symptom that doctors refer to as “moshing”. Some Slayer fans have even taken to smoking and free basing pickles before shows in order to get the desired effect.
While doctors for years have believed that only the love of Jesus Christ or a good woman could help HELL sufferers, the Johns Hopkins research team believes that eating certain things can help cure the disorder. One such food is potting soil. According to their study, eating 9 ounces of mineral rich potting soil per day can lead a sharp decrease in the need to listen to Slayer. They also recommend eating at least 3 servings of donkey spleen per week.
For sufferers of this disorder, the future may seem bleak. They may feel powerless over their obsessions and symptoms. However, a diet rich in dirt and donkey parts can ensure that, in fact, HELL does not await.
In a story that may set the entire metal world on its ear, several sources have speculated that Pantera may reunite to play a series of shows in 2013. Pantera, whose seminal Vulgar Display of Power record turned 20 this year, have been broken up since 2003. The band was a major force in heavy metal, topping the billboard album charts in 1994 with their release Far Beyond Driven. A Pantera reunion would, no doubt, be the concert event of 2013, if not of this decade.
The rumors began during a conversation last week between my friend Matt and I. We were discussing the merits of “The Great Southern Trendkill” and I mentioned, “Wouldn’t it be great if they got back together!?!?!”
Matt replied, “Yeah! I’d travel anywhere in the country to see them, but Vinny and Phil are on really bad terms since Dime died. No chance.”
I looked at Matt and said, “But there would a lot of money on the table. A whole lot of money. My cousin Johnny ate a bag of thumbtacks once for 20 dollars. He ended up having to have surgery and now he can’t drink milk or ginger ale. He was never right afterwards. Sometimes, he acts like he’s a pirate and digs enormous holes in his backyard looking for treasure. He even makes fake treasure maps and ‘finds’ them in strange places that he hid them hours earlier. The point is, this Pantera reunion can happen if someone, like maybe the Koch Brothers or George Soros or somebody big puts about 100 million in front of them. That sort of cash moves mountains.”
Paulie Reznik, the guy we hired to fix the hole in our roof from last week’s storm, confirmed that a Pantera reunion could happen. “It could happen, man. For sure,” said Paulie, a diehard Pantera fan and owner of nearly 300 heavy metal bobblehead dolls, in a recent interview with Tyranny of Tradition.
However, my wife adamantly denied the possibility of a Pantera tour. She claimed that the rumors are baseless, that I had skipped a dosage of my medication again and that I was ‘allegedly’ pretending that things that I make up are really happening. “Honey, why don’t you go lay down for a while? You’re doing that thing where you are confusing fantasy and reality. Remember last month you thought Picasso had come back from the grave and told you to spray paint the cat orange and speak only in Aramaic? That wasn’t true either. You just need some rest.”
Pantera, for their part, have yet to comment on the rumors. Often, when a person or group refuses to confirm or deny a story it is because there is some truth to it. Where there is smoke there is fire, or so the saying goes. If Pantera continues to refuse to comment on the rumors that I am making up, you can pretty much bet your life savings that they will be back on the stage in 2013. Sometimes silence speaks volumes.
Diamond Darrell, Dimebag Darrell, Far Beyond Driven, George Soros, Great Southern Trendkill, heavy metal music, Pantera, Pantera Reunion, Pantera Reunion 2013, Phil, Phil Anselmo, Vinnie Paul, Vulgar Display of Power
Last Friday, we got a chance to catch up with Satan over at the Starbucks in Alpharetta, Georgia. The Dark Prince and I sat down over Frappuccinos and discussed his life and career. He was remarkably candid with me about the challenges that he has faced as the most powerful force of evil in the known universe. We also discussed the current state of heavy metal. Here are some highlights from our interview….
Tyranny: So, Satan, what are some of your proudest achievements?
Satan: Well, I’m particularly proud of greed. Watching people gets so worked up over the stories they tell themselves about lifeless material is really a joy to watch. I’m also very partial to vanity. It’s the best gateway drug ever invented. If you can get people to believe that there is something remarkable about themselves that they have and others don’t you can get them to do just about anything to protect it. Who needs to fill a church with demons and ghouls when you can simply fill one of the ministers with an over abundance of self-interest? You give me twenty seconds and a mirror and I can do pure magic.
Tyranny: As the devil, you face many challenges. Tell me about a few of them.
Satan: Well, human beings have a remarkable capacity for love. They are often willing to give of themselves when they are clear they will get nothing in return. You see it all the time if you know what you are looking for. You have no idea how frustrating this is for me. Sure, I’ve managed to convince some people that all acts are essentially selfish. I’ve planted the idea of human nature in people so they think they can never be any better than those who came before them. But, some people simply choose to ignore this and try to turn the world into a place of empathy and compassion. Those people make my job a nightmare.
Tyranny: What do you think about the current state of heavy metal?
Satan: Honestly, I’m just tired of people writing songs about me. Stop it already! Please! I mean, when Venom or Bathory were doing it, it was kinda cool. I was flattered. After 30 years and literally thousands of songs about my powers, I’m just tired of it. Slayer fans are the worst. I can’t even go to their concerts anymore because people just scream my name the whole time. You try enjoying the drum solo in Angel of Death with a bunch of bearded lunatics screaming your name over and over. It’s annoying.
Tyranny: Do you think this stems from a general lack of creativity in metal?
Satan: There is plenty of creativity in metal; it’s just that the audience often prefers the comfort of what they already know. Some of the best experiments out there fall on deaf ears. I try to discourage creativity because it can lead to joy and freedom in the minds of humans. It’s one of the things I’ve never been able to beat out of people. To fight it, I have had to come up with some very unique solutions. Case in point, every once in a while I plant a bad creative idea in order to discourage bands from thinking outside of the box. To show them that their ideas could lead them to being humiliated. Then, I encourage legions of angry and sad people to savage them on message boards in order to drive the point home.
Tyranny: Can you give me an example?
Satan: Sure. The Metallica/Lou Reed thing was my idea. That should set creativity further back then The McCarthy Hearings.
Tyranny: If you could leave the reader with one quick idea, what would it be?
Satan: Vote Gingrich!!!!!
Tyranny: Thanks for your time. By the way, thanks for your help promoting the Santorum article!
Satan: No problem! And thank you for your soul.
In the hopes of stemming the growing tide of voters supporting King Diamond for President, Republican frontrunner Rick Perry lashed out at The King’s campaign which he claimed is “well outside of the mainstream in American politics.” In a speech given by Perry at the home of noted abortion clinic bomber Jack Marcus, Perry went on a full scale five minute offensive against Diamond in an attempt to show that he does not represent the values of today’s Republican Party. “Where are the irresponsible proposals for tax cuts for the wealthy? Where are the preposterous accusations of President Obama’s link to The Communist Party? Where are the crazed threats of violence against Third World Countries? Do you realize King Diamond has been on the campaign trail for less than three weeks and he has yet to accuse an Islamic charity group with having ties to Al-Qaeda? I had been in the race less than a week when I threatened to beat up the Head of The Federal Reserve Board! King Diamond is clearly too moderate for the Republican Party and definitely too moderate for America,” shouted a wild-eyed Perry in front of 200 cheering, drooling Perry for President staffers.
Perry is not the only candidate who has attacked King Diamond in recent days. Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney hammered The King for “sounding like a girl when he sings”. Romney went on to accuse King Diamond of plagiarizing the entire Abigail album, which Romney claims he himself wrote in his Geometry notebook while a high school student in the 1960s. Romney even went so far as to question The King’s metal credentials. “I’m much more of a metalhead than King Diamond,” exclaimed Romney in front of the only guy who came to see his speech last night in Des Moines, “I have every Venom album on vinyl, while King Diamond only has them all on CD. I ask you…Who is more metal? Me or The So-Called King.”
Michelle Bachmann chimed in yesterday claiming “King Diamond is God’s punishment on America for the sin of collecting taxes.” Ron Paul accused The King of “actually being a secret agent of The Lizard People and The Cult of The Illuminati.” Some guy named Jon Huntsman who claimed to be a Republican Presidential candidate also said some nasty stuff about King Diamond, but no one in the press bothered to write it down or record it.
Much of this negative campaigning reflects a belief that the Republicans have a chance to win the election in November if they can just turn the American public into a frightened mass of well-armed lunatics. This strategy has worked well so far against President Barack Obama. In a recent CNN/Gallup Poll, 65 percent of Americans claimed they would “vote for a seal who knew how to balance a ball on its nose before they’d reelect Obama”. In a Rasmussen Poll taken last week, it was revealed that 82 percent of Republicans feared that if they voted for Obama a plague would immediately descend upon the land and rabid dogs would eat their children. However, in both polls however, Obama still leads Perry by around 4 percent.
King Diamond has remained silent so far about the attacks although he has mentioned to several sources inside his campaign that “he looks forward to playing beach volleyball with Michelle Bachmann’s head”. He also joked with a reporter about Rick Perry’s intense persona saying “everybody’s a tough guy when they have Secret Service protection. He wouldn’t last 5 seconds in The Pit. He couldn’t beat up my grandmother.” The King has a tough week of campaigning ahead, including a major, make-or-break policy speech in front of the influential “Satanists For Christ” National Convention in Davenport this Friday. His ability to attract evangelical voters is seen as the key to him winning the all-important Iowa caucus in January.
Abigail, barack obama, heavy metal, heavy metal music, Illuminati, King 2012, King Diamond, King Diamond For President in 2012, Lizard People, Mercyful Fate, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Republican, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, United States
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