Posts Tagged King 2012

GOP Frontrunner Perry: “King Diamond is Too Moderate For America”

Too Moderate For America???

In the hopes of stemming the growing tide of voters supporting King Diamond for President, Republican frontrunner Rick Perry lashed out at The King’s campaign which he claimed is “well outside of the mainstream in American politics.”  In a speech given by Perry at the home of noted abortion clinic bomber Jack Marcus, Perry went on a full scale five minute offensive against Diamond in an attempt to show that he does not represent the values of today’s Republican Party.  “Where are the irresponsible proposals for tax cuts for the wealthy?  Where are the preposterous accusations of President Obama’s link to The Communist Party?  Where are the crazed threats of violence against Third World Countries?  Do you realize King Diamond has been on the campaign trail for less than three weeks and he has yet to accuse an Islamic charity group with having ties to Al-Qaeda?  I had been in the race less than a week when I threatened to beat up the Head of The Federal Reserve Board!  King Diamond is clearly too moderate for the Republican Party and definitely too moderate for America,” shouted a wild-eyed Perry in front of 200 cheering, drooling Perry for President staffers.

Perry Campaigning In Cedar Rapids

Perry is not the only candidate who has attacked King Diamond in recent days.  Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney hammered The King for “sounding like a girl when he sings”.  Romney went on to accuse King Diamond of plagiarizing the entire Abigail album, which Romney claims he himself wrote in his Geometry notebook while a high school student in the 1960s.  Romney even went so far as to question The King’s metal credentials.  “I’m much more of a metalhead than King Diamond,” exclaimed Romney in front of the only guy who came to see his speech last night in Des Moines, “I have every Venom album on vinyl, while King Diamond only has them all on CD.  I ask you…Who is more metal?  Me or The So-Called King.”

Michelle Bachmann chimed in yesterday claiming “King Diamond is God’s punishment on America for the sin of collecting taxes.” Ron Paul accused The King of “actually being a secret agent of The Lizard People and The Cult of The Illuminati.”  Some guy named Jon Huntsman who claimed to be a Republican Presidential candidate also said some nasty stuff about King Diamond, but no one in the press bothered to write it down or record it.

Much of this negative campaigning reflects a belief that the Republicans have a chance to win the election in November if they can just turn the American public into a frightened mass of well-armed lunatics.  This strategy has worked well so far against President Barack Obama.  In a recent CNN/Gallup Poll, 65 percent of Americans claimed they would “vote for a seal who knew how to balance a ball on its nose before they’d reelect Obama”.  In a Rasmussen Poll taken last week, it was revealed that 82 percent of Republicans feared that if they voted for Obama a plague would immediately descend upon the land and rabid dogs would eat their children.  However, in both polls however, Obama still leads Perry by around 4 percent.

King Diamond has remained silent so far about the attacks although he has mentioned to several sources inside his campaign that “he looks forward to playing beach volleyball with Michelle Bachmann’s head”.  He also joked with a reporter about Rick Perry’s intense persona saying “everybody’s a tough guy when they have Secret Service protection.  He wouldn’t last 5 seconds in The Pit.  He couldn’t beat up my grandmother.”  The King has a tough week of campaigning ahead, including a major, make-or-break policy speech in front of the influential “Satanists For Christ” National Convention in Davenport this Friday.  His ability to attract evangelical voters is seen as the key to him winning the all-important Iowa caucus in January.

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King Diamond Rocks Million Metalhead March, Announces Presidential Run

Yesterday, over 1.8 million Metalheads marched on Washington D.C. demanding equal rights, less corruption in government and Hipster Reform.  The rally, one of the largest in the nation’s history, culminated on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial with speeches by metal luminaries the likes of Steve Harris, Joey Demaio and Thomas Gabriel Warrior.   However, the big moment took place at 4 PM when metal legend King Diamond repelled down the Washington Monument and strode onto the stage to give his keynote address.

Speculation has grown over the last few weeks about a possible King Diamond run for President in 2012.  The crowd eagerly awaited his announcement.  Metalheads traveled from as far away as New Zealand to see the speech.  Jimmy “Buzzsaw” Samhain, a King Diamond fan since his older brother loaned him Abagail when he was 8, travelled by bus from Flagstaff, Arizona to see the speech.  “He’s going to save us.  I wouldn’t have travelled 3 days through a terrible blizzard to see him if I didn’t know for sure that HE IS THE ONE!!!!”

The Crowd HAILS The King as He Begins His Speech

The crowd didn’t have to wait long to find out The King’s plans.  Early in the speech, he thrilled the crowd by making his intentions clear. “In 2012, the spirit of evil will overtake Washington and I will lead this nation back to greatness. I will be your next President!!!!!”

Many questions have arisen about the problems King Diamond’s campaign might face.  Steven Witchkiller, of the organization Black Metal Fans For Truth, openly asked the question in an editorial written for the Washington Post on Wednesday whether someone born in Denmark could be President of the United States.  Witchkiller is clearly unaware of the provision in the 17th Amendment to the Constitution that allows Danes and Swedes to run for President.  It was passed during Woodrow Wilson’s administration to thank Denmark and Sweden for their unyielding support during World War I.  Diamond would actually be the second Danish born President, following in the footsteps of Gerald Ford.  However, many legal scholars have argued that since most Americans struggle to know the difference between Amendments and Commandments, the 17th might not actually apply.

Other members of the press have wondered what The King believes about many of the major issues facing Americans.  Up until yesterday, many Americans didn’t even know what party he would run with.  In a press release issued last night after the March, The King stated he would run as a Republican, in spite of his dislike of nearly every stance that Party has taken in the past 30 years.  It is felt that his best chances lay in running Republican due to the general weakness, mindless incompetence and borderline insanity of most of the candidates currently in the field.

None of these issues seemed to matter as The King addressed 1.8 million screaming metal maniacs.  After breathing fire for two consecutive minutes at the beginning of his speech, The King launched into a passage that will be taught in classrooms 200 years from now.  In order to fully capture its spirit, we will reprint this section in its entirety.

 “See…..I have dreams, too.  Dreams of doctors putting giant spiders on their patients, dreams of grandmother’s evil gnarled hands reaching out from beyond the grave, dreams of ghastly horsemen chasing me through the night.  I dream the dreams of pure mortal terror.  I dream of a Washington over taken by headless ghouls and heartless corpses.  I dream of an America so consumed by rage and horror that people cannot even leave their homes without fear of being attacked by hounds sent by the Dark Lord himself.  I dream of a day where little metalhead boys and girls can wildly assault and maim hipster children without the fear of going to jail.  I dream of a giant rock concert with all Americans, except hipsters, swaying back and forth, listening to “”Amon” Belongs To “Them””.   We will let the bells of evil and malice ring from the hills of Georgia to the mountains of Colorado.  We will let the bells of darkness and torment ring from sea to shining sea.  And when these bells ring Americans will know it’s time to join hands and sing (falsetto) “Toooooonight The Circle Is Broken Forever!!!!!!!”

The March was not without its problems.  Three metalheads were arrested by police for giving a “corpse paint makeover” to the statue of Lincoln behind the stage.  Hipster protestors and metalheads clashed in front of the Capitol for five minutes when one of the protestors played a Band of Horses song from his radio.  In spite of these isolated incidents, the day was a rousing success and may well be the beginning of a political campaign that will reshape the nation for generations to come.

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