Posts Tagged death

Chief Keef Set To Release Chuck Schuldiner Hip Hop Tribute Record Titled “Trappin’ Da Corner”

ChiefKeef

Heavy metal artists and fans alike consider death frontman Chuck Schuldiner as the most significant force in the genre that came to be known as “Death Metal”. From the sheer brutality of “Scream Bloody Gore” to the technical wizardry of “Symbolic”, Schuldiner constantly took metal in directions it had never been before. However, what few headbangers realize is that Schuldiner is a legend of equal or even greater status in the Southern hip-hop scene.

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Rapper Juicy J, seen wearing a 1991 era Spiritual Healing tour shirt in the video for his song “That What A Pimp Does”, recently recalled how Death’s music was a major influence on his decision to begin his musical career with several of his friends.

“Paul (DJ Paul), Richard (Lord Infamous) and I were sitting around discussing the merits of Keynesian economics. Richard was really into the whole Austrian, invisible hand scene at the time and was going on and on about methodological individualism. Now, Paul and myself were strictly Frankfurt School guys and had been reading heavy amounts of Marcuse and Horkheimer at the time, so we weren’t hearing it. As you an probably imagine, things were starting to get heated.”

“Anyway, we had on Death ‘Leprosy’ in the background and the song ‘Pull The Plug’ came on. The whole conversation stopped and we were mesmerized. A week later, we started Three 6 Mafia.”

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According to Paste magazine editor Atticus Flinch, Three 6 Mafia is hardly the only rap group that was inspired by Death. “It’s hard to not hear a little bit of Schuldiner’s work on nearly every record that’s come out of the so-called “Dirty South” over the past twenty some odd years. Be it the 808 kick drums, the auto-tune vocals, the gritty, nihilistic lyrics about the everyday struggles associated with urban life or the frantically-paced, melodic guitar solos. Pick up anything from Waka Flaka Flame to Souljah Boy and you’ll see Schuldiner’s fingerprints all over it.”

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The tribute record was put together by Chicago based rapper Chief Keef, but will feature some of the top names in hip hop as guest artists including the man some have taken to calling “Evil Chuck Jr.”, producing icon Shawty Redd. Shawty, whose name in real life is Preternatural Transmogrifyer, was 10 years old when “Individual Thought Patterns” first came out.

“I remember asking my parents over and over again to take me to the store to buy that album. At the time, I was deeply interested in gardening. I used to play ‘Cosmic Sea’ off of ‘Human’ to my begonias at night to help them grow. I remember running into my bedroom when we got back from Sam Goody and hearing that crazy opening from ‘Overactive Imagination’ and knowing, at that moment, the true meaning of love.”

“Trappin’ Da Corner” is due to drop on June 12th. If you see it on the floor, please pick it up and place it back on the shelf or, better, find a customer service person to help you find the correct place to put it.

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Heavy Metal Music Guitarist James Murphy Has The Power To Heal Seals!!!

James Murphy Seal Saver

Famed metal music guitarist James Murphy has a surprising new gig!!!  After years of playing music dedicated to the worship of evil in all its forms, Murphy has become a Seal Healer.  He’s currently saving the lives of hundreds of sick seals at Tampa’s famed marine mammal park SeaWorld. Murphy, who is himself a mammal, has been responsible for over 239 spiritual healings since his return from a Tibetan ashram last fall.

Murphy, who is best known for his work in Obituary, Disincarnate, Cancer, Konkhra, Testament, Agent Steel, Aggressor, Artension, Abigail Williams, Death, DAATH, Firewind, Gorguts, Malevolent Creation, Nevermore, Solstice, Vicious Rumors, Captain and Tenille, Cancer, Mitch Ryder and The Detroit Wheels, Count Basie and His Orchestra, The Oakland Raiders, Robocop, George McGovern’s failed 1976 Presidential Campaign, the Russo-Japanese War and Broken Hope, was hired by Seaworld after he gave mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a Hump Back Whale named Shalamar during an August visit to the park.

After Murphy’s heroic moment, SeaWorld discovered that he was a man of uncommon abilities, able to rescue seals from certain death using a bizarre form of chanting and telepathy taught to him by famed monk and Las Vegas crooner Wayne Newton.

“James is a magician. He looks into their sad, wounded eyes and revives the spark of life within them. He is a Level 27 Cleric, a healer, a saver of seals,” said SeaWorld International President and CEO Toro Jublio.

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Murphy, who was recently the recipient of this year’s Man of The Year Award from The International Ex-Seal Clubbers For Christ organization, has been quite humble about his accomplishments. “Really, saving seals is quite simple. I’d like to eventually work towards greater accomplishments like teaching advanced calculus to dolphins and instructing tuna fish on how to live happy, fulfilling lives without the need to be in water.”

Murphy plans on taking his Seal Revival show on the road this summer during his tour with the Italian disco-metal band Seventh Seal. The band will conclude each set with Murphy playing an instrumental version of Beethoven’s “Ode To Joy” while bringing a seal back from the dead. During the New York show at Madison Square Garden, he plans on reviving Stumpy, a Harbor Seal that died proudly serving his country during World War II.

Pig Destroyer plans to open for them during the North American leg of the tour.

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The Time I Met Chuck Schuldiner

Chuck-Schuldiner

Back in June of 1995, I was lucky enough to have met and spoken with Chuck Schuldiner. Myself and several friends were at a Death concert at The Roxy in Long Island and through a bizarre series of events we ended up on their tour bus.

Meeting Death was, for me, the equivalent of what I imagine Christians might feel having been in the presence of Christ. Seriously. For me, Death albums were transcendental experiences that explained most of the mysteries of the universe. Chuck was a mystic to me, Gautama with a guitar, The Great One sent down the mountain to help us see the invisible boundaries that we have created to lock away the most creative, life-affirming aspects of our being.

I’m sure I made a total fool of myself. I was your average 13-year-old girl getting backstage to meet Justin Beiber. I was stumbling around for words. Saying anything that came to mind to try to prolong the time we were in the man’s presence.

It was actually an uncomfortable feeling in retrospect. I didn’t want to mess up my one shot at actually asking the man the questions that had plagued me for the entirety of my being. This man had answers. No one could create like he did and not hold the key within him.

Finally, I worked up to asking him the meaning of the song “Vacant Planets” off of the album “Human”. I had somehow worked up a theory in my mind that this song was a comment on the nature of reality and life itself. I had pondered this song for hours and hours. Understanding its meaning consumed me.

There was something to the urgency of this song. It demanded to be understood. There was something deeper to it. Beyond meaning. Beyond rational thought. If he could just explain it to me, I’d have found the missing piece that explained this demented jigsaw puzzle I was living in.

I ambushed him out of nowhere with a rambling, semi-incoherent question about the song. “Chuck…I need to know about the song Vacant Planets. I mean, that song…that song. There is something within that song, you know. The planets around us are so empty. But, ‘in a realm so vast, we sit among the Vacant Planets’. They are vacant and without life. So is our planet, you know.”

“There is nothing to us. We are empty vessels. We eat, we sleep, we decay, we die. Over and over. And it all amounts to nothing. We want endless life, but for no reason. We don’t want to discover the universe around us, we simply want to not die. There is so much possibility wasted.  This place is a void.  No different than the emptiness on Mars or Mercury. We are a Vacant Planet! There is no meaning to any of it.”

During this whole disjointed explanation he regarded me with a great deal of kindness. He had a very empathetic expression. He was listening. He understood.

“Chuck, I need to know, am I right? Is this it? Is this what Vacant Planets means?”

He looked composed his thoughts for a second and looked away. I felt embarrassed. Had I said too much? Had I wasted my moment?

Then, he looked back at me. Stared directly into my eyes with a half smile on his face.

“Man…the song is about outer space.”

If there ever was a testimony to his genius, it was that answer.

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Sweating To Death With Richard Simmons

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Greetings fellow metal heads! This is Richard Simmons, and I’ll tell you what, a lot of guys across this hibernation nation are writing me to find out where they can buy XXXXL leather pants and bullet belts before the summer concert season hits like a ton of bricks.

You don’t need a new wardrobe, you just need to get metal thrashin’ mad at that out of shape bod, and get your old anorexic, bean pole shape back.  “How the #$%^# am I going to do that?” you ask?  Well, I’m sure you’ve seen the advertisements for my famous “Sweating To The Oldies” workout programs that have helped a lot of people get back into the best shape of their lives, right?  Well, I’m happy to say that with the help of Full Metal Racket Productions, I’ve got just the thing to get you back to your twiggy old self again. Sweating To Death!
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I hear you growl, “Sweating to Death? You mean “Death”, as in THE best death metal band in history?” That’s right. DEATH! Sweating To Death is going to revolutionize your self image and get you back into the shape of a fence post. Many people don’t realize that I just love death metal to death. When I was a rebellious teen, my Uncle Garth bought me death metal cassettes from all over the world and I was hooked like a heavy metal Mr. Limpet. I discovered that heavy metal was the key to getting into shape and getting the respect I deserved in the mosh pit.

Sweating To Death has been such a success that Bulimic Corpse Magazine calls it, “A masterpiece of metal and fat melting moves. Six horns up!” This program was even instrumental in getting Rammstein back into shape after their bratwurst and beer binge tour. Till Lindmann was in tears when he went from being a heavy metal monster, to slim, trim, pyrotechnic mad man once again. Never fear your mom putting your favorite concert tees in the dryer ever again!Rammstein

So, move over “Screamin’ For Benchpress”, and get lost “Too Fast For Lovehandles”, because Sweating To Death is going to succeed where other programs fail. The secret is in the space age combination of hyper, double-bass blast beats with a mixture of hand picked, fat burning exercises such as:

  • Kettle Mills – Every metal head knows that windmilling for 3 hours solid can build a neck like a centaur on steroids. I’ve added resistance to this classic move for insane, neck ripping power. The trick is to duct tape a 15lb. kettle bell to the end of your hair and windmill like there’s no tomorrow. Just be sure to watch out for those ceiling fans or mom’s going to slip a gear!

 

  • Crabcore Jacks – The superb health benefits of crabcoring can not be understated, but I’ve added some devilry to these crustacean fat melters that will get your thighs begging for a merciful fate. The trick is when you get your thighs parallel to the ground, have a modest weight friend leapfrog onto your shoulders and then perform an explosive jump. I recommend spandex pants for these seam rippers!

 

  •  Amp Head Presses – Upper body strength is your friend, in the mosh pit and out, so I’ve incorporated an alternative to boring barbell presses, Amp Head Presses. This exercise is a bit tricky, but with proper form, your arms will look like they belong in a Manowar photo shoot. Keep a straight back and hold the amp head overhead for the length of two Tool songs. That’s it. Remember to keep a straight back and don’t lock your knees, and your guns will be ready for the next battle of the bands in no time!

Kerry

What are you waiting for? Pick up that phone and scream bloody gore! The first 666 callers will receive a free bonus disc containing my new abdominal workout, “8 Minute Grind Core”. That’s 75 songs to inspire you to get that abominable abdominal look the ladies go crazy over!  Call now, supplies are limited!

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FDA Approves Use Of Arsenic To Treat “Heavy Metal Dependence”

handsYou’ve probably seen them before.  Unshaven, lacking in basic dental hygiene, often having so-called “long hair”, clad in tee-shirts with pictures of murder, cannibalism and other anti-social acts condoned by some the leaders of our secular government.  This horde of axe-wielding maniacs and welfare recipients often refer to themselves as heavy metalheads and listen to bands with names like Gorguts, Bestial Walrus and Pungent Stench.  Some heavy metalheads listen to as many as seventeen hours worth of this music per day while participating in acts self-mutilation and animal sacrifice.  But now, there is hope.

In an attempt to cure these poor, wretched people of their dependence on this vile assault on good taste and middle class sensibility, the FDA today approved the use of arsenic in an attempt to treat what doctors have referred to as “heavy metal dependence”.  The term, first coined by Tipper Gore’s personal physician Dr. Sigmund Rascher, has been diagnosed in 3 percent of America’s youth and, if left untreated, can be fatal.

In clinic trials, arsenic, when administered in large doses and coupled with strychnine, a natural herb recently approved by the FDA to fight inefficiency in the workplace, has been nearly 100 percent effective in curing heavy metalheads of their disorder.  Mikey Melanoma, bass player from the band Malignant Cataplexy, recently emerged from his coma to talk about the powerful impact this new wonder drug has had on his life.  “I used to listen to Obituary, Death, Morbid Angel, Slayer…whatever I could get my hands on.  Now, all I really want to hear is soft piano music or the calm, soothing voice of my nurse bringing me apple juice.  I’m cured.”

Some concerns have been raised by doctors about the use of arsenic in treating heavy metal dependency.  Patients have reported blotching and severe skin rashes right before they slip into eternal slumber.  However, applying doctor prescribed topical ointments usually clears this up within 24 hours.  In spite of the side effects, the FDA stressed that arsenic is all natural, thus completely safe.

More help may be on the way next year.  The FDA is looking into special carbon dioxide masks that can help those averse to swallowing pills.  Special behavioral enhancement chambers are even being designed to cure hundreds of heavy metalheads at a time though the use of the carbon monoxide treatment.  Also, special behavioral modification chairs are being designed to zap thousands of volts into the brains of the afflicted in order to help them become less of a drain on the millions of taxpayers who support these disease-bearing mongrels.

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Metalhead Immolates Self In Protest Of Rolling Stone List Of Top 100 Metal Bands

The war over Rolling Stone’s list of the Top 100 metal albums of all time just got more heated.  On Thursday morning, metalhead activist Steve Dalkowski lit himself on fire in his living room in Asbury Park, New Jersey in an attempt to show his anger at the recent Top 100 list.  The fire consumed two-thirds of his house and his entire collection of Pig Destroyer live DVDs.  According to a note left by Dalkowski, he could “no longer live in a world where Borknagar’s 2012 release Urd is not given its proper respect by metal fans and the media as a whole.”

Dalkowski’s note, which railed against several notable omissions from the list, was scrawled on the back of a gatefold vinyl copy of “Anthems to The Welkin At Dusk”.  It included a scathing critique of the list, which he noted “failed to include anything by Darkthrone, Mayhem or any of the early Gorgoroth records.”  Further, he added that “the doom genre got totally and completely ignored.  What sort of Top 100 list would leave out anything by St. Vitus?”  He finished the note by excoriating the writers at Rolling Stone for “not even knowing which Death album James Murphy was on.”

Rolling Stone’s list has been criticized by many metalheads for including bands that are not traditionally considered heavy metal.  Number 23 on the list, for example, was Bob Dylan’s “Blonde on Blonde”.  The Shins “Oh, Inverted World” and Kanye West’s “Late Registration” were also considered worthy of being in the Top 100 causing great consternation among those who follow metal.  Still, Dalkowski’s reaction is considered extreme.

Dalkowski’s self-immolation is the latest in a string of metal related self-disfigurements.  Two months ago, Nevada metalhead Jim Loudermilk doused himself in sulfuric acid to protest Cryptopsy’s failure to use fretless bass on their recent self-titled album.  Last week, metal fan James Riley drowned himself in a giant vat of mustard in order to voice his displeasure that Bolt Thrower is not being allowed to play two sets at this year’s Maryland Death Fest.

Dalkowski is currently in critical condition at Mount Sinai hospital with burns over 90 percent of his body.  Doctors expect a full recovery but believe he might never again be able to grow hair on his tongue.

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Carcass Members Ask Obama To Stop Using “Regurgitation of Giblets” As Campaign Theme Song

On the eve of this years’ Democratic National Convention, President Barack Obama is facing tough criticism from death metal legends Carcass.  Obama, who regularly uses the splatter-grind classic “Regurgitation of Giblets” as intro music before his speeches, was asked to “cease and desist” from using the song until his policies match “the spirit in which the song was intended.”

According to Carcass singer Jeff Walker, “Regurgitation” was meant “to address the deeper themes of dehumanization in the work place, consumer alienation and the effects of modernity on the human form.”  Guitarist Bill Steer reiterated Walker’s statement and added, “The song certainly wasn’t meant to help elect the President of the United States, a nation that is, after all, the largest dehumanizing, alienating force in the history of organized society.”

Obama, a die-hard Carcass fan, had been using the song to contrast the campaign’s message of stability and progress with the Republican themes of blind panic and race-baiting.  He has even managed to use lines from it in a campaign speech in Dubuque, Iowa last month.  “Romney’s America is one where the average American will be spewing up his or her collective sanguined guts into a wooden box.  I ask you, do you want to be trapped in that type of sarcophagus?  Is that the sarcophagus we want for our children?”

In deference to Carcass, the Obama campaign will no longer be using the song.  They have decided to switch to either Clinton era favorite “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac or “Epitaph of the Credulous” by Suffocation.  However, the campaign plans to keep distributing the 30,000 Carcass themed “Festerday In America” pro-Obama tee-shirts  that they have been handing to supporters at campaign rallies.

This is not the first time that an American political campaign has run into trouble over the use of a song.  Back in 1984, Bruce Springsteen strongly objected to Ronald Reagan’s use of “Born in the USA” as a campaign anthem.  In 1840, the band Cattle Decapitation went to court to stop William Henry Harrison from using the song “I Eat Your Skin” in several television commercials.

Occasionally, however, metal bands lend their support to help a campaign.  In 2000, metal godfathers Death re-recorded their first album under the new title of “Scream Albert Gore”, in order to support the Democratic Presidential candidate.  While Gore did not become President, the album was credited with helping him win the hotly contested State of Florida in his campaign against George W Bush.

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