Posts Tagged Black metal

Abbath Comes Out

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OSLO, Norway—The legendary ex-frontman of Immortal and eponymous front axeman of Abbath shocked metal fans worldwide Thursday evening when he announced on Twitter that he was “tired of hiding.”

After 13 days of bonding with nature in observance of Mighty Blashyrkh, Abbath finally came out of Østmarka, a forested area located to the east of Oslo. The portly black metal musician exited the misty woods at around 8 p.m., reported Metal Hammer Norway.

“I was doing a lot of woodchopping,” Abbath told reporters who were lying in wait for him. “And a lot of hunting and cooking. Just trying to forget about civilization for a moment, you know? Trying to come to terms with my true self.”

He continued: “But upon reflection, I realized that hiding in the woods is not going to help me solve global warming. I need to be out there again to make a difference. I must ride the diabolical wings of society to summon Eternal Winter to this wretched planet.”

The former closet environmental activist reportedly cycled to Østmarka a fortnight ago from his igloo at the Norway–Russia border.

Hours after his return to civilization, the United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) congratulated Abbath for “his brave decision to live openly and authentically,” and appointed him UNEP Goodwill Ambassador.

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Sigh to Remake “Scenes from Hell” in White Metal Style

Sigh_Scenes from Hell_whitewashed

Cover Art For “Scenes From Hell” Remake

 

Sigh will remake their classic album “Scenes from Hell”, Hollywood Records announced today. The remake will feature re-recordings of every track in the white metal style, and will be mixed and mastered by a white producer with a degree in white noise engineering from White University.

Fans will be able to buy the album in five formats — white MP3, white CD, white vinyl, white cassette, and white collector’s edition box set. The white collector’s edition box set will include a white Sigh patch, a white notebook containing drafts of lyrics from the original recording process written in white ink, and rare photos of the Japanese band’s “Scenes from Hell” line-up at their palest.

Five white, still-unnamed white metal musicians have signed on to play the roles of Mirai Kawashima, Dr. Mikannibal, Shinichi Ishikawa, Satoshi Fujinami, and Junichi Harashima. Stryper’s Michael Sweet is rumoured to play Kawashima, the enigmatic and charismatic harsh vocalist and multi-instrumentalist of Sigh.

Originally released on January 19, 2010 through white label The End Records, “Scenes from Hell” is Sigh’s eighth full-length studio album. Its instrumental line-up includes a real string quartet, and real orchestral instruments, such as the flute, the clarinet, the French horn, the trumpet, the trombone, the tuba, etc. White string quartet Eklipse, and white orchestra New York Philharmonic will fill those white instrumental roles in the remake.

Anticipating that fans might find the contrast between the remake’s white personnel and the mandatory black background in upcoming press photos to be too glaring, Kawashima said: “Don’t worry about squinting at the photos. Hollywood Records has shelled out big bucks for visual effects tests that will ‘yellowify’ the five remake musicians to make them easier on the eyes.”

“This will be done without making them look like ghosts or shells of their former selves,” he added.

A white metal journalist has also been reportedly hired to pen new liner notes for the remake.

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Black Metal Lives Matter To Presidential Hopeful Ben Carson

In these turbulent times in America, many voices are clamoring for attention in the name of a cause. From the Emo Lives Don’t Matter movement to the Tofu Personhood Riots, it seems that passionate activism is on the rise throughout this nation, and one presidential hopeful is bringing attention to the very disturbing rise in black metal on black metal violence.
Ben Carson may appear to be a shy and reserved politician at first glance, but dig below that stuffy exterior, and there is a blast beating heart in tune with the plight of the metal community that has been reeling from attacks from within and without.

Dr. Carson, who is a neurosurgeon by trade, tells of a youth that was transformed by his mother’s encouragement and access to her collection of bootleg metal cassettes. By the age of three, the child’s mother had dubbed him Ben “Cannibal” Carson after her favorite death metal band, Cannibal Corpse. Mrs. Carson has confirmed that Ben’s medical background was strongly influenced by “Butchered At Birth” and “Tomb Of The Mutilated”.   Ben was able to test out of anatomy class due to hours spent studying the album covers along with repeated bedtime telling of George Fischer’s popup book, One Corpse, Two Corpse, Red Corpse, Blue Corpse.

When he was in his early 20s, a friend of Carson’s from his “Survivors of Ayn Rand Novels” support group turned him on to Emperor.  Within weeks, Dr. Carson became a full-fledged black metal fan.  The music gave him a sense of mission.  Carson began working to raise money for black metal orphans throughout Scandinavia and Belarus.  Even his political detractors point to his work in the “Save The Black Metal Sea Lion” movement as an example of his love for all life.

When “Cannibal” Carson hit the campaign trail this summer to seek the Republican presidential nomination, he announced that he just couldn’t ignore a cause which is very close and dear to him, so he launched the Black Metal Lives Matter project to draw attention to those who suffer in the name of metal. Using the hashtag #AllBlackMetalLivesMatter, Carson has been raising awareness of the undercurrent of violence that permeates the extreme metal scene world wide.
In a recent YouTube video, Dr. Carson donned corpse paint and a stage costume he bought at one of Abbath’s yard sale fundraisers and pleaded with the black metal community to forego their violence against one another and turn that rage towards those more deserving, such as rapcore fans or Jehovah’s Witnesses.

“Who better to chase down the road with a battle axe than a couple literature junkies that wake you up at noon on a Saturday? Why pummel a fellow member of the left hand path, when you can jack up some Limp Bizkit fan? Isn’t it time we stop asking ourselves “What Would Varg Vikernes Do”?”

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Deathspell Omega Sues Ministry of Magic

Deathspell Omega conducting a witchhunt last year. (Photo: Bozo)

Deathspell Omega conducting a witchhunt last year (Photo: Bozo)

POITIERS, France — Bible metal group Deathspell Omega filed a lawsuit against the Ministry of Magic (MOM) for trademark infringement Sunday afternoon.

In a strongly worded sermon delivered at the Post-Christ Church of Blackened Genesis today morning, Deathspell Omega alleged that the MOM, for an improved version of the infamous Killing Curse, has stolen their name.

“It’s ludicrous, the Ministry of Magic has no right to call their new Killing Curse ‘Deathspell Omega’,” the French group said.

“The likelihood for confusion among Muggles and Wizards is high. Just yesterday, two teenage witches walked in during our service, thinking that it was a mass exercise on how to use the improved Killing Curse!”

Under the Madrid Protocol of 1989, to which France and the UK acceded, trademarks registered in any member country automatically gains protection in other member countries, too.

But this only applied to Muggle societies.

After the tragic Second Wizarding War, which claimed multiple Muggle and Wizard lives from 1997 to 1998, diplomatic relations between Muggle and Wizarding societies have vastly opened up. And the Madrid Protocol was revised to also apply to Wizarding societies of member countries.

When contacted, a MOM spokesman said that the Ministry is aware of the lawsuit, and has hired Muggle lawyers to represent them in court.

“It is the first time we have encountered such a peculiarly Muggle problem, so it’s only natural that we have hired the relevant Muggle professionals to assist us,” said the spokesman who wished to remain anonymous.

He added that “Deathspell Omega” was suggested as the name for the improved Killing Curse — a life-extinguishing flash of light coloured blue instead of green to induce calmness before death — by a MOM marketing communications intern to give the curse a “classy” feel. The name also phonetically dissociates the curse from its previous green variant, known as “Avada Kedavra”, that was widely abused by Dark Wizards such as Voldemort during the ’90s.

Responding to queries about the morality of improving the Killing Curse, the MOM spokesman said “Deathspell Omega” is a humane tool meant to be used on death row inmates at Azkaban Prison who opt out of the Dementor’s Kiss scheme.

Deathspell Omega’s lawsuit, which is the first of its kind, has drawn attention from Muggle lawyers.

DLA Piper lawyer Parry Hotter, 30, said that the lawsuit would likely set a dangerous precedent for current tort law governing both Muggle and Wizarding societies.

“Note that ‘Deathspell Omega’ is not actually a registered trademark, but a well known mark,” said Hotter. “So under the Paris Convention for the Protection of Intellectual Property 1883, bible metal group Deathspell Omega can only appeal to the tort of passing off to argue their case. But even then, it’s debatable whether or not an underground group like them is ‘well known’ to Muggles, let alone Wizardkind.”

Hotter added, “If Deathspell Omega wins, numerous bands that sound like spells would try to sue Wizards who name spells after them by accident. And if the MOM wins, bands like Deathspell Omega whom coincidentally have dangerous spells named after them would probably get boycotted by moronic Wizards and Muggles in a hurry, or be conveniently banned by right-wing Muggle government officials.”

Echoing Hotter’s sentiment, Deathspell Omega expressed censorship worries at the end of their sermon.

“What if the Muggle governments, French or not, restrict or halt circulation of our compositions, thinking that they are audiobooks that teach people how to use the improved Killing Curse?”

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After 23 Years, Dick Cheney Returns To Abruptum

Dick Cheney

Happy to collaborate with Evil again

The 46th Vice President of the United States has announced his plans to join Evil once more in a quest to achieve the most vicious sounds known to man after 25 years of non-musical black metal performances across the globe. It’s expected that founding member It, currently Stephen King’s pet, will join the band again

“The human essence of pure black evil”. —Euronymous commenting on Cheney—

Abruptum was formed in 1989 by It—known as ‘Eat’ back then—and Dick during Cheney’s stint as the 17th US Secretary of Defense in the White House after a Naked Ronald Reagans rehearsal session (George H. Bush’s former Rapcore Funk band). The group quickly gained notoriety for the macabre sounds and screams achieved by the politician using only a couple of pens and Guantanamo Bay prisoners. The duet quickly relocated to an undisclosed, forgotten World War II bunker in Sweden in order to avoid trials under the Geneva Convention for committing crimes against humanity at a local Denny’s.

Svrf Rock pioneer Euronymous of the Mayhems listened to their recordings and didn’t hesitate to sign the band to his label, Deadlike Bandmate Productions. After some sessions, Euronymous had to change the name of his label because of the mysterious passing of Dead, frontman of the Mayhems.

The only person in a hundred mile radius with a shotgun was Cheney himself, who is known to enjoy shooting his friends in the face. Sadly, for the crime scene investigators and for Abruptum, the Secretary of Defense had to return home to plan his performance piece ‘Operation Desert Storm’ which depicted a devastated Middle East, ravaged by oil-craving demons with full metal minions.

“I’ve always been a extreme person and I’m very committed to my disregard for human lives. I felt I could spread my message of suffering and destruction to a broader audience by being part of the staff of the Naked Ronald Reagans, who happened to tour constantly in the Arab countries. Imagine the energy generated from the clash of the two major fundamentalist cultures, and add to the mix a setting designed by myself, a chaos worshiper.”

“The Scandinavian scene wasn’t violent enough for me. Accountant Grishnackh was burning a couple of churches here and there in order to promote his capitalist ideas and look tough in front of some punk kids who used to hang out at Euronymous’s store. I was destroying mosques all over the place, garnering the attention of the international press, and the best of all is my cultural exchange was a grant taken care of by the American taxpayers” explained Mr. Cheney during an interview with Tyranny.

But not everything was fun and games. In 1992, while vacationing in the violent streets of Detroit, Michigan,

Cheney treating his disease with beer.

Dementia didn’t stop the man’s ambitions

Cheney contracted the avian mad chicken disease (Dick was an avid geek—a person who beheads live chicken with his mouth—usually at carnivals). The fever fried his brain and dementia ensued; in 1993, and using the corpsepaint skills he learned while in the Nordic scene, he formed a duet of devilish, republican clowns with Donald Rumsfeld, whose career as an international jackass was on hiatus.

The nightmarish Insane Clown Posse debuted with Carnival of Carnage in October of 1992, becoming an instant sensation in the former Soviet Union, specially because of the racist and sexist themes of the album. The sickness grew worse in Cheney’s head due to the refusal of conventional treatments, instead, the Black Metal rapper decided to cure himself by binge-drinking.

That’s when Cheney caught the eye of the film industry, he was commissioned by George Lucas himself to write several scripts for the company, including  Episodes I, II and III of the Star Wars Franchise and the fourth installment of Indiana Jones. Critics still debate, to this day, if he sold out and made crappy stuff during this period, or if his performance was so bright and nihilistic that the sucking was by design. In any case, the disease-ridden artist finally looked for professional treatment after watching a preview of Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Cheney's corpsepaint debauchery.

“Jugaloo” means “Bringer of Torment” in ancient Norsk

After his rehabilitation, Dick Cheney returned to the Middle East with a new setup called War! Fun! Terror!, but due to a printing error in the French Le Monde newspaper, it was popularly known as The War on Terror. It has been the longest-lasting exhibit the former Vice President has accomplished in his career, and it even spawned a multitude of spin-off installments such as I Sever Infidel Suckers (ISIS) and the 9 – 11 Conspiracy series.

“I have conquered and broken many people in my day, from Muslims to Star Wars fans, but now I will conquer the Scandinavian scene with Evil by my side, and we’ll make Oslo, Norway look like Flint, Michigan.”  —Dick Cheney expanding on the goals of Abruptum’s reunion—

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Coming Out Poser: Eight Terrible Admissions From The Depths of The Metal Closet

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Rarely do I ever tell the truth on this website. As a matter of fact, the purpose of the site is to declare war on the asinine construction that we have termed reality. However, I feel an unnatural obligation to level with you this morning. I write all sorts of terrible things about strangers, why shouldn’t I write an article that entirely discredits myself as a metalhead and in the process alienates a good 2/3rds of the audience?

I’m going to admit to a few things in this article that may make you uncomfortable. They are all horribly true. I make no apologies for myself. I know what I like and what I don’t like. Unfortunately, many things I like are terribly embarrassing. The awful truth is…I’m a poser.

7. My favorite Judas Priest song is from the Ripper Owens era

Not many people have given the Ripper Owens years their just due. Two excellent studio albums from a vocalist who only years earlier was covering “Turbo Lover” in front of 12 Clevelanders on open mic Mondays. On the first of those albums, he recorded the song “Cathedral Spires” which is one of the most incredible pieces of music I’ve ever heard. He’s not Rob Halford, but besides Rob Halford, who is?

I know the correct answer is to say something from the Halford era like “Hell Patrol” or “Dissident Aggressor” in order to prove the depth of my Judas Priest knowledge. Or I could claim it is “Metal Gods” or “Electric Eye” and rail on about how one of these songs found me at a low point in my life and changed me at a spiritual level. But, truthfully, while I love all of the aforementioned songs, I’ll take Spires any day of the week.

6. I’ve listened to more Tangerine Dream in the past year than Iron Maiden and Slayer combined

I know as a metalhead I’m supposed to get on bended knee every morning and thank Odin that the gods deemed us worthy of hearing Bruce Dickinson howl the chorus to “Aces High”. Every moment of my waking life should be devoted to air drumming the fills from “Seasons in The Abyss”. I’ve listened to these records a million times. People would get sick of ice cream if they ate it everyday for twenty years. These, and many other albums critical to “the metal experience”, bore me to tears at this point. I’m much more interested in exploring music I’m less familiar with than sacrificing more of my time on The Altar of True Metal.

5. I have no idea what is happening in most black metal songs (“The Emperor Has No Corpsepaint” hypothesis)

There are about eight black metal songs I like. As much as I respect the fact that musicians who play this style of music are capable of producing noises that resemble a walrus with indigestion, I can’t say I really know what on earth they are doing. As a matter of fact, I have a theory that no one actually likes black metal all that much. We pretend to because we don’t want to be the one person who admits they don’t see the appeal in a bunch of grown men dressing up like the Wyrd Sisters from Macbeth, shrieking about their love Yog-Sothoth.

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4. I really don’t care when legendary heavy metal figures die

I feel bad for everyone who personally knew and loved Dio, Hanneman and Dime. They lost real flesh and blood humans in their lives. However, the outpouring of RIPing that comes out of people based on the passing of people that they don’t know is staggering. I have no doubt that these people and many others had a huge impact on the genre and probably wrote a song or two that made a bad day better, but come on. People die constantly. Everywhere. It’s the one thing human beings are consistently good at. Turning a genuine tragedy for the friends and family of a person you don’t know into your own because the musician wrote a few riffs you liked is grotesque and bizarre. Life is miserable enough without parachuting into someone else’s misfortune.

3. Don’t Call Me Your Brother, Cause I Ain’t Your @#%^ing Brother

This whole “Brotherhood of Metal” thing is hysterical. I meet people all the time I can’t stand. Including metalheads. Generally, I have a low threshold of tolerance for morons, whether they have the first Overkill album or not. The minute you start mentally tormenting some sock-brained metalhead online for spouting off nonsense that would embarrass a self-aware 7 year old or telling some guy with a Deicide tee-shirt that his children will probably have hooves, one schmuck invariably chimes in with the “why can’t metalheads get along” nonsense. Here’s why…because the number of mouth breathing idiots in the metal community is equal to the amount of inarticulate dolts in the world at large. This isn’t kindergarten. I don’t have to be nice to someone because we both happen to like Sepultura.

2a. I dread going to metal concerts

I really don’t like to leave my house much anyway, but the idea of being crammed into a really loud, dimly lit room smelling the armpits of beer soaked strangers is a fate worse than death for me. Usually, the music is way too loud and I get aggravated waiting through opening bands which are often as entertaining as cholera. I was so bored watching Zakk Wylde at OzzFest I actually fell asleep. Which was significantly more enjoyable than having the guy next to me either A. ask me whether I think Phil Anselmo is back on the heroin or B. Tell me about the time he saw so and so open for so and so in some backwater, lice infested bar way before anyone had ever heard of them.

2b. The whole moshing thing embarrassing

Concerts are expensive and, as noted above, banal, disgusting experiences. The single worst part about them is having to spend the time I’d like to take watching a band I came out to see and dedicating it to not having my feet stepped on by some neo-Cro-Magnon lummox who, instead of hashing out his troubles in group therapy, has decided that running headlong into a group of equally troubled delinquents is a way to release the demons.

People talk about mosh pits like they are mystical experiences (“I’ll never forget the night back in 1987 when we made The Wall of Death at a Nuclear Assault concert”). Really, it’s just a bunch of people running around and bumping into each other with mean looks on their faces. It’s not all that different from Black Friday at Target.

1.  I Don’t Mind The Last Morbid Angel Album

I debated putting this in here, because to be honest, admitting this is the equivalent of telling a beautiful woman you are interested in that in your free time you like to make masks out of human skin and paint using other people’s blood. This album was so universally panned by critics and fans alike that you would have thought it featured Kevin Costner with gills. I’ve made fun of it on several occasions. If Mother Theresa was still alive, she’d have made fun of it.

I remember reading this interview with David Vincent after the album came out where he said some preposterous thing like “you don’t know it yet, but this will end up being your favorite Morbid Angel album.” I couldn’t even believe he could get that out with a straight face. Yet, honestly, every time that silly “crossing the line since 1989” song comes on my iPod, I end up listening to the whole thing. I don’t even mind the “Destructos” song. Or the one where he starts babbling in Spanish. I’ve listened to those songs much more frequently than I’ve busted out anything else by them…so maybe he had a point.

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Moshing Towards Bethlehem Or How Eugenics Can Save Heavy Metal

The Falcon Can't Hear The Falconer

The Falcon Can’t Hear The Falconer

(My brother-in-law BlaK Dan (or Zarathustra as he now likes to be called) has emerged from his cave in the mountains of North Georgia to eat a free meal at our house, scare my children with stories about Varg Vikernes and share his vision of how to save heavy metal from the forces of non-metalness.  My wife asks me, as a favor, to let him write for the site occasionally in order to feel “useful”)

Let’s face it folks, the heavy metal world is in crisis.  An invasion of hipsters, mall goths, meth-heads, beardos and garden variety morons have turned what was once a great scene into an embarrassment.  Things have gotten so bad, the other day I told a guy at a party that I listen to nothing but folk music and trip hop.  When you can’t turn on your television without seeing Ozzy Osborne’s wife hocking skin care products, when you hear the members of Savatage rocking out Christmas songs over the PA system at your local Wal-Mart, when 7/8s of the youth of America are unable to name a Metallica song besides “Enter Sandman”, when Iron Maiden spends the majority of their time writing 25 minute adult contemporary songs and selling craft beer…we are in deep trouble!

The center has not held.  Real heavy metal is dying a slow, painful death and it seems like there is nothing we can do to stop it.  Metal was once pure.  People wore their hair long, played loud and wore denim jackets with Venom patches on them.  But, those days are over.  At a metal show today, you are likely to see a nightmare panorama of Buddy Holly glasses, pink hair, iPhones, ear gauges, and Chelsea Grin shirts.

Some of this breakdown in heavy metal morality can be linked to environmental causes like radiation from the Fukushima meltdown and the widespread use of tetanus vaccinations.  However, the root cause of the deracination of true metal can be traced back to a much deeper, more profound issue.  That issue is genre mixing.

It started innocently enough.  A little bit of synth on an Iron Maiden album, Anthrax experimenting with hip hop, female vocalists fronting death metal bands, Slayer doing a punk album, Pantera… and all of a sudden we are in a vast wasteland of Deafhaven and pirate metal.  As we mosh our way into oblivion, it becomes more and more clear that desperate times call for desperate measures.  It seems unfashionable to talk about eugenics today in our politically correct world, but, the truth is, it is the only way to save metal from the dark, sinister forces of poseurness.

metal-kittens

Subhumans

It is obvious to anyone who spends five minutes at a concert or on a metal message board that there is a hierarchy of metal fans.  At the bottom of the ladder are the Hot Topicafied kids who tried to furtively ditch their Justin Beiber loving image by showing up to school one day in an Asking Alexandria shirt.  They are the heavy metal Untouchables.  If they are wearing a “Ride The Lightning” shirt, chances are they think that is the name of the band.  At any moment, they could rediscover the Miley Cyrus album they considered throwing out a week ago and leave the scene altogether.  But, they probably won’t.

They are slightly lower on the metal food chain then the hipster metalhead.  If you’ve ever seen a dude quoting David Foster Wallace while wearing a Liturgy shirt, you probably know whom I’m talking about.  Bookish, frail and generally annoying, these creatures secretly long to find someone else in the scene that owns every Paul Westerberg solo album.

Slightly above them are the dim-witted, slumped shouldered, neckless, meth-addled Pantera/groove metal fans.  They randomly shout Slayer at inappropriate times and ramble on about how they wish they could beat up more of the people lower on the metal totem pole.  They are noisy, poorly groomed, have enormous craniums and take Cannibal Corpse extremely seriously.  Each of them secretly hope you think they are mass murderers, in spite of the fact that they have never done much worse than feed a hedgehog to their pet python.  All of these groups fall into the subhuman metal category.

Those Worthy of Being Spared

Above them, there are better types.  You have your old school Florida death metal types (Children of Chuck), your loony bird power metal fanatics (Middle Earthers), the veteran thrasheads who saw Exodus on the “Bonded By Blood” tour (Oldbangers), the Eurofabulous obscuritarian types who wander the earth fantasizing about being perceived as the next Wagner (known as Thomas G Warriors, this group was nearly wiped out by the release of Cold Lake) and many other breeds of slightly evolved metalheads.  They are certainly not perfect, especially when they want to tell you for the six hundredth time how great Overkill was before Rat Skates left, but they are mostly harmless if kept separate from the upper classes.

The Brahmans

There are two groups of true Brahmans in the metal world.  First of all, you have your proto-Nietzschean, back to Mother Earth, church burning, Necronomicon quoting black metal fans (Ubermenschians).  They must be pure of heart and eardrum, because only they can actually tell what is happening on an early Darkthrone album.  To the lower castes, it is simply noise.  To them, it is art.

Above them are the serious New Wave of British Heavy Metal people (Metal Kings).  They get the Judas Priest album “Rocka Rolla” at both an artistic and spiritual level.  They can recite, from memory, every Diamond Head lyric.  They’ll never forget where they were the day Dennis Stratton left Iron Maiden.  These are the folks Manowar are really talking about.

The Problem

Were all metalheads to simply stay to themselves and not attempt contact with these other groups, things would probably be okay.  But, there has been a mixing of the castes over the past decade.  Oldbangers have bred with hipsters, Children of Chuck have mixed DNA with Panterites, Ubermenschians have mated with Thomas G Warriors, Metal Kings have blended with Hot Topicers, on and on South of Heaven.  Nowadays most of these metalheads openly admit to listening to other genres and even brag about associating with the lower and upper classes.  It’s gotten so that almost no one is pure anymore.

This is where eugenics come in (or UGH!genics, to the Thomas G Warriors).  The metal community needs to step in and enforce a series of measures designed to keep these groups from diluting the metal in the blood of the best of us.  Otherwise, all will be lost.

Metal's_not_dead

The Solution

Step #1:  Mandatory Sterilization of All Pantera Fans

These people tend to breed like rabbits.  The average Pantera fan has 9.71 children.  At this rate, by the year 2030, there will be more Pantera fans than people in Australia, Asia, Europe and South America combined.  Pantera genes tend to dominate all other metal genes, so the child of a Panterite and a Metal King will invariably become a Cowboy From Hell.  When they begin mixing with other metal fans, the possibility for a “Pantera Population Bomb” where the metal world is only able to support bands that sound like Pantera becomes a very real possibility

Step #2:  Deport All of The Lower Metal Classes to Greenland

Here’s how you do it.  You build a really big boat.  You promise most of them that Metallica will be playing a concert in Greenland where they will do nothing but songs from Kill’em All.  You’ll have to explain why this is significant to the Hot Topicers, as they will probably wonder if that means they will play “Until It Sleeps”.  Drop them off in Greenland and get out as fast as possible.  Occasionally, you can air drop the things they need to survive to them (copies of Spin Magazine for the hipsters, raw meat for the Panterites, and A Day To Remember hoodies for the Hot Topicers).

Step #3 Use Science To Create a Perfect Heavy Metal Being

The human race has yet to evolve to a point where we can scientifically generate perfect beings, but we have to prepare for a day when this is possible.  We must make an effort to collect all the DNA from people who purchased the first two Maiden albums on vinyl before 1983 and still have them in pristine condition.  We will use that DNA to one day create a Metal Messiah.  This Metal Messiah will destroy all those who have false metal blood and lift all those pure in thought and gene to their rightful place as masters of the lower animals.  And then, we won’t have to talk to them anymore.

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True Norwegian Black Friday: The Story Behind Extreme Nordic Capitalism

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“All hail the instigators of northern consumerism, Thanksgiving ist krieg!” says the grandmother of three who wears corpse paint as they walk by a newlywed couple expecting their first child at a store in Hopkins, Minnesota. The jovial scene and festivities inspire the lovers so much, they decide to name their firstborn Borknagar.

True Norwegian Black Friday has come a long way since 1950’s America, when it was first introduced to the country by the Minnesota Vikings. They brought the tradition from Scandinavia after their 1951 tour with Danzig in hopes of recreating the low prices and tales of Satanic elves they found in Helvete, a store in Norway.

The Tyranny of Tradition editorial staff spared no expense to search the truth behind the late November sales and traveled to Oslo, where Mortiis (born Mortimer Håvard Ellefsen), former Emperor bass player, manages the local chain of stores Varg-Mart, infamous for their slogan: Vi dolke høye priser i hodet! (We stab high prices in the head!). Their headquarter is conveniently located in what used to be Helvete, where Euronymous, Norwegian Black Metal pioneer, and Edmond Adolphe de Rothschild, Jewish banker, formed the alliance to sell extreme records at low prices.

“The Scandinavian tradition started when Allfather Odin was on a budget after wedding Frigga, known as Rene Russo in times before the light, and he needed to covet weapons for Ragnarok to fight the frost giant fanatics of the Sarpsborg band. While in the gardening department of a Nordstrom store, Odin fought a local hippie named Olaff over the last Gungnir in existence (a naturist brand of spearlike sticks used for planting seeds) and lost an eye in the altercation. The Ruler of Asgard sued the company and won a fortune. The court also sentenced the retailer to close all of its gardening departments to avoid further confrontations and eye loss.”

“Odin used his money to start the furniture company Ikea and take a vacation in Amsterdam, where he started a bromance with his fellow beard enthusiast Santa Claus, A.K.A. Sinterklaas, a sailor with an extensive record of breaking and entering into private property. They plotted together a pyramid scheme that consisted in giving children gifts and sticking their parents with the bill in the name of their other bearded acquaintance, Jesus, who they didn’t really like.”

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After we learned the history of Black Friday, Mortiis was kind enough to hook us up with an exclusive interview with Burzum International CEO, Lord of the Rings cosplayer, and advocate of all True Scandinavian traditions Varg Vikernes, who currently resides in France.*

“I’m not a Nazi. All of my banking friends are Jewish, and this is not a Swastika I’m wearing, it’s Fylfot, Thor’s ninja throwing star.” Stated the musician before we asked anything.

“Even though the holiday started in another country before any of us were born, it was people like Fenriz and myself who gave it its true identity. Me and a bunch of easily-impressionable kids came up with burning down churches as a publicity stunt that would bring business to both Christian contractors and Black Metal artists. It’s all about keeping the capital flowing. Look at what happened with the hostile takeover of Helvete. Euronymous wasn’t making any profit out of our church-burning meshuggah just because of his absurd hippie ideologies. Things needed to change rapidly, because we knew True Norwegian Black Metal is about making a buck.”

“Darkthrone records their music with an answering machine, uses Xerox copies for their cover art and there you go, you have a LP with a retail price that costs as much as a Behemoth album but didn’t waste money in production value. Hell, I’ve done it over and over again. I recorded a couple of albums from prison** with the cheapest synthesizer money can buy, wrote a bunch of repetitive Summoning rip-offs in a couple of hours and BOOM, I’m monetising my incarceration.”

“I’m very happy to see True Norwegian Black Friday has made it’s way to the American November, with the bargains and people wearing construction nails in hopes of poking someone’s eye out as they fight for a cheap X-Box One, re-enacting the greatest battle of Allfather Odin.”

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Burzum’s latest album titled Det Som En Gangvar Style was released on November 1st. It’s a new all-synth ambient CD that mixes long folk passages with hardcore elevator music recorded with the raw Necrojungle signature beats Vikernes has made popular. The ten minute jingles of the album are being played in malls and department stores all throughout America, and it makes a swell present for all the family!

Image*Vikernes exiled himself from Norway after a tape of himself and Sonja, Queen of Norway, in compromising positions was leaked and available on Netflix Scandinavia.

**The artist formerly known as Accountant Grishnackh was prosecuted for insurance fraud and larceny in 1994. He pulled the scam by getting a life insurance for bandmate Euronymous, hiding him in a trunk for 19 years, claiming the insurance money, and taking over his business.

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Protests Erupt as Tyler Perry’s “Diary of A Mad Black Metal Artist” Starring Dani Filth Opens On Broadway

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Tyler Perry is not usually one for controversy.  His plays and movies typically portray painfully uninteresting people wandering through hackneyed plots repeating the sort of dialogue that could have easily been generated by a computer that has been fed the scripts from the top grossing comedies of the past 30 years.  They are meant only to offend members of the John Birch Society and people who thought the whole cross-dressing bit in Mrs. Doubtfire took things “a bit too far”.

However, Perry’s recent foray into playwriting has been met by a flurry of criticism from the heavy metal community.  Last Thursday, “Diary of A Mad Black Metal Artist”, the latest in the Madea series, opened on Broadway.  Dani Filth, lead singer of the black metal band Cradle of Filth, plays the irascible but lovable grandmother usually played by Perry himself.

The story opens when Namond Brice, a good-natured young man with a penchant for getting in trouble in school, is sent by his parents Wee-Bay and De’Londa to live for a summer with live with his grandmother in order to teach him respect and discipline.  Madea, who has just returned from a tour of Europe with her black metal band Carpathian Melanoma, at first struggles to relate to Namond and forces him to spend weeks being tortured in a homemade dungeon.  Soon, however, the two bond over their love of Venom’s “Prime Evil” album and a deep, lasting relationship is formed.  When bloodthirsty leechpeople attack Madea’s farmhouse, Namond uses a flamethrower to kill them and save his beloved grandmother.

In spite of fairly positive reviews from critics, many metalheads are enraged that Dani Filth was cast in the lead as Madea.  “We stridently object to Dani Filth being cast in a play about black metal,” said BlaK Dan Krutzmeyer, head of Black Metal Fans For Decency, Purity and The Nordic Way.  “To refer to Dani as being a black metal artist is a blatant mischaracterization of the black metal community.  His band is, at best, gothic rock, at worst, a plague visited upon the human race to punish us for not bowing down in worship of The Gorgon.”

Krutzmeyer’s group has spent the past 76 hours blocking the entrance to The Eugene O’Neil Theater to try to stop people from attending the play.  Several of the protestors have thrown fake blood on theatergoers.  Three have even gone as far as to catapult bubonic plague infected bodies at members of the cast. Most of the 300 protestors have been arrested, including Krutzmeyer himself.

Perry has been astounded by the reaction to his latest play.  “I have worked hard throughout my entire career to create the most unimaginative, pedestrian, bromidic possible pabulum.  Having someone getting upset about one of my scripts is like seeing someone banging their fists with rage because their local supermarket doesn’t carry 2 percent milk.  My work should be seen as a marketing strategy, certainly not as some deeply significant cultural artifact worth getting arrested over.  Metalheads are some truly messed up people.”

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Billionaire Sheldon Adelson to Open Exclusive Black Metal Only Golf Course and Country Club

In a move designed to give committed black metal fans a break from having to spend time around people who consider Dimmu Borgir a true black metal band, billionaire casino owner and former Marduk bassist Sheldon Adelson plans to open the world’s first black metal only golf course and country club.  The club will be meant to provide recreational and networking opportunities to those who are true to the cause of real black metal.  The club will not allow any fake metal posers to join or even play as guests.

Adelson, a multi-million dollar contributor to political campaigns and groups that deal with social issues, has always felt that the cause of black metal elitism was close to his heart.  He has given over 12 million dollars to Black Metal Listeners for Decency, a group that has lobbied the US Congress for several years in order to pass a law that force music retailers to only sell black metal albums to those who can provide valid proof of metal purity.  Proof would include a signed letter from Fenriz, pictures of the person burning down a church or skull fragments from Euronymous.

The country club, set on 300 plush acres in the hills of North Carolina, will feature a course designed by legendary golf architect Robert Trent Jones.  In spite of the traditional location and set up, the club will feature some unique and somewhat bizarre rules.  Only those in corpse paint will be allowed to enter the clubhouse.  In order to play the course, members must wear golf spikes as well as an authentic tour shirt from a black metal concert that took place before 1994.  The only languages that will be spoken at the club will be Old Norse or Burzamtine, a language developed by Varg Vikernes during his time in prison.

Several poser rights groups have come out in opposition to creating a country club that practices discrimination.  Arnold Vespesian, Director of Posers For Equality, and 100 of his followers have descended on North Carolina Sunday and began protesting the opening of the club.  Vespasian is appalled that in this day and age a country club could be allowed to restrict its members based on their taste in music.  “After all, aren’t people supposed to be judged on the content of their character, not the contents of their IPod?  This is America!”  announced Vespasian to a cheering group of kids in Cradle of Filth shirts outside of a Hot Topic in Charlotte’s Northlake Mall.

In spite of the protests, the course is still on track for a Spring 2013 opening.  The course opening is expected to be attended by some of the top names in black metal and golf including Secthdamon, Tiger Woods and Destructhor.

Black Metal God Sheldon Adelson

Black Metal God Sheldon Adelson

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