Archive for category Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers
Is Metallica Drummer Lars Ulrich Dead?
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on November 21, 2014
One Of Those Candid Looking Close-Up Pictures They Show When Someone Dies To Make The Public Reflect Fondly On Their Memories Of The Dead Person
Unconfirmed rumors of the death of Lars Ulrich were nowhere to be found on the Internet this morning only moments before this article was published. No credible source with knowledge of Ulrich’s current whereabouts has commented on the matter or even been asked about his passing. This won’t stop many members of the mindless, bloodthirsty mob known affectionately as “the public” from believing that Lars has died.
In spite of the fact that no one has asked the band, many believe that Lars is dead due to the fact that some dude sitting in his living room typed out a bunch of words, attached some pictures and hit the publish button. The torrent of silence on this non-issue has left many to speculate that there might be some sort of cover up.
“Where there is smoke, there is often fire. Or, at least, smoke,” said Metallica fan and frequent Facebook opinion giver Steve Weremembercliff.
Several doctors who have never examined Ulrich weighed in on the controversy including Dr. Eric Liposuct, a well-known expert on esophagus transplants. He speculated, “Ulrich, like most people, has a terminal condition. It’s known as being alive. He has somewhere between 1 day and 50 years left on this earth.”
A Stock Photo Of People Crying Meant To Help Con The Public Into Buying Into This Stupid Lie
Fans of the band, hoping desperately to be the first to inform everyone of his death, will plunge headlong into a frenzy of article sharing without reading its contents. In some cases, they may read the article and repost it hoping for that amazing feeling of superiority one gets when realizing that there are many people in the world dumber and more gullible than they are. The author of the article also plans to revel in this cheap, but highly stimulating thrill.
At first, some will be saddened by his mock death. This will be followed by a flood of indignation from a public who loves both the feeling of false community experienced when they can passively observe the suffering of strangers from a safe distance with others and the feeling of righteous anger that typically follows being suckered for the 8 millionth time by some degenerate hustler trying to milk out a few more “unique visitors”.
By late in the afternoon, the whole thing will be forgotten as the mindless drudgery of everyday life reasserts itself. This will be followed by another manufactured controversy in which people everywhere experience a set of emotions that were once reserved for actual human interactions. On and On South of Heaven…
Metallica To Donate 1 Percent Of Profits From Album To Victims of Being Trapped Under Ice
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on August 18, 2014
Heavy metal is known as a type of music that promotes Satanism, debauchery and ritualistic homicide. For years, bands like Varg Vikernes and Megadeath have celebrated the suffering of millions in order to sell record albums. In a bold step to forever alter the image of heavy metal, Metallica has decided to take a look at the man in the mirror and make a change.
After the band visited a hospital ward in Blaine, Minnesota filled with children who had been trapped under ice, the members of Metallica have decided to give back the best way they know how. With money.
In the last 20 years, nearly one million Americans have been trapped under ice. This can lead to hypothermia and really bad cardiopulmonary stuff. Being trapped under ice is the 179th leading killer in America today, just behind accidentally dropping a toaster in the bathtub and hoof-in-mouth disease. Awareness of this national crisis is critical in order to raise awareness of this national crisis.
According to Metallica spokesman Chuck Ponzi, “It is critical that the public understand that Metallica really cares about people. We wanted to take pictures of them at a leper colony, but that was deemed too dangerous, so instead they decided to help The National Trapped Under Ice Foundation battle against other diseases for the charity dollars of millions of Americans.”
“It’s a win-win situation. People can absolve themselves of the responsibility of having to actually take action to help others all while enjoying a fabulous new album. Also, by bringing awareness to this vital cause Metallica can rehabilitate their reputation as money-grubbing swine and make absurd amounts of money in the process.”
“The guys have been talking a lot lately about wanting to make a difference. The other day when they were at a local Starbucks drinking seven-dollar coffees, it became clear how they could do it. Starbucks gives two percent from every beverage sold to save the rainforests. Why can’t Metallica sell their brand in the same way? Let the public spend money on things they want and let them feel like good people for doing it!”
Several bands have already jumped in with ideas on how to create a better world while hawking useless consumer goods. As of today, two percent of every Immolation tee-shirt sold will go to burn victims while MOD will donate the proceeds from three percent of every hoodie sold to those suffering from AIDS. Even Kiss is getting into the act by donating a full .0000001 percent of sales of Kiss lunchboxes to help fight depression.
Robin Williams Riot In Ferguson Enters Day 5
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on August 15, 2014
Rioting and looting continues to rage in Ferguson, Missouri as pro-Robin Williams miscreants destroy high quality consumer products in the hopes of avenging “the worst American tragedy since the death of Michael Jackson”.
The riots, triggered by the suicide of the beloved star of “Toys” and “Patch Adams”, looked to be quelled earlier in the week when city officials agreed to play “Jumanji” at a local theater for 24 consecutive hours offering the really bad people who are destroying things free admission. However, the malcontents began to riot again when it was announced that reruns of “Mork and Mindy” would no longer be played on Nick at Night.
According to community organizer and rioter Ralph Parsons, “we considered several non-violent tactics to bring awareness to this crisis. We thought about marching on city hall or even boycotting belts. However, when something of this magnitude takes place, drastic actions are needed.”
The godless heathens, who just break stuff because they are bitter about their inability to succeed in a country where you can do anything you want if you just work hard, have begun a recent spree of burning down Quik Trip (QT) convenience stores. The National Guard has been called in to protect the wonderful array of coffees and fresh baked goods offered at low prices to an adoring public.
Parsons, who was recently laid off and lost his home because of his laziness and poor hygiene, believes that the media’s coverage of the riots has been highly inaccurate.
“I keep turning on the television and hearing all this nonsense about the racial stuff. Sure, police often target African Americans. Sure, African Americans represent a disproportionate number of the people in our prisons. Sure, some unarmed 18 year old was shot by a police officer. But honestly, how does all this stuff compare to the sheer horror our community has experienced by having our hopes and dreams of a sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire dashed in such a cruel way?”
As cries of “It’s time to stop the looting and start shooting a remake of Hook” fill the streets, a terror has begun to grip the people of Missouri, punctuated by the question filling the mind of every American…
“When will it end?”
An unInterview With King Diamond That Never Happened
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on July 22, 2014
Just Look At This Guy
(editors note: At no time during this unInterview did I unInterview King Diamond. As far as I’m aware, he has no idea this unInterview has taken place. Even if he did, I’m guessing that since he is in his early 90’s, his memory is starting to blur. He would probably either not remember it had it taken place or thought he was talking to Abraham Lincoln)
I did not get a chance to talk to with King Diamond recently. We were not on his tour bus before the concert talking for an hour and a half while he was putting his makeup on. He did not have me come up on stage and sing the chorus of “Tea” with him. After the show, King Diamond and I did not go to a 24-hour Denny’s together and get Moons Over My Hammys. He did not call me later in the week to play racquetball.
Tyranny: Let’s get this straight, Kim. As far as I am aware, America is not a monarchy. Therefore, I will not be referring to you as King at any point during this unInterview. We are both grown men. I’m not going to play the make believe game with you where you pretend to be this dark ghoulish satanic overlord and I pretend to be your frightened minion.
I will be referring to you by your birth name, Kim, throughout the duration of this unInterview. That okay with you, your highness?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: DO…YOU…NEED…ME…..TO…TALK……LOUDER!!!!
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: Kim, I wanted to ask you about the whole being short thing. I read somewhere you are a wee little fella. About 5’4 it said. I heard you used to model for trophies. And that you used to play handball against a curb. And that you can hang glide on a Dorito.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: When you choose what musicians are going to play with you on a tour, is height a factor? Let’s say, for example, you were to have had the late Peter Steele play bass live with you. He was 6 foot 6. You would have looked like a little marionette next to him. Or like a tiny, painted Chihuahua.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: Kim is a girl’s name, isn’t it? Were your parents trying to do some sort of Johnny Cash “A Boy Named Sue” thing to toughen you up?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: What’s with your voice anyway? You sound like an angry Muppet.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: You seem like a pretty bright guy. Do you ever look back on your life and think that you could have been a doctor or a lawyer instead of a grown man running around a stage in a Halloween costume?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: In an earlier article I said some pretty insulting stuff about your age. I want to take a moment to apologize for that. As a gesture of goodwill, I want to offer you this tube of Fixodent and a coupon for the early bird special at the local Sizzler.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: Back to the height thing for a minute. When your band mates are angry with you, do they put your skulls, candles and fingerless leather gloves on high shelves so you can’t reach them without getting a phonebook or a chair?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: I heard you kicked your bassist Hal Patino off the tour because he threatened to leave you in the bathtub with the water running.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: If Satan were real, don’t you think he’d be embarrassed by the silly way you are representing him?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: Don’t cop an attitude with me. What are you going to do? Put some voodoo spell on me? Bury a human head in a graveyard with a lima bean in its mouth in order to have locust descend on my home? I’m about a foot taller than you. I’ll take your copy of the Necronomicon and force you to eat it page by page. I’ll smack the paint off your face, son.
Oh…c’mon! Where you goin’? What’s a matter with you?!?! I was only kidding!!!!!
Elderly Man In Makeup To Travel United States Screeching About His Grandmother
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on July 13, 2014
Get ready America! Starting in October, a man qualified to receive Social Security benefits will travel this great nation howling like a banshee into an inverted cross microphone. That’s right…He’s Back (and hopefully he won’t throw His out)!
He’ll be visiting mostly warm weather climates to avoid a difficult winter, all the while taking advantage of the large number of early bird special meals geared towards persons of his demographic. His mornings will be spent consuming free Econolodge continental breakfasts and soaking himself in a tub of ice in anticipation of having to do the same routine in front of yet another group of awestruck admirers that He wants nothing to do with.
Tickets will, no doubt, be remarkably expensive in order to help Him offset the constant stream of costly doctor visits and potions meant to prolong his time on this condemned, dying planet. Luckily, he’ll be able to dodge the stillness and eternal silence of the grave for a few more years, a fate only slightly more appealing than complete oblivion.
Satan will be the subject of many of the songs that he will mercilessly caterwaul his way through. As most people above the age of seven know, Satan is a quaint, antiquated idea meant to remind people that it is possible that an evil exists that is even more terrifying than our elected government officials.
Notes, once hit by this rock luminary, will be missed with increasing frequency as this once in a lifetime series of concert events painfully marches its way to its conclusion in Austin, Texas. He will once again prove, without a shadow of doubt, that castrato vocals sound much better coming out of the mouth of a pre-pubescent child than a man old enough to be his grandfather.
An eager group of die-hard fans will get the opportunity to drown themselves in an orgy of nostalgia and binge spending on overpriced merchandise, temporarily alleviating the horrifying realities of a world gone completely insane.
They will emerge the next day from a brutal hangover induced by ten-dollar cups of flat beer late to the unfulfilling brutality of their mindless, soul-sucking chosen professions. That is, if they happen to be among the lucky people whose jobs have not be shipped off to a country where it is possible to pay workers less than a dollar a day to produce items that will be consumed and quickly forgotten.
As the lives those able to attend these shows wind to a bitter, meaningless conclusion, they can rejoice in the fact that they participated in an event they can describe to young people who will humor them by feigning attention, all the while worrying whether they have received a new text message in the last twelve seconds.
A great time should be had by all.
Manowar: The Undisputed Kings of Comedy
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on June 13, 2014
In The Hallowed Halls of True Satire, no comic acts have attained the lofty heights that Manowar has reached by accident. Charlie Chaplin, Abbott and Costello, The Three Stooges, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, George W. Bush….no one is on par with Manowar. It’s not even close.
An odd mixture of Goebellsian fascist imagery, arrested pre-teen angst and Rodgers and Hammerstein, Manowar have created an act that aims to stretch the boundaries of the absurd far beyond their breaking point.
The sheer earnestness with which they fight for a cause that is not really being threatened is breathtaking. They are defenders of a faith that no one has. Protectors of a mythos so silly that it is hard to imagine that they can stand on stage for an hour and a half without breaking into fits of laughter. Yet they soldier on, without a hint of the joke that only they do not get.
If you’ve been to a Manowar show, you know what I’m talking about. What can be said of a band whose claim to fame is playing at a volume so beyond the limits of what the human eardrum can handle that one would think they were part of a secret government conspiracy to infect all metal fans with tinnitus?
When I saw them, every one of the 300 or so fans around me had their fist clasped within their hand waiving it in a salute called “The Sign of The Hammer”. Mussolini couldn’t keep a straight face. Yet somehow, Manowar does.
Joey DeMaio, the band’s bass player and spiritual center, actually came out when I saw them and read this rambling, demented love letter from a fan about the life-changing power of Manowar’s music. Even the most devout, snake-passing evangelical would chuckle at this trick. Yet somehow, Manowar does not.
The case for Manowar as the greatest comedy act is easy to make. Anyone who has listened to them can easily tick off some of the highlights. Who can forget the “letter they wrote to ‘The MTV’ and the Radio (singular)” where they say “What’s going on? Don’t you care about me?” Or the thrity one second note Eric Adams warbles through at the end of “Black Wind, Fire and Steel”?
Try the Manowar drinking game sometime. Listen to their whole discography in order and take a shot every time the words “fire” or “steel” appear in a song. You will be unable to drive halfway through “Battle Hymns”, unable to walk or speak by “Fighting The World” and by the time “Triumph of Steel” comes around, there is a good chance you’ll be in a coma.
If you can’t see the sheer comedic genius in this, the last few pieces of evidence should seal the deal for you.
Exhibit A: “Metal Warriors“
Forget for a moment that they continuously encourage “wimps and posers to leave the hall”. Forget that within the first minute of the song the Disneyesque lyric “there’s magic in the metal, there’s magic in us all” appears.
They build the song to a dramatic verse which ends with the unfathomable words “got to make it louder, all men play on ten, if you’re not into metal, you are not my friend”. In case you missed it the first time, Adams howls the same verse at the top of his lungs only seconds later.
Exhibit B: “Spirit Horse of The Cherokee”
There have been many poignant tributes to the plight of Native Americans. This is not one of them. I’m not sure what kinship Manowar feel with Native Americans. They both have long hair. That’s all I can come up with.
Still, that doesn’t stop Eric Adams from punctuating the chorus with a ridiculous made-up Cherokee war cry without a hint of irony. Or from screaming “Let The White Man Die!!!”.
Are they aware that they are white? Probably not. This is Custer’s Last Stand and they are Sitting Bull and his army of Lakota Warriors. They have taken this bizarro fantasy so far that they are actually capable of believing it.
Exhibit C: “Guyana (Cult of The Damned)”
If you ever want to illustrate Manowar’s talent for ridiculousness to the uninitiated, this is the song to do it with. Long before they were rallying Native Americans to slaughter white men, they managed to write a song meant to highlight the horrors experienced in the 1970s during the mass suicide by Jim Jones’ People’s Temple in an event known as The Jonestown Massacre.
Only Manowar would have the temerity to begin a song about such a somber topic with the line “Thank you for the Kool-Aid, Reverend Jim”. And only Manowar could finish this seven minute catastophe with the haunting words “MOTHER! MOTHER!”
Exhibit D:
Although this article is clearly meant to mock Manowar, it is also meant to be a genuine tribute. They pull this nonsense off seamlessly and with a sense of timing that some of the greatest comics could never match. Few have ever scaled to such imaginary heights. Few have ever soared like eagles to this proverbial “rainbow in the sky”
There is only one Manowar. They are a gift from The Gods of Heavy Metal to remind us of the feats men can achieve when completely detached from reality.
Danzig To Sue Everyone On Earth
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on May 7, 2014
You’ve probably heard of him before. He’s part wolf, part lion, part ubermensch. He is possibly the most evolved being in human history. He is Glenn Danzig and He is suing you.
In a stunning declaration of war against the entire human race, Glenn Danzig has filed a lawsuit in Manhattan Federal Court against over seven billion human beings. Danzig, who is acting as his own attorney, claimed in one of the over 40 billion documents brought into court by an entire fleet of Federal Express trucks that “He has been done wrong by everyone including Misfits bassist Jerry Only, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, actor Eli Wallach, NFL quarterback Sam Bradford, Frank Oz (the voice of Yoda) and everyone else on this godforsaken planet.”
While some of the suits have been thrown out by the Court as frivolous, over two and a half billion cases will be heard over the next five centuries. Danzig, who is immortal and has over 35,000 defense points (ten times as many as Snorlax), plans to argue each case “with the passion and burning rage of a thousand suns”.
Judge Marvin Barnes labeled many of the suits “patently absurd and possibly indicative of a severe break with reality that could signify mental illness”. For example, Danzig attempted to sue everyone in the country of Azerbaijan for erecting statues in his honor without properly compensating him for the use of his likeness.
His lawsuit against the 1.6 billion citizens of the People’s Republic of China for building thousands of environmentally hazardous coal plants without consulting Him or giving Him proper credit for the invention of coal was also considered not worthy of the Court’s time.
Here’s The Picture of Danzig Buying Kitty Litter For Absolutely No Reason
Barnes begrudgingly agreed to hear 2.5 billion lawsuits because he “greatly admired Danzig’s first four solo albums and even a few songs by Samhain.” Danzig’s five hundred thousand dollar suit against Carol Mosley, a tax accountant in Boise, Idaho, for listening to “How The Gods Kill” without headbanging during the part where the song gets really heavy will go forward.
His 1.2 million dollar suit against Edward Callahan, a construction worker in Sacramento, California, when, in 2011, Callahan laughed hysterically at Danzig’s famed discussion of his book collection where He talks about the crimes of Jesus, clay people and the occult roots of Nazism will also see its day in court.
Danzig’s six hundred million dollar claim against The Tyranny of Tradition for implying that he gave birth to identical twin girls, a suit that would bankrupt myself and my progeny for the next three thousand years, is also proceeding. Danzig also plans to sue this website for having to waste time filing a lawsuit. Finally, Danzig will sue this site for having to file a lawsuit about filing a lawsuit; again wasting valuable time he could be using writing songs about being the nephew of the Devil and his general disdain for having been born.
Paul Stanley To Rock Hall Of Fame: “We Can’t Believe One Stupid Gimmick Got Us This Far”
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on April 13, 2014
Paul Hates Us All
Friday night’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony certainly did not go as planned. The all-star gala turned into a near riot when Kiss guitarist Paul Stanley announced to the capacity crowd that he wanted to thank “all the morons who shelled out millions of dollars on our worthless toys and mindlessly dull records.” He continued, “if it weren’t for you people being dumb as a pail of hammers, I’d have never been able to afford all of the cars, drugs and mansions I’ve bought over the years with money that could have been used on things that actually might have bettered your lives.”
Stanley then reminisced about the early days of Kiss. “Jesus, I remember wasting nights with Gene playing god awful music at half empty dive bars in New York City back in the 70s. We both couldn’t play a lick, but we figured being in a band would be a good way to meet chicks. One night he looked at me and was like ‘Paul…I got it! Makeup!’ Next thing we know, you lemmings are plunking down hundreds of dollars just to get your hands on a Kiss lunchbox.”
As the audience began throwing ten-dollar bottles of Dasani water at the stage, Stanley continued to belittle the crowd. “Seriously, none of us are good at anything but marketing. In terms of actual artistic ability, the only thing Gene ever did that was worthwhile was that stupid movie where the robot spiders tried to kill Tom Selleck. Peter Criss is barely bright enough to lace up his own shoes, but he’s made something north of the Gross National Product of Luxembourg by doing nothing more than wearing kitten makeup. None of us can even read music.”
“In America, all you have to know how to do is get the suckers excited about something then….boom….you have a yacht. Mencken sure as hell was right when he said ‘No one ever went broke underestimating the American public’. We are the Cabbage Patch Kids of Heavy Metal…and you fools don’t even realize it.”
At that point, Ace Frehely tried to wrestle Stanley away from the microphone, but Stanley knocked him to the ground with a vicious roundhouse left. “Get away from me, Ace…it’s time we told these poor deluded bastards the truth!”
“We laugh at you people! All the time! It’s too damn easy. We howl for hours at all of these music school prodigy types who waste their lives learning to play musical instruments. Have fun playing in front of a bunch of poet socialist college professors and nine dollar an hour baristas at Open Mic Tuesdays over at your local Starbucks. I’m a little busy…you know…meeting with my accountants, buying new Ferraris and investing in strip mining ventures in the Congo to even bother learning how to tune my guitar.”
Stanley concluded his speech over a wild crescendo of booing and screaming with these words…“I originally wanted to end tonight’s ceremony by telling you that our induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a victory for mediocrity. The truth is…that would be an insult to mediocre people everywhere.”
“This great moment is a product of two factors. Our being lucky enough to be the first ones to come up with this stupid gimmick and your need to be part some asinine communal consumer experience that you can share with the rest of the witless sheep around you. We have created nothing of value and have been rewarded for this with barrels upon barrels of money. Thank you to the Hall for recognizing our musical con artistry and all of the dumb animals out there who gave us so much for so little. If it weren’t for you, we’d still be broke. Thanks!”
Great Moments In Metal History: Jason Newsted Invents The No-String Bass
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on April 8, 2014
In 1988, Metallica released their seminal album “…And Justice For All”. Beyond being one of the top selling metal albums of all-time it featured the debut of their new bassist Jason Newsted. Newsted took over for the late Cliff Burton who was considered one of the finest metal bass players on the planet.
The band selected Newsted out of a pool of thousands of candidates including jazz legend Victor Wooten, Primus front man Les Claypool and Egyptian Prime Minister Hosni Mubarak. Newsted, who was never really considered much of musician, was selected for his very metal looking hair and menacing scowl. Following Cliff Burton was a challenge for a guy who only recently had learned to use both hands when playing the instrument. How would Jason replace this legendary metal figure?
Instead of running away from this daunting task, Newsted devised a strategy before the “…And Justice” sessions that would forever change metal bass playing. He simply removed the strings from the instrument. “We knew he had no idea what to do with the bass,” said noted producer Bob Rock. “He’s right-handed and would pick the thing up like he was a lefty. We were really nervous. Then, Jason showed up with the bass with no strings and Lars was like ‘Hell yeah, man!’ The rest is history.”
The invisible playing that Newsted performed on “…And Justice” is some of the most memorable non-playing in the history of the genre. Who could forget the fabulous non-bassline in Dyers’ Eve? Or the complex non-bass solo before the fade up at the beginning of Eye of The Beholder? By simply standing there pantomiming what an actual bass player would do, Jason helped create one of the most important albums in the last 30 years.
Newsted abandoned the no-string bass on later albums. This proved to be a career-destroying mistake. James and Lars called a closed door meeting with Jason and broke the news to him. “I told him ‘Jason, we simply can’t grow as a band if you continue to insist on playing actual basslines. It’s just not your strength. Maybe it’s time for you to move on.’ Besides the “little Danish friend” talk with Dave Mustaine in the movie “Some Kind of Monster”, it was the most difficult conversation I’ve ever had,” said a teary-eyed Lars Ulrich as he casually glanced at his watch.
Newsted tried to bring back the “no string” style on a solo album called “The Sound of No Noise”. He was accompanied by two no string guitarists, a drummer with no sticks and a mute vocalist. The album sold less than 300 copies. Newsted picked up studio work with several well-known bands, playing several times in the silent space between the last song on the album and the hidden track.
Today, Jason is a manager at a Herman’s Sporting Goods store in Bayonne, New Jersey. He doesn’t talk often talk about the time he spent in Metallica. Recently, he’s toyed with the concept of doing a ragtime album using a piano with no keys, but his musician days are probably behind him. He has no regrets about his life on the road with the band, but he is clear that his getting paid a lot of money for looking like he belonged in Metallica days are behind him. “There just isn’t much of a market for a bass player who doesn’t know how to play bass,” said Newsted as he calmly stacked boxes of Reebok sneakers on top of one another. “Honestly, in heavy metal, untalented, tone-deaf bass players are a dime a dozen.”
God: “I Did What I Had To In Order To Prevent ‘Lulu Two’”
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on February 26, 2014
God Angrily Dismissing Questions From Reporters About “Lulugate”
In a press conference outside his home in Valdosta, Georgia, God today admitted responsibility for committing “several crimes against humanity” including “ravaging Lou Reed’s body with disease” in order to stop Metallica from collaborating on a second album.
“Look, I know I created a world where many horrible things happen. War, famine, earthquakes, tornados, babies born without heads, I can live with all that. However, James Hetfield again declaring himself to be a piece of furniture is where I draw the line,” pronounced God moments before he ascended into the clouds for an afternoon meeting with rap legend Eazy-E.
God is no stranger to controversy. While he has been responsible for many of the greatest miracles ever to take place, he has also gained a reputation as a vengeful, jealous God and, by some estimates, has been responsible for the deaths of over 107 billion people throughout the course of human history. Some critics have gone as far as accusing God of the manufacture and use of several biological weapons including the bubonic plague, cancer and the Ebola virus.
Some of God’s critics claim his treatment of humans is excessive and even bizarre. Lot Markowitz, a traveling salesman from Gomorrah, Pennsylvania, remembers God’s behavior as being extremely erratic.
“He destroys two cities completely, kills everyone, but lets my family go, right? Then, all of a sudden, my wife turns around and she’s a pillar of salt. What sort of weird, sick creature would do that?!?!”
God also has been known to play the occasional inappropriate practical joke. He once told his faithful servant Abraham to climb up to the top of Mount Moriah and kill his beloved son Isaac. Only moments before the murder of this small child, God, hardly able to keep a straight face, stopped Abraham and boomed out “Just Kidding!!!”
In spite of his recent indiscretions, many believed God’s ending of the Cold War and introduction of additional cable television channels had signaled a “kinder, gentler God”.
However, according to several confirmed sources, God not only smote Lou Reed but also threatened to cover each member of Metallica from head to toe in boils and send a flood to destroy the city of Cleveland, Ohio if they released anything else they had written in tandem with the rock legend.
Many bloggers had speculated that God took retribution on Metallica skinsman Lars Ulrich by robbing him of his ability to play drums as punishment for his work on the first “Lulu” album. However, those charges have been brushed aside by many in the metal community who have listened to Ulrich’s drumming since “…And Justice For All” and are well aware that he was stripped of those powers back in 1988, well before the dreaded 2011 release.
The Tyranny of Tradition 