Posts Tagged Testament

Ozzy Checks Into Rehabilitation Center For Addiction To Marzipan

Ozzy After Passing Out In A Bowl of Soup Saturday Night

Ozzy After Passing Out In A Bowl of Soup on Saturday Night

Heavy metal rocker Ozzy Osbourne reportedly checked into The Barbara Ford Center For Confectionary Addiction on Sunday morning after a weeklong Marzipan bender that nearly cost him his teeth and pancreas. He was found face-down in a bowl of lobster bisque at a diner in Manassas, Virginia late Saturday night. Doctors tested his Blood Glucose Level and found it to be 4 million milligrams per deciliter (over 3.9 million milligrams higher than it should have been), a clear sign of a Marzipan overdose.

Osbourne, who has recently cancelled a Black Sabbath show due to what some are calling a “Marzipan Hangover”, has struggled with addiction throughout a good portion of his career. Recently however, Ozzy has become incoherent when speaking, has fallen off the stage during concerts and burned 1/3 of Arizona to the ground while making a grilled cheese sandwich.

Ozzy Can't Figure Out Why The Motorcycle Won't Move

Ozzy Exhibiting Marzipan Dementia…Unsure Why The Bike Won’t Start

Addiction to Marzipan (or Marzy, as it is often called on the streets) is a particularly difficult habit to quit. People often begin eating the sticky, sweet substance at parties. Quickly, they will move onto smoking or snorting Marzipan to get a quicker, stronger high. From there, many addicts will boil the substance into a paste and inject it directly into their bloodstream.

At the height of Jimmy “Bloodwrench” Martin’s Marzipan addiction, he was shooting the substance directly into his eyeballs eight or nine times a day. Martin, the bass player for math rock legends Morbid Angle, was hooked on “Marzy” for 3 years before he realized he needed help.

“My teeth had begun to rot, I had sores all over my body, I developed Type 1 through 16 Diabetes…just to get that rush. I’d wake up at 3 AM in a cold sweat trying to get my Marzipan dealer on the phone. I sold my toaster, my television, even my bass at one point. I was desperate. Anything to get that fix.”

Martin has finally gotten clean. Today, he works at The Hershey Center in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania helping rehabilitate other Marzipan addicts.

“Things are rougher out there then they were when I was using. It’s not just Marzipan anymore. We’ve had 13-year-old kids come into the center after getting caught freebasing nougat. The Court sent one guy here because he tried to shoot an entire flan into his arm. It’s a crisis out there and nobody seems to be paying attention.”

Ozzy Mistakes Kermit For A Marzipan Cupcake, Tries To Eat Him

Ozzy Mistakes Kermit For A Marzipan Cupcake, Tries To Eat Him

While Ozzy is the first high profile, celebrity, heavy metal rock and roll rocker to seek help for his addiction other heavy metallers have run into problems with Marzipan. Irish authorities detained Testament singer Chuck Billy last year when he attempted to smuggle an entire Battenberg Cake (a dessert that uses so-called “Marzipan Frosting”) out of the country in his suitcase. Marzipan is not technically illegal in Ireland, so Billy was released, but he was placed on a Department of Homeland Security Watchlist due to the incident.

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Incantation to Release “Backwards To Golgotha”; Entire First Album Played in Reverse

incantationIn order to commemorate the 22nd anniversary of Incantation’s seminal metal classic “Onwards To Golgotha”, the band plans to release the album entirely in reverse. This new take on an old classic gives the band an opportunity to capitalize on the recent trend of metal bands milking every remaining cent out of metal’s defiled carcass.

“Live albums, remastered album, rerecording old material…all that stuff has been done to death. Manowar has released albums where they rerecord rerecordings of recordings of old Manowar songs. Mustaine wants to charge the public 15 bucks to hear the bass a bit higher on Rust in Peace. At least we are giving the fans something that sounds relatively new,” said the band’s current bass player on the condition of anonymity.

“Then again, it’s a poorly produced death metal album. Who can really tell the difference if it’s playing backwards or forwards?”

Meanwhile, several bands have also gotten into the sucking blood from a stone business.  Metallica plans to rerelease “The Black Album” in the fall with a trained chimpanzee playing drums. Testament is currently in the planning stages of a new version of “The New Order” with Chuck Billy singing after inhaling helium from a balloon. Slayer is in talks to put out “Reign in Blood 2.0”, a recording where all Kerry King’s solos will be replaced by a chainsaw cutting through a series of oak trees.

In an attempt to reclaim their role as genre defining innovators, Incantation plans to follow this remake by moving away from their death metal roots.  The band is in the process of creating a musical comedy called “A Funny Thing Happened on The Way To Golgotha” about the crucifixion of Christ. Several of the musical numbers, including one featuring Jesus and a Rockettes style line of people being crucified, have already been completed.   Singer and guitarist John McEntee, who bares an uncanny resemblance to Jesus, plans on playing the lead in the show.

“The integration of Stephen Sondheim style songs and showmanship should hopefully put the last nail in the coffin of heavy metal,” said McEntee in a fictional interview conducted at his home last Friday.

“I mean, folks…it’s over. Go home. Metal is in the final death spiral. We are the Roman Empire besieged by hipster Visigoths. In 10 years you’ll be spending a thousand bucks to travel to Wacken to see Attack! Attack! headline. And it’ll still be better than watching Ozzy get wheeled out on stage to screw up War Pigs for the 8 millionth time.”

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I Tried To Book Tipper Gore To Speak At A Heavy Metal Music Festival

Every once in a while boredom strikes and I get a weird idea to liven up my day. Yesterday, I was sitting around watching Maiden, England for the 60,000th time and it occurred to me…Why don’t I try to book Tipper Gore to speak at a heavy metal festival???

It seemed like getting in touch with her would be a difficult task, but a quick internet search brought me to the Henry Welker Booking Agency. Apparently, this agency handles everyone from Dick Cheney to Shaquille O’Neal. They also are the contact people for one Mary Elizabeth “Tipper” Gore, the woman who single-handedly tried to destroy heavy metal in the 1980s.

After being shuffled from person-to-person and listening to 10 minutes of unbearable hold music (“Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”….Twice), I finally got ahold of this smarmy ghoul named Howard Robinson (who told me I could call him “Howie”)

Tipper Gore pointing finger

Me: The promotional company I work for is putting together a special event and we’d like to book Tipper Gore to speak at it.

Howie: Sure. Sure. Well, I need to tell you that the former first lady (there was a pause where I was expected to chuckle at this)…I mean, of course, Ms. Gore usually books her speaking engagements about 3 months ahead.

Me: Perfect. I’m looking to book her towards the end of December.

Howie: And, just so you’re aware, we handle top-flight talent. Ms. Gore gets a minimum of $25,000 per speech along with travel and other expenses. Depending on what you are looking for the cost might run as high as $150,000.

Me: No problem at all. I have a sponsor who is quite willing to put the money up for a good cause like this.

Howie: Great! Well, let’s get started. What sort of an event are you looking to book Ms. Gore for?

Me: Alright. You are going to think this is kind of strange because of her anti-heavy metal stance back in the 1980s, but I’m looking to book her at a metal festival in Clearwater, Florida. The festival is called Values Fest 2014.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, but this isn’t your garden-variety festival. It’s one that will feature positive heavy metal bands who are using music as a platform to educate our young people about important issues like homelessness and global warming.

Howie: Uhm.. Okay…You have to understand, this is a pretty unusual request. I really have to run this by Tipper. What would you need her to do?

Me: Well, she would be speaking before a few of the headlining bands. Kind of like an emcee. She’d basically be talking about how music should be about promoting good things and not the awful, evil stuff that is out there now. I mean, things have gotten far worse since the 1980s as I’m sure you can imagine.

Howie: Sure…sure. You say you have a sponsor for this. I need to tell Ms. Gore who the sponsor is to make sure that her values are similar to the person paying the tab.

Me: He doesn’t really want me to use his name.

Howie: It’s pretty critical to the process.

Me: Okay, but this can’t go past you, myself and Tipper.

Howie: Absolutely!

Me: Donald Trump contacted me about a week ago. Apparently one of his grandkids is into a Satan worship cult thanks to listening to heavy metal and he wants to help the wipe the nation clean of the stuff. He’s putting up serious money for this but, does not, repeat, does not want his name linked to the project.

Howie: Well, she’s not a huge fan of Mr. Trump, but they are on the same page here. Because of the nature of this project we’d need about $200,000 to do this.

Me: Fine. No problem. Honestly, Trump is pretty into this idea. You could pretty much name your price.

Howie: Okay! I also need to communicate with her the names and a little bit about the bands she’d be introducing.

Me: Okay, well, it is a three-day festival. On Friday night, she’d be introducing a band called As I Lay Dying. The band name sounds pretty crazy, but I can assure you they are Christian and talk a lot about family. The name is actually a reference to a William Faulker novel about overcoming the pain of loss. They are also very interested in renewable energy.

tim-lambesis-asilaydying

Howie: Okay. I’m not sure she’ll go for that, but I certainly can ask.

Me: Stryper will also be playing that night. They were so inspired by Ms. Gore in the 1980s they started playing value-friendly metal, as we like to call it.

Howie: I’m sure she knows them and would be glad to do that.

Me: On Saturday, she’d be introducing a band known as Exodus. They’re lyrics are based on The Book of Exodus and they talk about living a Christ-centered life as well as how to deal with mental health issues like depression and pica.  Their big song is called Toxic Waltz.  It’s about individuals standing up to large corporations that spray toxins into our air.

Also, she’d be introducing a band known as Testament. Again, very spiritual. They do a lot with history, particularly the plight of disenfranchised groups like Native Americans. I could send you this song called “Trail of Tears” that I’m sure would deeply move Ms. Gore.

Testament - Return To The Apocalyptic City (1993)

Howie: Sounds reasonable. Go ahead and send me the song. Who would she be introducing on Sunday?

Me: I’ll prepare you up front, the next one is going to sound strange, but there is a band known as Rotting Christ…

Howie: Okay…wait..

Me: It’s not what you think. It’s meant to be ironic. They are talking about how people’s faith has rotted away over time and they no longer value the positive parts of the world we live in. They dedicated a whole album to denouncing the treatment of women in Afghanistan. Another of their records deals with the importance of recycling.

Howie: I really don’t know if she’ll go for that. I mean…that’s a little…well…I don’t know…

Me: Okay, let me see what I can do about that. There would be a band that plays traditional Irish music called Celtic Frost that day. Nothing controversial there.  She’ll really enjoy them.  

The headliner would be a band called Burzum. The name is Norwegian for “kindness”. Very positive band. Great message. Varg Vikernes, the fellow who writes all the music, is interested in promoting diversity and tolerance.

kristian-e2809cvarge2809d-vikernes

Howie: Well, this is a pretty intriguing proposal. Of course, I’ll have to get the specific dates, run it by her and get back to you.

Me: Great! I’m really thrilled. She’s always been a hero of mine. Thanks for your time, Howie. Have a blessed afternoon. 

Howie:  Take care.

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Monsanto Creates Genetically Altered Heavy Metal; Nicko McBrain Develops Swollen Udders

Nicko McBrain Udders

Monsanto is a multi-national conglomerate known not only as an environmentally conscious citizen corporation, but a lover of good old-fashioned heavy metal. In the hopes of speeding up the production of heavy metal albums, the company has figured out a way to genetically alter metal musicians in order to reach their peek productive capacity.

According to Monsanto spokesperson Arthur Friendly, “Over the years we’ve seen a drop off in production from metal bands. It used to be that you could expect a band to put out an album every year, but nowadays you’re lucky if a band like Slayer or Iron Maiden put more than two albums per decade out.”

This is why, Monsanto, a corporation on the cutting edge of technology and the development of mutated humans and animals, has spent billions of dollars in research and development in order to a secret process to maximize the productive capability of bands.

Thanks to Monsanto, we can expect eleven Slayer albums, forty-two Testament records, and even seven Pantera LPs featuring a Frankensteinized version Dimebag Darrell in the next year alone. Even prog-death legends Necrophagist will have something out by 2019.

However, there have been a few unplanned side effects of Monsanto’s new process. Iron Maiden drummer Nikko McBrain was unable to play a concert last week in Liverpool when he came down with a case of swollen udders. “It’s hard enough trying to keep up with the rest of the band with one bass pedal. You try hitting the hi-hat with udders swelling out of your chest. Steve told me he’d kick me out of the band if he got squirted one more time with pus infested milk.”

Pantera Vocalist Phil Anselmo Weeks After Being Genetically Modified

Pantera Vocalist Phil Anselmo Weeks After Being Genetically Modified

Drummer mastitis is not the only problem that has come from Monsanto’s bold experiment. Other members of Iron Maiden have has been mutated by the process. Thanks to Monsanto, Bruce Dickinson has developed corn on several parts of his back, Janick Gers has become a giant cockroach and Dave Murray is good looking.

Iron Maiden isn’t the only band that has suffered due to the unintended consequences of science gone mad. Slayer guitarist Kerry King has developed a rare disorder where if he gets wet, tiny Kerry Kings will grow on his body, sprout and run wild, reeking untold mischief and horror on anyone nearby.

Suffocation vocalist Frank Mullen, who recently developed fallopian tubes in his nose as a result of Monsanto, has been an outspoken critic of the genetic modification of heavy metal artists. “When Monsanto came for the milk, I did not speak out. I was not a cow. When Monsanto came for the corn, I remained silent. I was not corn. When they came for heavy metal, there was no one left to speak for me. At least, no one without horns and a tail.”

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Whatever Happened To Nirvana?

Kurt Cobain Today

Kurt Cobain Today

For a short stretch of time in the early 1990s the most important rock band on the planet was Nirvana.  Their 1991 album “Nevermind” shot to the top of the charts and forever changed the face of mainstream music.  Many considered the album’s hit single “Smells Like Teen Spirit” an anthem for a generation.  They followed that success with the multi-platinum selling 1993 album “In Utero”.  Who would have believed that 30 years after the release of that fateful album, Nirvana would be forced to embark on a small club tour in order to help regenerate the lungs of drummer and war hero Dave Grohl?

Things started to go down hill quickly for the band after the success of “In Utero”.  Singer Kurt Cobain struggled with substance abuse and made several failed suicide attempts in 1994.  The band considered breaking up, but soldiered through the difficult times recording the much-heralded 1995 album “Venice Beach”.  While “Venice Beach” was a major critical success, the albums slow pace and “post-grunge” use of only acoustic instruments failed to garner the commercial buzz of the prior two albums.  With Cobain’s health and mental state deteriorating, the band took a year and a half long hiatus.  Bassist Krist Novoselic and Grohl briefly worked on a demo for a side project called The Foo Fighters, while Cobain divorced from Courtney Love and traveled throughout India in the hopes of turning his life around.

Upon Cobain’s return to America in 1997, Novacelic and Grohl abandoned the Foo Fighters project and returned to the studio with Nirvana.  The band attempted to move in a groundbreaking new direction with the 1998 release of “Lost in Olympia”, an album that integrated techno music, polka and bluegrass with Nirvana’s trademark grunge sound.  The album was a complete disaster.  Commonly acknowledged by fans and critics as The Worst Album of the 20th Century, “Lost in Olympia” barely sold 100,000 copies and became a joke within the industry.

Sensing their time had come and gone, the band again took time off from touring and worked on various projects.  Grohl briefly toured with Canadian metal band Voivod before playing on Venom’s 2000 release “Resurrection”. Novoselic started a moderately successful alpaca ranch in Idaho.  Cobain worked for four years on the script for a film adaptation of Sylvia Plath’s novel “The Bell Jar” which he never completed, only to see another version of the film written by Will Smith win the Oscar for Best Picture in 2005.

In 2004, reunion fever swept the music industry in the wake of Guns’N’Roses release of the genre defining rock album “Chinese Democracy”, which is to date the fourth highest selling album in the history of music behind only Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of The Moon” and Testament’s “Dark Roots of Earth”.  Once popular bands like Stone Temple Pilots, Green Jell-O and Nirvana got back in the studio in hopes of capitalizing on the wave of retro-nostalgia.  Unfortunately for Nirvana, success continued to elude them and their 2005 heavily “Nevermind” influenced album “Fuzz Knuckle” was considered dead on arrival, barely even receiving airplay on college radio.

Nirvana worked sparingly throughout the next eleven years, appearing briefly on a Limp Bizkit tribute album, writing a jingle for an Arby’s commercial, and opening for pop superstar Kylie Minogue on the Asian leg of her 2009 tour.  They began several projects that never saw the light of day, including a depression-ridden Christmas album called “A Season in Hell”, but were never able to put out a complete record.  Cobain briefly made news in 2013 with his high-profile six-month marriage to Cher, but quickly faded from the public eye after a nasty divorce.  Cobain became a recluse, putting on 200 pounds and spending his days translating the works of Robert Frost into Arabic.

2016 wasn’t a very good year for most people and Nirvana was no exception.  The Polish invasion of Europe and subsequent limited nuclear war with the United States caused terrible destruction and horror.  Music was the last thing on most people’s minds.  The band barely escaped death as Polish tanks rolled into downtown Tupelo, Mississippi in the winter of that year.  With most of the East Coast either destroyed by nuclear weapons or overrun by Polish soldiers, Nirvana headed to one of the domed cities in Montana in order to survive.

While in Montana, the band joined with other Polish invasion survivors and formed a militia, which eventually retook all of the US mainland and most of Quebec.  Grohl received a medal of distinguished service for his bravery during the Battle of Cleveland in 2019.  However, it was during that battle that the Poles released the debilitating biological weapon that has eaten away at his lungs and left him battling for his life.

Life has returned to normal throughout most of America in 2023.  Music is again a major part of American life.  Cobain and Novoselic have worked tirelessly since the war ended two years ago to raise enough money to bionically regenerate Grohl’s lungs.  With his daughter Francis Bean on drums, Nirvana began a 9-month tour of the cities in the Southwest and on the West Coast that are still functional.  At a concert last week in Provo, Utah (the new Capital of The United States), Grohl briefly returned to the stage using a set of temporary plastic lungs.  The band’s encore of “Come As You Are” sent the 100 or so spectators into fits of wild cheering and screaming.  Just for a moment, it felt like 1991 again.

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Drexel, Seton Hall, Cannibal Corpse Snubbed By NCAA Tournament Selection Committee

For three groups of committed young men, their dreams of a national championship ended before the tournament even got started.  Bubbles burst for Drexel University, Seton Hall and Cannibal Corpse during Sunday night’s selection show.  Drexel, who went 27 and 6 and 16 and 2 in the always-tough Colonial Athletic Association, had a great regular season but lost to VCU in their conference tournament.  Seton Hall, who racked up 20 wins in the Big East and had an RPI of 54, got bumped after an uninspiring stretch run that featured losses to DePaul and Rutgers.

The most surprising omission from the field was famed death metal band Cannibal Corpse.  Corpse, who won a band record 28 regular season games and had an RPI of 19, seemed a shoe-in, but a loss in the Horizon League conference tournament finals to Detroit-Mercy seemed to cloud the picture.  However, with out of conference wins against Indiana, Michigan State and Testament, few people expected Cannibal Corpse to be on the outside looking in.

The NCAA Selection Committee, which is often tight-lipped about why they picked one team over another, was far from quiet about their exclusion of Cannibal Corpse.  “Those guys are animals,” said committee spokesman Michael Newton.  “We like to reward teams for good sportsmanship.  Beheading the cheerleaders from Cleveland State and mounting the heads on sticks in front of the arena is not the sort of thing that we at the NCAA condone.”

The Cleveland Beheadings were only one event in a season of turmoil for Cannibal Corpse.  Point guard Alex Webster was suspended for two games early in the season for removing and chewing the spleen of Butler forward Roosevelt Jones.  Forward Paul Mazurkiewicz is currently banned from ever playing basketball in the state of Pennsylvania again for gouging out the eyes of the entire starting Bucknell basketball team and making a necklace out of them.  NCAA President Mark Emmert went a step further saying, “Not only should not be in the NCAA tournament, the lot of them should probably be awaiting appeal on death row.”

The band had planned the release of their excellent new album “Torture” on March 13th to coincide with the first round of the tournament. Cannibal Corpse had been considered filing suit against the NCAA for excluding them from the tournament based on their character.  “There have been teams of guys just as bad as us who have won National Championships.  Ever heard of UNLV?”  said irate center George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher.  However, Fisher quickly dropped the idea of a suit when he realized it might cut into the 567 consecutive hours of World of Warcraft he is planning on playing in April.

(Thanks to Shawn Von Deathmetal from Universe Number Five for inspiring this fantastic piece of Pulitzer worthy journalism)

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