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Putin to Obama – ‘Swedish Metal Is Superior’

 

13262186_1077783205596130_217993753_oRussian President Vladimir Putin responded to Barack Obama’s public comments about Finnish Metal bands last Friday, calling the outgoing President “a wimp” and “a poser”.

“Please don’t misunderstand me,” said Putin at the end of last week’s EU Summit, “Finnish metal is truly great, particularly its amazing death metal scene, but for Obama to bring it up like that in front of the President of Finland is so lame. He knows, dude! He’s from there!”

When asked to clarify his remarks, the President snorted and said, “Like he’s ever heard Privilege of Evil. And it’s so clear he was just trying to look cool because he didn’t say anything about Swedish Metal when he was addressing [Swedish Prime Minister] Stefan Lofven! How could he not bring that up?”

Putin went on to characterize Obama as “a tryhard, one who would get a denim vest and then buy all the patches for it at the same time on eBay”.

The Russian head of state also continued to blast Obama’s ignorance to the importance of Swedish Metal. “Left Hand Path – Scandinavia might not even have a underground scene without that album. It’s so crucial, and that little wannabe blew his chance to tell the world about it! He doesn’t know. He wasn’t there. What, did he hear one of his kids play a Finntroll album and decided he knew something?”

After an additional ten minutes of listing Swedish Metal gems that “America’s Poser President” has certainly never heard of, including Dark Recollections and Under the Sign of the Black Mark, Putin paused and added, “But you know what? It’s better that he doesn’t know. I’d hate for him to find his way to the good stuff and then act like he invented it or something. Oh God, can you imagine if he started turning out to all the shows? That would drive me nuts.”

At this point Putin excused himself, inserting a cassette labeled “TREBLINKA” into his Sony Walkman as he headed towards the reception hall.

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Bowie Knife To Be Renamed Bowie Knife In Honor of Dead Musician

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Fans of art-rocker David Bowie rejoiced as the Daughters of the Republic of Texas announced that the famed Bowie knife would be renamed the Bowie knife in honor of the recently departed British musician.

DRT President Madeline Crockett held a press conference today in San Antonio at the entrance to the Alamo, which is where the original knife remains on display. “David Bowie was beloved by millions of people around the globe,” she said, “and even though he wasn’t a Texan, we felt it was important to commemorate his passing in a meaningful way”.

The famous blade was named for its creator Jim Bowie, who used it in several instances of combat, most notably in defending the Alamo in 1836 against the Mexican army in a bid to maintain Texas independence. Bowie died in the conflict alongside other notable figures, including William B. Travis and the renowned Davy Crockett. The Battle of the Alamo was a pivotal event in the Texas Revolution, and the efforts of Commander Bowie and his men allowed Texas to become a republic and eventually be incorporated in the United States as it is known today.

“With its new name, the Bowie knife will begin a new era of recognition,” continued Ms. Crockett, “and when future generations look upon it, they will think of an androgynous British man who wrote songs about dancing, Asian women, and gay astronauts.”

At press time, the DRT has announced additional plans to rededicate the cenotaph in front of the Alamo to Ozzy Osbourne.

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Trump Defends Action Bronson; Rips Ghostface Killah

Donald Trump

Presidential candidate Donald Trump might be a stranger to rap music, but he is no stranger to controversy. That’s why few were surprised that Trump has gotten himself involved in the heated feud between rap icon Ghostface Killah and Action Bronson.

At a speech sponsored by the Georgia branch of the John Birch Society, Trump leapt to the defense of Bronson. “One of the most important cultural figures in America today is Action Bronson. I’ll never forget when I first saw the movie ‘Death Wish’ back in the 1970s. I thought to myself, ‘There is a man that understands how the justice system in America should work!’”

Trump went on to praise Bronson’s war record. “Not only did he serve heroically under the brilliant military mind of Lee Marvin, he fought side-by-side with great Americans like Ernest Borgnine and George Kennedy during what many thought would be a suicide mission against Nazi forces in World War 2.”

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He was inspired to get involved in this rap battle after seeing a Bronson’s picture on the news yesterday. “He looks awful. He’s gained weight. He looks like he hasn’t shaved or bathed in months. He could be selling pencils at the airport. The so-called ‘Ghostface Killah’ should not talk about a great American the way he has.”

Trump took umbrage with Ghostface’s Youtube rant against Bronson calling it “tasteless”.

“I watched your little Youtube program yesterday, Ghostface. Listened to you make shameful and tasteless remarks with the beautiful music of Teddy Pendergrass playing behind you.  If Teddy were here today, Ghostface, he’d have stood up and knocked some sense into you.”

Trump even made veiled threats against the rapper to the delight of the crowd. “If I become President, I’ll have at my disposal thousands of people willing to do disappearing acts for me. How’s the CIA for starters, Ghostface?”

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He finished by taunting the rapper to thunderous applause from the crowd. “I went to one of his shows once because someone told me Tony Stark was playing. When I saw it wasn’t Robert Downey Jr. flying  around in a metal suit, blowing things up, I left.”

“People say he’s a New York rapper. I’m from New York. He’s from Staten Island. Do you know what we call Staten Island in New York, Ghostface? New Jersey!”

“Where’s your “Art of The Deal”, Ghostface? Where’s your casinos? Where’s your reality TV show? Where’s your plaque in the WWE Hall of Fame? “

Ghostface Killah has yet to comment on Trump’s scathing attack.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Are Aliens Abducting Heavy Metal Fans?

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Three more public officials today denounced a new sub-genre of heavy metal growing in popularity amid recent widespread media attention. Known by fans as aliencore, the newest addition to the already saturated landscape of extreme music has been both praised and scorned by fans and critics alike. Now, some government authorities are calling for an outright ban of the music over allegations that it may be dangerous to its listeners.

The emergence of aliencore was first reported by music writer Budd Hopkins in an April 8th New York Times article. Investigating an increase in the number of missing persons cases among heavy metal fans, Hopkins inadvertently discovered an unusually high influx of new metal bands fronted by undocumented immigrants. Hopkins coined the term “aliencore” to refer to the new sub-genre created by these bands. Described by noted heavy metal documentarian Stanton Friedman as a cross between death metal and the drone of honeybees, aliencore has since garnered major radio airplay across the country and several bands have performed to national televised audiences.

The Times article references several of the more popular aliencore bands. In an interview with the founder of a group calling themselves Rings of Uranus, Hopkins quotes the musician as saying that he and his bandmates come from a small Italian town called Zeta Reticuli and, among other enigmatic statements, that he formed his band “around the time of the dawn of human civilization.”

The drummer of a band called Children of Kecksburg spoke to Hopkins about the artistic influences of the new aliencore movement. “It runs the gamut,” said the drummer. “Everything from 1950s-era civil defense films to cosmology and astrophysics to Whitley Strieber books.”

The members of another aliencore band called Hypnotic Regression seemed to imply that their music had an altruistic objective. “The mission of our band is to serve man.”

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Despite the growing popularity of the sub-genre, several critical reviews have appeared. Phillip Klass, in a Rolling Stone review of a new album called The Drake Equation, referred to songs like Intergalactic Border Crossing and Paradoxical Paranoiac Probing as “nonsensical drivel.”

But the real controversy over the music stems from a report in the May edition of Scientific American that cited a connection between aliencore music and the disappearance of at least 750 self-described metalheads around the world. According to numerous local police sources, all of the missing people had attended a performance by an aliencore band only hours before their disappearances. While authorities continue to investigate, this circumstantial evidence has led several politicians and community leaders to call for the cancellation of all scheduled aliencore performances in their jurisdictions until a full investigation can be concluded.

Kenny Lofton, police chief of Gulf Breeze, Florida, held a hastily scheduled news conference this morning to announce the disappearance of at least 15 concertgoers from a performance by the band Sacred Hive the previous night. “We’re taking this extremely seriously,” said Chief Lofton. “Until further notice, I’ve issued a townwide prohibition against any further performances of this so-called aliencore music.”

At the same time, aliencore fans are expressing their support for the right of the bands to perform. Barney Hill of Rachel, Nevada, told CNN that be believes the disappearances have been blown out of proportion. “So what if a couple of dirtbags down in Kingman, Arizona, didn’t come home after an aliencore show last weekend? They probably got stoned and went camping or something. This is about free speech.”

In Europe, heavy metal fans have been as outspoken as their freedom-minded American counterparts. Herb Wells of Woking, England, was quoted by Sky News as saying that he fully supports the “right of these bands to perform. It’s the same thing every couple of years. Some group of parents or politicians wants to censor this kind of music.”

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But in Aurora, Texas, Mayor Andy Van Slyke today ordered the destruction of all aliencore records from the local Sam Goody and Tower Records stores following the disappearance of three teenagers from a concert last week. “We’re fully cooperating with state and federal authorities,” said Mayor Van Slyke, “but in light of the many published reports concerning the possible connection between this music and the recent disappearances, we can’t risk any more of our children going missing.”

In recent days, several aliencore bands have gone on the record to defend their music. During an interview on MSNBC, Fhru Glarmorkiop, the bass player for a band called Fgoppreasewwmoarcqert, said “Yuydjh duirttyuu op rertnyopriy morkeeportuni nerlio.”

He went on to inform viewers that his band will defy any performance or recording bans and still plans to enter the studio next month to record its debut album, As the Wormhole Turns. The album, said Glarmorkiop, will feature a song played entirely in binary, called 001101000100100111010100, and include an aliencore cover of the Megadeth classic Hangar 18.

However, in the most stunning development of this unfolding story, an aliencore band called Hydrocephahic Hybrid may have admitted that a sinister connection does indeed exist between the music and the missing persons cases.

On a segment of the O’Reilly Factor on Fox News last night, the band’s lead vocalist told host Bill O’Reilly that aliencore bands have been abducting their fans since late last year. “Look, we’ve been doing it the old-fashioned way for far too long now,” said the singer. “It’s tedious. You have to fly down during the middle of the night, shine some bright lights through the windows, float them out the door… We were hanging around one night and we realized it would be easier to get them to come to us. Your average heavy metal fan isn’t exactly the smartest knife in the cutlery rack, if you know what I mean. So a bunch of us formed metal bands and started playing shows and the next thing you know we’ve already met our quota for the year.”

Despite the growing sense of alarm, Hydrocephalic Hybrid will embark next week on a three-month tour of Midwest wheat fields and trailer parks in support of San Diego-based deathgrind band Cattle Decapitation.

(Dirty Dave on The FM is a special investigative reporter for Tyranny of Tradition.  Hours after he filed this report his office was ransacked and he went missing.  If you have seen Dirty Dave please contact the Tyranny of Tradition offices as soon as possible)

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To Compete With Google’s “Unsend”, Apple Unveils Innovative ”Unlisten”

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While many may have been taken aback by the recent news that Apple’s new streaming service “Apple Music” will not be paying its artists during its three-month pilot period, and shocked by the announcement that they’ll now be paying artists a voucher for a free Denny’s Grand Slam per 10 million streams, and were perhaps even more uproarious about the more recent announcement that the 500 least-streamed artists on this platform will be hunted and killed by Apple’s patented T-800 robots at the end of the three-month trial, even those with the most disdain for the multi-billion dollar monolith were on their knees in worship at the reveal of their newest feature, the memory-wiping “Unlisten”.

Inspired by Google’s new feature, “Unsend”, which allows users to recant emails after sending them, Apple Unlisten’s open beta launched last Sunday, June 21st. Those who sign up for the “Unlisten” open beta will have access to an extensive database of every single song and artist they’ve ever listened to in their life, and, at the click of a mouse, users will have the ability to have any song they’ve ever listened to wiped from their memory, erasing any catchy lyrics, instrumentation, and fondest childhood memories of the dear friend that turned them onto the song that may still be lingering in their head.

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“We thought it’d be a great idea,” Apple Music CEO Craig Jonas said in a press release. “One of my colleagues came into the office one day and said, ‘Man, did you hear that new Shinedown single? Man, what I wouldn’t give to unlisten to that monstrosity.’ We just stared at each other in amazement at the idea we had just birthed.”

“While we probably shouldn’t be surprised by how easily our users have been willing to give up their social security number, credit card information, name of their hometown, brain scans, and a strand of their hair for us to be able to acquire this information about them, like damn, just how much do these people trust us?”

Listeners have voiced their unanimous excitement at this innovative new feature.

“I think it’ll come in handy,” says Andy Johnston, 20. “Now the next time one of my douche friends links me the latest Rebecca Black song on my Facebook timeline, I can know that I can listen to it without being left with battle scars.”

“I’m absolutely thrilled,” Mark “The Bloodied” James, 27, told us in between his daily animal sacrifices. “Now all my fellow metalhead friends can’t shame me for liking that latest Charli XCX album, because now thanks to Unlisten, I can just forget that that album ever existed.”

We recently reached out to Mark again for further comment after testing Apple Unlisten, and his paranoid, stammered-out response simply went, “Who are you? Who am I? What have you done to me?”

(contributed by guest correspondent Jess Casebeer from Northwest Music Scene)

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Islamic Terrorist Group Sodom Banned From Traveling To U.S. For Maryland Deathfest

The New Axis of Evil?

The New Axis of Evil?

The State Department has refused to officially comment on a recent report that Islamofascist group Sodom was not issued visas in order to perform at this weekend’s Maryland Deathfest. However, senior sources with in the Office of Homeland Security have confirmed, off-the-record, that a visit to war-torn Baltimore by the band could lead to an outbreak of evil on a scale unrivaled in this nations history.

One unnamed official pointed out that the band has embraced a form of justice more menacing then even the Sharia Law practiced by ISIS. “We’ve seen reports that these doers of evil are so obsessed by cruelty that they have advocated a legal system based solely upon “The Saw”. The song “The Saw is The Law” is a manifesto encouraging the abandonment of democracy and the rule of law. Instead, these destroyers of civilization want to rule through the use of a violent tool INVENTED BY EGYPTIANS!”

“The saw is a simple tool that can be assembled by one terrorist alone in his basement. You could make one for less than the cost of a cup of coffee. However, when used correctly, a group of terrorist with saws could be responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of unarmed, innocent Americans.”

Angelripper Holding a Weapon of Mass Destrcution

Angelripper Holding a Weapon of Mass Destrcution

Another concern voiced by officials connected to Sodom’s banishment from America site their frequent references to weapons of mass destruction in their songs. According to top ranking military intelligence officer, “Sodom consistently encourages their fans to use Agent Orange and Napalm. Granted, they only advocate the use of napalm in the morning, but nonetheless, this Group of Three has displayed wanton disregard for the safety of Americans with their irresponsible lyrics.”

“Can you imagine what would happen if the groups shadowy leader Thomas Angelripper, a man who has talked frequently at his concerts about having a “Nuclear Winter”, was able to sneak a nuclear warhead into his carryon bag? One word….Genocide.”

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Metal Scientists Successfully Create Rainbow in Dark

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On the fifth anniversary of singer Ronnie James Dio’s passing, metalhead scientists at MIT have announced they have successfully created a rainbow in the dark.

“What was once just a cryptic metaphor is now a scientific reality,” said Chief Physicist Dr. Jim Durkin in a prepared statement, “Until now, rainbows were only possible with the presence of ultraviolet light. In this setting, we have been able to generate a rainbow in a completely dark room with its refraction as the sole source of illumination. This could pave the way to other discoveries like cold fusion.”

As of now, the potential of this new technology remain to be seen. Some researchers have suggested it could prevent people from being brought down by lightning or being left on their own, but most experts agree that its proper applications remain elusive.

“What we’re looking at here is an image caught in time,” said Dr. Wolf Hoffmann, MIT Laser Sciences Director, “when I consider the possibilities of this incredible find, it leaves me virtually speechless, like words without a rhyme.”

A symposium on the significance and meaning of a rainbow in the dark will be held this fall at the National Science Foundation in Washington, DC. Prominent physicists and engineers from all over the globe have already announced plans to attend.

At press time, a team of nautical engineers at Stanford University have announced their intention to design and build a Holy Diver, as soon as they figure out what the hell that is.

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