Posts Tagged barack obama
(I found this article pinned to my front door this morning. It was written by Tyranny of Tradition columnist Jonathan Winthrop. Winthrop, founder of Conservatives Against Carbohydrates, is a former syndicated talk radio host, proud father and great American)
Over the last 7 years, while many in the media have speculated about Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s ties to Marxists terrorist groups like Boko Haram and the Democratic Party, there have been very few bits of evidence directly linking him. Because the state controls nearly all media outlets, any bit of information that might out this traitor have been kept secret or pitched down the memory hole. The Devil is both clever and cunning. And yet, somehow, irrefutable evidence of this man’s treachery is finally in our hands.
Who do we have to thank? Who are our modern day Woodfin and Bernbaum? Surprisingly, it’s the folks at ESPN.
When the President released his so-called “NCAA bracket” yesterday, there was a stunning selection made in the first round. In the 8 vs. 9 game, President Obama selected San Diego State to defeat St. John’s. At first glance, this is a relatively uncontroversial selection. St. John’s has had a poor last month, punctuated by a 37-point pummeling at the hands of Villanova. Beyond D’Angelo Harrison and Sir Dominic Pointer, scoring has been hard to come by for the Red Storm. San Diego St., meanwhile, is one of the toughest defensive squads in the country.
Upon further examination however, the TRUTH is far more terrifying. Most college sports fans when filling out their bracket and picking a state school will use the abbreviation “St.” Michigan State is commonly abbreviated Mich. St., Arizona State goes by Arizona St. Occasionally, you might get a rare person who might not abbreviate the schools name and write out “Mississippi State”.
When you look closely at the President’s bracket, a terrible truth emerges. While he refers schools like Wichita St., NC St., Ohio St. and Iowa State using commonly accepted abbreviations or their full formal name, the way he chooses to indicate his pick of San Diego State is something straight out of The Manchurian Candidate.
President Barack HUSSEIN Obama picks S.D.S. to defeat St. John’s. Let me just let that sink in for a moment. S…..D….S….!!!!
Students of history immediately will recognize the reference. Yes…SDS. Students for a (Suppposed) Democratic Society, the 1960s radical Marxist jihadist group responsible unspeakable acts of terrorism and debauchery so unspeakable that, fearing younger readers might come across this article, I will not mention them. They eventually became an even more horrible terrorist group called The Weather Underground responsible for many terrorist acts including bombing a bathroom in the Pentagon!
Who was the leader of this group? None other than 1960s radical Bill Withers. Withers and his wife Bernadette Peters masterminded millions of attacks against the United States which crippled the government and led to the resignation of President Richard Nixon. Withers, along with Satanic jihadist Sal Alinsky, found Obama at a local Chicago methadone clinic and convinced him to run for President. The rest is history.
What does this cryptic S.D.S. reference by the President mean? The answer, I believe, is a symbolic code. An unnamed source indicated to me in a dream last night that, at some point this weekend, an army of SDS created jihadi robot Marxists will release a deadly swarm of bees into several arenas. They have been waiting years for this cue. Now that they have received it from Mr. Hussein-Obama there is no turning back. My source would not tell me exactly where and when this will happen, only that now that the cat is out of Pandora’s box, there is no going back.
Don’t believe me? Look at the bracket! It’s there in black and white. It is indisputable, ironclad proof of the treason that lives in this man’s dark heart. I call on the members of Congress that have not been bought off by the Vladimir Putin and his band of merry Islamic Bolsheviks to investigate this as soon as possible in order to prevent one of the greatest catastrophes in the history of this great nation. Before it is too late!
In a sign of President Barack Obama’s increased isolation and mental instability, he announced yesterday that Kiss frontman and star of the Oscar nominated Rutger Hauer film “Wanted: Dead or Alive” will take over the position of Surgeon General vacated by Regina Benjamin early last year. The appointment comes days after his appointment of Poison drummer Rikki Rockett to the position of Attorney General.
Conservative leader Ted Cruz responded to the appointments by claiming Obama was part of a vast left-wing conspiracy to turn the United States from “capitalism to glam-unism”.
Sources close to the President have voiced concern about his recent schizotypal fixation with Kiss. His bizarre appearance at a recent fundraiser for Georgia Senatorial candidate Michelle Nunn while dressed in Peter Criss kitten makeup has been cited as a sign of his mental deterioration. While rumors earlier this week that he planned on naming Ace Frehley head of the Joint Chiefs’ of Staff because of his work with the Kiss Army were unfounded, many pundits have speculated that Obama is nearing a “complete break with reality”.
Obama, who recently endorsed a horse named “Love Gun” in the race for Republican Pat Roberts’ Senate seat in Kansas, has been seen wandering the hallways of the White House during the middle of the night while singing songs off of the 1984 Kiss album “Animalize”.
Although the Simmons decision has called into question Obama’s sanity, some experts believe that this move is actually a stroke of genius. Former Surgeon General C. Everrett Koop rose from his grave on Sunday morning to endorse Simmons as “America’s only hope to stop the spread of Ebola”.
Other commentators have noted that while the decision is reminiscent of the final days of Caligula’s reign in Rome, the nomination of Simmons was meant to be an olive branch to Republicans. Simmons has all the marks of a politician acceptable to today’s Republican Party. His unfailing narcissism, ability to grab headlines by saying things that are meant to provoke the public into drooling fits of rage and general lack of knowledge of how government actually functions are all thought to be positive traits among rank-in-file conservatives.
Simmons, who was recently named to Rolling Stone’s list of the greatest living average bass players, immediately accepted the position in an interview on Fox News minutes after his phone call from the President.
According to Simmons, “If my knowledge of infectious disease has kept me clean after 460,000 intimate relationships with the opposite sex, I think I may be the guy you want to talk to when an outbreak rocks the nation.”
Simmons, who has been dubbed “The God of Plunder” by several media outlets, announced the “Kiss Ebola Goodbye Initiative” during the interview. The program will involve the government purchasing 1.4 billion dollars worth of Kiss merchandise along with all of the remaining issues of Gene’s short-lived men’s lifestyle magazine “Tongue” in order to help curb the outbreak of the deadly disease.
In America today, guns are often confused as a symbol of masculinity and power. This misconception has been brought about through years of exposure to media images of powerful men with guns defeating Native Americans, Russians, Terrorists, and Orcs. People in this demented nation of ours spend millions upon millions of dollars a year that could actually be used to improve the lot of themselves and those around them in the faint hopes of appearing to be what they are not. But that is beside the point, because I’m not talking to them….I’m talking to you.
Yeah…you. Sitting there on your couch reading this right now. Not somebody else. Not the other guy. Don’t sit there thinking this is some abstract, philosophical exercise that you can remove yourself from while you sit back in judgment of some fictional, moronic cross-section of the American public. It’s not. I’m talking to you. Directly. I can see behind the absurd little lies you tell yourself in order help avoid the painful truth that you are the guy on the beach who gets sand kicked in his face by people like me. The reason you own a gun is because you are a weakling.
Sure, I’ve heard all of your arguments. “The Second Amendment says that I have the right to carry a gun.” You are hiding behind some document that some dudes in wigs wrote 2000 years ago. Everybody who owns a gun is a constitutional lawyer (except when it comes to, you know, the other 26 Amendments). Do you know how utterly hysterical it is to watch you switch from doing your Stallone impression to pretending to be James Madison? “Yeah, I’m a tough guy, but I got smarts too!” (read that last part in your best Fredo Coreleone voice) Put down your law books and we can see what’s up, Tough Guy.
“But, it’s just for hunting.” Sure. You bought that military grade A4 assault rifle that fires 80,000 rounds per second at Walmart so that you can stop a deer from trying to get away. Ah….yeah…that’s it. The truth is, you bought it because you know that if it ever came down to it, I would beat you like a rented mule. That little survivalist fantasy you keep conjuring up in your mind is simply a distraction from the simple truth that you are afraid to catch a beating from me.
I look at Wayne LaPierre, the little geek who runs the NRA, and my first thought is, “wouldn’t it be fun to push his face into a vat of french fry oil at my neighborhood McDonald’s”. If I had that guy in a room for 15 seconds, I’d have him singing the Soviet National Anthem and screaming “Obama in 2016”. Another one of those pasty, bloated old guys who think that having the ability to shoot up a room full of strangers makes people forget that he looks like 140 pounds of whimpering, soft serve ice cream. I’m right here, Tough Guy. Anytime you want. As much of a cowering little baby that LaPierre is, he’s not even half as sad as you are.
“Oh, but I need it to protect my family.” Way to hide behind your children, Ace. See, I’m not a threat to your family. Just you. You are scared that I’m going to drag you through the town square from the back of my Lincoln while all the kids laugh and throw rocks. The sheer volume of humiliation that I would heap upon you is why you’re up at 3 o’clock in the morning trying to figure out if it is legal in your state to own a bazooka.
“But, Obama is coming to get us!” Do you see how silly you sound? All these movies you watch cater to this depressing little fantasy that you are so powerful and cunning that the government actually cares about anything you do. Obama doesn’t care whether you have a gun or not. As a matter of fact, Obama doesn’t care about you at all. He lives in some insulated bubble in Washington, surrounded by hundreds of Secret Service agents, old rich people and really good chefs. Are you really so deluded as to believe that Obama would take a second out of his day to punish some coward sitting behind a computer keyboard typing nasty things about the Kardashian sisters on a Facebook thread? Obama is not your problem…I am.
Your little comedy act is over. Just remember, the next time you buy that copy of Guns and Ammo at the newsstand in order to show what a big man you are, I’ll be there. The next time you swagger out to the range to go kill a bunch of cardboard cutouts of Bin Laden, I’ll be there. And when you are sitting around the locker room pretending to be Mr. Expert, bragging to the fellas with all those fancy expressions like “muzzle breaks and recoil compensators”, so proud of yourself that you used the word “aught” in a sentence, I’ll be there too.
No matter how much you spend on weapons, no matter how many times you practice that thing that Clint Eastwood does with the side of his mouth in the mirror, no matter how many tough talking, pro-violence idiot politicians you support, you can’t avoid me. Don’t you see….I’m inside of you.
On the eve of this years’ Democratic National Convention, President Barack Obama is facing tough criticism from death metal legends Carcass. Obama, who regularly uses the splatter-grind classic “Regurgitation of Giblets” as intro music before his speeches, was asked to “cease and desist” from using the song until his policies match “the spirit in which the song was intended.”
According to Carcass singer Jeff Walker, “Regurgitation” was meant “to address the deeper themes of dehumanization in the work place, consumer alienation and the effects of modernity on the human form.” Guitarist Bill Steer reiterated Walker’s statement and added, “The song certainly wasn’t meant to help elect the President of the United States, a nation that is, after all, the largest dehumanizing, alienating force in the history of organized society.”
Obama, a die-hard Carcass fan, had been using the song to contrast the campaign’s message of stability and progress with the Republican themes of blind panic and race-baiting. He has even managed to use lines from it in a campaign speech in Dubuque, Iowa last month. “Romney’s America is one where the average American will be spewing up his or her collective sanguined guts into a wooden box. I ask you, do you want to be trapped in that type of sarcophagus? Is that the sarcophagus we want for our children?”
In deference to Carcass, the Obama campaign will no longer be using the song. They have decided to switch to either Clinton era favorite “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac or “Epitaph of the Credulous” by Suffocation. However, the campaign plans to keep distributing the 30,000 Carcass themed “Festerday In America” pro-Obama tee-shirts that they have been handing to supporters at campaign rallies.
This is not the first time that an American political campaign has run into trouble over the use of a song. Back in 1984, Bruce Springsteen strongly objected to Ronald Reagan’s use of “Born in the USA” as a campaign anthem. In 1840, the band Cattle Decapitation went to court to stop William Henry Harrison from using the song “I Eat Your Skin” in several television commercials.
Occasionally, however, metal bands lend their support to help a campaign. In 2000, metal godfathers Death re-recorded their first album under the new title of “Scream Albert Gore”, in order to support the Democratic Presidential candidate. While Gore did not become President, the album was credited with helping him win the hotly contested State of Florida in his campaign against George W Bush.
In a move aimed at making Americans forget the achievements and contributions of former Black Sabbath drummer Bill Ward, President Barack Obama has taken the unique step of having his likeness removed from Mount Rushmore. Ward had been on the monument between Roosevelt and Lincoln since 1978.
The de-Wardization of Mount Rushmore comes at the end of a traumatic week for Ward, who has seen his image removed from the moon landing picture, the painting of Washington crossing the Potomac and even the website of his former bandmates Black Sabbath. Ward has remained mostly silent on the matter, but many insiders believe that there is an ongoing conspiracy in place to make the American public forget that Bill Ward ever existed.
Ward’s contributions to America are nearly unmatched. Who invented penicillin? Ward. Who was the first person in space? Ward. Who was the 23rd President of the United States? Ward. What President made the treaty with aliens from the Uhreih Galaxy and began a period of unmatched peace and prosperity? Ward. Who eliminated the use of anti-matter death rays? Ward. Who infiltrated Satan’s dark underworld and ended his grip on the souls of all mankind? Ward.
However, if you asked most Americans, they wouldn’t even know these significant events had taken place. A few might remember he was the drummer from Black Sabbath and little else.
Obama’s decision to wipe out the final link to Ward runs deeper than most people even know. The Obama administration has taken the rare step of removing all mentions of Ward from history as well as any pictures or paintings. They have even gone so far as to remove him from his own baby pictures.
When asked for comment about the matter in a press conference on Friday Obama remarked “Bill Who? I’m not aware of the person you are speaking of. Wasn’t he a drummer or something?”
Black Sabbath have also denied knowledge of the existence of Ward. Their official website now claims that Vinny Appice played drums on all of their early records. Singer Ozzy Osboune claims he knew an auto mechanic named Bob Ward once back in Yorkshire, but hasn’t spoken to him in 30 years. The rest of the band have denied even knowing that a person with the last name Ward has ever walked the earth.
No one seems to know why Ward’s existence is being hidden from the human race. It is impossible to get an answer from anyone because the minute Ward’s name is mentioned, people who should have known him for years pretend they don’t know what you are talking about. Even his children now deny he existed.
The sudden disappearance of Ward’s image has led many to speculate that sinister plans are being made to completely eliminate Ward from the minds of people. Known conspiracy theorist and Ron Paul for President National Spokesman Art Bremer claims that the U.S. government is currently in development of a biological weapon that, once released, will wipe out all memory of Bill Ward.
Update: I wrote this article last night, but for some reason I can’t remember who this “Bill Ward” person is. I fell asleep at my keyboard and woke up with some strange story about a guy I’ve never heard of and all of his amazing achievements along with a terrible headache. I think he might have been a character I made up or something like that. Everyone knows that Vinny Appice was Black Sabbath’s first drummer and Benjamin Harrison was America’s 23rdPresident.