Posts Tagged Burzum
In the early hours of the morning on Saturday, black metal legend and media icon Varg Vikernes was arrested by French police on suspicion of being the mastermind of a devious plot to cause mayhem in France. Vikernes, who was staying at L’Hotel Aisselle in Paris, purchased a bag of oranges and flushed one down the hotel’s toilet “in the name of Odin”. The event, which led to Vikernes’ arrest and incarceration, caused him to be immediately suspended as host of the top rated Norwegian children’s television show “This Little Quisling”.
By flushing the oranges, Varg hoped to destroy the hotel’s plumbing causing untold confusion and panic in the city, eventually leading to the collapse of the French government. In the ensuing chaos, the government would be replaced by a proto-fascist black metal dictatorship. After the first orange was flushed, Vikernes was captured by an alert member of the hotel’s maintenance staff and detained until French police arrived. During a 47-hour interrogation, Vikernes revealed he was planning an orange flushing spree throughout the city of Paris that would “rival the German invasion of France in the 1950’s”.
Vikernes is no stranger to controversy. Back in 1992, he was arrested in Trondheim for feeding seagulls Alka-Seltzer in an attempt to cause them to explode. During a 1993 sleepover, Varg was accused of putting warm water in Mayhem vocalist Attila Csihar’s hand in an attempt to cause him to wet his bed. Charges in both cases were dropped for lack of evidence, but in 1994, Varg was given six months in prison for putting a whoopee cushion on the chair of Trondheim mayor Marvin Wiseth’s chair during a press conference moments before he sat down.
While in prison, Vikernes dreamed up the musical project he’d be best known for, Burzum. Using a diabolical mixture of raw black metal and elevator music, Vikernes’ has inspired a generation of talented, potentially employable young people to pursue careers in creating poorly produced, inaudible music for almost no one. His music, which is both deeply personal and horribly unlistenable (much like the poetry of an alienated, disaffected 6th grader), pays homage to Varg’s two greatest influences, Adolf Hitler and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
The threat of oranges being flushed down the toilet is not only considered a major concern in France. In an effort to protect Americans from dangerous orange flushing related activities, the US government today banned all oranges from domestic and international flights, wiretapped the phones of twelve Carmelite nuns in Arizona suspected of “orange-growing activities” and used drones to attack a village in Pakistan.
Father Dyer spends the better part of an hour trying to convince you to change the plan and ambush Benton, but you know better. Benton is telepathic and would know you were coming. You lie down on the bed and take a nap. In your dreams, you are sitting in a Wendy’s talking to the ghosts of Hoffman brothers, guitarists whose souls were eaten by Benton during a concert in 2004. They are both drinking Frostees. Brian’s is chocolate, while Eric’s is blood flavored. They warn you to go home. Benton is too powerful. He will destroy you. He is the ultimate form of evil. You will not survive.
You wake up in a cold sweat and a feeling of looming disaster in your throat. Father Dyer is nervously pacing back and forth. He tells you he also took a nap and also had a dream about two Brothers. They were warning him to turn back while drinking Frostees. You chalk it up to coincidence and get dressed for the concert.
You arrive at the show four hours late, just in time for Deicide to begin their set. Benton seems to not notice you, but the fact that the guy you are with is dressed as a priest draws the attention of several members of the crowd. They are slightly amused thinking that Father Dyer is trying to be ironic, but quickly go back to their beverages. As the music begins to play, the two of you inch closer to the stage.
During the middle of “Dead By Dawn”, Benton finally notices you. He has read your mind and knows why you are there. He quickly turns the crowd into man-eating zombies. You kick and punch the zombies away and jump onto the stage. Father Dyer is not so lucky. He is eaten by two overweight gentlemen in Immolation tee-shirts.
Benton is startled. He was certain that the zombies would stop you. This is the perfect time to attack. However, you do not have Father Dyer’s case which contains the Rites of Exorcism. A zombie with a Burzum shirt on is trying to eat it. Then, the zombie begins to repeatedly hit himself in the face with the case. You’re not even quite sure the Burzum fan is a zombie. This is actually pretty reasonable behavior from someone who listens to Burzum. If you do not have the Rites of Exorcism, you’ll have to behead Benton in order to release the demon.
After his recent release from prison for the murder of Mayhem frontman Euronymous, Varg Vikernes seemed to be saying all the right things. He was going to retire to a quiet life where he would write music for his band Burzum and work patiently in his garden on his prized daffodils.
He had become a devout reader of Nicholas Sparks novels, particularly “The Notebook” which he called “the most bittersweet, poignant tale of young love he had ever encountered”. He had bought a farm just north of Trondheim where he planned to work with sick goats and even open a petting zoo for young children.
People had thought that the bizarre, horrifying saga of Varg was finally coming to a quiet end. They were wrong.
Last Wednesday, Varg sent a letter to the Sandefjord Daily Examiner, claiming that since his release in March 2009 he has been secretly working on a weather control device that could “rain the fury of the gods upon our world.” The device, which he referred to as Odin’s Hammer, is capable of creating tornadoes and hurricanes, along with other types of obscure and bizarre weather events.
As a show of its strength, on Monday Varg claimed to have caused the freak blizzard that covered Riyadh, Saudi Arabia with 12 inches of snow. He also claimed responsibility for the freak frog storm that interrupted Saturday’s football match between Manchester United and Liverpool. “I’ve shown you I can make frogs fall from the sky,” said Varg in a letter released on Sunday, “you will bow down before me…..YOUR BLACK METAL GOD.”
Interpol has been tracking Varg since the first message made it to the newspapers. Several sources claim that he has slipped out of Norway and hidden in North Korea under the protection of the slightly bloated leader of that nation, Kim Jong Un.
Another source claims that Varg had originally offered to sell the device to Iran for 100 million dollars, but decided against it when he learned that several prominent Iranian clerics preferred more mainstream black metal bands like Dimmu Borgir.
Varg claims he will not use Odin’s Hammer if several demands are immediately met. The list of demands range from the slightly bizarre to the unbelievably ridiculous. First of all, he wants a fleet of 200 World War 2 Sherman Tanks at his disposal at all times. He has asked that Wednesday be renamed Heimdall, in honor of the Norse God whose horn will announce the end of the world. He demanded a worldwide ban on the use of ukuleles.
Finally, he asked for the ruins of the Roman Coliseum to be filled with 500,000 pounds of gluten-free cupcakes. Authorities are confused by Varg’s request and some believe that it is possible that these requests might, in fact, be signs of mental illness.
In America, one of the targets for potential attack named by Varg in his last letter, responses were mixed. Several prominent politicians called for an immediate program creating billions of dollars in subsidies to corporations that create gluten free cupcakes.
However, some politicians, like former Presidential candidate Scott Walker were not impressed with Varg’s threats. “We all know that it is impossible for human actions to affect the weather. That’s just preposterous,” said Walker in Wednesday’s interview on The Sean Hannity Show.