Archive for December, 2013
Steven Tyler Gives Terminally Ill Man Dying Wish By Cancelling Aerosmith Concert
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on December 27, 2013

Tyler Moments After Saving A School Bus Filled With 5,000 Children From Drowning After A Crash In The Andes Mountains
Most people incorrectly perceive the world of rock’n’roll as a carnival of demented, brainless narcissists willing to claw their grandmother’s eyeballs out for ten seconds of media attention. While this is true about 99 percent of the time, there are some artists out there who quietly work to make the world a better place. One such person is Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler.
Beyond writing some of the most moving and powerful rock songs of the 1980s and 90s, Tyler is a compassionate man who believes it is his sole purpose in life to give of himself to others. From negotiating an end to the Eritrean-Ethiopian War in 2000, to risking his life while singlehandedly saving a raft filled with burning puppies and kittens that were about to go over a 600 foot waterfall in Ghana, to donating his colon and lower intestines to a group of needy children in Laos, Tyler has truly made a difference in this world.
That’s why it was no surprise when Tyler made the ultimate sacrifice by canceling Aerosmith’s scheduled concert last Friday at The Cow Palace in San Francisco. Tyler did so in order to honor the dying wish of Brian McCloud, a terminally ill man who passed away on Wednesday after a yearlong battle with Moosebumps. McCloud, who always despised Aerosmith’s music and Tyler in particular, wanted more than anything else to stop another group of concertgoers from having to endure horrendous live versions of “Janie’s Got A Gun” and “Love In An Elevator”.
“If I could do one thing to make the earth a better place, it would be to save the eardrums of a group of strangers from the vomit-inducing sounds that fall out of Steven Tyler’s bloated, pig mouth….even just for one night,” said McCloud as his last breath escaped his body.
Tyler was so moved by McCloud’s plea he initially agreed to have his voicebox removed and buried with McCloud, but later reneged on this offer when the family of the deceased implied that it might be in poor taste. Instead, he will have his tongue stapled to his forehead as an act of contrition for subjecting the public to almost 30 years of misery. Tyler plans to play less shows next year to honor McCloud’s memory.
“When you hear about a guy and he’s, like, on his deathbed, pleading for you to stop singing and literally tries to strangle the male nurse by his bedside in his last moments because he thinks it might be you….That’s powerful, man. That hits you right here (pointing to chest). You really see how your music can touch people’s lives,” said a misty-eyed Tyler during his daily hot yoga session.
UCLA Study Reveals More Metalheads Believe in Santa Claus Than A Necrovore Reunion
Posted by birthad1 in General Weirdness on December 24, 2013
A surprising new study released Monday by UCLA’s Institute For Metal Advancement revealed that more metalheads now believe in Santa Claus than in the idea of the band Necrovore reuniting.
Responding to a detailed questionnaire, metal fans overwhelmingly agreed that the possibility of a magical being sliding down chimneys and delivering toys to all the children of the world in one evening is still more likely than the cult Texas death metal act reforming and releasing a proper full-length.
Necrovore recorded one highly-revered demo in 1987, and frontman Jon DePlachett has repeatedly planned an official reformation of the band with the first announcement in 1995, and then again in 2007 when the initial attempt never materialized. Five years later, there has been no further movement.
In the meantime, many metalheads asserted that the evidence for Christmastime’s famous figurehead is much more plausible. “Santa Claus brought me some Hot Wheels when I was a kid,” says self-described metal enthusiast Jose Chavez, “I thought my parents did it, but they swore it wasn’t them, so who knows? But Necrovore reforming? That’s not real.”
The University study also discovered several other things fans believe in more than a Necrovore comeback, including the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and the idea of being able to dig to China.
“The data here is definitely intriguing,” said researcher Rob Urbinati, “and after 20 years of promises and disappointments, it seems a Necrovore reformation is almost a mythical premise. And the idea that they could further release an album that would live up to expectations clearly resides in the realm of the impossible.”
On Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is expected to make his worldwide sleigh ride and deliver presents as he has for over 300 years. Necrovore is slated to make an announcement about an upcoming planned announcement by 2017.
Glen Benton: Activist or Anti-Christ?
Posted by ndreaj in General Weirdness on December 23, 2013
Some of the people we view as great Americans have spent the better part of their lives being derided and defamed, only to later be discovered as incredible human beings. Harry Truman was a wildly unpopular President who was viewed as incompetent by many in the press. Today, he is viewed as one of the great Presidents of the modern era. Muhammad Ali was once believed to be a draft dodging, loud mouth braggart who was disgracing the sport of boxing and America itself. When the “Sportsman of The Century” lit the Olympic torch in 1996 in Atlanta, there was almost no mention of that.
There are some people just like this in our world today. One such man inhabits the world of heavy metal. This local hero, defender of humanity, and social activist has sat quietly in the face of persecution for many years. That man is Deicide vocalist Glen Benton.
Most of Glen’s early works, much like those of Henry David Thoreau, focus on the abuses committed by the dominant religious system in America. In a world racked by grief and suffering, Benton posed questions like “How can you call yourself a God?” He also passionately revealed the mistreatment of God’s followers in his work with potent lines like “God is the reason we live in dismay, it is his will that this world is suffering”. After this intense period of anti-religious activism, Benton was directed by his own ethical compass inward to a more gentle period of his life.
Thus began his “furry adoption phase”. He began by adopting a few baby bunnies. The more bunnies he adopted, the bigger his heart swelled. At one time, the Benton house was home to over 300 baby bunnies. He adopted many other animals included wounded llamas, lemurs and aardvarks, but it was the bunnies that he forged the deepest connection with. This led to the most musically awkward phase of Benton’s career.
In 1994, Deicide tried to release the album “Cute Little Bugs” which was rejected by the record label and later re-recorded the next year with different lyrics as “Once Upon The Cross”. The looming threat of commercial failure in the midst of soaring rabbit food costs was a wake-up call to Benton. He got back on the anti-God musical bandwagon in order to continue to support the incredible collection of animals who relied on him for sustenance.
The next major event in Benton’s life is still shocking to many. On a gloomy late December morning, he received a knock on his door. When he opened it he found a young orphan left in a basket on his doorstep with a note that read simply “Jesus”. Benton, who could have easily eaten or sold the baby, instead committed the next years of his life to raising him, feeding him out of a bottle, and even going so far as to suckle him from his own teat. As he grew older, Jesus began eating sugary cereal, watching cartoons, and collecting Pokemon cards. In those days they were one big happy family- Benton, Jesus, and all 300 of the cuddly bunnies. He recalls that Jesus was just like any other normal kid, and that he often left crayons in his pockets which would melt in the wash.
The mixing of Jesus and the bunnies under one roof is how our modern Easter tradition came about. We can all thank Glen Benton for that. However, when Mary and God, the child’s rightful parents, returned to claim him, Benton lost a bitter custody battle and had to say good-bye to young Jesus.
Years later, Jesus was arrested and crucified by the Roman authorities for shoplifting. He still blames God for allowing the death of his young friend. Had young Jesus stayed in Benton’s care, the two would still be happily sitting on a couch watching episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba. Things turned out far differently. Still haunted by those terrible memories, Benton has spent much of the latter part of his career singing about Jesus’ unfortunate death.
This was a dark and distressing period for Benton. He sought to make a strong statement about the injustices God had committed against his once foster son. He burned an upside-down cross into his forehead as a constant reminder of the grave injustice that had been committed. This act, while viewed as completely insane by some, has earned him the occasional comparison to the Buddhist monks who set themselves in fire in protest of the South Vietnamese government in the 1960s by those who understand Benton’s commitment to social justice.
Since that time, Benton has been busy teaching a young generation not to die on crosses or listen to their idiot parents, even if they are God. He has constantly been portrayed in as negative light by the media, having been called the everything from a terrible influence on America’s youth to the Antichrist. The truth is, Benton an activist in the mold of Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and Sean Penn. More than anything, Glen needs our love and understanding. Compassion for The Caco-Daemon is a non-profit group that has been started to collect letters of support and affection for Glen and his important cause. They are currently accepting handwritten cards (preferably in crayon) to encourage Benton to continue his fight.
Cards can be mailed to:
Compassion For The Caco-Daemon
PO Box 2204
Gresham, OR 97030
Mott The Hoople Inducted Into Rock And Roll Hall of Fame For Seventh Time
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on December 17, 2013
English rockers Mott The Hoople headline a star-studded cast of bands that will be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame in a ceremony to be held in Cleveland on April 10th. Best known for their rock classic “All The Young Dudes” and some other songs, Mott The Hoople are a band that, according to Rolling Stone reporter Ralph Dullard, “changed the landscape of modern music”. They have been so influential that the Hall has decided to induct them again, even though they have performed this same ritual on six previous occasions.
Mott The Hoople are not the only legends to be going into the Hall. Several big time acts including England Dan and John Ford Coley, Right Said Fred, Joey Lawrence, Van McCoy, Spandau Ballet, Quarterflash and The Georgia Satellites round out the list of performers being inducted. Several key figures in the industry will also be enshrined including Mark Jameson, Mick Jagger’s longtime gardener, Stone Billingsley, Keith Moon’s drum tech during the Quadrophenia tour, and Arnold Weisman, the record executive who tricked Miles Davis into signing a lifetime contract that deprived him of most of the royalties from his music.
One name that was not on the list are heavy metal legends Iron Maiden. Their had been a campaign among many metalheads to get the band inducted this time around, but the Hall felt that the band was simply not significant enough to make it. “Look, I know a few people really love Iron Maiden and they are a talented group, but we can’t induct a band based on one well-known song. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida is fantastic, but really, what else have they done?” said Joel Peresman, President and CEO of the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame Foundation.
In spite of the passion of their fans, Iron Maiden wasn’t even the closest runner-up among the Hall’s voters. They finished well behind .38 Special, Sir Mix-A lot, The Strawberry Alarm Clock, Lou Christie, Dexy’s Midnight Runners and Detroit Tigers pitcher Jack Morris.
The ceremony, which will be attended by some of the best-known arrhythmic, tone deaf, middle-aged hacks in the industry, will be broadcast on HBO about 46 times in April and May.
Tom Araya Hints At Retirement In New Slayer Songs
Posted by birthad1 in General Weirdness, Totally Useless Information on December 14, 2013
LOS ANGELES – Kerry King aired his frustration about the lyrical direction of the next Slayer album in an interview on the Fuse Network today, stating that frontman Tom Araya won’t stop submitting song lyrics about retirement.
“Tom keeps writing all these lyrics that at first seemed weird and dark,” said the famously grumpy guitarist, “but now I’m not really sure what he’s really trying to say.”
“This early one, ‘The Final Sleep’, sounded cool and promising,” he continued, “but then he started handing in stuff that started getting way off-base.”
As King leafed through the stack of material, songs with titles like ‘The Charade is Over’, ‘End of the Line’, ‘How Much is Enough’, and ‘Let Me Rest’, were all visible, and the condition of the pages became visibly more ragged as newer entries were examined. Finally he arrived at the most recent submission, which was simply a cocktail napkin with the word ‘STOP’ written across it in black magic marker.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” asked King as he held up the napkin, “and look at this one – ‘401K’? What the hell? I originally thought it was another serial killer reference, but now I’m not so sure.”
Araya and the late Jeff Hanneman were known for collaborating on some of the band’s most memorable lyrics, and many fans had already voiced concern about Slayer’s direction in the wake of Hanneman’s passing.
When asked about the outcome of the next album, the lead axeman remained confident, stating, “I have written plenty of lyrics for Slayer, so it’s not like I can’t handle this myself. Tom’s welcome to contribute, but he’s going to have to give me something better than songs about driving an RV, fishing, or spending time with family.”
Tom Araya could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly at home and watching television while stretched out on the couch.