In an attempt to show the modern, more tolerant face of the Catholic Church, the Vatican today announced that Pope Francis would be the new vocalist for the death metal band Ghost B.C. Pope Francis, whose only previous credit on an album come from singing backup vocals on the Annihilator song “Kraf Dinner”, has publically spoken about the “healing and transformative powers of heavy metal music”, but few expected him to actually appear on a metal album.
Ghost B.C. had initially planned to replace current vocalist Papa Emeritus II with a shadowy figure known only as Papa Emeritus III, but when the Vatican reached out and appealed to band to bring the Pope on board in order to bring harmony between “Catholics and hellbound non-believing scum”, the band immediately jumped at the opportunity. Pope Francis will be introduced as the singer during Sweden’s Hellfest in June.
Pope Francis has distinguished himself in the past by making statements that reflect tolerance towards other faiths and acceptance of people who disagree with the Catholic lifestyle. While beliefs of this sort were thought of as the gateway to eternal damnation by his predecessors, they have helped improve the image of The Church among non-Catholics who are blissfully unaware of what The Church actually thinks about them.
In a recent ABC News/Hormel Meat Corporation Poll, 63 percent of respondents said they believed they would “be very surprised” if the church began torturing and murdering non-believers as it has done throughout much of its past.
This Pope, whose trademark catch phrase “What the Hell do I know, I’m just the Pope?” has become a rallying cry for Catholics around the world who long to become tolerant of the people that they feel an instinctive hatred towards, seems to be doing everything within his power to remind people that The Church is much more than the largest Ponzi scam in human history. He has reached out to Muslims, Jews, sexual deviants and those being punished by God with a life of poverty.
Still, the past two singers of Ghost B.C. have been described as a “Satanic anti-Popes”. What could a Pope, who represents an organization that stands firmly against satanic rituals like birth control, abortion and homosexuality, possibly have in common with the band’s previous singers?
“Well, they all wear funny hats,” quipped Vatican spokesman Tom Torquemada.
The new Ghost B.C. album “Turning The Cross Upside Down” is due out in August.
#1 by Max Resurrectus on May 20, 2015 - 12:54 PM
Hahaha! Hail to the Pope and Ghost B.C.! It’s a good PR move.
#2 by johndockus on May 20, 2015 - 4:24 PM
I haven’t yet received the promo of their first album. The agent of the band is one of the scariest individuals I know. He had a hood over his face, all in shadow, these witch’s brew green glowing eyes with vapors streaming out of them, making curlicues in the air, words appearing as Holy Scripture written backwards, and I think he had a cloven hoof. He looked like one of the Sith from Star Wars. I fear it was the former Pope Joseph Ratzinger, but I’m not sure. But I received an advanced copy, a teaser, of the first track that will be on the new Ghost B.C.’s album featuring the new Pope. Full of irony, it’s a version of “Bar-B-Q Pope” by the Butthole Surfers. They do it kind of like that 1985 performance of “We Are the World”, except on this version a variety of well-known musical performers from Death Metal and Black Metal are on it, a chorus of the damned, providing that foil for heaven, and the Pope who is the crowned jewel. – I love this Pope. I saw a secret live performance where he offers his heart up with blood streaming down his forearms, then shoves it beating back into his chest, and doesn’t miss a beat. I’m not sure it was only a gimmick, it appeared so lifelike. Maybe I’m only hallucinating. “Lazarus Come Forth!” he screamed, to set up an unearthly guitar solo, which had me riding on the waves of sound over the fiery pit, feeling in no time like a Kentucky-fried chicken. His vocal style is a little unusual – I don’t quite know how to describe it – his meekness retaining its quality as meekness with compassion becoming all the more incredible when ratcheted up into the scream of the Bar-B-Q Pope chorus, “Ah! Ahhh! AHHHH!” It has special poignance coming from him. You can really feel the burn. (I can’t confirm it yet, but I heard the new Ghost B.C. have also done a version of “Christian Rat Attack” by Stickmen with Ray Guns. It seems there is nothing this band can’t do, all the miracles and the angels and saints up the new lead singer’s one sleeve, and all the opposites tucked into the other.)
Bar-B-Q Pope lyrics:
I shot the barbecue pit
I shot the pope, yahoo
They shot the pope
They shot his ass
It’s over now
That’s what I said
I wet my bed last night
I woke up sad, whoo
They shot the pope
They shot the pope’s ass
They shot the pope
And i said Good Night
#3 by patrycher on May 21, 2015 - 8:27 PM
Reblogged this on patrycher's Blog and commented:
Finally a Pope worth listening to!
#4 by patrycher on May 21, 2015 - 8:30 PM
Finally! A Pope worth listening to!