Archive for category Really Brilliant Things You Should Read But Probably Won’t Because You Are A Pantera Fan

Wormrot Still “Worst Funeral Drone Doom Band”

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Wormrot is the first band in Rolling Stone history to have retained a staff and readers’ poll title six times consecutively (Photo:  Earache Records)

 

For the seventh year in a row, North African trio Wormrot has been designated as “Worst Funeral Drone Doom Band” by Rolling Stone magazine, becoming the first group in the popular American biweekly publication’s history to have retained a title six times consecutively.

The dishonorable designation came amidst many others in Rolling Stone’s annual “Best and Worst in Popular Music” staff and readers’ poll. A record 1,000 titles were handed out this year, including “Best Heavy Metal Rock Band” (Fleetwood Mac), “Worst Synthpop Band” (Anaal Nathrakh), and “Best Progressive Southern Gospel Band” (Crimson Moonlight).

Before every title is awarded to its recipient, a lengthy and complex consideration of various factors—including positional prominence of the drummer in band photos, minimum name-your-price minimum on Bandcamp, and number of posts about X-Men on personal social media accounts—takes place to ensure that fairness permeates the final judgment.

As fate would have it, Wormrot was judged—unfavorably.

“This band never learns. Time and time again, it churns out straight-to-the-point tunes that are so short, they are over before my adulthood is,” senior Rolling Stone scribe Don Haffaklue wrote in his capsule review of Wormrot’s latest album, Voices.

In her latest online column, N. O. Edea, managing editor of Rolling Stone, also criticized Wormrot for its immense lack of subtlety and sensitivity towards pathologically patient adults. According to her, the band must “learn to appreciate musical verbosity and the virtue of inactivity” in order to halt its incessant descent to PR hell.

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Negative public perception of Wormrot is attributed to the three-piece’s lack of subtlety, and love for brevity (Photo: Earache Records)

Other opinions about Wormrot’s blatant disregard for sub-genre boundaries abound on social media, and they range from oblivious to delirious.

Rolling Stone reader Rhea Budtase questioned on Twitter: “#wormrot? isn’t that nick jonas’ new band?” On Instagram, celebrity vegan shoelace weaver Bond Pölzer posted a photo of a painting of a photo of himself stoning to a vinyl copy of an obscure Wormrot split with an unknown Bhutanese life metal band being played at 6.66 RPM, with the caption: “WO)))RMRO)))T”.

Outside of social media, some Rolling Stone readers expressed coherent, albeit chichi opinions about the North African three-piece.

“They are definitely taking steps in the right direction, they certainly know what they are doing,” said Noah Sarbstans, an avid scanner of Rolling Stone headlines at 7-Eleven outlets. “This band has always been, and will continue to be, at the frontier of pop music.”

Another reader, Elm Merture, a self-proclaimed music journalist, waxed lyrical about Wormrot’s ceaseless rebellious streak, and likened the trio to famous champions of freedom in modern history.

“Channelling the indomitable spirit of historical greats such as Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and Seth Putnam, Wormrot is not afraid to look discrimination straight in the eye and say, ‘Begone! Let there be no walls between black and white, thrash and death, stoner drone doom and funeral drone doom, et cetera. Man is born free, and everywhere he should not be in sub-genres,’” she wrote on her GeoCities page.

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Beaming members of Wormrot laying their hands on Chinese comics for the first time (Photo:  Earache Records)

Despite the largely negative media coverage thus far, at least one key industry figure still maintains an optimistic outlook on the furor.

Digby Pearson, CEO and founder of Earache Records, sees Wormrot’s continued defense of its Rolling Stone title as a half-full rather than a half-empty glass.

“Any publicity is good publicity, this has always been my goal with Wormrot. I signed them in 2010 to lift them out of poverty, and draw global media attention to the plight of working-class North Africans who cannot afford Insect Warfare’s catalog on vinyl,” he said over the phone yesterday.

“It’s heart-warming to see that they can afford necessities like crew neck T-shirts and Chinese comics nowadays. So clearly, the persistent media coverage of Wormrot, good or bad, is working in my favor,” he added with a chuckle.

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Phil Anselmo Apologizes For Remarks In Full Klan Outfit

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With his voice slightly muffled by his white linen mask, former Pantera singer Phil Anselmo apologized for his offensive remarks while wearing a Ku Klux Klan robe and peaked hood.

“I don’t hate anyone more than I hate anyone else,” said the embattled racist as he pulled aside the mask, “I think people are equally worthless, especially the non-white ones.”

Anselmo then winced and started pounding on his own head with his fist while angrily muttering, “No, goddammit! Stupid, stupid stupid!”

After composing himself, the famously intolerant singer continued, “what I said about white power on stage last weekend was a joke and nothing more, just like the idea of racial equality.”

At this point, the icon for everything wrong in heavy metal began to bite down on his bottom lip, eliciting a trickle of blood which ran down his chin. Sweat began to form across his forehead as he stuttered, “I am not a man of hate. Hate has nothing to do with who I am. Just heritage. Yes. Heritage. That’s what matters to me.”

After taking a few deep breaths, the man who once ranted about white pride for ten minutes in the middle of a Pantera concert looked squarely at the camera, shrugged and said, “And that’s all I got to say on the matter. Sieg… uh… sieg ya later.”

Anselmo then somberly turned to the large wooden cross erected behind him and set it ablaze.

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Napalm Death’s “Scum” and Woman’s Search For Meaning

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I was born in 1982, seven years shy of the end of the Vietnam War. My birthdate left me unaware of the horrors of napalm, and because I like to justify my historical ignorance with the phrase, “I don’t know because I wasn’t alive then,” I’ve remained unenlightened for the past thirty years. But the real tragedy, readers, the unspeakable terror, is that I’ve known nothing of the band Napalm Death, the darling of the grindcore genre and a pioneering influence in the celebration of noise for noise’s sake.

I’ve been given a gift from my friend Keith Spillett: an invitation to review Napalm Death’s debut album, “Scum.” And fittingly, my exposure to this musical vanguard was a baptism by fire, and I can say with absolute clarity that I’ve been born again.

Go with me, readers, on a journey of the utmost existential significance.

“Scum” opens with the introduction of our protagonist, Angry Man. We don’t learn much about Angry Man on this track, only that he likes to yell, “Genocide! Stalin!” But soon, in the track “Instinct of Survival,” we find that Angry Man does not go through life alone. He has a faithful companion, St. Bernard, prone to manic barking (“Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!”, times 32), and St. Bernard seems to be pulling Angry Man on his leash, urging his master to keep going and demanding that the listener go the distance.

Next up: “The Kill,” a track that introduces us to the album’s penchant for surprise. It opens with musical phrasing that fools us into believing that we’re to be treated to “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks. But it’s not to be: Angry Man has more to yell. And his message swells in the titular track, a song that rivetingly follows the classic A/B/A/B/C structure, A being palatable, B being obnoxious, and C being the hate child conceived between A and B premaritally.

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Just when we think that Angry Man could not be more eloquent, we reach track 6, “Polluted Minds.” It’s among the most lyrically complex tracks on the album, leaving us pondering our role in society’s corruption. He explodes and engages: “Do you hear my muffin?! They must die!! Yo yo yo yo yellow dress!” There’s a story here, propelling us forward. What flavor is the muffin? Does the dress have an empire waist or a fitted bodice?

We’re confused. We want answers. We push on, and our persistence goes unrewarded. Frankly, track 8, “Siege of Power,” is self-indulgent and obtusely academic. The musicians seem to be boasting, “Look how fast I can drum! Look how unintelligibly I can make sounds come out of my face hole!” Angry Man mixes his messages, sounding in track 9 as if he’s hopping in the snow wearing only his boxers, vulnerably howling, “Follow your dream! Where’s my doll?!?!”

But then we come to track 12, “You Suffer.” The element of surprise introduced in “The Kill” finds delightful fruition here, as we meet Angry Man’s high-pitched foe: Toddler Alien. “Why?” screams Toddler Alien repeatedly, and as he belts out an aggressive duet with Angry Man, we find ourselves asking the same question. For this is the turning point of the album, the moment at which we must think critically about our need for answers, for neatly tied resolutions. We realize with sudden clarity that we’ve been waiting for Godot.

As we take a breath and move on to “Point of No Return,” we begin our ascent to the album’s climax. Angry Man throws up, then eats Cookie Monster, leaving us to wonder if our hero’s tragic flaw is his weakness for tasty Muppets; the linear reversal of projectile vomiting and food consumption challenges our dependence on the concept of time. We listen helplessly in “Negative Approach” as Angry Man’s identity dissociates into SNL’s Colonel Angus coming home from war, unable to stop the mockery of Toddler Alien’s Elfin Uncle who laughs mercilessly in the background.

And the cruelty of circumstance only becomes more intense. Angry Man’s destiny is not to resolve his conflict and achieve victory over his foes; we’re not to experience the catharsis of a happy ending. He loses a tooth in “Deceiver,” then finds himself bound and gagged in “Conservative Sh%^head.” His shackles remain, even after repeatedly screaming out of his rope-gagged mouth, “Just wait ’til my lawyer gets here!” His needy cries of “We want corn! We want corn!” go unacknowledged in “Pseudo Youth,” and finally his tongue is numbed in “Divine Death,” leaving us with his final intelligible phrase of the album: “Ride this thing!” Haunting.

Not since Fiona Apple’s “Tidal” have I been so powerfully affected by the symbolic significance of a debut album. I recommend “Scum” unequivocally, with absolute assurance that you too will be catapulted into your own search for meaning. Readers, in our life on this earth, we won’t always be able to understand the words. Sometimes what sounds like “Die! Die! Die!” and an angry lawnmower is really a clarion call, an opportunity to question our place on earth, a chance to swing toward the absolutist tenet of nihilism or the belief that “everything happens for a reason.” Obviously, Napalm Death falls into the latter camp.

“Scum” by Napalm Death:

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(Amy wrote this.  She is the Chief Existential Heroine over at ‘Bring On The Whimsy’.  She received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1978 for creating the Island of Madagascar.  Her hobbies include botany, vanilla and water buffalos.  She is not a Sagittarius)

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Panterrorists Announce They Will Be Bombed At Upcoming Show

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After a hoax involving the desecration of Pantera guitarist “Diamond” Darrell Abbott’s grave, angry Pantera fans have coalesced into a loose collective known as Panterrorists. Like most terrorists, they employ scare tactics in the form of threats, such as raping wives and beating people senseless in a bid to sow paranoia and fear against those who dislike Pantera.

The current alarm comes from a recent communication on Facebook, where Panterrorists have vowed to be bombed at an upcoming concert of embattled Pantera detractors, Death Toll.

“These [expletives] have said a lot of [expletive] about brother Dime,” said an unnamed commenter, who never actually met the slain guitarist, “and when you’re messing with Pantera, you’re messing with us! We’re gonna get bombed at the Death Tool show and shows these [expletives] what’s up!”

The message ended with a cryptic comment of, “walk on home, boy”. It is unclear to whom they are referring, though authorities believe the wording implies potential harm to a minor.

This is far from the first public threat issued by Panterrorists, as they have recently stated they will express their outrage at any disrespect towards their favorite band by getting bombed at national landmarks, airports, and on public buses. Additional alarm was raised when certain known conspirators also made references to unknown parties being stoned, as stoning is a popular method of jihadists around the world.

“Dime is a guitar god, I tell you what,” read a comment on a Pantera forum, posted by user FKNHOSTILE420, “and we’ll continue getting bombed until everyone knows it! Nobody is safe from us. We are stronger than all!”

The Department of Homeland Security is currently establishing a task force to prevent further bombing actions. “We will not allow these actions to continue, said Special Agent Frank Gosdzik at a press conference this morning, “nor will we bend to the will of Pantifa, the Pantaliban, or Panterrorists of any kind. Cowboys from Hell was total garbage, by the way.”

The Department is also offering a reward to anyone with information regarding the meaning of “getcha’ pull”.

 

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Breaking News: Phil Anselmo Bans Spikes, Bullet Belts From City of Austin

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Citing last-minute “security concerns”, former Razor White frontman Phil Anselmo declared a ban on all spikes and bullet belts within the Austin city limits for the duration of the Housecore Horror Film Festival, which is has been in full-swing since Thursday, October 24.

“Anyone coming into town with any bullet belts, spikes, or studs will need to turn around and take them home,” said the singer, “you could leave them in San Antonio, or even San Marcos, but you can’t bring them here.”

Anselmo, best known for his performance on Pantera’s 1988 LP, Power Metal, then expanded his statement, saying, “In fact, I don’t think I want to see any wallet chains, combat boots, black clothing, or threatening-looking tattoos or piercings either. So if that’s your trip, you aren’t welcome here. That’s not what the Housecore Horror Fest is about.”

Whether or not this will put a damper on attendance at the festival remains to be seen. Stay tuned right here for up to the minute coverage of this breaking story.

EDIT: New reports from participating downtown venues confirm that all ticket holders will be allowed entry, provided they change into pink and white Hello Kitty t-shirts provided by festival promoters.

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Comedian Jerry Dillon Retires “Phil Anselmo” Character

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Jeff AD is currently researching the connection between Pantera listening and spinal meningitis at University of West Virginia.  His book, Pantera, Whiskey and The New South, is scheduled to be released in October.  He is currently a contributing writer at Tyranny of Tradition.  He has a pancreas.

Actor comedian Jerry Dillon, best known for his long-running character Phil Anselmo, tells The Tyranny of Tradition that he is retiring his hard-rocking alter ego at the end of November. The decision coincides with the Housecore Horror Film Festival, ostensibly hosted by Anselmo, that will be held this weekend in Austin, Texas.

“It was a tough decision,” stated Dillon of his beloved character, “but after 27 years of portraying Phil, I feel like it had run its course. It’s still funny, and people enjoy it, but I feel like I’m starting to repeat myself.”

The versatile performer has portrayed several other characters on shows like Saturday Night Live and Chappelle’s Show, but it was the Anselmo persona that took Dillon to fame and fortune, albeit one that blurred the line between identities.

“Part of what made Phil a challenge is that I’d sometimes lose myself in there,” said the actor, “and I’d start to really think I was a brain-damaged redneck metal singer. And I always had to be ‘on’, whether it meant saying something totally stupid or doing an absurd live performance with one of the bands I created for Phil.”

The most popular “band” was Pantera, a heavy metal parody act co-created by David Wallace, who also portrayed guitarist Dimebag Darrel and participated in many skits and performances with Dillon. The two started collaborating in 1986 and proved to be a formidable comedy duo until they parted ways in 2003, which was punctuated by a staged break-up and feud. Neither actor broke character or discussed the genuine reasons for the split, though Dillon admits he was somewhat bothered by the way Wallace retired his character.

“That was pretty over the top,” he laughed. “Killing off the character on stage seemed kind of tacky at the time, because it upset a lot of our fans. Dave knew what he was doing, though. These days, the Dimebag character is more popular than ever.”

Indeed, merchandise for Pantera, Dimebag Darrel, and Phil Anselmo continues to rake in sales, and Dillon is satisfied with his legacy. But apparently the Emmy-winning actor is ready to move on.

“I’m looking forward to writing new material, acting with different people, and maybe coming up with some new alter ego to inhabit. I’ll always love being Phil, though. It was a blast to play him.”

Actor Jeffrey Wielandt, who often appears with Dillon and portrays the popular Zakk Wylde character, could not be reached for comment.

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How the Commodity Relation Infects Our Language

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An absolutely fantastic article taken from a fantastic new website called The Classless Classroom. 

Every time you tell a child, “Good job!” you are reinforcing the capitalist commodity relation as the fundamental relation in our society.  Our language polices us — we do not express ourselves freely.  Here are further examples:

  • We buy ourselves time, we save time, we invest our time wisely — meaning productively — and we spend our time, and must account for it.  After a long and taxing day slaving away on our work, we’re spentTime is money, and that’s how we treat it.
  • We are accountable.  We own our mistakes, and own up to our faults.  To overcome them, we must capitalize on our strengths.
  • We ask to be given some credit when not believed, and are discredited when proved wrong.  We prove we have been to school when we earn credit.
  • We want to be trusted.  We must earn trust. We earn a reputation, good or bad.
  • When unconvinced, we’re just not buying it.  We need to be sold on a new idea.
  • We can have a lot of class, or be classy.  It’s better than being low class.  No woman wants to look cheap, though we may sometimes like cheap thrills or a cheap laugh at someone else’s expense.  What we’d really like is a rich experience, a rich dessert, writing that is rich in detail.
  • We can pay attention, or lose interest.  We can change our minds.  Barely hanging in there?  We’ll manage.  Let’s act professional about it.  Deal with it.
  • We wage war.  Sin has wages, which are death.  But when you’re great, you’re money.  Others are in your debt.  They owe you, big-time.
  • Slaughter is wholesale — why pay retail?  Don’t get short-changed.  We can put paid to that idea.
  • We take stock of a situation, and stock up on supplies.
  • Pregnancy begins with oviproduction and ends in labor.  When relationships end, we’re back on the market.
  • You did a poor jobpoor you.  You did very poor work on your assignment.  But it will all work out, especially if you go to the gym like you’re supposed to and have a good work out.
  • Anything missing from this list?  It’s not a deal-breaker.  We may need to coin a phrase for it.
  • What if money really were no object?

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