Archive for December, 2011

Exclusive Interview With Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine

Metal Legend Dave Mustaine

Last week, while I was at the Hot Topic in the North Dekalb Mall buying my four year old son a “Blessthefall” hoodie, the most improbable thing took place.  I started talking about heavy metal music with the guy in front of me and he mentioned that he was Dave Mustaine from the band Megadeth.  I was blown away!  I’ve been a huge fan of them for years.  I couldn’t let an opportunity of a lifetime go away, so I asked Mr. Mustaine if he was willing to do an interview with me.  In exchange for a large Orange Julius, he agreed to sit down with me in the Food Court and answer some questions.

Tyranny:  Mr. Mustaine, it’s an honor to meet you.  Thanks so much for your time.

Mustaine:  (slurping at his drink) It’s your dime, pal.

Tyranny: Well, first let’s get through the tough stuff.  You were kicked out of Metallica a long time ago.  Do you still have any anger towards them?

Mustaine:  Don’t try to trip me up, buddy.  I am in the band Megadeth.  M-E-G-A-D-E-A-T-H!  The Julius is going fast.  Hurry up.

Tyranny:  Okay, uhmm, well you have talked about aliens a lot in your music.  Do you really believe the government is hiding their existence from us?

Mustaine:  Look bro (looking around suspiciously and lowering his voice).  I can tell you for sure they are real.  And not just in that Hangar 13 in Arkansas.  I see a guy in here all the time.  He always pretends he’s going to buy a Build-A-Bear.  Everyday he’s in here.  You know why, man?  He’s studying us.  Sizing us up.  Looking to make his move.  One day, he’s gonna bug out and start eating mall goths and babies and stuff.

Know what?  I’m not afraid of him.  Know why?  I drink half a bottle of hand sanitizer everyday.  Stings a bit going down but he can’t see my heat trails because of that.  So, when things get crazy, Old Dave will be just fine.  Don’t worry about me, bro.

Tyranny:  Sounds like you know too much….


Tyranny:  So, you’re Christian?

Mustaine:  No dude, I told you.  I’m Dave.  What is this….a test?

Tyranny:  Have you recovered fully from your injury yet?

Mustaine:  Oh, you mean that thing that happened during the war.  Yeah, I’m mostly better.  The spine eating lizards put a device in my head that causes me to feel burning sensations whenever someone turns on a microwave, but beyond that, I’m totally cool.

Tyranny:  What is the thing that you have written that you are most proud of?

Mustaine:  About 30 years ago, when I was Jane Austen, I wrote a book called Persuasion.  It’s your basic story of love lost and love found.  In many ways, it’s a metaphor for the sadness at the root of the human condition.  There is a passage in the book where Captain Wentworth takes a hammer and beats a squirrel to death.  When I wrote that, I understood truly what it means to be a woman.

Tyranny:  Uhm, okay….

Mustaine:  SHHHHHHHH!!!!  You see that.

Tyranny:  What?!?!?!

Mustaine:  Shhhhh…shut up!  Pretend we are not talking.  You don’t know me and my name is Marvin.

Tyranny:  Uhmmmm…..

(A horrifically awkward silence of about two minutes)

Mustaine:  Okay…it’s cool.

Tyranny:  What just happened?

Mustaine:  Did you ever see that movie “They Live”?

Tyranny:  Yeah.

(Mustaine stares at me nodding with a knowing smile)

Tyranny:  Where do you see your music progressing over the last 10 years?

Mustaine:  You know how bands always say their music is either going to get heavier or that they are going to begin to hold strangers down and pour mouthwash in their eyes until the demons in their soul are vanquished to the Land of The Mog or that they are sorry that they randomly kicked and beat that vagrant on the side of the road in Phoenix all those years ago or that time I started cutting pictures of men with mustaches out of fashion magazines and pasting them up on the front door of local daycare centers or that they should know better and that they should beg forgiveness from a gila monster that won’t get off my front porch…..

Tyranny:  (waiting for the thought to be completed) Uhmmmmm…….uh-huh.

Mustaine:  (snapping back from a brief moment of staring staring blankly into space)  Did I turn my iron off at home?  It’s important.  I don’t want there to be a fire.

Tyranny:  I’m not really sure what….

Mustaine:  (suddenly filled with rage) Look, I need to let you know that the world is going to end on February 29th, 2017.  I need you to understand that.  Because we are all fragile beings.  Because we are delicate people.  Dreamers.  Dreaming.  Alone.  Bewildered.  Facing demons of our own creation and of the creation of so many others.  Facing eternalness.  Everywhere we look.  Besieged by creatures that call our names but disappear when we turn around.

Tyranny:  But…2017 isn’t a leap year?!?!

Mustaine:  Exactly!  See what I’m saying.  You see!!!

Tyranny:  But…..

Mustaine:  Nah!  That’s it.  I’m on to you, Gropius.  I see you in there!  You can’t fool me.  My Julius is finished!  You’ve nibbled at the toes of eternal truth long enough.  Peace!

And with a flash of light, he was gone…..

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Ohio State Coach Urban Meyer Denies Interest In Ohio State Coaching Job

This Never Happened

Tired of being hounded by the press about his interest in the Ohio State head football coaching position, Ohio State coach Urban Meyer today unequivocally denied any interest in taking the Ohio State job.  Meyer, who only weeks ago signed a contract to coach at Ohio State, denied that he has had contact with AD Gene Smith or that he was even aware that Ohio State existed.  Meyer claims that the recent press conference where he was introduced as the Head Coach was “a complete and total fabrication.”

Earlier today outside of his office in the Ohio State football complex, Meyer decried the media’s rampant speculation about his plans and willingness to report rumors instead of solid facts.  “They just take a few pieces of information and run wild with them,” said Meyer decked out in his brand new Ohio State coaching jacket.  After a Buckeye Booster Club Luncheon and a long day of preparing for next year’s home opener against Miami of Ohio, Meyer declared that he was looking forward to taking the next year to spend time with his family.

Ohio State University, already reeling from NCAA imposed sanctions for 2012, now faces the unenviable task of hiring a new coach even though they have already hired one who is currently coaching the team.  In a press release issued by the University, the Athletics Department stated definitively that they are “Looking forward to celebrating several championships in the Urban Meyer Ohio State era even though it will not be taking place.”

Meyer reacted frostily to the claims of some reporters that he has been wavering in his commitment to Buckeye football.  “I have been very clear about my intentions of not not not not not not coaching at Ohio State next season.  I’m not sure what else I can say.”

ESPN, which is already inundated with several major stories about pre-season NBA basketball and reports of Tim Tebow drinking a glass of water, led their SportsCenter broadcast with 55 minutes of coverage of Meyer’s denial.  In an interview with ESPN’s Shelley Smith, Coach Meyer denied ever issuing a denial.  “I am obviously currently the Ohio State Head football coach.  I am not,” said Meyer in an attempt to clarify the news reports about his interest in the Ohio State job that he took last month.

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The 657th Republican Debate of The 2012 Presidential Campaign in the State of Iowa as Told By Franz Kafka

“Nansen saw the monks of the eastern and western halls fighting over a cat. He seized the cat and told the monks: “If any of you say a good word, you can save the cat.”

No one answered. So Nansen boldly cut the cat in two pieces.

That evening Joshu returned and Nansen told him about this. Joshu removed his sandals and, placing them on his head, walked out.

Nansen said: “If you had been there, you could have saved the cat.”

-From The Gateless Gate

Announcer:  Now, presenting tonight’s debate between the leading candidates for the Republican nomination for the presidency of the United States.  Today’s event is sponsored by Big Vern’s Preowned Buicks an independent, freedom-loving outlet for the finest in preowned vehicles in all of suburban Waterloo, Iowa.  Here is tonight’s host, former All-American right tackle from the 1978 Sugar Bowl Champion Iowa Hawkeyes, the man who can put you in a Buick for under 10,000 dollars, Big Vern Walters.

Big Vern:  Yeah, uhm, thanks.  Tonight we are going to talk to some great Americans who may be President if the good lord wills it and chooses to not rain fire and brimstone down on the people of Iowa for embracing Satan and for buying cars made in Japan and other communist countries.  So, I digress, here’s the candidates.  If you don’t know them by now it’s probably because you’ve been watching CNN, otherwise known as the Commie News Network.  (audience laughs on cue)  Anyways, lets give a big Iowa welcome to the candidates.

(Audience applauds thunderously in response to the promise made by Big Vern before the debate that if they make the “Applause-O-Meter” reach 10 at least twice, they would get a dollar off coupon that can be used at the local Applebee’s)

(At this point, the candidates paste a big “gosh I hope you can look at me and think I’m the type of guy (or gal) you can sit down and have a beer with” smile on their makeup plastered faces)

Big Vern:  As for my first question, here it is.  Mitt Romney, Do you think that Obama is a Muslim?  If not, why are you protecting him?

Mitt:  Americans are were very hardworking them those who hate freedom well twelve Obamacare the enemies of the West those who hate us Obamacare Obamacare measured balanced approach our boys in Afghanistan Reagan them rock and roll is a bunch of mindless noise small businesses tax breaks Reagan fourteen insert joke here experienced leadership.

Gingrich:  Let me just interject for a minute.  Massachusetts Ted Kennedy liberal noise crickets my plan tax breaks Obamacare job creators those who hate freedom.  I have a plan that allows the 29th Amendment to use the Federal Reserve to make bacon.  Liberalism I’m an outsider Osama Bin Laden fear tax breaks Obamacare smarter than your average 4th grader thinking man’s conservative values welfare death cheaters awake after three.  Obamacare.  Liberal.  Brain Science.  Eliminate the Capital Gains Tax.  Reagan.

Big Vern:  That’s quite interesting, but Mr. Paul, how would you address the issue of people who make over 250 thousand dollars a year having to give away 3 quarters of their income to people on welfare who don’t want to work for a living?

Paul:  Let me first say, Obamacare (audience boos wildly).  Founding fathers spinning in graves to the tune of 7 trillion dollars in money spent on welfare in the past 10 seconds Federal Reserve Lizard People death no more taxes Obamacare….

Audience Member:  KILL THE HERETIC!!!!!

(Rest of Audience Laughs)

(Applause for no apparent reason)

Paul:  Federal Reserve buying cocaine or cannabis shouldn’t be a crime if you happen to drive Mercedes oppression taxation Department of Education selling crack to unwed mothers.  And that’s fine.  This is America.  Rights, Freedom, Liberty.  Some obscure historical example Republicans typically don’t use.  Freedom. Liberty.  Liberty. Reagan. Liberty. Atlas Shrugged.  Reagan.  Liberty.

Big Vern:  I just want to complement you, Mr. Paul, on being the only straight talker on this here stage.  Mr. Santorum, do you feel the media has been ignoring you?

Santorum:  Abortion….

Big Vern (cuts off Santorum):  And Ms. Bachmann, it’s been said that you believe strongly in values.  Is this true?

Bachmann:  Curing homosexuality welfare Obamacare (audience boos) good hardworking Americans freedom liberty Christ values Christ Tim Tebow (audience applauds wildly).  Freedom I’m from where the real people live liberty godless heathens cities children puppies apple pie godless communism Christ Tim Tebow Reagan.  Reagan.  Reagan.

Obamacare!  (audience lets loose bloodthirsty shouts)  Our soldiers are brave.  Socialism welfare dead values my opponents people underestimate me because I’m not paying attention.

Big Vern:  And Mr. Perry, how would you change America if elected President?

Perry:  (Unintelligible noises that somewhat resemble English)

Big Vern:  And Mr. Huntsman, clearly with a haircut like yours you are an establishment liberal from Massachusetts who can’t win.  A question for you Mr. Gingrich, now that you are the frontrunner in the field, how likely is it that your past ties to communist organizations like The Heritage Foundation hurt your campaign?

Gingrich:  (while wearing a giant squid on his head)  Fifty four forty or fight!!!!!

(Editors note:  How much sadness, how much horror, how much shame can one nation be subjected to before they see the entire sick, twisted carnival as being too much to bear?  Tell me what can be done….please.  Because this actually does matter.  Because this is not just simply a sideshow for the amusement of a bunch of uninvolved spectators.  Because really important things hang in the balance.  Because we are desperate for people who can help us make sense of the world we live in.  Because this is not entertainment, this is our lives they are talking about.  Because the civic arena was once where we exhibited the best of who we were.  Because there have to be better people who can lead us.  Because there simply has to be more than this.  Right?  Right??!)

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Free Market Anatomy

The Silent Majority

Right Lung, you work hard everyday to move oxygen into the blood stream.  I often find myself thinking that right lungs are the hardest working organs in the body.  What you do is a thankless job.   You are one of the good, hardworking organs.  Many of the other “piker” organs like the liver, the pancreas and the embarrassingly lazy appendix spend their days lollygagging around and benefiting from all the sweat and toil you put in.  They reap the same benefits as you for one tenth of the work.  Now I ask you, is that fair?

What do you get for all your labor….nothing.  Bossed around all day by the Brain.  Sure, the Brain sits up there enjoying the good life while you pump oxygen 24 hours a day without a break.  Only like 10 percent of the Brain even does anything, Lung.  But it feels entitled to tell you what to do?  Who gives it the right?  The Brain thinks it knows everything, but let it spend ten minutes trying to convert angiotensin I to angiotensin II.  Puh-lease!

The Brain wastes all this time consulting with different useless departments like the cerebellum, the parietal lobe and the frontal lobe all the while using the precious oxygen that you generously provide it with.  Sipping coffee and making policy decisions while you pump away.  Enforcing its sadistic code of anatomical correctness.  They redistribute your oxygen to every organ regardless of how hard they work and you get nothing but the short end of the trachea.  What is your reward for all of your effort?  Nothing but lectures on how you should produce more oxygen just because the body is running or underwater.  You go underappreciated while the other organs bask in the rewards of your effort.

Right Lung, I want you to know that there is another way to live.  I’m not sure if you are aware of this but the body is essentially a communistic system.  All the organs benefit equally, no matter how important their contribution is.  What is your incentive to work harder than say, the Left Lung?

As we all know, human nature clearly shows us that we can only be happy if we are pitted against each other in bloodthirsty competition for control of all of the vital resources of the body.  Cooperation between the organs has left the lazy viscera sitting pretty while the diligent, enterprising ones do all the work. Instead of allowing this madness to continue, I propose we move towards an “every organ for itself” system.

If one lung produces oxygen really well, I say why punish it for being good at its job?  It should be allowed to keep as much of the oxygen as it makes.  This way all of the weaker organs will die off and the strong ones will be left to create a better body, without free-riding, parasitic entrails.  Let’s face it, you will not be free until the body stops coddling the slothful and the shiftless.

A truly free market anatomy promises each organ will be judged on its merit as an individual and not held back from producing and consuming anything it wants.  When the body stops forcing all of the organs to work together in some socialistic form of “harmony” and begins to compensate organs for what they contribute and no more, then, and only then will we be free.

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Interview With A Mad Artist

Last week, I got a chance to catch up with one of my favorite artists, Michelle E. Fusco (aka Libertina Grimm).  She has a unique talent for creating enchanting visions of enigmatic musicians.  Her subjects in the past have included Alice Cooper, King Diamond, Jim Morrison and Dani Filth.  She manages to capture the magniloquent beauty of these artists in a way that is both memorable and uncanny.  Recently, she has turned her attention towards rendering the image of Michael Jackson in a respectful and deeply loving manner.

What was the moment you discovered you had artistic talent like for you?

I was about 11 or 12 & mostly I remember being happy to have made my father proud of something I did, because he was very hard to please.

Why do you choose to create art?

Once I discovered I could do it, it became my strongest mode of self-expression, and a very effective escape from troubles, stress and reality.

What artist or artists do you feel the deepest connection to?

I feel the deepest connection(s) to Mozart, Michelangelo, Rene Magritte, Michael Jackson, and Stephen King.

You have created art based on many well-known musicians over the years. What makes you settle on a certain subject to work on?

I am only truly inspired by performers that are “outside the box” and seem to have something speaking through them. Like they’re mad to create or something… I’ve explored music in search of these true artists, to whom creating their music is truly an extension of themselves and their lives. Once I find someone who seems to be REAL in that fashion, I feel I must portray them in some paintings, as if somehow to express my appreciation for their efforts in being real artists.

What about Michael Jackson, your current subject, do you most connect to?

My first thought on this one was ‘what DON’T I connect to?’ . I had a difficult childhood and this leaves one feeling like it was stolen away. I identify with Michael’s eternal child-like qualities and attempts to create his own dream world around himself, and stubbornly (needed to) live there, despite the ‘real’ world’s repeated attempts to tear it down. He had to live in his own reality because no one really understood him. I definitely connect to that. The feeling of isolation, creativity needing to be shared with the world, but yet no one truly understanding it.

Have you ever felt as if you created something that was perfect?

I have never created something perfect. I sometimes have thought I was working on a perfect drawing or painting, or at least one I would be satisfied with, but invariably, somewhere along the way, I end up feeling like I let myself down yet again, didn’t do as well as I had hoped to, & must set my sights on the next project, because apparently the next one is always the best one.

What is beauty?

To me it is some sort of otherworldly aura or essence that is shocking in it’s perfection, whether it’s Dani Filth as a flawless Gothic vampire, or Michael aspiring to the heavens, the wish to create something with a perfect effect is there and is beautiful. Like Michelangelo’s “David”. Perfection of form and grace, but also with a deeper meaning.

What environment are you most comfortable creating in?

I always work at the same old work-desk with a great stereo so I can hear my subjects. I always must create a music program to accompany each project, to create an appropriate ambience/atmosphere. I’ve been doing that since childhood and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t draw anything without the accompanying soundtrack.

If you could no longer create art, what would you do?

If things were as they are now and I could no longer create art, I would die. But if I could have any career as a replacement, like if I had a genie or something? Then I would be a dancer.

What about raising chickens appeals to you?

Chickens are great! They’re funny and sweet, and generally misunderstood. Probably my favorite thing about them is that if you raised them from babies, they’re your friends for life. I have full grown hens that still insist I’m their mother. They bond for life if treated right, which of course makes them excellent pets! I also like to rescue them from bad situations with people who don’t understand and give them proper shelter.  It can be very rewarding. One of my older hens, Ivy, was left without food when her owners moved and couldn’t take chickens to their new place. They just abandoned her. I found her wandering in the road. I took her home and now she’s one of the family.  Chickens need more people who understand that they are intelligent, compassionate creatures worthy of respect and love.

For a look at more of Michelle’s art, check out on her Facebook page or her website

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