Posts Tagged Republican Party
The 657th Republican Debate of The 2012 Presidential Campaign in the State of Iowa as Told By Franz Kafka
“Nansen saw the monks of the eastern and western halls fighting over a cat. He seized the cat and told the monks: “If any of you say a good word, you can save the cat.”
No one answered. So Nansen boldly cut the cat in two pieces.
That evening Joshu returned and Nansen told him about this. Joshu removed his sandals and, placing them on his head, walked out.
Nansen said: “If you had been there, you could have saved the cat.”
-From The Gateless Gate
Announcer: Now, presenting tonight’s debate between the leading candidates for the Republican nomination for the presidency of the United States. Today’s event is sponsored by Big Vern’s Preowned Buicks an independent, freedom-loving outlet for the finest in preowned vehicles in all of suburban Waterloo, Iowa. Here is tonight’s host, former All-American right tackle from the 1978 Sugar Bowl Champion Iowa Hawkeyes, the man who can put you in a Buick for under 10,000 dollars, Big Vern Walters.
Big Vern: Yeah, uhm, thanks. Tonight we are going to talk to some great Americans who may be President if the good lord wills it and chooses to not rain fire and brimstone down on the people of Iowa for embracing Satan and for buying cars made in Japan and other communist countries. So, I digress, here’s the candidates. If you don’t know them by now it’s probably because you’ve been watching CNN, otherwise known as the Commie News Network. (audience laughs on cue) Anyways, lets give a big Iowa welcome to the candidates.
(Audience applauds thunderously in response to the promise made by Big Vern before the debate that if they make the “Applause-O-Meter” reach 10 at least twice, they would get a dollar off coupon that can be used at the local Applebee’s)
(At this point, the candidates paste a big “gosh I hope you can look at me and think I’m the type of guy (or gal) you can sit down and have a beer with” smile on their makeup plastered faces)
Big Vern: As for my first question, here it is. Mitt Romney, Do you think that Obama is a Muslim? If not, why are you protecting him?
Mitt: Americans are were very hardworking them those who hate freedom well twelve Obamacare the enemies of the West those who hate us Obamacare Obamacare measured balanced approach our boys in Afghanistan Reagan them rock and roll is a bunch of mindless noise small businesses tax breaks Reagan fourteen insert joke here experienced leadership.
Gingrich: Let me just interject for a minute. Massachusetts Ted Kennedy liberal noise crickets my plan tax breaks Obamacare job creators those who hate freedom. I have a plan that allows the 29th Amendment to use the Federal Reserve to make bacon. Liberalism I’m an outsider Osama Bin Laden fear tax breaks Obamacare smarter than your average 4th grader thinking man’s conservative values welfare death cheaters awake after three. Obamacare. Liberal. Brain Science. Eliminate the Capital Gains Tax. Reagan.
Big Vern: That’s quite interesting, but Mr. Paul, how would you address the issue of people who make over 250 thousand dollars a year having to give away 3 quarters of their income to people on welfare who don’t want to work for a living?
Paul: Let me first say, Obamacare (audience boos wildly). Founding fathers spinning in graves to the tune of 7 trillion dollars in money spent on welfare in the past 10 seconds Federal Reserve Lizard People death no more taxes Obamacare….
Audience Member: KILL THE HERETIC!!!!!
(Rest of Audience Laughs)
(Applause for no apparent reason)
Paul: Federal Reserve buying cocaine or cannabis shouldn’t be a crime if you happen to drive Mercedes oppression taxation Department of Education selling crack to unwed mothers. And that’s fine. This is America. Rights, Freedom, Liberty. Some obscure historical example Republicans typically don’t use. Freedom. Liberty. Liberty. Reagan. Liberty. Atlas Shrugged. Reagan. Liberty.
Big Vern: I just want to complement you, Mr. Paul, on being the only straight talker on this here stage. Mr. Santorum, do you feel the media has been ignoring you?
Big Vern (cuts off Santorum): And Ms. Bachmann, it’s been said that you believe strongly in values. Is this true?
Bachmann: Curing homosexuality welfare Obamacare (audience boos) good hardworking Americans freedom liberty Christ values Christ Tim Tebow (audience applauds wildly). Freedom I’m from where the real people live liberty godless heathens cities children puppies apple pie godless communism Christ Tim Tebow Reagan. Reagan. Reagan.
Obamacare! (audience lets loose bloodthirsty shouts) Our soldiers are brave. Socialism welfare dead values my opponents people underestimate me because I’m not paying attention.
Big Vern: And Mr. Perry, how would you change America if elected President?
Perry: (Unintelligible noises that somewhat resemble English)
Big Vern: And Mr. Huntsman, clearly with a haircut like yours you are an establishment liberal from Massachusetts who can’t win. A question for you Mr. Gingrich, now that you are the frontrunner in the field, how likely is it that your past ties to communist organizations like The Heritage Foundation hurt your campaign?
Gingrich: (while wearing a giant squid on his head) Fifty four forty or fight!!!!!
(Editors note: How much sadness, how much horror, how much shame can one nation be subjected to before they see the entire sick, twisted carnival as being too much to bear? Tell me what can be done….please. Because this actually does matter. Because this is not just simply a sideshow for the amusement of a bunch of uninvolved spectators. Because really important things hang in the balance. Because we are desperate for people who can help us make sense of the world we live in. Because this is not entertainment, this is our lives they are talking about. Because the civic arena was once where we exhibited the best of who we were. Because there have to be better people who can lead us. Because there simply has to be more than this. Right? Right??!)
(Here’s a great piece that was on CNN’s website last Friday)
(CNN)-After watching him burst from the obscure world of heavy metal music onto the national stage as a Republican candidate for the Presidency, most Americans are asking the same question, “Who is King Diamond?” As of 2010, most political commentators hadn’t even heard the album Fatal Portrait let alone considered him to be a possible challenger to Barack Obama’s Presidency. However, the past few months have seen a whirlwind of political action by The King, including solving the debt crisis, helping to overthrow Mubarak’s government in Egypt and giving a speech in front of 2 million screaming, poorly-dressed metalheads at this month’s Million Metalhead March.
Not only is The King gathering a flood of support from disaffected Republicans (as well as some Democrats), his shadowy political action committee, known as THEM, has raised over 13 million dollars in less than 2 weeks. In order to understand King Diamond’s appeal to voters, it is first important to learn about his fascinating background. In many ways, The King’s story is America’s story.
Kim Bendix Peterson was born in Copenhagen, Denmark in 1739. He was the son of Per Peterson, a blacksmith, and Abigail Peterson, a blood-drinking witch who was a direct descendant of the God Poseidon. He was an intelligent young man who was deeply interested in alchemy, local politics and dead animals. When he turned 16, he had his first meeting with the Dark Lord Satan, who was working as a science teacher at The King’s high school. Satan, who was impressed by young Kim’s quick wit and nimble mind, became something of a mentor to him. “I remember when I first met him,” said Satan in an exclusive interview with CNN last week, “you could just tell he was going to do great things.”
When Kim turned 21, he officially took on the name King Diamond during a ritual sacrifice of Copenhagen’s largest water buffalo. The King was immediately given the powers of invisibility, the ability to cast spells on those he felt were deserving of torment and the occasional ability to raise the dead. Satan worried that The King might be taking on too much at a young age, but Diamond was able to keep things in perspective, rising to the role of Dark Prince in a span of less than five years.
Things haven’t always been easy for The King. Diamond has had to overcome several major obstacles in his life including a yearlong bout with bubonic plague and his grandmother’s devastating battle with mental illness. However, nothing compares to the horrible four year stretch where he was dead back in the 1840s. After being burned at the stake by wild-eyed French farmers who believed he caused blight on their crops, he was trapped in a darkened purgatory for what seemed like eternity. Eventually Charon, the ferryman on the river Styx, found the King screaming falsetto Latin choruses at passing demons and led him out of the realm of eternal darkness. “I felt like The King still had so much evil to bring to the world,” said Charon in his biography “Rollin’ On The River of The Dead: A Memoir”, “so I took pity on his soul and returned him to the world of the living. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
After his return to earth, The King became involved in politics, eventually landing a high-ranking position as Ambassador to Russia under President Teddy Roosevelt. While in the Roosevelt administration, Diamond accidently helped to negotiate the end of the Russo-Japanese War. For his work, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize along with the President, an Award that he tossed into a blazing fire moments after he received it. Things turned sour between him and Roosevelt soon after when the President refused to allow Satan to take control of Arizona, which he believed Satan rightfully won from the President in a game of poker. The King became disillusioned with politics and travelled to the Far East in order to learn meditation techniques from several enlightened masters.
The King returned to Europe in the 1970s and began his career as a musician, believing that music was the best way to spread his message of unbridled horror to the world. After stints in bands like Brainstorm and Black Rose, the King truly found his calling in the 1980s fronting metal legends Mercyful Fate. Along with the seven studio albums he recorded with Fate, he also put together twelve magnificent studio records as a solo artist. After seeing what he referred to as the “embarrassing state of American politics”, he decided it was time to return and save America from the “tyranny of the painfully stupid”. The King plans to bring a no-nonsense approach to governing that includes a more equitable tax code and the return of the guillotine. He has a bold, striking vision for America that many consider radical. However, in these troubled times, a radical message like his may be just what Americans are looking for.