Posts Tagged Satan
(Soothing light jazz plays under the deep, soothing announcer’s voice)
Everybody has been there before. You have a huge party coming up later in the evening; you have oily skin, nothing to wear and the spirit of the demon Pazuzu inhabiting your body. Lucky for you, Exfoliations and Exorcisms can get you ready for that big night on the town.
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Next time your afternoon is turning into a living hell, stop by Exfoliations and Exorcisms. We have 18 area locations where you can be washed in the cool, soothing waters of eternal damnation. Call us at 1-800-CALMAWAITS to schedule your consultation and pick up your free pint of yak’s blood.
(This is probably the first article in history written using the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style. When you get to the bottom of the page, click on the link that leads you in the direction you want to go in)
You are called into the Pope’s office at 3 o’clock in the morning. You were summoned by the Vatican because of your impressive track record of killing demons and vegetarians. Back in 2008, you saved the entire city of Cleveland from the wrath of Belial. In 2010, you entered the netherworld and rescued Raiders quarterback Ken “Snake” Stabler, who was sent to Hell by God during a high stakes all night poker game with Satan. Thanks to you, Stabler is alive and well, living in Foley, Alabama.
The Pope seeks your help. He has heard that a demon known as Rotmensen has been living inside Deicide singer Glen Benton for the past 20 years. He has been using Benton as a way of spreading the word of Satan to the souls of metalheads and yoga practicioners and has succeeded in causing great harm to this world. The Pope is particularly angry about the Deicide concert he attended in Argentina last year. Benton showed up an hour late and they only played four songs because of an issue with the club’s management. The Pope had only experienced this sort of insolence once before, at a Sly and The Family Stone concert in 1978, and swore that if he became Pope the demon inside of Benton would be punished.
He has offered you great wealth, fame and the first four Manowar albums on vinyl in return for exorcising the demon in Benton. If you choose to go, you will be accompanied by the priest who performed the exorcism on Cronos back in 1996. He is world renowned for his ability to exorcise particularly evil, heavy metal ghouls. If you are defeated by the demon, your soul may forever be damned to the worst neighborhoods in Hell.
Here we go again! In the hopes of cashing in on a trend that seems to never go away, Florida death metal legends have become the 318th band to record an album focusing on the obvious connection between Satanism and yoga. The album, tentatively titled “Hellward Facing Dog”, is scheduled for release in September in an attempt to not coincide with the hundreds of satanic yoga albums due out this summer.
Since the release of Virginia Republican Lieutenant Gubernatorial candidate E.W. Jackson’s 2008 book Ten Commandments To An Extraordinary Life: Making Your Dreams Come True, which claims that yoga opens the soul to tampering by the devil, a nearly endless stream of Satan-themed yoga metal albums have come and gone. “The connection is so obvious it seems passé at this point,” said lifetime yoga practitioner and devil worshiper Billy “Gore Tornado” Yee, “it’s obvious that if you engage in a spiritual practice that in any way steps outside the Western religious tradition or that seems, well, weird, you are bound to have your soul turned into Swiss cheese by the Dark Lord himself. It was just a matter of time before the metal world caught up.”
Boy, have they ever caught up! Satanic yoga metal classes have moved from fringe exercises performed by a legion of hate mongering savages to a regular activity taught at your local YMCA. Morbid Angel’s yoga video “Sweatin’ With Satan” was the number 3 workout video in the country in 2009. The classic “horns-up” metal salute has been jettisoned in favor of a Buddhist hand mudra. Moshing, once common at metal shows, has been replaced by groups of angry, tee shirt clad metalheads reciting mantras while seated in lotus position.
Deicide frontman Glen Benton, a “satanic purist” who had previously claimed to have no interest in the yogafying the band’s sound, has recently embraced the ancient art and even appeared on the television show “The View” to do poses with host Elizabeth Hasselbeck. During the show, Benton admitted he was wrong about yoga and had never really taken the time to consider how sitting quietly in meditation and reconnecting with his body would allow him to unlock the “Satan within” that he had been seeking most of his adult life. Benton went on to say that Deicide was considering using the next tour to promote even more controversial satanic practices like playing soccer and eating yogurt.
Westboro Baptist Church To Protest Funeral of Iron Maiden Guitarist Janick Gers; Gers Claims He’s Not Dead
The Westboro Baptist Church is at it again. This time, they have planned a massive protest at the funeral of Iron Maiden guitar player Janick Gers. There is only one problem; Gers believes that he is not dead.
“The whole thing is preposterous! My pulse is beating….you want to feel it,” claimed Gers to a roomful of skeptical reporters.
In spite of Gers protestations, the Internet has been filled with articles about his passing into the afterlife. Facebook has registered over 10,000 “RIP Janick” posts in the last several days. The Westboro Baptist Church has already flown 4,000 protestors to Des Moines, Iowa, where Gers’ memorial service is supposed to be held next week. Yet, in the face of overwhelming evidence, Gers will simply not admit that he is dead.
“You have to believe me! I’m alive! ALIVE!!!!!!” howled Gers as he fended off two EMTs who were trying to force him to lie down on a stretcher in order to be transported to the morgue.
The cause of death is yet to be determined and probably will not be until Gers agrees to an autopsy. So far, he has refused to be dissected. “If he’s alive, then let’s have him prove it,” said Des Moines Chief Medical Examiner Claude Perineum, “if we get in there and find out he’s telling the truth, we will immediately stich him back up and send him on his way. Otherwise, he’s just being dishonest and wasting the time and money of the taxpayers.”
While many in the metal world have grieved the supposed passing of Gers, Westboro Baptist Church leader Fred Phelps has been overjoyed. Phelps, who believes that America is being punished for its acceptance of gays and lesbians and its tolerance for high amounts of fluoride in the water supply, has already arrived in Iowa for the funeral. According to Phelps, “the decadent lifestyle and love of Satan preached by these British ne’er-do-wells has eroded the moral fabric of America. Iron Maiden’s singer, Ron Halford, is, in fact, an admitted homosexual!!!”
At a rally last night at The Des Moines Church of Christ The Climate Change Denier, Phelps announced that he had in his possession proof that heavy metal is a Trojan horse being used to turn America into a “breeding ground for the gay way of life”. “In my hand right now is a list of 205 homosexuals in the heavy metal world!” hollered Phelps with his grocery list grasped tightly and held over his head.
Many Iron Maiden fans plan to attend the memorial service whether Gers is dead or not. “Iron Maiden is the greatest band of all-time and, even though no one can figure out why they needed a third guitarist, this is indeed a terrible loss, if it is true, which it might not be,” said devout Maiden listener Kent Tekulve, who plans on walking over 1,000 miles from his home in Flagstaff, Arizona to the service.
Deicide vocalist Glen Benton has gained a reputation over the years of being mean-spirited and callous. There was the time shot a squirrel with a pellet gun during an interview, or the time where he interrupted Christmas service at a local Tampa church by jokingly crucifying a senior citizen, or the time he sold chemical weapons to former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. However, as we all know, even in the darkest and cruelest of human hearts, there is a bright light that shines. No better example of this exists than what took place in Clearwater, Florida on Wednesday night.
Benton was walking home from his weekly Bible study and burning at a local Denny’s when he noticed a fire had broken out in a single family home. Benton witnessed a man and a woman out on the curb screaming about a small baby trapped in the burning hulk of a building.
Without a moments thought, Benton rushed into the house, climbed two flights of smoke filled stairs and burst through the door of the infants room. The stairs had become impassible so Benton tucked the baby into his jacket and leaped out the window grabbing a tree with his free arm. There he hung in agony for seven minutes waiting for the fire trucks to arrive.
At this point, a small crowd of neighbors had gathered round. As the firemen helped Benton down from the tree they began to applaud his amazing feat of bravery. When he reached the ground and ran to the street, the group surrounded Benton and began thank him as tears of joy streamed down their faces.
In all the excitement and commotion, he threw the baby as far as he could. It landed with a horrible thud in the smoldering wreck of a house. The crowd was so stunned by Benton’s selfless actions, they ignored the burning child and lifted them onto their shoulders, carrying him up and down the street while singing the chorus from “Dead By Dawn”.
This isn’t the first time Benton has done something truly beautiful in service of his fellow human. Back in 1998, Glen donated his earlobes and nose to a seven-year-old child who needed them to survive. In 2003, he began a shelter for injured llamas and three-legged-pigs, which he runs out of the basement of his house to this day. He spends his weekends helping to nurse sick baby woodchucks back to health at the local Tampa Zoo.
Glen’s work with one particular charity is particularly impressive. He donated most of the profits of the Deicide album “The Stench of Redemption” to Brands For Babies, a non-profit organization that helps small children get inverted crosses burned into their foreheads. Benton is the national spokesman for the organization and has helped over 50,000 infants get the mark of Satan on their heads since 2006.
Of course, he will be remembered for creating some of the most punishing and horrifying music ever to be recorded, but there is a softer, more loving side to Glen Benton that few people see. If you look past his menacing Manson-like countenance, his frightening behavior and his cold, dead eyes, you’re likely to see a man with a heart of gold.