Posts Tagged Varg Vikernes

Varg’s True Motives

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Varg Vikernes Suspended For 4 Games By NFL For Using Deflated Murder Weapons

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The NFL has suspended Jacksonville Quislings quarterback Varg Vikernes for four games for deflating the footballs he used to beat nine French tourists to death last year.

The league called the discipline “relating to the use of underinflated footballs as tools of death and dismemberment” necessary to stop behavior “detrimental to the integrity of the league.”

Vikernes, who went on an anti-French murder rampage outside of the team’s stadium after Jacksonville’s 51-7 loss to the Houston Frotteurists in December, believed that “someone had to take a stand against their decadent lifestyle, Jewish tendencies and obsession with flaky pastries”.

While Vikernes would not deny his participation in what the media is calling #Deceasegate, he claims that the footballs used were regulation sized. According to his agent Mehlvin Goehring, “Vikernes would not willingly use undersized footballs in order to murder French people. His commitment to the proper use of regulation murder weapons is unparalleled in both the NFL and the black metal community.”

Vikernes Only Hours Before Killing Nine Frenchmen With Underinflated Footballs

Vikernes Only Hours Before Killing Nine Frenchmen With Underinflated Footballs

Sports talk radio was aflame with anti-Vikernes rhetoric today. On ESPN’s morning radio show “Mike and The Barely Coherent Mook”, host Mike Greenback opined, “You can’t just murder people with underinflated footballs. There are rules that must be followed!”

“What sort of league would we have if players just went around killing one another with weapons not approved by the NFL? What if the Bears wanted to knock Aaron Rodgers out for the playoffs and threw a toaster oven in the bathtub with him instead of using NFL approved arsenic in his coffee? Or if the New England Bartholin Glands decided to bludgeon Abbath to death with a sledgehammer instead of stabbing him multiple times in the face with a regulation sized kitchen knife? It’s a slippery slope if you’re not playing on a level playing field.”

According to ESPN afternoon host Clam Cowheart, “See if you can follow me here… it’s not the actual murders that made the NFL punish Vikernes. He murdered French people. Americans HATE the French! They changed the name of fries to Freedom Fries in this country after a group that wasn’t EVEN FROM France attacked the US.”

“No one cares about Vikernes killing some French people whether he used regulation-sized footballs or mini-footballs or waffle irons. It’s the cover up. If Vikernes had come out right away and said ‘Yeah..I killed a few Frenchmen with some underinflated footballs’ the public would have forgiven him in a second. Just like Nixon…if he had told the truth right away he would have gotten a third term. He’d probably still be President today. It’s the lie that gets you in trouble.  Has been since the beginning of time.”

Several former NFL players attempted to go on the record in support of Vikernes, but due to severe head injuries they received while participating in the sport they were incapable of uttering anything besides a few grunting, gurgling noises.

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Metallica To Donate 1 Percent Of Profits From Album To Victims of Being Trapped Under Ice

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Heavy metal is known as a type of music that promotes Satanism, debauchery and ritualistic homicide. For years, bands like Varg Vikernes and Megadeath have celebrated the suffering of millions in order to sell record albums. In a bold step to forever alter the image of heavy metal, Metallica has decided to take a look at the man in the mirror and make a change.

After the band visited a hospital ward in Blaine, Minnesota filled with children who had been trapped under ice, the members of Metallica have decided to give back the best way they know how. With money.

In the last 20 years, nearly one million Americans have been trapped under ice. This can lead to hypothermia and really bad cardiopulmonary stuff. Being trapped under ice is the 179th leading killer in America today, just behind accidentally dropping a toaster in the bathtub and hoof-in-mouth disease. Awareness of this national crisis is critical in order to raise awareness of this national crisis.

According to Metallica spokesman Chuck Ponzi, “It is critical that the public understand that Metallica really cares about people. We wanted to take pictures of them at a leper colony, but that was deemed too dangerous, so instead they decided to help The National Trapped Under Ice Foundation battle against other diseases for the charity dollars of millions of Americans.”

“It’s a win-win situation. People can absolve themselves of the responsibility of having to actually take action to help others all while enjoying a fabulous new album. Also, by bringing awareness to this vital cause Metallica can rehabilitate their reputation as money-grubbing swine and make absurd amounts of money in the process.”

“The guys have been talking a lot lately about wanting to make a difference. The other day when they were at a local Starbucks drinking seven-dollar coffees, it became clear how they could do it. Starbucks gives two percent from every beverage sold to save the rainforests. Why can’t Metallica sell their brand in the same way?  Let the public spend money on things they want and let them feel like good people for doing it!”

Several bands have already jumped in with ideas on how to create a better world while hawking useless consumer goods. As of today, two percent of every Immolation tee-shirt sold will go to burn victims while MOD will donate the proceeds from three percent of every hoodie sold to those suffering from AIDS. Even Kiss is getting into the act by donating a full .0000001 percent of sales of Kiss lunchboxes to help fight depression.

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Report: Varg Vikernes To Join Israeli Army

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Varg Vikernes fighting to protect the Jewish homeland of Israel? Impossible, some would say. Yet according to a source believed to be Vikernes himself, he plans to do just that.

After years of veiled Holocaust denial and general disdain for Jews, Varg has come full circle and embraced the state of Israel. According to a quote on a message board called “Odinists For Israel”, VargVikernes88 declared “For years, I have thought the state of Israel was a disgrace. Then, I thought about it and realized that I have more in common with them then most so-called Nordic peoples.”

“After all, what group better epitomizes the term “Blood and Soil” more than the Israelis?  Kibbutzes, segregation and violence against groups that “threaten” their homeland and way of life. Sign me up!”

Some speculated that the quote wasn’t actually from Varg, but from one of the thousands of Varg impersonators that inhabit the Internet. However, the avatar used by VargVikernes88 was, in fact, a picture of Varg, proving beyond a shadow of doubt that Vikernes was responsible for the posts.

In a post only hours later, VargVikernes88 clarified his earlier remarks by stating “Look, I still find people from other races disgusting and all.   But, you gotta admit, the whole Chosen People thing comes awful close to holding yourselves above other races just like a true Odinist would.”

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“Allowing valiant warriors who are not afraid to commit war crimes like Ariel Sharon to become leader of the nation. Taking ownership of land and displacing an entire people based on some ancient historical claim!!! What Odinist wouldn’t be deeply moved by these actions?”

“I wish our people were clever enough to imprison an entire group and shell civilian neighborhoods with rockets in order to eliminate enemies in the name of counter terrorism. But we have lost our nerve.”

“The best part is, Israel constantly trumpets its record of democracy for Israelis, all the while limiting the rights of Palestinians. Democratic Fascism! Only a great people could think of such an ingenious way to get away with anything they want.”

“I plan to immigrate there immediately and join in their struggle. Perhaps then I will get a chance to kill more innocent people.”

While only months earlier the French government fined Vikernes for making racist claims on several Internet sites, today they too have come full circle. The French government has decided to award Vikernes “The Charles de Gaulle Medal of Tolerance” reserved for people who strive to support the persecuted around the world.

According to French spokesman, Colonel Jean Mathieu, Varg’s turnaround is “an inspirational story that should prove that any racist can change their lives and become more tolerant as long as they find the right people to oppress.”

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True Norwegian Black Friday: The Story Behind Extreme Nordic Capitalism

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“All hail the instigators of northern consumerism, Thanksgiving ist krieg!” says the grandmother of three who wears corpse paint as they walk by a newlywed couple expecting their first child at a store in Hopkins, Minnesota. The jovial scene and festivities inspire the lovers so much, they decide to name their firstborn Borknagar.

True Norwegian Black Friday has come a long way since 1950’s America, when it was first introduced to the country by the Minnesota Vikings. They brought the tradition from Scandinavia after their 1951 tour with Danzig in hopes of recreating the low prices and tales of Satanic elves they found in Helvete, a store in Norway.

The Tyranny of Tradition editorial staff spared no expense to search the truth behind the late November sales and traveled to Oslo, where Mortiis (born Mortimer Håvard Ellefsen), former Emperor bass player, manages the local chain of stores Varg-Mart, infamous for their slogan: Vi dolke høye priser i hodet! (We stab high prices in the head!). Their headquarter is conveniently located in what used to be Helvete, where Euronymous, Norwegian Black Metal pioneer, and Edmond Adolphe de Rothschild, Jewish banker, formed the alliance to sell extreme records at low prices.

“The Scandinavian tradition started when Allfather Odin was on a budget after wedding Frigga, known as Rene Russo in times before the light, and he needed to covet weapons for Ragnarok to fight the frost giant fanatics of the Sarpsborg band. While in the gardening department of a Nordstrom store, Odin fought a local hippie named Olaff over the last Gungnir in existence (a naturist brand of spearlike sticks used for planting seeds) and lost an eye in the altercation. The Ruler of Asgard sued the company and won a fortune. The court also sentenced the retailer to close all of its gardening departments to avoid further confrontations and eye loss.”

“Odin used his money to start the furniture company Ikea and take a vacation in Amsterdam, where he started a bromance with his fellow beard enthusiast Santa Claus, A.K.A. Sinterklaas, a sailor with an extensive record of breaking and entering into private property. They plotted together a pyramid scheme that consisted in giving children gifts and sticking their parents with the bill in the name of their other bearded acquaintance, Jesus, who they didn’t really like.”

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After we learned the history of Black Friday, Mortiis was kind enough to hook us up with an exclusive interview with Burzum International CEO, Lord of the Rings cosplayer, and advocate of all True Scandinavian traditions Varg Vikernes, who currently resides in France.*

“I’m not a Nazi. All of my banking friends are Jewish, and this is not a Swastika I’m wearing, it’s Fylfot, Thor’s ninja throwing star.” Stated the musician before we asked anything.

“Even though the holiday started in another country before any of us were born, it was people like Fenriz and myself who gave it its true identity. Me and a bunch of easily-impressionable kids came up with burning down churches as a publicity stunt that would bring business to both Christian contractors and Black Metal artists. It’s all about keeping the capital flowing. Look at what happened with the hostile takeover of Helvete. Euronymous wasn’t making any profit out of our church-burning meshuggah just because of his absurd hippie ideologies. Things needed to change rapidly, because we knew True Norwegian Black Metal is about making a buck.”

“Darkthrone records their music with an answering machine, uses Xerox copies for their cover art and there you go, you have a LP with a retail price that costs as much as a Behemoth album but didn’t waste money in production value. Hell, I’ve done it over and over again. I recorded a couple of albums from prison** with the cheapest synthesizer money can buy, wrote a bunch of repetitive Summoning rip-offs in a couple of hours and BOOM, I’m monetising my incarceration.”

“I’m very happy to see True Norwegian Black Friday has made it’s way to the American November, with the bargains and people wearing construction nails in hopes of poking someone’s eye out as they fight for a cheap X-Box One, re-enacting the greatest battle of Allfather Odin.”

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Burzum’s latest album titled Det Som En Gangvar Style was released on November 1st. It’s a new all-synth ambient CD that mixes long folk passages with hardcore elevator music recorded with the raw Necrojungle signature beats Vikernes has made popular. The ten minute jingles of the album are being played in malls and department stores all throughout America, and it makes a swell present for all the family!

Image*Vikernes exiled himself from Norway after a tape of himself and Sonja, Queen of Norway, in compromising positions was leaked and available on Netflix Scandinavia.

**The artist formerly known as Accountant Grishnackh was prosecuted for insurance fraud and larceny in 1994. He pulled the scam by getting a life insurance for bandmate Euronymous, hiding him in a trunk for 19 years, claiming the insurance money, and taking over his business.

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Varg Vikernes Arrested In France On Suspicion Of Flushing Oranges Down Toilet

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In the early hours of the morning on Saturday, black metal legend and media icon Varg Vikernes was arrested by French police on suspicion of being the mastermind of a devious plot to cause mayhem in France.  Vikernes, who was staying at  L’Hotel Aisselle in Paris, purchased a bag of oranges and flushed one down the hotel’s toilet “in the name of Odin”.  The event, which led to Vikernes’ arrest and incarceration, caused him to be immediately suspended as host of the top rated Norwegian children’s television show “This Little Quisling”.

By flushing the oranges, Varg hoped to destroy the hotel’s plumbing causing untold confusion and panic in the city, eventually leading to the collapse of the French government.  In the ensuing chaos, the government would be replaced by a proto-fascist black metal dictatorship.  After the first orange was flushed, Vikernes was captured by an alert member of the hotel’s maintenance staff and detained until French police arrived.  During a 47-hour interrogation, Vikernes revealed he was planning an orange flushing spree throughout the city of Paris that would “rival the German invasion of France in the 1950’s”.

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Vikernes is no stranger to controversy.  Back in 1992, he was arrested in Trondheim for feeding seagulls Alka-Seltzer in an attempt to cause them to explode.  During a 1993 sleepover, Varg was accused of putting warm water in Mayhem vocalist Attila Csihar’s hand in an attempt to cause him to wet his bed.  Charges in both cases were dropped for lack of evidence, but in 1994, Varg was given six months in prison for putting a whoopee cushion on the chair of Trondheim mayor Marvin Wiseth’s chair during a press conference moments before he sat down.

While in prison, Vikernes dreamed up the musical project he’d be best known for, Burzum.  Using a diabolical mixture of raw black metal and elevator music, Vikernes’ has inspired a generation of talented, potentially employable young people to pursue careers in creating poorly produced, inaudible music for almost no one.  His music, which is both deeply personal and horribly unlistenable (much like the poetry of an alienated, disaffected 6th grader), pays homage to Varg’s two greatest influences, Adolf Hitler and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

The threat of oranges being flushed down the toilet is not only considered a major concern in France.  In an effort to protect Americans from dangerous orange flushing related activities, the US government today banned all oranges from domestic and international flights, wiretapped the phones of twelve Carmelite nuns in Arizona suspected of “orange-growing activities” and used drones to attack a village in Pakistan.

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Kindergarten Boy Suspended For His Distracting “Burzum” Forehead Tattoo

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When 5-year-old Decrepitude Knudsen showed up at school with the word “Burzum” tattooed on his forehead his fellow kindergarteners thought it was cool.  But administrators at the Lieutenant William J. Calley elementary school in Xenia, Ohio deemed the edgy tattoo “completely terrifying “ and “way too Thulean” and ordered him to have it removed before returning to school.

His mom, Quorthena Knudsen, said that school officials suspended her child on Tuesday because the principal and his teachers were a part of the International Zionist Conspiracy.  She also claimed there were several kids walking around the school with Ludacris, Matisyahu and Lil B tattoos on their foreheads who haven’t been punished.  The school, which considers itself a “wellspring of tolerance” and has taken a “zero tolerance towards individual expression” policy, vehemently denies her claims.

“They all seen his tat and was like ‘you must be into that Germanic neopaganism’” she told WINO-TV in Toledo.  “All the kids was comin’ up to him and askin’ if he was a proto-Odinist skinhead.”

Superintendent Peter von Hagenbach says that’s why they had to send little Decrepitude home.

“Our dress and grooming policies were designed to ensure that neo-volkish black metal forehead tattoos do not cause a distraction in class,” von Hagenbach said in a statement.

The school’s handbook clearly states that “No black metal tattoos will be allowed above the shoulders” and specifies that “children should look as if they are carbon copies of one another unless afflicted by some physical condition that causes them to be not as God intended.”

“We can’t possibly expect our school to function unless every single person strives for complete conformity,” von Hagenbach confirmed to WINO, “While we respect his interest in identifying with a movement that, at its core, prizes mind-numbingly stupid adherence to order and authority over everything else, we need him to follow the appropriate social norms.  There is no “I” in team, you know?”

While a suspension in kindergarten will only moderately hurt his chances at getting into a good college, many are concerned that his dismissal from the school’s R.O.T.C. program will put him on a path towards lawlessness and poor personal hygiene.  “How is he expected to learn important life skills like how to stifle his creativity and how to be indistinguishable from the mob of mindless drones around him if he doesn’t get this sort of training at a young age?” said his grandmother Necromantia Rotmensen.

In 2009, a volunteer football coach at the school wore a full SS uniform to school in an attempt to motivate his team and received no reprimand.  When asked about this obvious discrepancy in treatment, Superintendent von Hagenbach commented, “It was obvious that Coach Leucotomy didn’t mean to actually imply support of the Nazis.  Rather, he meant to motivate the players to a higher standard of efficiency so that they could be the best they could be.  Most importantly, the SS uniform did not disrupt the school day.  Some teachers have actually claimed that the students did better on the standardized tests they took in 2009 because of Coach L’s brave stand for the virtues of cleanliness, respect and discipline.”

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