Posts Tagged NFL
The NFL has suspended Jacksonville Quislings quarterback Varg Vikernes for four games for deflating the footballs he used to beat nine French tourists to death last year.
The league called the discipline “relating to the use of underinflated footballs as tools of death and dismemberment” necessary to stop behavior “detrimental to the integrity of the league.”
Vikernes, who went on an anti-French murder rampage outside of the team’s stadium after Jacksonville’s 51-7 loss to the Houston Frotteurists in December, believed that “someone had to take a stand against their decadent lifestyle, Jewish tendencies and obsession with flaky pastries”.
While Vikernes would not deny his participation in what the media is calling #Deceasegate, he claims that the footballs used were regulation sized. According to his agent Mehlvin Goehring, “Vikernes would not willingly use undersized footballs in order to murder French people. His commitment to the proper use of regulation murder weapons is unparalleled in both the NFL and the black metal community.”
Sports talk radio was aflame with anti-Vikernes rhetoric today. On ESPN’s morning radio show “Mike and The Barely Coherent Mook”, host Mike Greenback opined, “You can’t just murder people with underinflated footballs. There are rules that must be followed!”
“What sort of league would we have if players just went around killing one another with weapons not approved by the NFL? What if the Bears wanted to knock Aaron Rodgers out for the playoffs and threw a toaster oven in the bathtub with him instead of using NFL approved arsenic in his coffee? Or if the New England Bartholin Glands decided to bludgeon Abbath to death with a sledgehammer instead of stabbing him multiple times in the face with a regulation sized kitchen knife? It’s a slippery slope if you’re not playing on a level playing field.”
According to ESPN afternoon host Clam Cowheart, “See if you can follow me here… it’s not the actual murders that made the NFL punish Vikernes. He murdered French people. Americans HATE the French! They changed the name of fries to Freedom Fries in this country after a group that wasn’t EVEN FROM France attacked the US.”
“No one cares about Vikernes killing some French people whether he used regulation-sized footballs or mini-footballs or waffle irons. It’s the cover up. If Vikernes had come out right away and said ‘Yeah..I killed a few Frenchmen with some underinflated footballs’ the public would have forgiven him in a second. Just like Nixon…if he had told the truth right away he would have gotten a third term. He’d probably still be President today. It’s the lie that gets you in trouble. Has been since the beginning of time.”
Several former NFL players attempted to go on the record in support of Vikernes, but due to severe head injuries they received while participating in the sport they were incapable of uttering anything besides a few grunting, gurgling noises.
The Greeks today announced that star warrior Achilles would be out indefinitely with a torn Achilles tendon. The news came as a shock to many Greek fans who believed Achilles to be invincible. The injury, sustained when a stray arrow fired by that skinny little punk Paris hit him in the foot, could potentially be career threatening. Achilles struggled to his feet and limped away into the distance cursing Paris as well as the god Apollo, who he blamed directly for his injury. In a 2 PM press conference an enraged, tearful Achilles swore an oath “upon the throne of Zeus” to be back in time for the playoffs.
The news of Achilles injury is another in a long line of stories about the troubled, mercurial but amazingly talented superstar. Achilles has just recently returned from a two month hold out because of The Greeks’ failure to guarantee his war prize and love Briseis in his contract. He also was recently suspended by commissioner Roger Goodell for the flagrant destruction of Hector’s Body and his refusal to return it to The Trojans. Achilles is a wildly popular figure among the fans of the Greeks, but many warriors from around the league have grown tired of him acting like a heel.
The major injury to Achilles is part of a rash of recent injuries that have hampered the Greeks. In the past week, several pivotal performers have sustained serious injuries including tight end JerMicheal Finley (hamstring), King Agamemnon (axe through head) and Patroclus (death). The Greeks will be relying on their heavily depleted bench in order to defeat the great Trojan War Machine this Sunday on the frozen tundra of Ilium. Las Vegas odds-makers have moved the line from Greeks by 5 to Trojans by 2 since news of Achilles injury hit the wire.
As every sports fan knows, August is the month in which the media spends an inordinate amount of time discussing whether Brett Favre will stay retired or not. This has been a solid tradition in American sports journalism going back to the 1920s. I was a bit concerned that the month was almost a day old and I had not heard a Favre story. Then came this morning’s press conference. As a service to the American public, who would surely collapse into fits of stifling depression without their hourly Brett Favre fix, I present to you the transcript from today’s press conference.
Brett Favre sits at a table in front of a microphone wearing a tee shirt, a baseball cap and jeans. Hundreds of excited journalists sit drooling with blind, wild, animal enthusiasm coursing through their veins.
Favre: I don’t want to take too much of your time today. There has been some speculation that I would be returning to the NFL this season. I want to set the record straight. I am retired, I will stay retired, and that’s the end of it. I have no idea why people keep bringing up my return to football, but to be clear, I am not coming back.
Reporter #1: Mr. Favre, is their any truth to the rumor that you considered returning to the Green Bay Packers this season?
Favre: Well, I’ve been in negotiations with the Packers for the last two weeks. I’d like to take this moment and officially announce I will be returning to the NFL as a Green Bay Packer this season.
Reporter #2: But, Mr. Favre, I don’t understand, you just said you would not be returning to the NFL this year?
Favre: See, now you are putting words in my mouth. I called this press conference today to announce that I will be returning to the NFL as a New York Giant. The Giants don’t need a quarterback, but they have told me I can be their punter.
Reporter #3: Wait, Mr. Favre, so….please help me understand.
Favre: This has been a difficult decision, but today, I’m proud to announce that I have decided to become a professional baseball player. I will start out in Birmingham with the White Sox minor league affiliate and hopefully will be in the majors by next spring.
Reporter #4: But, Brett….I…….What?!?!?!
Favre: Thank you so much for coming today. I would like to take this moment to announce that I am going to become a real Viking. I plan on dressing up like Leif Erickson and exploring Nova Scotia.
Reporter #5: Wait….wait…Mr….
Favre: There has been a lot of speculation as to my plans for next season. I want to make it clear in no uncertain terms that I plan to move to Burma. There, I will be working to overthrow the military junta that controls that country. I was considering returning to the NFL, but this cause is much more important.
Reporter #6: Mr. FARVE….please…..help us….we all have stories to write……we can’t deal with this sort of uncertainty…..please….help us…..
Favre: Let me be clear. There have been a lot of rumors about my return to the NFL. The media just seems to run wild with irrational ideas. Let me be 100 percent clear with you. I plan next season to undergo surgery that will merge my body with a mountain goat creating a Minotaur-like creature.
Reporter #7: Okay…okay…you’ve said a lot of conflicting things here. Please settle on one story…
Favre: You know…I don’t appreciate being pushed to make a decision. I called this press conference to end all of the wild speculation. So….let me announce today, without a shadow of doubt, that I plan on becoming the color orange next year. Wherever there is orange, a small bit of my soul will appear. I will be in orange paint, orange juice, oranges, orange sherbet, orange tee shirts, basketball rims….everywhere! I will be orange!
Reporter #8: It’s not possible for a human being….wait…
Favre: Listen, I want to end all of the speculation right now. I have never actually existed. I am a collection of illusory particles sent to earth from the planet Zuhro in the Nubuloid sector of Bode’s Galaxy. All the memories you have of me were implanted in your minds as a practical joke. There never was a Brett Favre. My fellow Hehroites was simply having fun at your expense. You participated in a long-term collective hallucination in the hopes of amusing beings that were very bored.
And with that, Favre disappeared in a giant burst of blue light….