Posts Tagged heavy metal

Top 10 Metal Albums From 2104 List or Whatever

This Article Is Pretty Mediocre, So I Figured I'd Distract You By Putting A Danzig Meme On Top of It

I’ll Be Honest With You, This Article Is Pretty Lousy.  However, I Thought I Might Distract You From That Painful Fact With A Danzig Meme.

2014 certainly was a year. It went by quickly and more of us were born than died. So, I guess things are looking up.

There were at least 10 incredible metal albums that came out this year. Unfortunately, I haven’t listened to any of them.

However, I am strong believer in the principles of jurnalizmcore (whatever they may be) and feel it is my solemn obligation to inflict upon you my opinion on what the best albums to come out in the past year were.

10. Licking Nutella Out Of a Goat’s Armpit

by A Plethora of Ants Eating The Lining of My Stomach

The second effort from this 93-piece grindcore orchestra from Wheeling, West Virginia turned heads by becoming the first CD in the history of heavy metal to explode when placed in any sort of listening device.   So far, over 917 people have been maimed or killed by the record.

9.You And I Both Have Horrible Sores And Boils All Over Our Faces But We Are Still Human Beings And Deserve To Be Treated With Respect and Dignity

by Kankles On The Legs of Satan’s Younger Brother Ralph

This pop-power metal noise polka Eucharistcore mummy alphabet chicken Montreal haphazardly blackened deathrot band debuted with a record that many have compared to the noise made by a hippopatamus being slaughtered during a ritual sacrifice in Youngstown, Ohio by a roomful of Shriners.

1. Milk of Magnesia of Human Kindness

by Impetigo Sore Ridden Kidney and The Pips

I once witnessed a homicide in Troy, New York. It sounded like this album, only people were smart enough to run away.

Abbath Meme.  Boom!  I Bet You Already Forgot What The Article Was About

Abbath Meme. Boom! I Bet You Already Forgot What The Article Was About

S?.  Illegally Downloaded Version of Ride The Lightning

by Metallica

Sounds exactly like the legal version that people paid for except I had to type the names of the songs in (which was a serious inconvenience)

Twelve. Angel of Rotting Succubus Infected With The Worms of Evil

by Some Band That Sounds Like Slayer

I read somewhere that Joss Whedon had a painful adolescence. Too bad it didn’t continue.

Some number that rhymes with Twelve. I Went To Have Tests Done At A Local Hospital and They Diagnosed Me With A Horrible Disease That Only About Two Hundred People On Earth Have. I Ran Home And Named My Band After It.

by Rheumatoid Hemorrhagic Mump-Measals

A playful mixture Incantation, The Early Writings of The Marquis de Sade and Bob Marley. Sort of like listening to the last Burzum album after sustaining a traumatic head injury.

7. Fetal Gunshot Syndrome

by Fatal Head Wound

Best rap metal album to come out since the last rap metal album came out.

8. After Smoking For Thirty Years One Of My Lungs Looks Like A Plate of General Tso’s Chicken

by After Smoking For Thirty Years One Of My Lungs Looks Like A Plate of General Tso’s Chicken

I’m getting sick of trying to describe these albums. Most of them sound the same.   I’m just going to type the first words that come to mind.

”Rattlesnake”….”Pomegranate”…”Optimum”….”Opiate”….

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4. Jeff Hanneman Jokes Aren’t Funny

by Some Guy Who Just Told Me A Rick Allen Joke

I’m sure that just pissed someone off

W.  Malaria:  One of The Most Deadly Diseases On The Planet Yet Not One Metal Band Is Named After It

by Echo, The Bunnymen and Narcissus

Sounds like a cross between Nell Carter during her doom metal phase, early Pestilence, Erasure and mayonnaise.

2.  Tim Lambesis

by My Dying Bride

Many believe this album might be a hit…

*rimshot*

“I’ll be here all week.  Thanks.  Try the veal”

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Elderly Man In Makeup To Travel United States Screeching About His Grandmother

elderly king diamond

Get ready America! Starting in October, a man qualified to receive Social Security benefits will travel this great nation howling like a banshee into an inverted cross microphone. That’s right…He’s Back (and hopefully he won’t throw His out)!

He’ll be visiting mostly warm weather climates to avoid a difficult winter, all the while taking advantage of the large number of early bird special meals geared towards persons of his demographic. His mornings will be spent consuming free Econolodge continental breakfasts and soaking himself in a tub of ice in anticipation of having to do the same routine in front of yet another group of awestruck admirers that He wants nothing to do with.

Tickets will, no doubt, be remarkably expensive in order to help Him offset the constant stream of costly doctor visits and potions meant to prolong his time on this condemned, dying planet. Luckily, he’ll be able to dodge the stillness and eternal silence of the grave for a few more years, a fate only slightly more appealing than complete oblivion.

Satan will be the subject of many of the songs that he will mercilessly caterwaul his way through. As most people above the age of seven know, Satan is a quaint, antiquated idea meant to remind people that it is possible that an evil exists that is even more terrifying than our elected government officials.

Notes, once hit by this rock luminary, will be missed with increasing frequency as this once in a lifetime series of concert events painfully marches its way to its conclusion in Austin, Texas. He will once again prove, without a shadow of doubt, that castrato vocals sound much better coming out of the mouth of a pre-pubescent child than a man old enough to be his grandfather.

An eager group of die-hard fans will get the opportunity to drown themselves in an orgy of nostalgia and binge spending on overpriced merchandise, temporarily alleviating the horrifying realities of a world gone completely insane.

They will emerge the next day from a brutal hangover induced by ten-dollar cups of flat beer late to the unfulfilling brutality of their mindless, soul-sucking chosen professions. That is, if they happen to be among the lucky people whose jobs have not be shipped off to a country where it is possible to pay workers less than a dollar a day to produce items that will be consumed and quickly forgotten.

As the lives those able to attend these shows wind to a bitter, meaningless conclusion, they can rejoice in the fact that they participated in an event they can describe to young people who will humor them by feigning attention, all the while worrying whether they have received a new text message in the last twelve seconds.

A great time should be had by all.

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Heavy Metal Must Be Destroyed

 

Eye-MC-Escher-1948

We are the freak future. We are the new violence.

 

We are rapidly approaching a new epoch in human history. One marked by the complete destruction of all form and meaning. This formless apocalypse appears to us now in the form of a rapid decay of authentic creativity and a terminal bloodlust for conformity. That will change.

It seems as if the envelope has been pushed to its limits and there is nothing left to do but repackage the old as the new. New technologies once seemed to open an unlimited array of possibility; instead of using this to push beyond the boundaries of mystery and wonder, we have recycled our thoughts and ideas to the point of unintelligibility. The world is a meme of a kitten playing with a ball of yarn.

This horrible present will not last. Eventually, the strings to the puppet show will become so obvious, even the most blind and witless among us won’t be able to delude themselves into thinking the grand illusion is truth. Our culture of zombiehood, our everyday suicideless suicide is unsustainable.

There are no more landscapes to be painted. No more sunsets to be photographed. The art of the future will be the expression of the psychic terror at the core of our being. The repressed animal within us can only be held down so long.

You can see it everywhere you look. We have defiled our economic, political and social lives with empty expressions of the past. We are hell bent on the destruction of our planet, our communities and our physical selves because we have begun to sense the hollowness at their core. We have begun to awaken only to find ourselves imprisoned in a coffin six feet under the ground.

There is only one means to revive our worm-infested corpses from the decay and rot that has become our world. A new destruction. A new violence. Complete and total annihilation of tradition in all of its hideous mental forms.

Even the idea of destruction has been castrated by cliché. People often equate destruction with physical violence. What is rarely understood is that the French Revolution ended the minute the first head fell into a basket. The Russian Revolution was over the moment the Czar and his family had been slaughtered. Physical violence is not a revolutionary act, rather an attempt to mirror the tradition of the consolidation of control that has stymied the best impulses within us.

The destruction being talked about here is much more akin to the idea of rejection. It is a non-stop war on reality. This battle will be fought on a psychic level in every moment. The minute it is given a name it has lost its power. It can only exist in the present and can only be understood in the form of contradiction. We think therefore we are not.

All revolutions begin and end in the mind. They are physically manifested in art but are reified and trivialized in their transformation to the form of commodity. Only when metal was new to us, a creation of our need to rebel against anything and everything, was it real.

At the core of each metalhead is a revolutionary. The moment each of these disparate people discovered their own alienation and connected to the experience of isolation and hopeless embodied in this form of music was the moment that each of us threw off the chains that strangle the thing within us that seeks to live.

The simple classification as heavy metal as a style of music is wrong. Metal is, in its rawest form, an accusation leveled at our societies the failure to treat us as authentic beings. Our moment of awakening was our revolution. But we have let it wither and die by making it a thing to be bought and sold.

Instead of understanding this break with organized, polite society as a revolutionary action, we have simply attempted to return to the moment of our awakening over and over again, never understanding that this myth of eternal return is the single greatest death we could ever experience.

This is why we must destroy heavy metal. Only by destroying it can we live. Only by tearing down its mythos, by defaming its heroes, by annihilating its stagnant form can we bring about a moment-to-moment revolution of the spirit.

Walk away from metal. Right now. In the middle of this sentence, walk away. Use its destruction to power your new life. Pick its body clean of experience and leave its carcass in the past.

 

We are the freak future. We are the new violence.

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Metal Musician Angry About State of Rock/Metal Music Industry

Come_at_me_bro

State of Rock/Metal Music Industry

A heavy metal musician armed with a computer and an Internet connection typed an astoundingly illuminating Facebook post on March 18, criticizing the rock/metal music business.

The rant, which is the 674,928th of its kind, was reportedly written when the musician was angry.

“His eyebrows were definitely furrowed and his teeth were bared,” said the Internet, 25, a professional time-killer. “He was typing so quickly and slamming the keyboard so hard I thought it sounded like the drumbeats to a Meshuggah song.”

In his post, the musician seemingly blamed the mechanics of Capitalism for the state of today’s rock/metal music business. Insectile sources perched outside the musician’s window and on his coffee mug confirmed that he used a capitalist contraption to publish his thoroughly original thoughts on a capitalist cyber social-networking platform.

“I vividly remember seeing a logo of a quarter-eaten apple on the curious white machine that he was typing on,” buzzed 15-days-old housefly, Buzz Darkmonth.

Buzzing with glee, Darkmonth added, “He was so engrossed in complaining to the very people he “don’t want to be ‘liked’ by” that he didn’t notice me pooping on his mug!”

The musician’s post contains many quotable one-liners that would not look out of place in a poorly written research paper. Exemplary lines include “The music business has sucked the life out of creativity,” “No one is encouraged to take risks, no one is encouraged to push the envelope, because it’s all about first week sales!” and “It’s about pointless radio play and how good your last tour went.”

But perhaps the highlight was the emotional conclusion that utilized the rhetorical technique of repetition to superb effect.

“I don’t get it!  You don’t care about music, and I don’t care about music, and I sit here wondering if this feeling is a result of the business itself, or is the business a result of our own apathy towards music…

I feel lost.

I feel alone.

Something has to change.

Someone has to stir the pot.

Something needs to come along and wake us up out of the slumber.”

According to the ghost of Martin Luther King Jr, former excessive user of the line “I have a dream,” the musician’s repeated use of “I don’t,” “I feel,” and “Something” is enigmatic and inspiring.

“Were I born in the late ‘60s instead of the late ‘20s, I could have been this guy,” King’s spirit said in a booming voice. However, when he saw the musician’s headful of healthy, wavy black hair, jealousy flickered in his translucent eyes and he vanished in a cloud of ethereal smoke.

It is now expected that the musician will not gain an ounce of sympathy from the cyber masses.

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Metal Band Name Reserve To Be Completely Depleted By 2016 Says Department of Interior

metal band names

The US Department of the Interior released a statement today, stating that the metal band name reserve is now almost completely depleted.  America is quickly running out of metal band names and expects to be totally tapped out by the end of 2016.

“There has been a sharp proliferation of new metal bands in the last five years,” says Department of the Interior Spokesman Peter Hobbs, “and the result is that all the viable names have been expended, far ahead of our original projections.”

Hobbs says the first warning signs came in the form of name recycling and overuse. “We’ve seen cases of reused names despite being already claimed by established bands, along with purposely misspelled variations of names like ‘Nocturnel’, ‘Nockturnal’, or worse. It’s really proving to be a desperate situation.  There are 28 bands worldwide named Mortuary, 7 within the United States alone.  The time has come to ask how many Disgorges this nation, or this planet for that matter, can support.”

Adding to the crisis is the complete depletion of modifiers “Blood”, “Dark”, and “Black”. Additional alarm spread through the metal community earlier this month as it was discovered that “Grave” and “Funeral” had also been stretched beyond usability.

“At this point, we’ve got to get creative with our resources if we want to have any future metal bands,” asserts Hobbs, “and we need everyone’s cooperation. People must stop naming their bands ‘Goat-anything’ until further notice.”

As an additional precaution, the Department is also declaring an indefinite moratorium on anyone going by the nickname of “Metal Mike”.

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U.S. Mainland Braces For Late April Release Of Over 20,000 Queensryche Albums

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April may indeed be the cruelest month for fans of the band Queensryche.  Since The Great Queensryche Schism of 2012, several bands have emerged with the name Queensryche, leaving many in the metal community in a state of total panic and utter confusion.  After Geoff Tate’s abrupt firing, the band broke off into two distinct units with the catchy monikers Queensryche with Todd LaTorre and Queensryche Starring Geoff Tate The Original Voice.  Things quickly spiraled out of control.

Thousands of people who have been associated with the band have stepped forward producing albums under the Queensryche name.  Bobby Murphy, a drum tech from the original Operation:  Mindcrime Tour, plans to release an album using the band name “Queensryche Starring That Ruddy, Poorly Shaven Guy Who Used To Score Dope and Painted Ladies For Them When They Were In Detroit And Parts of The Upper Peninsula” on April 19th.

Dwayne McGill, the band’s accountant during the late 1980s has gotten into the mix recording under the name “Queensryche With The Guy Who Figured Out That Geoff’s Ten Thousand Dollar Haircut Was A Legitimate Deduction”.  That record is due April 21st.

James Calbreath, a promotions specialist who worked with the band early in their career will be issuing an album using the alias “Queensryche Featuring The Guy Who Told Geoff That Putting An Umlaut Above The Y Would Make Them Look European And Therefore Allow Them To Perceived as Deeply Intellectual By Most Americans” drops on April 22nd.

Even people who have never had anything to do with the band have gotten in on the trend.  “Metal” Mark Krutzenheimer, a Connecticut man who had all of the lyrics to “Queen of The Reich” tattooed on his back in Proto Norse, will be using the designation “Queensryche Spotlighting The Voice of The Guy Who Broke Off His Engagement With A Girl Because She Said Jet City Woman Was Her Favorite Song By The Band” when his record hits stores on April 23rd.

Geoff Tate, formerly Eddie Garfield, a traveling vacuum cleaner salesman who changed his name to Geoff Tate in 1995 during his conversion to Islam has an album coming out on April 25th.  On it, his band will be referred to as “Queensryche Starring The Geoff Tate Who Spent Six Months In Guantanamo Bay Because He Happened To Be Selling A Copy of Muhammad Speaks In Valdosta, Georgia.”

These are only a small sampling from the thousands of Queensryche albums that are expected.  Bob Rockenfield, a noted Queensryche expert and professor at University of Anencephaly in Lake City, Florida, fears that this onslaught of April Queensryche releases will lead to a period of Queensryche Inflation, an economic condition where all Queensryche albums become equally valueless and people are unable to milk every possible cent out of the band’s name.

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Chicago Teachers Strike After Venom Is Banned From Classrooms

Chicago’s pro-Venom teacher strike has entered its second week with little hope of a quick resolution.  The strike, started by teachers in response to Mayor Rahm Emmanuel’s order to shelve the controversial “Cronos In The Classroom” program, has left parents struggling to find childcare and students ecstatic over not having to be crammed into overcrowded classrooms while being pushed from standardized test to standardized test like a mindless herd of cattle.

Chicago teachers began using Venom songs to help students improve in reading and mathematics.  One unit of the program, “Algebra with Abaddon” teaches 8th graders by using problems like this:  Chuck has 25 human heads collected for the Dark Lord Satan in his basement while Li has only collected 12.  If Li collects 5 heads a month and Chuck only collects 3, when will Li have more heads than Chuck and get to wear the Mark of the Beast?

The program, started by former Flesh Eating Head Wound bassist and 9th grade Chicago public school English teacher Matt Strobe in 2006, was meant to teach basic skills in a way that is fun and engaging.  “Much of what students see in the classroom feels disconnected and alien.  Many of our students are heavily involved in Satan worship and animal sacrifice.  The program was meant to speak to them in a language they understand and can relate to,” declared Strobe during a recent interview with the Chicago Sun Times.

The program was being used in fifteen schools when Emmanuel pulled the plug on it.   In spite of being wildly popular with the students and being cited as a major reason that attendance has dramatically improved, Emmanuel felt the program had to go. “Obviously, there were issues over the content of the Venom songs being used.  Satanic murder rampages are not something a school should endorse.  Still, that wasn’t the main issue.  We stopped the program because test scores in math and reading had declined,” said Emmanuel in a press conference last Monday.

The program has been replaced with one called “Consumer Magic”, a series of units meant to teach test taking skills and breed mindless obedience to authority figures and corporations.  “Consumer Magic” has been tested in several cities and has led to higher test scores and a stronger willingness by students to engage in positive social activities like shopping and repeating what well-educated adults have already said.

For teachers, the end of a program like “Cronos in the Classroom” was enough to send them to the picket line.  One possible compromise is the introduction of a program called “From Bathory to The Boardroom”, a mix of satanic, death-affirming values, corporate ideology and time tested learning strategies.  The program is being considered by both the teachers union and the city and might offer a way out of the current impasse.

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