U.S. Mainland Braces For Late April Release Of Over 20,000 Queensryche Albums


April may indeed be the cruelest month for fans of the band Queensryche.  Since The Great Queensryche Schism of 2012, several bands have emerged with the name Queensryche, leaving many in the metal community in a state of total panic and utter confusion.  After Geoff Tate’s abrupt firing, the band broke off into two distinct units with the catchy monikers Queensryche with Todd LaTorre and Queensryche Starring Geoff Tate The Original Voice.  Things quickly spiraled out of control.

Thousands of people who have been associated with the band have stepped forward producing albums under the Queensryche name.  Bobby Murphy, a drum tech from the original Operation:  Mindcrime Tour, plans to release an album using the band name “Queensryche Starring That Ruddy, Poorly Shaven Guy Who Used To Score Dope and Painted Ladies For Them When They Were In Detroit And Parts of The Upper Peninsula” on April 19th.

Dwayne McGill, the band’s accountant during the late 1980s has gotten into the mix recording under the name “Queensryche With The Guy Who Figured Out That Geoff’s Ten Thousand Dollar Haircut Was A Legitimate Deduction”.  That record is due April 21st.

James Calbreath, a promotions specialist who worked with the band early in their career will be issuing an album using the alias “Queensryche Featuring The Guy Who Told Geoff That Putting An Umlaut Above The Y Would Make Them Look European And Therefore Allow Them To Perceived as Deeply Intellectual By Most Americans” drops on April 22nd.

Even people who have never had anything to do with the band have gotten in on the trend.  “Metal” Mark Krutzenheimer, a Connecticut man who had all of the lyrics to “Queen of The Reich” tattooed on his back in Proto Norse, will be using the designation “Queensryche Spotlighting The Voice of The Guy Who Broke Off His Engagement With A Girl Because She Said Jet City Woman Was Her Favorite Song By The Band” when his record hits stores on April 23rd.

Geoff Tate, formerly Eddie Garfield, a traveling vacuum cleaner salesman who changed his name to Geoff Tate in 1995 during his conversion to Islam has an album coming out on April 25th.  On it, his band will be referred to as “Queensryche Starring The Geoff Tate Who Spent Six Months In Guantanamo Bay Because He Happened To Be Selling A Copy of Muhammad Speaks In Valdosta, Georgia.”

These are only a small sampling from the thousands of Queensryche albums that are expected.  Bob Rockenfield, a noted Queensryche expert and professor at University of Anencephaly in Lake City, Florida, fears that this onslaught of April Queensryche releases will lead to a period of Queensryche Inflation, an economic condition where all Queensryche albums become equally valueless and people are unable to milk every possible cent out of the band’s name.

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  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on April 5, 2013 - 3:02 PM

    Yep… it’s gonna be Zimbabwe ALL over again…

  2. #2 by mirkinfirkin on April 5, 2013 - 3:07 PM

    You think that’s bad – in the Czech Republic a former illegal and banned pro proto-National Socialism skinhead youth orchestra have come back together, renaming themselves Kralovny Reich, which translates as “Queen’s Reich,” in homage to Queensryche. I guess, despite being in an orchestra, they aren’t too bright. According to the statement they released from their favourite pub, they intend to release their album, Ozrala Zumpa (Shit-faced-drunk Cesspool) on April 31. Like I said, possibly not too bright.

  3. #4 by Orange (a/k/a David) on April 5, 2013 - 3:18 PM

    Suddenly, my appreciation for Motörhead, Blue Öyster Cult, Hüsker Dü, and Löwenbräu seems a little föolish.

    • #5 by Keith Spillett on April 5, 2013 - 5:12 PM

      How did you get your computer to do umlauts??? That’s awesome!!!!

      • #6 by Orange (a/k/a David) on April 5, 2013 - 5:14 PM

        Cut and paste! There’s a fancy way to do it and a lazy way. Go lazy!

      • #7 by mirkinfirkin on April 5, 2013 - 7:54 PM

        ÿöü jüst hävë tö thrëätën ït ä lïttlë. Tell ït ÿöü’ll mäke ït ëät Späm™

      • #8 by Keith Spillett on April 5, 2013 - 8:13 PM

        WHOA!!!!!!!! You put an umlaut over a Y!!!!! AND IT’S A CONSONANT!!!!!!!!!!!

        (and a trademark sign no less?!?!?)

      • #9 by mirkinfirkin on April 5, 2013 - 8:18 PM

        Of course – spam with a capital S denotes the product, rather than the reality, and requires the trademark sign out of respect and veneration for the Hormel Corporation™.

    • #10 by Dave on April 8, 2013 - 5:04 PM

      You forgot about the Crüe.

      • #11 by Dave on April 8, 2013 - 5:06 PM

        That was supposed to be in response to Orange. Stupid phone!

  4. #12 by Dave Smith on April 5, 2013 - 3:47 PM

    Priceless!! It is what it is! There should and can be only one Queensryche! Queensryche Official!

  5. #13 by theipc on April 5, 2013 - 4:26 PM

    LOL – this is hilarious! I’m glad you stopped by my site the other day ~

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