Posts Tagged Operation Mindcrime

The Guy From Universe Number Five Has Hobbit Feet

As I was walking to Walgreens on Friday, a carrier pigeon with seven wings landed on my shoulder.  I opened the message in its talons and it summoned me to a cave 52 miles outside of Provo, Utah.  I immediately ran to my car, sped to the airport and bought a ridiculously priced ticket for Provo on a plane leaving in 35 minutes.  After all, this sort of thing had never happened to me before.

The message read simply “The Guy From Universe Number Five Has Summoned You”.  Then, it gave me the coordinates.  That was all.

When I arrived in Provo, I stole a car out of the long term parking lot (2009 Ford Focus…the thing handles like a dream) and drove about 120 miles per hour to get to the cave.  I arrived five minutes later with the hoof of a deer in the car’s front grill and a look of complete panic on my face.

When I entered the cave,  I encountered a beast like I had never seen before.  It had 47 horns and 22 tails.  Fire shot from its gills.

“Are you…..Grimlock Von Myxlplyx?”  I asked shyly.

“GRRR4AGDR7WHWY#U+=Y#U??!#?&#YG$#Y!#%#%aHB!#UJN$@NTR,” it responded.

And the interview began….

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Grimlock…..where is Universe Number Five located?


A question a child might ask, but not a childish question. First, one has to look within themselves to determine where Universe Number Five is NOT. Then, after one has verified proof that a certain point is NOT Universe Number Five, one must accept that everything else is Universe Number Five. Up to and including this. And that.

What is your Universes current relationship with Universe Number 14?

Being that Universe Number 14 is part of Universe Number Five, I treat it in much the same manner the band Dead Horse would treat the Spice Girls. Even though there is a perceived separation, one can’t escape that beyond the illusion it is one and the same. And neither. While both.

What is the relationship between spirituality and metal?


If you cannot enter a deep meditation while listening to Gore Beyond Necropsy or Exit-13, you are simply not trying hard enough. When metal isn’t tried hard enough, you get bands like Asking Alexandria, Pantera and Black Veil Brides. When spirituality isn’t tried hard enough, you get religious zealots who want to manipulate the social structure of society or groups of easily misled young men willing to blow themselves up to further a cause that would ultimately seek to suck the life from humanity. When both are merged and utilized to their maximum potential in our everyday lives however, we can do a myriad of wonderful things, up to and including drinking coffee and eating fried chicken. That, my friend, is Mu. That, my friend, is Enlightenment.

I’ve heard you and the DRI mascot had a falling out. Can you tell us a little bit about what started the feud? Is there any chance of reconciliation?

If I were a lesser man, I’d blame Wendy Moncrief. However, I believe in accountability. Foremost, I should never have assumed that he was without emotion and basic human feelings when I reported his survival of the building fire. While I’m glad that he didn’t become a victim of a Righteous Pigs song, I was very callous in the way I handled the conversation with him. Plus, he’s Bobby Gustafson’s friend. For that he deserves a hug and some understanding.

If you were trapped on an island with one Incantation album for the rest of your life, which would it be?


If it can’t be their entire discography slammed into an mp3 CD, then with apologies to “Onward To Golgotha” and “Diabolical Conquest”, I’d have to select “Make It Big”.

If you were trapped on an island with Incantation what album would you listen to first?

I wonder if they’d play “Make It Big” in its entirety. Kinda like the “Mindcrime” tour… Just play “M.I.B.” followed by an assortment from their other albums. Hell, they could even do it unplugged if they had to. Ukeleles, Hawaiian style. “Oahu To Golgotha” Tour 2013, get your T-shirts! Get your programs!

If you were trapped in the belly of a giant narwhal all with the former members of Sepultura what would you listen to first?


Oh, that’s easy. I’d listen to something Wu-Tang-y like Sarcofago’s “I.N.R.I.” I figure if anything will get the Seps back to their roots (bloody or otherwise) it’d be that. Perhaps it would wake them from their coma or whatever malaise they’ve obviously been going through for the last 20 years.

According to Congressman and former Obituary saxophonist Allen West, one of the main reasons he lost in his bid to become President of Florida was because of the Universe Number Five article claiming he was made of gorgonzola cheese. How do you respond to these charges?


First of all, I stand firmly behind the reporting of my sources. If Source X says that West is Gorgonzola, then it’s true. Look, this is Florida. The strangest things in the entire universe happen in this state on a daily basis. So bizarre are we, in fact, that the West/Gorgonzola news wasn’t even newsworthy enough to make the papers that day. It was seriously news item #1,178 the day it broke.

What was your first reaction when you realized that Ice Cube was doing children’s films?


I was stoked, actually! The carbon-based electro-soul that represents itself to humanity as Ice Cube is a multifaceted being. People like to label him as the guy who made some of the greatest hip-hop albums of all-time. While, of course, that is true, he’s not to be pigeonholed. He is a rapper, an actor, an activist, a soccer mom, a balloon enthusiast, a kangaroo caretaker, the tuba player on Opeth’s “Blackwater Park” album, an electrician, an electric eel, eclectically ill, and has a license to chill. Respect.

What’s your opinion on consonants?


As a Scrabble player, I love them. Especially ‘Q’. Until I started playing Scrabble, I didn’t know that “Qi”, “Qat”, and “Suq” were actual words. Now they are straight up weapons of word game assassination. Also, when you experience getting “Quixotic” in a triple word score box, everything, including the Tampa Bay Buccaneers winning another Super Bowl, pales in comparison.

Who is your favorite Black Sabbath singer Tony Martin, Ian Gillian or Leopold Stokowski?


It troubles me that you neglected to include Jeff Fenholt here. Fenholt has a resume that would make George O’Leary proud. According to his autobiography, he was once a full time vocalist for Black Sabbath during the 80’s. He even wrote of tales of drugs, abuse, debauchery, etc. Why? To further his televangelism career, according to his siblings. He wanted to sound as awful as possible so as to make his redemption seem more impressive. Once it came to light that the dude was at least semi-fraudulent, Trinity Broadcasting Network fired him, or at least kinda started neglecting him. In reality though, he was romantically linked to Salvador Dali’s wife in her last days. That is much more impressive than singing for Black Sabbath. Think about it, anyone could sing for Sabbath, heck they let Ozzy do it. However, scoring with the wife of the greatest artist of the last 200 years?? THAT is metal!

In closing, thanks Keith. When I grow up, I wanna wear your shoes. Also, if you don’t own “Testimony Of The Ancients” by Pestilence, I’ll pray for your lost soul. And stuff. Read the “Boomer Bible”. Tip your waitresses… over. Out!

If you haven’t been to Universe Number Five, you’ll end up there eventually.  So…why wait?

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U.S. Mainland Braces For Late April Release Of Over 20,000 Queensryche Albums

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April may indeed be the cruelest month for fans of the band Queensryche.  Since The Great Queensryche Schism of 2012, several bands have emerged with the name Queensryche, leaving many in the metal community in a state of total panic and utter confusion.  After Geoff Tate’s abrupt firing, the band broke off into two distinct units with the catchy monikers Queensryche with Todd LaTorre and Queensryche Starring Geoff Tate The Original Voice.  Things quickly spiraled out of control.

Thousands of people who have been associated with the band have stepped forward producing albums under the Queensryche name.  Bobby Murphy, a drum tech from the original Operation:  Mindcrime Tour, plans to release an album using the band name “Queensryche Starring That Ruddy, Poorly Shaven Guy Who Used To Score Dope and Painted Ladies For Them When They Were In Detroit And Parts of The Upper Peninsula” on April 19th.

Dwayne McGill, the band’s accountant during the late 1980s has gotten into the mix recording under the name “Queensryche With The Guy Who Figured Out That Geoff’s Ten Thousand Dollar Haircut Was A Legitimate Deduction”.  That record is due April 21st.

James Calbreath, a promotions specialist who worked with the band early in their career will be issuing an album using the alias “Queensryche Featuring The Guy Who Told Geoff That Putting An Umlaut Above The Y Would Make Them Look European And Therefore Allow Them To Perceived as Deeply Intellectual By Most Americans” drops on April 22nd.

Even people who have never had anything to do with the band have gotten in on the trend.  “Metal” Mark Krutzenheimer, a Connecticut man who had all of the lyrics to “Queen of The Reich” tattooed on his back in Proto Norse, will be using the designation “Queensryche Spotlighting The Voice of The Guy Who Broke Off His Engagement With A Girl Because She Said Jet City Woman Was Her Favorite Song By The Band” when his record hits stores on April 23rd.

Geoff Tate, formerly Eddie Garfield, a traveling vacuum cleaner salesman who changed his name to Geoff Tate in 1995 during his conversion to Islam has an album coming out on April 25th.  On it, his band will be referred to as “Queensryche Starring The Geoff Tate Who Spent Six Months In Guantanamo Bay Because He Happened To Be Selling A Copy of Muhammad Speaks In Valdosta, Georgia.”

These are only a small sampling from the thousands of Queensryche albums that are expected.  Bob Rockenfield, a noted Queensryche expert and professor at University of Anencephaly in Lake City, Florida, fears that this onslaught of April Queensryche releases will lead to a period of Queensryche Inflation, an economic condition where all Queensryche albums become equally valueless and people are unable to milk every possible cent out of the band’s name.

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Queensryche Hits Snag With New “Operation: Mimecrime” Album

Don’t expect to be hearing anything from mimes anytime soon.  Queensryche’s long awaited album Operation: Mimecrime, the third in the Mindcrime trilogy, has been put on indefinite hold after Queenryche was unable to get the troupe of mimes that they hired to do anything but pretend they were trapped in boxes.  “We had a whole concept where the mimes were going to sing on the record,” said Queensryche vocalist Geoff Tate. “Come to find out, that violates some portion of their professional code or something.  Not cool at all.”

Mimecrime was meant to pick up where Mindcrime 2 left off.  Nikki, who killed himself at the end of the second album, is revived by a voodoo mime priest named Ralph in a bizarre ritual involving Santeria and the first two Venom albums.  Since Nikki’s death, Dr. X’s son Dr. Y has been causing havoc in the United States by using a group of hired mime terrorists to kidnap politicians and force radio DJs to play that terrible LMFAO song on their stations at gunpoint.

Ralph explains to Nikki that he must become a mime and infiltrate this group in order to stop the madness.  He then goes through a training sequence similar to the one in the first Karate Kid film where he learns the nuances of miming.  He also learns The Mime Code, which stipulates that a true Mime will always seek to behave honorably and never, under any circumstances make balloon animals.

He finally is able to join the mime cell, but soon becomes addicted to mime heroin, an invisible substance that causes euphoria, addiction and the need to pull on a pretend rope.  Eventually, Nikki finds himself committing mime atrocities and enjoying them.  This leads to a powerful ending where Nikki is forced to look at himself and confront what lies beneath the white face paint while singing the song “Mime In The Mirror”.

The album would have featured several new compositions including “I Don’t Believe in Gloves”, a song about how the traditions of miming require white gloves, but younger more modern mimes tend to not want to wear anything on their hands.  The album had called for an ironic version of “Speak” that would have been sung in Braille.  Their were also plans to re-record a stirring, climactic version of “Breaking The Silence” where the mimes begin the song with their fingers and finish with their voices.

The album was meant to capitalize on the recent mimecore trend where metal, industrial and punk bands dress as mimes and perform heavy music.  Mimer Threat and Mimeless Self Indulgence have both charted on Billboards Top 200 list with mimecore records.  Industrial bands Mime Inch Nails and Mimestry recorded a split 7 inch called “A Mime Is A Terrible Thing To Taste” which has become a huge hit in Burma and Turkmenistan.  Black metal band Mime Furor has gone so far as to record 45 minutes of blank space calling it the first “Tr00 Mimec0re Album”.  Unfortunately however, Queensryche’s foray into mimecore may never hear the light of day.

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