As I was walking to Walgreens on Friday, a carrier pigeon with seven wings landed on my shoulder. I opened the message in its talons and it summoned me to a cave 52 miles outside of Provo, Utah. I immediately ran to my car, sped to the airport and bought a ridiculously priced ticket for Provo on a plane leaving in 35 minutes. After all, this sort of thing had never happened to me before.
The message read simply “The Guy From Universe Number Five Has Summoned You”. Then, it gave me the coordinates. That was all.
When I arrived in Provo, I stole a car out of the long term parking lot (2009 Ford Focus…the thing handles like a dream) and drove about 120 miles per hour to get to the cave. I arrived five minutes later with the hoof of a deer in the car’s front grill and a look of complete panic on my face.
When I entered the cave, I encountered a beast like I had never seen before. It had 47 horns and 22 tails. Fire shot from its gills.
“Are you…..Grimlock Von Myxlplyx?” I asked shyly.
“GRRR4AGDR7WHWY#U+=Y#U??!#?&#YG$#Y!#%#%aHB!#UJN$@NTR,” it responded.
And the interview began….
Grimlock…..where is Universe Number Five located?
A question a child might ask, but not a childish question. First, one has to look within themselves to determine where Universe Number Five is NOT. Then, after one has verified proof that a certain point is NOT Universe Number Five, one must accept that everything else is Universe Number Five. Up to and including this. And that.
What is your Universes current relationship with Universe Number 14?
Being that Universe Number 14 is part of Universe Number Five, I treat it in much the same manner the band Dead Horse would treat the Spice Girls. Even though there is a perceived separation, one can’t escape that beyond the illusion it is one and the same. And neither. While both.
What is the relationship between spirituality and metal?
If you cannot enter a deep meditation while listening to Gore Beyond Necropsy or Exit-13, you are simply not trying hard enough. When metal isn’t tried hard enough, you get bands like Asking Alexandria, Pantera and Black Veil Brides. When spirituality isn’t tried hard enough, you get religious zealots who want to manipulate the social structure of society or groups of easily misled young men willing to blow themselves up to further a cause that would ultimately seek to suck the life from humanity. When both are merged and utilized to their maximum potential in our everyday lives however, we can do a myriad of wonderful things, up to and including drinking coffee and eating fried chicken. That, my friend, is Mu. That, my friend, is Enlightenment.
I’ve heard you and the DRI mascot had a falling out. Can you tell us a little bit about what started the feud? Is there any chance of reconciliation?
If I were a lesser man, I’d blame Wendy Moncrief. However, I believe in accountability. Foremost, I should never have assumed that he was without emotion and basic human feelings when I reported his survival of the building fire. While I’m glad that he didn’t become a victim of a Righteous Pigs song, I was very callous in the way I handled the conversation with him. Plus, he’s Bobby Gustafson’s friend. For that he deserves a hug and some understanding.
If you were trapped on an island with one Incantation album for the rest of your life, which would it be?
If it can’t be their entire discography slammed into an mp3 CD, then with apologies to “Onward To Golgotha” and “Diabolical Conquest”, I’d have to select “Make It Big”.
If you were trapped on an island with Incantation what album would you listen to first?
I wonder if they’d play “Make It Big” in its entirety. Kinda like the “Mindcrime” tour… Just play “M.I.B.” followed by an assortment from their other albums. Hell, they could even do it unplugged if they had to. Ukeleles, Hawaiian style. “Oahu To Golgotha” Tour 2013, get your T-shirts! Get your programs!
If you were trapped in the belly of a giant narwhal all with the former members of Sepultura what would you listen to first?
Oh, that’s easy. I’d listen to something Wu-Tang-y like Sarcofago’s “I.N.R.I.” I figure if anything will get the Seps back to their roots (bloody or otherwise) it’d be that. Perhaps it would wake them from their coma or whatever malaise they’ve obviously been going through for the last 20 years.
According to Congressman and former Obituary saxophonist Allen West, one of the main reasons he lost in his bid to become President of Florida was because of the Universe Number Five article claiming he was made of gorgonzola cheese. How do you respond to these charges?
First of all, I stand firmly behind the reporting of my sources. If Source X says that West is Gorgonzola, then it’s true. Look, this is Florida. The strangest things in the entire universe happen in this state on a daily basis. So bizarre are we, in fact, that the West/Gorgonzola news wasn’t even newsworthy enough to make the papers that day. It was seriously news item #1,178 the day it broke.
What was your first reaction when you realized that Ice Cube was doing children’s films?
I was stoked, actually! The carbon-based electro-soul that represents itself to humanity as Ice Cube is a multifaceted being. People like to label him as the guy who made some of the greatest hip-hop albums of all-time. While, of course, that is true, he’s not to be pigeonholed. He is a rapper, an actor, an activist, a soccer mom, a balloon enthusiast, a kangaroo caretaker, the tuba player on Opeth’s “Blackwater Park” album, an electrician, an electric eel, eclectically ill, and has a license to chill. Respect.
What’s your opinion on consonants?
As a Scrabble player, I love them. Especially ‘Q’. Until I started playing Scrabble, I didn’t know that “Qi”, “Qat”, and “Suq” were actual words. Now they are straight up weapons of word game assassination. Also, when you experience getting “Quixotic” in a triple word score box, everything, including the Tampa Bay Buccaneers winning another Super Bowl, pales in comparison.
Who is your favorite Black Sabbath singer Tony Martin, Ian Gillian or Leopold Stokowski?
It troubles me that you neglected to include Jeff Fenholt here. Fenholt has a resume that would make George O’Leary proud. According to his autobiography, he was once a full time vocalist for Black Sabbath during the 80’s. He even wrote of tales of drugs, abuse, debauchery, etc. Why? To further his televangelism career, according to his siblings. He wanted to sound as awful as possible so as to make his redemption seem more impressive. Once it came to light that the dude was at least semi-fraudulent, Trinity Broadcasting Network fired him, or at least kinda started neglecting him. In reality though, he was romantically linked to Salvador Dali’s wife in her last days. That is much more impressive than singing for Black Sabbath. Think about it, anyone could sing for Sabbath, heck they let Ozzy do it. However, scoring with the wife of the greatest artist of the last 200 years?? THAT is metal!
In closing, thanks Keith. When I grow up, I wanna wear your shoes. Also, if you don’t own “Testimony Of The Ancients” by Pestilence, I’ll pray for your lost soul. And stuff. Read the “Boomer Bible”. Tip your waitresses… over. Out!
If you haven’t been to Universe Number Five, you’ll end up there eventually. So…why wait?