Obama Says Something Funny Then Announces Drone Strikes Against Former Sepultura Members

obama_laughing_rectangleThe Commander-in-Chief had some explaining to do!

The President arrived at The East Room at an event honoring the remaining CIA members responsible for helping to illegally arm the Contras in the 1980s with (OMG….you are not going to believe this!!!)…lipstick on his collar.

“I don’t want to get in trouble with Michelle, so I’ll have you know that this isn’t lipstick…it’s blood!!!”  quipped the President to raucous applause and laughter from the fawning, ever-diligent press corps.

The President also took the moment to announce that he has personally ordered drone strikes on former members of the band Sepultura.  Some ex-members of Sepultura, which means “grave” in some weird foreign language, have been linked to a sinister splinter group that goes by the ominous name “The Cavalera Conspiracy”.

The former lead singer, Max Cavalera, was involved in the 1990s with a project referred to only as “Nailbomb”.  A nail bomb is an explosive device often built by terrorists out of ordinary household items.  It often contains nails (or other sharp, pointy things) and can explode and cause harm to people who are susceptible to injury from flying shrapnel.  They are very, very dangerous, particularly when they kill people.  These cheaply built weapons, often referred to as IUDs, have caused death and injury to thousands of people, including Americans.

Max and his brother, a shadowy figure who goes by the name “Igor”, are both wanted in connection for their parts in The Cavalera Conspiracy.  “The greatest threat to America, besides Michelle if she finds out about the lipstick, are The Cavalera Brothers,” trying to hold back his trademark grin as throngs of reporters collapsed to the floor and began spasmodic seizures of laughter.

Max Possibly Signaling Other Members Of His Terrorist Cell To Commit Acts Of Violence

Max Possibly Signaling To Other Members Of His Terrorist Cell To Commit Acts Of Violence

The President assured the audience that no current members of Sepultura would be harmed.  “The United States government has an avowed policy of only killing people when they are in the way or within a hundred mile vicinity of evil people.  As far as we known, in spite of their current status as Brazilians, the people of Sepultura are 100 percent safe,” said the President in a calm, confident, comforting, assuring, Presidential tone.

Predator drones have become the President’s weapon of choice because of their uncanny ability to allow for maximal destruction with minimal impact on public opinion poll numbers.  Americans aren’t in the planes, so unless one of the soldiers operating an aircraft from a hangar in Nevada accidentally chokes on a ham sandwich, they harm only bad people.  Even if one goes off course and destroys a questionable military target, like a hospital or school, the President could always buy a new dog and mollify the American public until the next atrocity comes along.

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  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on May 29, 2013 - 1:50 PM

    War is never the answer. But we’ll find out what answers arise beneath the remains. Also… *gratuitous mention of “Bestial Devastation” in an attempt to be kvlt…*

  2. #2 by vfshb on May 29, 2013 - 6:58 PM

    fu, that’a not a weird foreign language, it’s portuguese, a very beautiful language.

  3. #3 by Daniel Pepper on May 30, 2013 - 5:49 AM

    This is honestly the funniest thing i’ve read from you. My girlfriend is looking at me very strangely, not knowing what i’m laughing about. All she sees is a picture of Obama grinning.

  4. #4 by John Erickson on May 30, 2013 - 7:39 PM

    The Cavalera Conspiracy? Sure you aren’t talking about the Cavalier Conspiracy, a cunning plan by a group of aging revolutionaries intended to drive the population nuts by driving around in V-6 equipped Cavaliers with no mufflers? (Oh, wait, sorry, you weren’t supposed to know about that. Um…. never mind, just keep doing whatever you’re doing, and pay no attention to that Predator drone circling your house …… 😉 )

  5. #5 by mirkinfirkin on May 31, 2013 - 10:37 PM

    Thank God my wife’s been using IEDs (much cheaper because you can make them at home!)

  6. #6 by Zack on April 26, 2015 - 3:12 PM

    I applaud the presidents decision. In the war on terror it is really Killer Be Killed.

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