Posts Tagged Lemmy
In what may be the most bold and audacious publicity stunt in the history of heavy metal, black metal superstars Watain plan to murder the two living members of the band the Beatles to coincide with the release of their next record “Death’s Dark Darkness Darkens”. However, in tribute to the most famous band in rock and roll history, they also have planned to open the album with a black metal reworking of the Beatles classic “Let It Be”.
Killing both Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney will certainly not be a simple task, especially since the band has announced its intentions in advance. However, according to lead singer and former Mossad assassin Erik Danielsson, getting to Ringo might not be all that difficult. “Honestly, if you look at the guy, he’s about two glasses of wine away from renal failure. He’s in such bad shape, the other day he asked Lemmy if he could borrow his liver.”
That being said, getting to McCartney could be much more difficult. Immediately after plans for his execution by Watain were announced, he moved into an underground bunker guarded by former Secret Service members along with twelve members of the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang. In spite of the obstacles, Danielsson feels that the band’s high level training in urban combat, guerilla warfare and carjacking will allow them to overpower the guards and “have McCartney’s head on a stick on the roof of our tour bus by July.”
Watain are no strangers to assassinations. Guitarist Pelle Forsberg was a member of Seal Team Six, the group responsible for the murder to noted terrorist and blogger Osama Bin Laden. According to recently released CIA documents, drummer Hakan Jonsson orchestrated several attempts on the life of Cuban leader Fidel Castro, including trying to send him exploding cigars and planning a misguided endeavor where Castro would be trapped in his bedroom and drowned in thousands of tons of frozen yogurt.
Danielsson remains confident in the slaying abilities of Watain. “Look, if we could get to Robert Kennedy, Malcolm X, Whitney Houston and the drummer from Hanoi Rocks, what makes you think we can’t put that little twerp McCartney in the ground?”
You can now add restaurateur to the list of the many accomplishments in the career of former White Zombie vocalist and director Rob Zombie. In 2017, Zombie plans on opening ten heavy metal themed eateries in major markets including New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Billings, Montana.
These upscale, casual restaurants will be known as “More Hunan Than Hunan” and offer the best in Chinese cooking. A similar venture known as “Say You Love Szechuan” opened 10 years ago by Immortal frontman and gluten-free cellphone creator Abbath recently went bankrupt after human skull fragments were found in a plate of moo shoo pork.
The recent trend of heavy metal themed food items and dining establishments have become highly popular over the last few years. Iron Maiden’s Trooper Beer has generated a major buzz in bars around the world. Danzig Burger, a new chain in the American Southwest, features several types of burgers all marinated in wolf’s blood. Even some Wendy’s are getting into the act by test marketing a Lemmy Burger. The hamburger, which features a liquid grain alcohol center, has gotten rave reviews from critics.
Zombie, known more recently for his reputation for creating violent, gore filled films, is actually an ethical vegetarian and has been since 1982. Because of this, he plans to offer a strict vegetarian menu using an assortment of creatively hidden mock meats. However, one out of every thousand customers will be slaughtered by an angry group of redneck clowns in order to amuse the other patrons.
November 22, 1963 was a day that few Americans could ever forget. On a visit to Dallas, John F. Kennedy’s motorcade was fired on and the President was killed. His alleged assassin Lee Harvey Oswald was murdered a day later leaving investigators little time to find out who else might have been involved in the plot . In spite of an extensive study by The Warren Commission, which claimed that Oswald acted alone, a good portion of the public remains unconvinced of the official story to this day. Last week, a private investigator working for the Tyranny of Tradition obtained clear and compelling photographic evidence that Oswald was not the only shooter on that dreadful November day.
One of the main reasons that many have believed the case was unsolved was what is known as the single bullet or magic bullet theory. The account of the assassination put forth in The Warren Commission report was that the bullet that killed President Kennedy also caused several wounds to Texas Governor John Connelly, who was in the car with him at the time. Scientists have long held the belief that this is almost impossible and means there must have been another assassin firing at Kennedy from another spot. Some witnesses, including members of the Secret Service who were guarding Kennedy, claimed they heard and saw gunfire from an area known as the grassy knoll. For years, there has been much speculation as to whether this was true and, if so, who was the shooter on the grassy knoll. We now can conclusively state that Ian Fraser Kilmiester, known to music fans and friends alike as Lemmy, fired the fatal shots from the grassy knoll that day.
Lemmy had a rather normal early childhood in England. He was extremely bright and known for being a remarkable shot. He spent a good portion of his days studying military history and learning to play bass. When he was 10, he went to live abroad with his “Uncle Alvin”, a shadowy figure who was not actually related to his family but took a strong interest in young Lemmy.
Very little was known about “Uncle Alvin”, except that he was an American who traveled throughout Central America extensively. Alvin often took Lemmy on these trips with him. Lemmy has refused to say much about “Uncle Alvin”, who he lost touch with when he turned 19, but through careful investigation, we have learned that “Uncle Alvin” is none other than CIA superspy E. Howard Hunt.
A high-ranking former CIA agent contacted us a month ago with this story. In a three hour meeting with our editorial staff last week, he detailed how Lemmy first came to Hunt’s attention when he (at nine years old) mailed a plan for how to overthrow the government of Guatemala to the CIA. Hunt was so impressed with the plan (which came to be known as Operation PBSuccess), he used it to remove President Jacobo Arbenz from office in that Central American nation. After using the plan, he began a friendship with Lemmy that lasted throughout his teen years.
At 15, Lemmy became an integral part of planning the failed Bay of Pigs invasion in Cuba. Both Hunt and Lemmy blamed President Kennedy for not calling in air support and letting the plan fail. They wanted revenge and on November 22, 1963 they got it. Beyond being motivated by their lust for vengeance, Hunt was working on behalf of several sinister high level agents within the government who felt Kennedy’s presidency was weakening the United States and leaving us vulnerable to communist infiltration.
Lemmy and Hunt met Oswald during the planning stages of the Bay of Pigs. They struck up a friendship and later, came together to commit the most shocking crime in American history. Oswald was to fire from the book depository building while Lemmy was to shoot from the grassy knoll, essentially creating a death trap from which the President could not escape. Hunt was responsible for the set up and for getting the two out of Dallas after the assassination. While Oswald was captured and eventually murdered by Jack Ruby, a guitarist from one of Lemmy’s early bands, Kilmeister was dressed as a hobo and snuck out of town in an outbound train car.
Hunt cut ties to Lemmy in order to keep the murder a secret. Lemmy returned to England and got involved in the rock scene, first as a roadie to Jimi Hendrix, then as a member of the space-rock band Hawkwind, and finally as leader of the band Motorhead. An unnamed CIA agent who hoped the band could be used to infiltrate Soviet bloc countries and steal information while on tour introduced Philthy Animal Taylor, Motorhead’s drummer, to Lemmy. While it is not known whether this spying took place, it is clear that Philthy Animal was a CIA asset as late at 2001, when he faked his own death to hide his role in the government of Ugandan strongman Idi Amin.
The photograph obtained by Tyranny of Tradition shows Lemmy clearly standing on the grassy knoll firing the shots at Kennedy. In order to prove that it is Lemmy, we hired world-renowned dermatologist Dr. Andrew Falco to study the mole on Lemmy’s face in the picture with several other photos of Lemmy’s mole. According to Dr. Falco, he was nearly 100 percent certain that the mole on Lemmy’s face in the grassy knoll picture is the same mole he has today. Hours after meeting with us, Dr. Falco was found in his home, a victim of five self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the head.
In spite of the evidence of Lemmy’s involvement, the US government has, so far, not connected either Hunt or Lemmy to the killing. Hunt, for his part, confessed to being a part of the JFK assassination on his death bed in 2007. His confession has been largely ignored.
Many of Motorhead’s songs contain veiled references to the assassination, including the song “Stone Deaf In The USA” where Lemmy sings “You can have yourself a real good time…..You can have yourself a life of crime…Get me back to JFK.” The next verse ominously begins with the words “Down To Texas, Can’t Get Enough.”
Rumors have been floating around for years that Ace of Spades was actually the nickname he had for the Mannlicher-Carcano rifle that Lemmy, an avid gun collector, claimed to have bought for 100,000 dollars in the late 70s because of its use in a well-known, but unnamed murder. It is our belief that the famous murder linked to “The Ace of Spades” rifle is the assassination of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy and the assassin was, in fact, Lemmy Kilmeister.
For most people, having one liver removed is a torturous affair that leaves them with months of painful recovery. Yesterday afternoon, Lemmy Kilmister became the first man to ever have both livers removed at the same time. The marathon 6-hour surgery was followed by a half hour of recovery, dinner at a local bar and a 2-hour set of classic Motorhead tunes at The Rock Center, a metal club in downtown Pocatello, Idaho.
Doctors advised Lemmy to take at least three months off from performing, but his commitment to playing heavy metal was too great to hold him back. “I didn’t want to let the fans in Idaho down. After all, what do they really have to live for beyond the occasional concert?” said Lemmy this morning during his 3-hour weightlifting session.
Lemmy is no stranger to overcoming medical emergencies and soldiering on. Everyone is, of course, familiar with the time that in 1983 in Antwerp, Belgium he was mauled on stage by 15 pit bulls and continued to play his bass in spite of missing 9 fingers.
Who could forget the time the Chinese government accidentally detonated a nuclear bomb at a test facility 1,000 meters away from a Motorhead concert in Shanghai in 1988? Everyone within a radius of 12 miles was killed except Lemmy, who went on to play the entire Orgasmatron album from beginning to end to an arena filled with annihilated corpses.
However, because of Lemmy’s advanced age, going on stage after a surgery of this type may be his greatest feat.
Doctors are baffled as to how a man who has done so much damage to his body continues to exist. There were rumors as recently as 2003 that he was killed and replaced by a Lemmy-like robot, but several doctors have done independent tests to prove that he is a human. There was also rampant speculation that Lemmy has regularly been shooting the DNA of famed Russian monk Rasputin directly into his arm in the hopes of becoming indestructible, but this also has not been confirmed.
Some researchers have reasoned that it is possible that consuming the amount of Jack Daniels that he has ingested over his lifetime has actually made his body impervious to harm of any kind. Regardless of what his secret is, it is very possible that Lemmy cannot be destroyed by traditional means and will live on well into the next millennium.
In a move that has left many industry insiders scratching their heads, the remaining members of the band Judas Priest have left the band and joined a Judas Priest cover band called Nightcrawler. The band, whose members have agreed to step aside and instead handle Judas Priest’s touring responsibilities, have been a staple of the greater Villa Rica, Georgia metal scene for the past fifteen years. Rob Halford and the boys plan on taking over Nightcrawlers’ regular Sunday night gig at Joe Don’s House of Beer as well as occasionally traveling to Macon and Atlanta for gigs.
This began as another satire article, but I’m afraid it will not make it. Instead, I believe the philosophical dimensions of this story are far more interesting. Who are Judas Priest? A collection of specific musicians who play a certain number of songs they have written in the past. Maybe. Think of Priest like your body. If your body doesn’t have all of its limbs it is still your body. If Al Atkins or Rob Halford or KK Downing leave the band, they are still technically Judas Priest, as we have seen. While many fans would argue that the band changed greatly when Ripper Owens was the singer, you can’t really argue they weren’t Judas Priest. After all, they put out two albums under the name Judas Priest. You can go look on my mantle; they are filed under “J”.
Under what circumstances is Judas Priest not Judas Priest or, even more interestingly, under what circumstances would you no longer be you? Lets say all the members of Judas Priest left and another group of musicians came in and played the same songs, would that still be Priest? The band Yes has transitioned through new scores of new members at every instrument and they still are known as Yes (although their was some legal wrangling to determine whether that was true).
Similarly, if all of your limbs were removed, then all of your organs except for the brain, you’d still be you, right? In fact, no one would have a kidney removed and say “I’m no longer me anymore”. You might not even need stop at the brain. Take away the parts that control motor function and coordination and you are still you. Really, what you are is that small section of the brain that contains memories and the idea of who you are. You may argue that there is a soul, but until you show me one with a tag on it saying “Exhibit A”, I cannot enter it as evidence.
Back to our Judas Priest problem. If Judas Priest left, but became a Judas Priest cover band, I’d have a difficult time figuring out who the real Priest is, but I’d probably eventually settle on the idea that the band playing that the members of Judas Priest joined was the real Priest. After all, the audience might identify with the name Priest, but most people derive the identity of the band from their memories of what the band was and meant. The meaning is not solely attached to the name, but the collection of memories that follow the band and some of the identifying, tangible characteristics. However, if all the members left and started a mariachi band, that would not be Judas Priest. They need to be playing the same songs, doing the same stage show, etc. in order to still qualify as the real Priest. Some form of the identity must be the same.
Here’s where it gets tricky. If Judas Priest’s members didn’t leave the band and kept the name, but chose to all of a sudden play mariachi songs and change their stage show, they would still be Priest, just not if they left and did the same thing. Just like if you changed careers or got remarried or became a professional baseball player, you’d still be considered you. So, the name Judas Priest does have value in terms of an identity marker for fans, but it is not the only characteristic that makes up identity and, as we will see, it is not always necessary.
If your brain were pulled out and put into another body, let’s say Lemmy’s body, I believe the person who had Lemmy’s body would be you. Therefore, while people would call you Lemmy, you would still be you, just in Lemmy’s body. As noted philosopher Shelley Kagan once said when presented with a similar problem “follow the brain”. However, here’s where identity gets messy, most people would find it difficult to believe you if you were walking around in Lemmy’s body claiming to be you unless they knew about this brain transplant. They’d believe you were Lemmy, even if you knew things Lemmy couldn’t possibly know about you.
It is safe to claim that what you perceive to be you is far different than what others perceive to be you. Your internal identity does not match the identity the world has for you. Let’s say that for years, all the members of the band were gone and replaced with lookalikes. Unless you had some knowledge of this, you’d assume you were watching Judas Priest when you saw them in concert. In our example, however, the audience was made aware of the shift, so the identity of the band would stay with Halford and the guys. Had they not been and had the cover band from Villa Rica been convincing lookalikes, people would have been none the wiser.
The point is, we think we know what a band is, based on our memories and recollections, but really we only know our created image of the band. The difference between the internal perceptions of the band and the external ideas are miles apart. Our image of the band has some similarities to the views of others and a few similarities to how the band views itself, but for the most part there is no common relationship except for a few markers here and there.
This is also the great problem of personal identity. How are we meant to function in a world where we see ourselves as one thing, but the world sees us as something else? Sure, there are some meeting points, but overall we have no clue how they see us. We are left to play a perpetual guessing game where we will never find the answer.
Who are Judas Priest? I’m not really sure. I know I have my version, you have yours and they have theirs. The places where we meet are certainly Judas Priest, but the places where we don’t are also Judas Priest. We know enough to know and agree that the band that left Judas Priest in our story is Judas Priest, but we lack enough evidence to understand what Judas Priest is in its totality.
We filter Judas Priest through our own minds and have an image completely exclusive to us. Judas Priest is our Judas Priest, a Judas Priest of the mind. We are forever stuck trying to reconcile that image with the image of those around us and failing miserably at the task. Such is the lot of humans when searching for truth. Stuck looking at one tiny, infinitesimal section of the map while trying desperately to figure out where everything is.