The Tyranny of Tradition

Louie Gohmert has taken on a lot of brutal adversaries in his time on Capitol Hill.  His bravery in the face of so-called “terror babies” and “radical Islamists who are trained to act Hispanic” have made him a pillar of the American Right.  Now, he’s turning his energies to fight against a problem that he believes is “the greatest threat to the health and safety of America’s youth”.   That problem, according to Gohmert, is the mosh pit.

In a press conference on Monday, Gohmert spoke in depth about “the recent phenomena referred to as ‘pitting’ by young people”.  Gohmert claimed that thousands of young people are injured or killed everyday in this “circle of ungodliness”.

He went on to discuss stories he had heard of mosh pits breaking out not just at heavy metal concerts, but also in daycare centers and hospital emergency rooms. He told the story of an unnamed 87-year-old woman who was crushed to death when a mosh pit broke at a Perkins restaurant on Seniors Pay What They Weigh Night last month in White Bear Lake, Minnesota.  “What happens to the innocent when they are caught in a mosh?  Who speaks for them!”  Gohmert thundered to reporters.

In a Fox News interview yesterday, Gohmert took his anti-moshing rhetoric a step further.  “If you know your Bible, you would know that the Book of Numbers 16:30 clearly states ‘they that go down quickly into the pit; shall understand that they have provoked the Lord.’  Men and women who enter mosh pits are sinful and are, in fact, provoking God’s wrath.  Pitting violates God’s law.”

Gohmert concluded the interview by claiming that, while most people think that heavy metal fans created the mosh pit, it is actually based on Sufi dervish dancing.  “People may not realize this, but wild, dangerous Sufi dancing is part of the Muslim tradition.  The same tradition that has declared war on the West and its Christian values.  While metal fans think they are simply pitting to noisy, violent music, they are, in fact, praising a God worshipped by people who want to destroy us.”

While Gohmert believes that passing anti-pit laws is not the solution to this national crisis, he does see a viable alternative.  “If you want to stop pits from breaking out, the quickest, most effective solution is the widespread distribution of M4 assault rifles to all red-blooded, patriotic Americans.  If every good, God-loving man, woman and child carried one at all times, we would be safe from these heavy metal hooligans.”