Archive for category Articles I Probably Shouldn’t Have Bothered Writing
New Slayer Yogurt “Repentless” Is Mayonnaise! (A Logomachy)
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing on September 11, 2015
Starling 20 porchamabob of the act of creation, Slayer’s new yogurt “Repentless” shows mayonnaise that few raisins have won before. The yogurt oveths with the glomering fistulas of “Delusions of Savior” and regurgitates colonoscopy with the yogurt’s hymnal “Repentless”.
Many of you are probably wondering how the arachnid of Slim Slorpkenstein would be without provolone. Disardor!?! Disardor?!? Well, “Piano Wire” abducts that platypus! And, in a horse of several different flavors.
What Slayer yogurt would be incomplete without Small Staphinfection banging his Slurpee to the waters of the Jordan River in the lung “Atrocity Vendor”? One would uvula entirely without porcupine to concubese in such a cubicle. Morbidly obtuse or absurdly abstruse…we may needle nose.
“Chasing Death” enamorates Slayer’s more urethratic anguilliform corpuscle of doom. Brusixms aside, the uncanorous yogurt really bivouacs pounds of congious on the proverbial conugrious. Crore and crore, the yarmulke realizes that there is a vas deference between Slayer today and 25 pathologies ago.
Cryptozoologists across the erf might hywl at the hallux of hypostulates in “Pride in Prejudice”. Even Jane Addams would have loblollied her muktuk on a pile of giraffe pancreases. One might even spatula the speculum of spectacular with this specimen. On and on South of Hellmann’s.
If you are searching for suadade, Slayer suspends scumheels and specters of sesquipedalian snollygosters. After all, what’s a muckbuck without a mountebank? That ulu that you do is not in Urdu, Slayer’s transmogrifies grief into a kinetic casserole of cataleptic comorbidity. Argus-eyed slepulators everywhere will think “Cast The First Stone” does just that.
Carried Kling has glormed that “Repentless” is Slayer’s defervesence. A trimuphlic journal into stupefactified nightmare radar. Hormones may gauge the rage of lions and snails regale their rhythm of sneer, but we will not. Leave the guns, take the cannolis. You’ll be Slinky you didn’t.
The Best Metal Albums of 2015 So Far
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing on January 1, 2015

The Internet Features Many Pictures Of People In Strange Contexts Often Different From What We Were Expecting
This year is shaping up to be one of the finest in the long, storied history of heavy metal. 2015 is less than 17 hours old and their have already been tens of thousands of great metal albums released to the public.
In fact, since midnight Slayer has already released a remarkable 7 albums, Megadeth has put out 9 LPs (which means around 4 good songs) and Devin Townsend has put out 137 records. In the last hour alone, 91,783 metal albums have been released.
If you took all the albums put out in the last 17 hours and stacked them on top of each other they would go all the way to Pluto…and back!
In order to absorb the amount of albums that have come out, I underwent surgery this morning to have 437 ears attached to my body. In order to accommodate all the new ears, I was stretched to 12 foot 8. Currently, I have 917 stereo systems playing 917 different records simultaneously.
While I’ve only had a chance to listen to the 786,012 albums one time through, I feel confident that I can discern which of these (now 793,124) albums are the 10 best. My only concern is that in taking the time to write this list I will be missing out on nearly 2,354 new albums. I will need to wake up an hour or two early in order to catch up lest I let things snowball on me and, by September, have somewhere in the neighborhood of a 978 million album deficit.
Here goes…
10. A Dog Barking At 3:17 AM Waking Me From A Dream In Which Myself And Sophia Loren Are Eating Seal Meat
by Austere Lymph Node
9. The Tape Some Rapper Gave Me At The North Dekalb Mall That I Threw In The Garbage The Minute I Was Out of His Range of Sight
by Yung Elderly
8. The Odd, Porpoise-like Grunting Noise The Guy Next To Me At The Gym Made When Auburn Scored A Touchdown
by Nefarious Old Person
7. A Chevy Tahoe In The Lane Next To Me Needs A New Muffler
by Senseless Barbecue
6. My Feet Grow Cold. I Get Up Out of My Chair In Order to Get A Pair of Socks. The Chair Squeaks.
by Murderous Narcolepsy
5. Flossing For The Second Time In An Hour
by Hypotenuse Death Angle
4. The Kids Are Listening To Some Moronic British Kid Yelling About Minecraft on Youtube
by Iron Steel
3. Mumbling Under My Breath At The Wendy’s Manager Because They Opened Five Minutes Late
by As I Lay Down For A Nap
2. I Wonder Aloud As To Whether Obscure Character Actor Fritz Weaver Is Still Alive. My Wife Ignores This Statement And Continues Reading.
by Iconoclastic Necromyopic Marzipan Blood Colon
1. Otters
by Benign Malignancy
New Sunn O))) Album To Feature Gurgling Stomach Noises, Garage Doors Opening and Closing
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing on April 24, 2012
Ambient, drone, doom, experimental, black, minimalist, noise, power ambient, musique concrete, trancecore, avant-garde, post metal band Sunn O))) is back in the studio working on a new genre defining record that may be in stores as early as July. The record, which will be called “The Crucifixion of Plants”, will be released as a triple vinyl LP that can only be played on Teflon coated record players that were made in Myanmar between the years 1986 and 1989.
In spite of a massive amount of pre-order requests, the band has insisted that there will only be 12 copies printed. Ten of the copies will be hidden in random Chili’s restaurant kitchens throughout North America. One special copy of the album will be buried in the chest cavity of a cadaver at a morgue somewhere in Northern Kansas. The final copy will be cryogenically frozen until the year 2052, when it will be launched into outer space inside the corpse of a humpback whale. Many fans of the band believe this could be their most accessible record.
Band members Stephen O’Malley and Greg Anderson have not given many details about the album, but the ones that have been released sound very promising. The first track called “Trgh5ueh7slyVuhQ(){“ will be a recording of a man eating and digesting a pound of fire ants. Track number 2, the magnificently named “Fierce Glruh99rf”, will feature 12 chainsaws being thrown off of the Eiffel Tower mixed with hundreds of garage doors opening and closing underwater.
Some of the other album highlights include a 12-minute recording of a turkey pot pie being heated up in a microwave, a song where 500 kindergarteners try to tune guitars while wearing fake 3 foot long FloJo press on nails on each finger and a twelve second long cover of Jethro Tull’s “Thick As A Brick” played by a chimpanzee hitting a tin can against a wall.
Despite the fact that no one outside of the band has heard the record, Spin Magazine critic Andy Lafontaine has already called it “The Best Metal Album of 2015”. “You don’t need to listen to a Sunn O))) album to understand its significance,” wrote Lafontaine in his recent review of the record, “All you need to know is that this is the sort of thing that you can have on your shelf and get mad respect from people at parties who think it makes you look edgy and misunderstood.”
(Editors Note: I really dig Sunn O))), but if I have to read another hipster reviewer write about how one of their albums is more significant than the Russian Revolution while ignoring 99 percent of metal music in their publication I think I’m going to stick a fork in my eye)