When rumors first came out a few months back about Glenn Danzig taking a break from touring because of his pregnancy, most people thought it was just a publicity stunt or a very strange joke. However, on Friday at 5:34 AM, after being in labor for 18 hours, Danzig gave birth to two beautiful daughters. The girls, Christina and Sistinas, both weighed nearly seven pounds and were in great health. Danzig, overcome by the beauty of the moment, broke into an soulful, impromptu version of “Mother” as he lay prone on the operating table.
While male pregnancies are not common, thanks to medical technology they are becoming a bit less rare. Danzig, however, needed no help from doctors in order to spontaneously grow a womb and ovaries. He simply willed it.
Danzig, who is planning on creating a master race of Danzig children all sharing his superior DNA, knew that he couldn’t rely on his wives to help create perfect beings. In spite of the fact that he is currently married to 64 women, including actress Meryl Streep, he claimed in a recent interview that he refused to “diminish his essence” by procreating with others.
Danzig is not a stranger to bizarre birth stories. He was, in fact, born in a laboratory in Lodi, New Jersey in 1955. Dr. Helmut Neumann, a German scientist who immigrated to the US after World War 2, created Danzig by mixing the DNA of blues singer Robert Johnson, Russian mystic Rasputin and an Alaskan Grey Wolf. The result was a human who carried a nearly godlike voice, the ability to make women fall in love with him by simply breathing and the power to control the minds of feral animals. Some Danzig fans have claimed that his sweat is capable of curing lupus if ingested once a week for two consecutive months, but this has yet to be independently verified by scientists.
In spite of the fact that they are only three days old, the Danzig girls have already not only exhibited the ability to talk, they have already learned how to deny the possibility of a full Misfits reunion. The twins have received a great deal of attention around the nursury for their famous father and their matching devilock hairstyles. MTV has already approached the babies about doing their own reality television show called “The Danzig Sisters” which should be on television starting in the fall.
#1 by Universe Number Five on February 20, 2012 - 6:05 PM
Again with the literary gold… I wonder if the North Side Kings played the baby shower?
#2 by Keith Spillett on February 20, 2012 - 6:11 PM
#3 by Tarleisio on June 19, 2013 - 3:11 AM
This really made my day. Now, I’m wondering about their ‘baptism’…
#4 by Guy de Varine-Bohan on December 4, 2013 - 7:03 AM
it will be in blood
#5 by Tarleisio on December 6, 2013 - 4:28 PM
It couldn’t possibly be anything else.
#6 by Pete' De Jesus on June 19, 2013 - 9:35 AM
This goes beyond any human conprehension….WHOA* truth is STRANGER than FICTION*
#7 by richmackinMackin on December 4, 2013 - 3:58 AM
I would imagine he nurses them on breasts filled of French Onion Soup.
#8 by Guy de Varine-Bohan on December 4, 2013 - 6:51 AM
I am so proud of my man taking the role of MOTHER and delivering our exquisite daughters, Christina and Sistina , I can’t tell you how proud I am that he broke off his love affair with Rollins and came back home to where he belongs, with his evil loving partner Bone de Bone to produce two of the most wicked females on earth.
#9 by Guy de Varine-Bohan on December 4, 2013 - 6:57 AM
You have two little sister Jakestone
#10 by nick on December 4, 2013 - 1:14 PM
Hopefully he doesn’t hack their heads off and put them on his wall.
#11 by Toni on December 4, 2013 - 3:04 PM
#12 by Obed Marsh Jr on December 5, 2013 - 9:56 AM
Still giggling. Good stuff!
#13 by Tim on December 11, 2013 - 4:32 PM
Of course, we all know Henry Rollins was the father. 🙂
#14 by Shary on May 9, 2014 - 6:48 AM
Awesome! That is all