Archive for April, 2011

Trump Accuses Obama of Being First Overkill Drummer

Mr. Skates Goes To Washington?

In a continuing assault on the life and career of President Barack Obama, 2016 Presidential candidate Donald Trump accused Obama of being the drummer for the metal band Overkill on the albums “Feel The Fire” and “Taking Over“.

In an interview with syndicated conservative talk radio host Jonathan Winthrop, Trump said “If you look in the liner notes at the first two albums they have someone named Rat Skates listed as the drummer.  That can’t possibly be a real name.  I believe that Barack Obama was playing drums on both of those records.”

This is another in a series of accusations made by Republicans that Obama is, in fact, a “secret metalhead”. The accusations started two months ago when Glenn Beck revealed that Obama was in a thrash band in Chicago while he was working as a community organizer in the mid-1980s.  Beck claimed that Obama’s band “mostly did Coroner and Slayer covers, but a few originals.”

Other reports have claimed that the band, known as Barry O’Death and the October Revolution (BODOR), recorded a demo but nearly all of the copies have been destroyed.  Various media outlets have contacted three supposed members of the group but no one has agreed to go on record about having played in the band.

Trump claimed last month that one of his investigators had gotten their hands on a copy and he had heard the demo.  According to Trump the sound was “very raw but pretty unoriginal.  They seemed to be trying to copy Exodus ‘Bonded By Blood’ on most of the tracks.”

According to Trump, the demo had ten songs on it with titles ranging from “Destroyer of Worlds” to “When Death Rides A Horse” to “Free Healthcare for Everyone”. Obama has never directly addressed the metal rumors but in his biography Dreams from My Father he does discuss being “really impressed with the first Manowar album, particularly the epic feel of the song Battle Hymn”.

Rat Skates on Tour With Overkill in 1981

Rat Skates on Tour With Overkill in 1981

Trump supported his latest accusation by claiming that the drumming on “Feel The Fire” was extremely similar to the playing on the BODOR demo.  “I have heard a lot of drummers over the years and this person who is supposedly known as Rat Skates plays just like Obama.  There is no way you could hear the song Blood and Iron and think it was anyone but the future President playing.  The styles are too much alike.”

Trump has encouraged Obama to come out and be forthright with the American people about his metal past.  “It’s not right that the President is keeping the American people in the dark about an issue as important as his taste in music.  If the President listens to thrash, death or even proto-doom, it’s important that the people know so they can make informed decisions.”

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Venom Singer Saddened By Royal Snub

Uncle Cronos

There is one Brit who is still waiting for his invitation to tomorrow’s wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton.  Cronos (Conrad Lant), the bass player and singer from the band Venom, has checked his mailbox everyday patiently waiting for a message that may never come.  Why would the lead singer of a band that recorded songs like “Sons of Satan” expect an invite to one of the most sacred and important events in Britain this century?  Cronos is, in fact, Kate Middleton’s uncle.

As hard as this may be to believe for many metalheads, Cronos is the brother of Kate’s mom Mary Lant.  In an exclusive interview with The Tyranny of Tradition, Cronos revealed that he had a close relationship with Kate from the time she was a baby.  “We were on tour supporting the Welcome to Hell album when I got the call.   Little Katy was about to be born.  The band and I cancelled the show and rushed to the hospital.  I’ll never forget when I held her for the first time.  Abaddon and I broke down in tears.  It was beautiful,” recalled Cronos.

Cronos was always a big part of the future princesses life.  She grew up going to Venom concerts and was even in the studio when the band recorded their third album “At War With Satan”.  “Mantas had this great idea to have her voice mixed into the background of the song “Aaaaaarrghh” but it we were never able to get it to sound right.”

As Kate got older she got more involved with the band.  “She started playing drums at age 7 and even sat in with us a few times during concerts.  She played Buried Alive with us at a show in Coventry back during the reunion in 1995 and was amazing.  She reminded me a lot of Dave Lombardo.”

When the royal couple first started dating Kate promised Cronos that they might play at the wedding if the two ever decided to tie the knot.  “She had this whole idea about us playing Countess Bathory during the part of the service where she walked up to the altar.  I thought it was crazy, but she kept bringing the idea up. I’d have been honored to play her wedding.”

Cronos was in touch with Kate as recently as seven months ago, but since the wedding announcement she has not returned any of his phone calls.  “She used to call me her favorite uncle.  She loved singing songs with me when she was a little girl.  We used to sing the song “Black Metal” together.  She loved doing the growling part at the end.  Now she won’t even talk to me.”

There have been few mentions of Cronos’ relationship with Kate in the British press.  He believes the royal family has conspired to keep the Kate Middleton/Venom connection out of the media.  “There used to be video of her playing with us up on YouTube, but that was mysteriously taken down months ago.  I feel like they are embarrassed by my career as one of the founding fathers of Satan influenced thrash metal.  I’m not trying to get famous out of this or make money.  I just want my Little Katy back.”

 

 

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The Banality of Evil

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The Price of Freedom Is 4 Dollars

“as freedom is a breakfastfood” –ee cummings

The smell of freedom.  I hadn’t thought much about this idea until a few hours ago.  What, in fact, does freedom smell like?  While wandering aimlessly through CVS this morning I happened upon a new Old Spice product referred to as “Fiji”.  It is a combination of unpronounceable chemicals that are supposed to save me from hours of social humiliation if I simply roll it onto my armpits.  A sticker on the front announced to me and anyone else who passed through aisle 9 that it “smells like Palm Trees, Sunshine and Freedom”.  Fantastic!  I threw it in my shopping cart immediately.   Four bucks for the scent of freedom?!?!?  A bargain if you ask me.

This could be the beginning to one of those columns where the writer quotes George Orwell a lot and rails on and on about the dire effects of the degradation of language.  I promise you, it isn’t.  If you haven’t figured out that language has been cheapened I recommend that you get back in your spaceship and go home immediately.  Instead, I’d like to take a few moments to genuinely appreciate how the word “freedom” has become a complete free-for-all of a word that may not mean anything but does so in the most convincing of ways.

The Old Spice deodorant claim is a beautiful example of it.  You can stick the word freedom on the end of anything and it sounds like a halfway convincing argument.  Old Spice even manages to have the added dimension of irony attached to it.  If you are a complete rube and you think that buying a specific brand of fumigant will make you more free, go ahead and buy the product.  If you are one of those self-aware ironic types who looks down on those moronic enough to be influenced by this claim, go ahead and buy the product and laugh at those other idiots who bought the product.  Freedom for everyone!!!

I must tell you that I happen to be an expert on the subject of freedom.  I am an American.  Many of my politicians have taken great pains to remind me that Americans are the freest people on earth.  We are so free that former President and freedom lover George W Bush announced to the world that the reason 9/11 took place is that “they hate us for our freedom”.  You have to be pretty darned free to be hated for your freedom.

Just in case those credentials don’t impress you enough I should tell you that if we could afford to own a house my family and I would most certainly get our loan from American Freedom Mortgage or American Freedom Lending and we would get our homeowners insurance through American Freedom Insurance.

I am so free that I basically sweat freedom out of my pores.  If an unfree person happened to get my sweat on them, they would immediately become free.  Sweating is kind of a problem for me, which is why we will hire American Freedom Heating and Air to cool off the house that we will be able to afford at some point in the next 50 years.

How will we get our furniture to the new house you ask?  By putting it in a 2009 Pace American Freedom Cargo Hauler which we will fill with gasoline at American Freedom Fuel and Package Store.  On our journey to our new home (located in Freedom, Wisconsin) we plan on letting freedom ring by visiting the American Freedom Bell in Charlotte, North Carolina.

We are certainly not living the American Dream if we don’t have a dog in our new home, so we plan to purchase a cute little pit-bull over at American Freedom Kennels.  Pit-bulls are expensive dogs, but after all, freedom isn’t free.

One of the great things about being an American is that I can freely use the word freedom anytime I want.  “Freedom!”  Want to see it again?  “Freedom!!!!”  Not convinced?  “Freedom!!!”  “Freedom!!!!!!!”  “Freedom!!!!!!!!!!”  See!  Some places don’t let you do that.  It is really important that you get to do that, because if you can’t, you are NOT free.  That would be bad.

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5 Reasons Men Should Go To The Doctor

You probably saw the article last week on Yahoo that “Men Often Don’t Go To The Doctor Because They Secretly Long To Die”.  The story was based on a survey that 90 percent of men would rather spend their time watching re-runs of “Two And A Half Men”, eating enormous plates of fried foods and harassing female bartenders than going to the doctor.  According to a study done by a guy I know from work, most American men have cholesterol rates over 2,300 and nearly 3,000 on weekends.  This wouldn’t be such a bad thing, except for the fact that some doctors have recently linked high cholesterol with heart problems.

According to the American Academy of People With Stethoscopes and BMWs, 56 percent of men between the ages of 25 and 34 don’t even know what the word “doctor” means.  What gives?

Simple.  “Men are pretty freakin’ stupid,” says I.P. Knightly, a contributing editor to Urologist Weekly and writer of best-selling books “Urine Trouble” and “You Gotta Be Kid-ney”.  “Men avoid doctors, mostly because they are scardey cats and also because their co-pays are around 80 bucks a visit.  Therefore, many men at some point in their life will die, in some cases without warning.”

Here are 5 warning signs that should tell you to go to a doctor immediately:

Profuse bleeding

Many American men see bleeding as a sign of weakness.  They think it shows that they are too emotional.  They worry that women will not be attracted to them because they are hemorrhaging out of their face, neck and chest.  So, they try to pretend they aren’t bleeding.

The first major symptom of bleeding is blood loss.  This is often followed by a red substance staining their clothes.  Men often ignore these signs until it is too late and they have ruined the nice white carpet in their office.

“Bleeding is a really bad sign,” says Dr. Marvin Obvious, a noted PhD who has spent most of his career studying the history of adhesive tape.  “Exercise and diet can help, but major loss of blood can overcome these things and lead to, well, something bad.”

Growth of Additional Limbs

I know, I know, you find that additional arm a big help in your job at the local copy shop.  Maybe you’ve gotten some complements on those extra toes that appeared at the end of your chin.  But beware, these seemingly innocuous appendages could be a sign of a deeper problem.

9 out of 10 Americans who have grown extra legs may be morphing into giant human spiders said a survey in the Upper Alabama Journal of Medicine and Other Forms of Witchcraft.  Sure, they look cool, but at what cost!

Stoppage of Breathing That Lasts More Than A Week

What do all dead people have in common?  If you guessed, “they are not breathing” you are exactly right.  If you haven’t drawn breath in more than a week there is a good chance that you may, in fact, be dead.  A visit to the doctor could help delay the onset of early rigor mortis and severe bad breath.  Please, do not drive to your doctor if you have this symptom.  You may be lucky and just be one of the legions of undead zombies that walk the earth, but why risk an accident.

Spontaneous Combustion

A silent killer ends the lives of nearly 1.8 million Americans every month. Four thousand humans accidentally burst into flame every ten seconds around the world.  This horrible affliction turns average, normal people into human blowtorches at a moments notice. It often goes unrecognized, but people all around us are exploding all the time.  If you notice profuse sweating, overwhelming thirst and flames shooting from your chest your body may be telling you something.Americans who have been diagnosed with pyrokinesis are especially susceptible to this ailment.

An Overwhelming Urge To Eat Someone You Know

Some cultures practice ritual cannibalism.  We, unfortunately, are not one of them.  Besides the risk of social embarrassment that acting on this fantasy could create, there is the issue of indigestion and potential consequences from improperly prepared human remains.  If you are looking greedily at a friend or family member thinking of eating them…DON’T.  It’s unhealthy, dangerous and just plain gross.

So, the moral of the story is see your doctor.  The American Doctors In Need Of Pensions Because They Invested In Tech Stocks Association recommend visiting your doctor at least 3 times a week.  American men who visit their doctors regularly, don’t smoke, avoid ingesting large amounts of heroin or arsenic and eat more than once a week are four times as likely to live into their 70s.  And as everyone knows, the most important thing is not being dead.

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Dumb Metal Rumors and The People Who Love Them

Metalheads, as a lot, tend to be some the most cynical people on the planet, but we are often willing to believe some amazingly suspect information. Get a roomful of bangers together and most of them will agree that the government, in league with a group of rancorous aliens who crashed in New Mexico, are conspiring to enslave the human race and force us to listen to Black Eyed Peas records until our ears bleed.  What can be said of a group that seems to have a universal distrust Christianity but believe strongly in the existence of Satan?  We tend to be suspicious of any sort of authority structure, but have complete faith in strangers who happen to arrange a series of musical notes in a way that makes us want to run into each other screaming “KILL!!!!”.  In short, we are a group that is susceptible to getting caught up in some bizarre rumors.

Over the years there have been a some I particularly enjoyed.  Here are a few of them…

Paging Dr. Goregrind


The story goes something like this…A bunch of frustrated med students dropped out of college moments away from becoming doctors.  They took their wealth of medical training and used it to write a series of revolting metal albums in the late 80s and early 90s.  These albums, which featured songs with catchy titles like “Swarming Vulgar Mass of Infected Virulency” and “Cadaveric Incubator of Endoparasites”, must have been penned by people with an acute understanding of human anatomy, the type of understanding that could only be gained by hours of study at a medical college.  It’s a great story and it actually makes some sense but it is completely untrue.  Carcass are, in fact, brilliant musicians with highly overdeveloped vocabularies and no medical training whatsoever.  This didn’t stop a friend of mine, years back, from sending a letter to the band offering to allow them to remove his spleen onstage.

 

Malevolent Obfuscation

The saga of Phil Fasciana, guitarist from the band Malevolent Creation, and his heroic killing of a “80-pound homeless crackhead” Kwik E Mart robber gripped the metal world back in 2009.  Apparently, Phil stumbled in looking to buy some chocolate milk and was shot at by the thief.  In a scene that seems right out of a bad Don “The Dragon” Wilson action flick (because it probably was), Phil tackled the bad guy and wrestled his gun away.  But this cagey crackhead reached for his hideout piece located, in of all places, his sock.  Phil was forced to fire on the guy and kill him.  There were more holes in the story than in the USS Bismarck.  The poor, desperate homeless guy with enough money for two guns.  The lack of a murder weapon, a dead body or a witness.  Days afterwards, the police confirmed the story was complete nonsense.  This didn’t stop a good number of metalheads, myself in particular, from running wild with this fable.

The Parable of The Cave

Wolves in the Throne Room are just your average Rudolph Steiner reading, eco-anarchist black metal band.  Over the years, they have rightfully gained a reputation for being somewhat eclectic.  This, however, does not mean they live in a cave.  Nearly every description I heard about the band went like this “They sound like ____________________ and they remind me of ______________________ and, get this, they live in a cave.”  In fairness, they do look like they live in a cave, but so do 2/3rds of the metalheads under the age of 25.  They live on an organic farm. There are clear structural differences between a cave and a farm that I shouldn’t have to explain.

Dead…Again?


Death rumors are a favorite among metalheads.  Back in 2005, Type O Negative pulled off the ultimate hoax when they convinced the world that singer Peter Steele had died.  This became quite confusing when Steele actually died last year.  Was he really dead this time?  Would he rise on the second day as some sort of ironic, Easter-themed publicity stunt?  The last album was named Dead Again for gosh sakes!  And Rasputin was on the cover.  That zany Russian died something like 28 times and kept coming back! This had to be some sick joke.  Unfortunately, it was not and Steele has not risen…yet.

The 2005 Steele death was the most convincing death rumor I have heard, but far from the first.  I’ll never forget spending an embarrassing evening back in 1993 mourning Pantera singer Phil Anselmo’s untimely death.  The word was he had dove off of the stage and the crowd had parted, unwilling to take seriously their responsibilities as members of the metal community, allowing Phil to slam into the floor. His neck broke and he was pronounced dead in the pit.  The injustice!  I remember mournfully looking at the sky and shouting “I would have caught you, Phil!  I would have caught you!”

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News and Notes From Around Major League Baseball For The Severely Deranged

Chipper Celebrates His Big Night

Last night was a historic night at Turner Field as Braves third baseman Chipper Jones was scratched from the lineup with his 3,000th oblique injury.  While taking batting practice, Chipper felt a familiar tug in between his stomach and his ribcage and knew that he had done something special.  He informed the trainer and Manager Fredi Gonzalez about the accomplishment immediately and his name was removed from the lineup card.  The capacity crowd of 35,000 people leaped to their feet when the lineup change was announced and Chipper was given a five-minute curtain call during which he pulled a hamstring muscle.  After the game, Chipper’s entire oblique muscle was removed and sent to Cooperstown.   “There are many moments that live forever in the minds of baseball fans, Hank Aaron’s 755 homerun, Pete Rose’s 4192 hit, Oliver Perez’ 10,000th wild pitch and now this moment,” said commissioner Bud Selig in a ceremony held in the Emergency Room at Atlanta’s Grady Hospital, “There is a new strained oblique muscle champion and his name is Chipper Jones!”

In other injury news, the Mets placed Jason Bay on the 15,000 day disabled list retroactive to 2004.  Bay was diagnosed with a broken leg, three sprained fingers, a ruptured spleen, toxic megacolon, chimpanzee acne, male pattern baldness, mumps, gastroenteritis, Bogart-Bacall Syndrome, an ulcer, type 4 feline diabetes, colic and schizophrenia.  Bay sustained all of these injuries crashing into the wall at Dodgers Stadium in a game last July.  The Mets Medical Staff has ordered Bay to fly back and forth from the West Coast four times a day for the next month in order to improve his condition.  Former Mets General Manager Omar Minaya responded to this latest setback by offering Bay a 5 year 100 million dollar extension.  The Mets, unclear as to why a person who is no longer GM is making offers to players, responded by offering Bay a 7 year 140 million dollar extension.  Mets GM Sandy Alderson said in an afternoon press conference that “As a major market team, we simply cannot be outbid by former employees who no longer run baseball teams.”

Yesterday, Oakland A’s GM Billy Beane signed 12 year old Little League sensation Ryan Murphy.  Murphy had a .560 OBP in 132 at-bats for his Pony League team, The Shoprite Superstars and had a 1.230 OPS in all summer wiffleball games played between 14th and 18th Street in Columbus, Ohio.  Murphy, a 5 foot 2 and 345 pound shortstop, is thought the team’s leadoff hitter of the future.

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa debuted his new “lefty-killer” defense designed to neutralize the power hitting left-handed bats on the Phillies in St. Louis last night. The defense featured 3 second baseman, 2 first baseman and 11 rightfielders.  LaRussa, a manager known for employing creative lineups and defenses, made history last week by deciding to use a designated hitter in games against other National League teams and batting Albert Pujols 2nd, 4th, 7th and 11th in the lineup.

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