You probably saw the article last week on Yahoo that “Men Often Don’t Go To The Doctor Because They Secretly Long To Die”. The story was based on a survey that 90 percent of men would rather spend their time watching re-runs of “Two And A Half Men”, eating enormous plates of fried foods and harassing female bartenders than going to the doctor. According to a study done by a guy I know from work, most American men have cholesterol rates over 2,300 and nearly 3,000 on weekends. This wouldn’t be such a bad thing, except for the fact that some doctors have recently linked high cholesterol with heart problems.
According to the American Academy of People With Stethoscopes and BMWs, 56 percent of men between the ages of 25 and 34 don’t even know what the word “doctor” means. What gives?
Simple. “Men are pretty freakin’ stupid,” says I.P. Knightly, a contributing editor to Urologist Weekly and writer of best-selling books “Urine Trouble” and “You Gotta Be Kid-ney”. “Men avoid doctors, mostly because they are scardey cats and also because their co-pays are around 80 bucks a visit. Therefore, many men at some point in their life will die, in some cases without warning.”
Here are 5 warning signs that should tell you to go to a doctor immediately:
Many American men see bleeding as a sign of weakness. They think it shows that they are too emotional. They worry that women will not be attracted to them because they are hemorrhaging out of their face, neck and chest. So, they try to pretend they aren’t bleeding.
The first major symptom of bleeding is blood loss. This is often followed by a red substance staining their clothes. Men often ignore these signs until it is too late and they have ruined the nice white carpet in their office.
“Bleeding is a really bad sign,” says Dr. Marvin Obvious, a noted PhD who has spent most of his career studying the history of adhesive tape. “Exercise and diet can help, but major loss of blood can overcome these things and lead to, well, something bad.”
Growth of Additional Limbs
I know, I know, you find that additional arm a big help in your job at the local copy shop. Maybe you’ve gotten some complements on those extra toes that appeared at the end of your chin. But beware, these seemingly innocuous appendages could be a sign of a deeper problem.
9 out of 10 Americans who have grown extra legs may be morphing into giant human spiders said a survey in the Upper Alabama Journal of Medicine and Other Forms of Witchcraft. Sure, they look cool, but at what cost!?
Stoppage of Breathing That Lasts More Than A Week
What do all dead people have in common? If you guessed, “they are not breathing” you are exactly right. If you haven’t drawn breath in more than a week there is a good chance that you may, in fact, be dead. A visit to the doctor could help delay the onset of early rigor mortis and severe bad breath. Please, do not drive to your doctor if you have this symptom. You may be lucky and just be one of the legions of undead zombies that walk the earth, but why risk an accident?
A silent killer ends the lives of nearly 1.8 million Americans every month. Four thousand humans accidentally burst into flame every ten seconds around the world. This horrible affliction turns average, normal people into human blowtorches at a moments notice. It often goes unrecognized, but people all around us are exploding all the time. If you notice profuse sweating, overwhelming thirst and flames shooting from your chest your body may be telling you something.Americans who have been diagnosed with pyrokinesis are especially susceptible to this ailment.
An Overwhelming Urge To Eat Someone You Know
Some cultures practice ritual cannibalism. We, unfortunately, are not one of them. Besides the risk of social embarrassment that acting on this fantasy could create, there is the issue of indigestion and potential consequences from improperly prepared human remains. If you are looking greedily at a friend or family member thinking of eating them…DON’T. It’s unhealthy, dangerous and just plain gross.
So, the moral of the story is see your doctor. The American Doctors In Need Of Pensions Because They Invested In Tech Stocks Association recommend visiting your doctor at least 3 times a week. American men who visit their doctors regularly, don’t smoke, avoid ingesting large amounts of heroin or arsenic and eat more than once a week are four times as likely to live into their 70s. And as everyone knows, the most important thing is not being dead.
#1 by Jim Wheeler on April 18, 2011 - 8:25 PM
Ah yes, Keith, written like a young man!
Just wait until you reach your 7th decade like I have. You start to read the obituary page every morning and gloat over the boomers you’ve outlived by being a fuddy-duddy.
Ever notice how, when you have a future date for something, it always comes around? Don’t look now, but IT’S GOING TO COME! (I plan to watch.)
#2 by Keith Spillett on April 18, 2011 - 8:34 PM
Jim, I plan to live well into my 300s. According to Ray Kurzweil, the technological singularity is only a few decades away, which will allow me to shed my body and live freely in cyberspace as an electrical organism that is capable of building planet sized computers. If this doesn’t work out for some strange reason, I plan on having my head frozen and placed next to Ted Williams in Cooperstown.
Still, all things considered, I have a feeling you are going to beat me by a few decades!
#3 by tinadot on April 18, 2011 - 8:35 PM
Keith, you’ve done it again….with yet another informative and timely article! I will make sure to show this to all of my male friends so they know these common warning signs of impending doom. Gosh, it never fails to amaze how far the medical field has come in just these last few years!
#4 by Keith Spillett on April 18, 2011 - 8:42 PM
Thanks Tina. My goal is to save at least one million people a day until the year 2314 with this article.
I have heard medical technology is making dramatic gains, including the creation of a new wonder drug that they refer to as, get this, “penicillin”. They claim this will help with all sorts of bacterial infections. This sounds kind of far-fetched if you ask me but if it is true the future is looking pretty bright.
#5 by tinadot on April 18, 2011 - 8:47 PM
Keith, I hope one day I can be as noble as you. Having said that, I urge you to check your facts again…this penicillin. Like let’s be realistic here..there is no way. I recommend Wikipedia if you are doing research for future posts, it’s this site that knows everything ever know to anything…not as crazy as penicillin but pretty darn close I would say!
#6 by Keith Spillett on April 18, 2011 - 8:59 PM
Some say I’m a dreamer, Tina, but I’m not the only one.
#7 by G-LO on April 18, 2011 - 8:47 PM
There’s advice. There’s good advice. And then there’s DAMN good advice. This Top 5 list is DAMN good advice. I’ll be sure to keep an eye out for excessive bleeding, additional limbs, stoppages of breathing, spontaneous combustion, and cannibalistic urges. I think I can handle that.
Thanks for caring enough to post this DAMN good advice!
#8 by Keith Spillett on April 18, 2011 - 8:58 PM
To quote Goldman-Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfin, “I’m just a banker doing God’s work.” I’m not sure how this quote relates to anything I or you have written, but it makes me feel warm inside.
Live long and, well, live.
#9 by G-LO on April 18, 2011 - 10:29 PM
And speaking of money… whenever the “You can’t take it with you” phrase is uttered, I always like to reply with “You’re right. I can’t take it with me. But I also don’t plan on dying tomorrow either.”
#10 by Keith Spillett on April 19, 2011 - 9:33 AM
I’m planning on have all my money buried with me. Never know when you’ll need it. Nobody wants to be the only broke guy in purgatory.
#11 by Joshua Ryan Kidd on April 19, 2011 - 1:34 PM
Freaking hilarious. I love the growth of additional limbs. This blog is numero uno, as the Icelandic people say.
#12 by Keith Spillett on April 20, 2011 - 3:35 AM
#13 by Helen on April 29, 2011 - 2:44 PM
this is a must-forward to my partner and my brother. you speak in effective manglish.