Posts Tagged United States

You Own A Gun Because You Are Afraid To Fight Me

Wayne LaPierre weakling

In America today, guns are often confused as a symbol of masculinity and power.  This misconception has been brought about through years of exposure to media images of powerful men with guns defeating Native Americans, Russians, Terrorists, and Orcs.  People in this demented nation of ours spend millions upon millions of dollars a year that could actually be used to improve the lot of themselves and those around them in the faint hopes of appearing to be what they are not.  But that is beside the point, because I’m not talking to them….I’m talking to you.

Yeah…you.  Sitting there on your couch reading this right now.  Not somebody else.  Not the other guy.  Don’t sit there thinking this is some abstract, philosophical exercise that you can remove yourself from while you sit back in judgment of some fictional, moronic cross-section of the American public.  It’s not.  I’m talking to you.  Directly.   I can see behind the absurd little lies you tell yourself in order help avoid the painful truth that you are the guy on the beach who gets sand kicked in his face by people like me.  The reason you own a gun is because you are a weakling.

Sure, I’ve heard all of your arguments.  “The Second Amendment says that I have the right to carry a gun.”  You are hiding behind some document that some dudes in wigs wrote 2000 years ago.  Everybody who owns a gun is a constitutional lawyer (except when it comes to, you know, the other 26 Amendments).  Do you know how utterly hysterical it is to watch you switch from doing your Stallone impression to pretending to be James Madison?  “Yeah, I’m a tough guy, but I got smarts too!” (read that last part in your best Fredo Coreleone voice)  Put down your law books and we can see what’s up, Tough Guy.

“But, it’s just for hunting.”  Sure.  You bought that military grade A4 assault rifle that fires 80,000 rounds per second at Walmart so that you can stop a deer from trying to get away.  Ah….yeah…that’s it.  The truth is, you bought it because you know that if it ever came down to it, I would beat you like a rented mule.  That little survivalist fantasy you keep conjuring up in your mind is simply a distraction from the simple truth that you are afraid to catch a beating from me.

I look at Wayne LaPierre, the little geek who runs the NRA, and my first thought is, “wouldn’t it be fun to push his face into a vat of french fry oil at my neighborhood McDonald’s”.  If I had that guy in a room for 15 seconds, I’d have him singing the Soviet National Anthem and screaming “Obama in 2016”.  Another one of those pasty, bloated old guys who think that having the ability to shoot up a room full of strangers makes people forget that he looks like 140 pounds of  whimpering, soft serve ice cream.  I’m right here, Tough Guy.  Anytime you want. As much of a cowering little baby that LaPierre is, he’s not even half as sad as you are.

“Oh, but I need it to protect my family.”  Way to hide behind your children, Ace.  See, I’m not a threat to your family.  Just you.  You are scared that I’m going to drag you through the town square from the back of my Lincoln while all the kids laugh and throw rocks.  The sheer volume of humiliation that I would heap upon you is why you’re up at 3 o’clock in the morning trying to figure out if it is legal in your state to own a bazooka.

“But, Obama is coming to get us!”  Do you see how silly you sound?  All these movies you watch cater to this depressing little fantasy that you are so powerful and cunning that the government actually cares about anything you do.  Obama doesn’t care whether you have a gun or not.  As a matter of fact, Obama doesn’t care about you at all.  He lives in some insulated bubble in Washington, surrounded by hundreds of Secret Service agents, old rich people and really good chefs.  Are you really so deluded as to believe that Obama would take a second out of his day to punish some coward sitting behind a computer keyboard typing nasty things about the Kardashian sisters on a Facebook thread?  Obama is not your problem…I am.

Your little comedy act is over.  Just remember, the next time you buy that copy of Guns and Ammo at the newsstand in order to show what a big man you are, I’ll be there.  The next time you swagger out to the range to go kill a bunch of cardboard cutouts of Bin Laden, I’ll be there.  And when you are sitting around the locker room pretending to be Mr. Expert, bragging to the fellas with all those fancy expressions like “muzzle breaks and recoil compensators”, so proud of yourself that you used the word “aught” in a sentence, I’ll be there too.

No matter how much you spend on weapons, no matter how many times you practice that thing that Clint Eastwood does with the side of his mouth in the mirror, no matter how many tough talking, pro-violence idiot politicians you support, you can’t avoid me.  Don’t you see….I’m inside of you.

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Tyranny of Tradition Is A Real Website!!!

eagle

There have been a great number of allegations thrown at Tyranny of Tradition over the past few days.  While our record for jurnalismcore integrity should stand on its own, as leader of this vast and unimpeachable media empire, I felt it necessary to respond in order to make sure that the public understands the depths to which we will plunge to in order to expose the truth.

In an article written by Grimlock Von Myxlplyx, Edward-In-Chief of the anti-American, freedom-hating, infant-killing tabloid Universe Number Five, it is claimed that Tyranny of Tradition has printed several articles that are untrue.  If I’ve learned anything from watching American politics, it is that we must first attack and slander the source of these lies, then, if we have time left over, address the charges.  For, if you, the public, are able to see that the person making these charges has ever lied or done anything wrong in their entire lives, you will believe nearly anything I have to say.

First, you should know that Grimlock Von Myxlplyx is not even the real name of the fellow over at Universe Number Five.  In reality, his name is Dr. Oystein Von Deafendorfer.  He uses a cryptic assumed name because he is wanted in several states, as well as the country of Angola, for robbing ferrets from pet stores using a bayonet.  Second, while he may be a “doctor”, his degree from Oxford University is in Rabbit Cloning.  He is certainly not an expert in jurnalismcore and is in no position to critique our rigorous ethical standards.

His website has claimed things that are completely preposterous. In 2012, they claimed that the band Dying Fetus plagiarized the song “From Womb To Waste” from the 1966 Isley Brothers classic “Baby Don’t You Do It”.  The independent law firm of Nixon, Rosewater, and Eichmann determined conclusively BEFORE the article was written that it was actually stolen from The Brothers Johnson’s 1977 hit single “Strawberry Letter #23”.  No mention of this was made in Dr. Deafendorfer’s article!  You call that jurnalismcore?!?!

Further, Universe Number Five is actually a front organization for Al-Qaeda.  Most of the articles are written in a complex code, that, when translated into Yiddish, reveal critical, top-secret information on the location of important American celebrities like Dyan Cannon, George Kennedy and Lisa Marie Presley, all of whom have been considered targets for assassination by Islamic extremists.  Finally, Dr. Deafendorfer has admitted to me on several occasions that he does not like Slayer.

Just so you, the public, are clear, Tyranny of Tradition is the finest and most truthful source of jurnalismcore on this planet.  We have a staff over 9,000 fact-checkers who steadfastly comb through each article in order to ensure that every word printed is completely, one hundred and fifty thousand percent true.  Before an article reaches your eyes, it has been inspected by some of the top trained editors on the planet from some of the most prestigious universities including Harvard, Yale and University of Phoenix.  Our site has received hundreds of thousands of awards including the coveted Charles R. Ponzi Award For Truth back in 2008.

I often see comments attached to Tyranny articles saying things like “Dude, you know Tyranny of Tradition is a fake website, right?”  These words make me the most angry, because Tyranny IS a real website.  We have a URL address for godsakes!  If you look at your computer screen the site is REALLY there.  I am not a magician.  I can’t go to your house, get inside your brain and make you see things that don’t exist.

I know the Tyranny of Tradition is real because it is, in fact, made of molecules.  Now, I know molecules aren’t important to the people of this generation, but I come from a time when molecules really meant something.  To slander molecules by claiming they are not real is an insult to myself, my family and those who have served in the armed forces to protect American molecules from the invasion of foreign molecules.

I leave you with the words of my colleague, the esteemed scholar and quote writer Ralph Waldo Emerson.  When Mr. Emerson was asked what he thought of our fine website he simply shook his head and replied “Tyranny of Tradition is the truth, the American public is the illusion.”

Yours in Truth, Justice and The American Way,

Reverend Keith Spillett

Edguy-In-Chief

Tyranny of Tradition

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Texas Representative Louie Gohmert Claims Moshing Violates God’s Law

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Louie Gohmert has taken on a lot of brutal adversaries in his time on Capitol Hill.  His bravery in the face of so-called “terror babies” and “radical Islamists who are trained to act Hispanic” have made him a pillar of the American Right.  Now, he’s turning his energies to fight against a problem that he believes is “the greatest threat to the health and safety of America’s youth”.   That problem, according to Gohmert, is the mosh pit.

In a press conference on Monday, Gohmert spoke in depth about “the recent phenomena referred to as ‘pitting’ by young people”.  Gohmert claimed that thousands of young people are injured or killed everyday in this “circle of ungodliness”.

He went on to discuss stories he had heard of mosh pits breaking out not just at heavy metal concerts, but also in daycare centers and hospital emergency rooms. He told the story of an unnamed 87-year-old woman who was crushed to death when a mosh pit broke at a Perkins restaurant on Seniors Pay What They Weigh Night last month in White Bear Lake, Minnesota.  “What happens to the innocent when they are caught in a mosh?  Who speaks for them!”  Gohmert thundered to reporters.

caught in a mosh

In a Fox News interview yesterday, Gohmert took his anti-moshing rhetoric a step further.  “If you know your Bible, you would know that the Book of Numbers 16:30 clearly states ‘they that go down quickly into the pit; shall understand that they have provoked the Lord.’  Men and women who enter mosh pits are sinful and are, in fact, provoking God’s wrath.  Pitting violates God’s law.”

Gohmert concluded the interview by claiming that, while most people think that heavy metal fans created the mosh pit, it is actually based on Sufi dervish dancing.  “People may not realize this, but wild, dangerous Sufi dancing is part of the Muslim tradition.  The same tradition that has declared war on the West and its Christian values.  While metal fans think they are simply pitting to noisy, violent music, they are, in fact, praising a God worshipped by people who want to destroy us.”

While Gohmert believes that passing anti-pit laws is not the solution to this national crisis, he does see a viable alternative.  “If you want to stop pits from breaking out, the quickest, most effective solution is the widespread distribution of M4 assault rifles to all red-blooded, patriotic Americans.  If every good, God-loving man, woman and child carried one at all times, we would be safe from these heavy metal hooligans.”

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Scientists Discover “Fear Factory” Gene In Mice

A Fear Factory Mouse Attack Captured On Film In Hudson, Wisconsin

A Fear Factory Mouse Attack Captured On Film In Hudson, Wisconsin

Chances are you’ve seen them rampaging through the streets.  They range in size from 6 foot 1 to 6 foot 4 and usually weigh between 245 and 270 pounds.  They have excessively large foreheads, surprisingly short arms and enormous kneecaps.  They are usually relatively intelligent, slightly clumsy, and uncommonly strong.  They are Fear Factory Mice and they are the greatest threat to the American Way of Life since the creation of Social Security.

They pour forth from the faces and body cavities of the lower animals and consume all that is in their path.  These mice replicate at incredible speeds, often breeding with donkeys and fish.  They are capable of incredible kindness and unspeakable acts of cruelty.  The wilderness is full of them.  They stalk campers and hikers, toying with them by bellowing the lyrics to Fear Factory’s Top 40 single “Martyr” before ripping them apart.  Yet, in some cases, they have struck up remarkable friendships with their human prey, occasionally exchanging Tupperware products with their victims before devouring their bodies.

This is why we must, under no circumstances, EVER, leave the house again.

Sometimes, they make their way into cities and battle local Mice Control Workers (MCWs) for control of poultry-themed fast food restaurants.  These MCWs are often equipped with the latest in taxpayer funded, anti-mouse laser death rays.  However, a swarm of them can quickly overpower a team of MCWs.  At that point, the government’s options become limited.  In some instances, like in the case of the former city of Phoenix, Arizona in 1998, the full-scale use of nuclear weaponry is the only conceivable way of preserving what is left of the American Dream.

In 1991, when The Great Mousehunts began, scientists were baffled the ability of the Fear Factory Mice to regenerate their wounded bodies and learn from previous defeats.  While regular mice would lie in their cages and allow the doctors to poke, prod and dissect them in the name of building a better world for Americans, these Fear Factory Mice would rise up, reassemble their body parts and fight against the scientists, sometimes taking whole laboratories hostage.  The mice took to the hills after being decimated in early battles with the Army, but quickly regrouped and, after signing a mutual defense treaty with Fidel Castro and the Cubans, have become a constant threat to commerce and the safety of average citizens.

Besides the significant difference in height and common “sleeve” tattoos worn on the arms of the Fear Factory Mice, it is almost impossible for the average observer to tell the difference between the two breeds until it is too late. Reactions have varied from city-to-city, but the most common response has been to move to high ground and wait for inevitable death.  Conservatives have taken to storing up thousands of rounds of ammunition, stockpiling anti-mouse weaponry, praying and watching Bruce Willis movies until it is safe to enter the cities again.  Liberals have started community based Mice Awareness Groups (MAGs) and eco-friendly, cruelty-free Mice Education Programs (MEPs) in the hopes of tolerating the animals to death.  Until Friday, it seemed as if no one had an answer to the single greatest issue of our time.

However, thanks to the expenditure of billions of taxpayer dollars and the generosity of several of our top corporate leaders, science has, once again, saved us from the abyss of mass extinction.  Years of research has led to a breakthrough of fantastic proportions.  Without going into all of the science-y type details, it is clear that some mice possess a gene that causes them, upon hearing a Fear Factory song, to become enormous, flesh-thirsty beasts.  By simply destroying all remaining copies of Fear Factory’s music, bathing regularly in fresh chicken blood and sacrificing one infant human on a bi-weekly basis, the threat of these killer mice will be eliminated by the year 2039.

Surprisingly, the answer to the great mystery lay in the journals of former President Calvin Coolidge.  In his last days, Coolidge claimed to have been visited by men from the future that foresaw the mouse epidemic and gave him a specific set of plans to isolate the Fear Factory Gene and destroy the hordes of ravenous rodents.  Coolidge tried to warn several people of the terror that awaited humankind, but no one believed him because his habit of drinking iodine had caused a rapid deterioration in his mental condition.  He was killed on the night he planned to talk to a sympathetic reporter from the New York Times when a hummingbird flew up his nose and caused a brain aneurysm.

We were saved because we believed hard enough in the menacing green light, the orgiastic past that explodes from our mouths every time we scratch the surface of reality.  The forest advances year-by-year, no matter how hard or how fast we strike our axes against the trees.  Sure, the mice didn’t get us this time, but that’s no matter.  Tomorrow, we will run away faster, flail our arms harder and eventually slip on the ever-looming banana peel, falling to our collective deaths….

So we beat on, building a better mousetrap, born to ceaselessly regurgitate the past.

Fear Factory....Before They Caused The End Of Life As We Know It

Fear Factory….Before They Caused The End Of Life As We Know It

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Obama Says Something Funny Then Announces Drone Strikes Against Former Sepultura Members

obama_laughing_rectangleThe Commander-in-Chief had some explaining to do!

The President arrived at The East Room at an event honoring the remaining CIA members responsible for helping to illegally arm the Contras in the 1980s with (OMG….you are not going to believe this!!!)…lipstick on his collar.

“I don’t want to get in trouble with Michelle, so I’ll have you know that this isn’t lipstick…it’s blood!!!”  quipped the President to raucous applause and laughter from the fawning, ever-diligent press corps.

The President also took the moment to announce that he has personally ordered drone strikes on former members of the band Sepultura.  Some ex-members of Sepultura, which means “grave” in some weird foreign language, have been linked to a sinister splinter group that goes by the ominous name “The Cavalera Conspiracy”.

The former lead singer, Max Cavalera, was involved in the 1990s with a project referred to only as “Nailbomb”.  A nail bomb is an explosive device often built by terrorists out of ordinary household items.  It often contains nails (or other sharp, pointy things) and can explode and cause harm to people who are susceptible to injury from flying shrapnel.  They are very, very dangerous, particularly when they kill people.  These cheaply built weapons, often referred to as IUDs, have caused death and injury to thousands of people, including Americans.

Max and his brother, a shadowy figure who goes by the name “Igor”, are both wanted in connection for their parts in The Cavalera Conspiracy.  “The greatest threat to America, besides Michelle if she finds out about the lipstick, are The Cavalera Brothers,” trying to hold back his trademark grin as throngs of reporters collapsed to the floor and began spasmodic seizures of laughter.

Max Possibly Signaling Other Members Of His Terrorist Cell To Commit Acts Of Violence

Max Possibly Signaling To Other Members Of His Terrorist Cell To Commit Acts Of Violence

The President assured the audience that no current members of Sepultura would be harmed.  “The United States government has an avowed policy of only killing people when they are in the way or within a hundred mile vicinity of evil people.  As far as we known, in spite of their current status as Brazilians, the people of Sepultura are 100 percent safe,” said the President in a calm, confident, comforting, assuring, Presidential tone.

Predator drones have become the President’s weapon of choice because of their uncanny ability to allow for maximal destruction with minimal impact on public opinion poll numbers.  Americans aren’t in the planes, so unless one of the soldiers operating an aircraft from a hangar in Nevada accidentally chokes on a ham sandwich, they harm only bad people.  Even if one goes off course and destroys a questionable military target, like a hospital or school, the President could always buy a new dog and mollify the American public until the next atrocity comes along.

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2014 In Review: Year of The Metal Subgenre

69_photoA near tsunami of new metal bands came to the forefront of the American music scene in 2014.  After Obama signed the controversial law in 2013 that outlawed country music, boy bands and songs by coke addicted former Mouseketeers, metal began to take off as the most popular form of musical expression in the land.

A wave of new bands brought in a flood of popular subgenres.  After all, how can you possibly catch the attention of an audience numbed into a near coma by a never-ending stream of cute kitten pictures on their computer without some sort of hook?

Years back, a number of metal bands figured out that by coming up with new subgenres you can effectively con the audience into the belief that they are experiencing something totally state-of-the-art.  This was a brilliant assessment, because truthfully, there are only so many ways you can cook an egg.  If you take the story out of metal, it’s mostly just a bunch of sweaty, badly dressed people making loud noises for a bunch of sweaty, badly dressed people who are apoplectically staring into The Nothing.

Honestly, how different is one three and a half minute thrash song from another?  Is technical death metal really all that unique in comparison to, say, regular old garden-variety death metal?  Thus, God created the subgenre and gave us a way to turn tiny, obscure distinctions into whole schools of thought and belief.  One man’s doom is another man’s sludge, as the old saying goes.  Or something.

When the next civilization digs through the rubble a thousand years from now and finds all the 2014 issues of Metal Maniacs it will be clear, this was The Year of The Metal Subgenre.  So, it is with great pleasure that I present to you the best new subgenres created in 2014 along with the band that best represents that style.

New Wave of Soviet Socialist Metal (NWOSSM or NWOCCCP)

When I think about 1980’s power metal, my mind often drifts to the Soviets.  Many people would argue that very little great creativity came out of Russia and its satellite states in the 80’s.  Clearly those people haven’t heard some of the early albums by Lenin’s Tomb or Khrushchev’s Shoe.  As young Russians look back on the glorious days of bureaucratic inefficiency that marked the end of the Soviet Empire, many of them have started playing the music that dominated that era.

Best Band:  Iron Curtain

Unblackened Yachtcore

This quirky fusion between the raw, earthy tones of Christian black metal and 1970 and 80’s soft rock caught fire in 2014.  Many music aficionados were looking for a way to reconcile their passion for the music of Michael McDonald and the songs of Darkthrone.  This cutting edge subgenre gave them the perfect combination.  Lyrically, it blends elegant prose from the New Testament with poignant stories about the dreams and inner longings of Yuppies.

Best Band:  Captain Trips and Tenille

Proto Originalist Doom

Who would have believed that doom metal could possibly be blended with the text of Supreme Court decisions written by Antonin Scalia in order to create a new style of music?  Dark, heavy, Sabbath inspired guitar riffs are used here to celebrate the spirit of unbridled judicial restraint and the idea that just about every thought that was formulated after 1787 is entirely worthless.

Best Band:  Woe vs. Wade

Post-Marxist Extremely Technical Progressive Rawlsian Eco Thrash (PMETPRET)

More of a social movement than a style of music, PMETPRET bands have attempted to use technical death metal as a tool of creating social justice and encouraging recycling.

Best Band: Fates Warming

Anatomical Glam Grindslam

Grindcore was a dying subgenre until it caught an infusion of hair metal earlier this year.  Something about the idea of putting together the catchy, party rock stylings of bands like Poison and Cinderella with the fierce brutality of early Carcass and The County Medical Examiners struck a chord with the American public.

Best Band:  Twisted Blister  

New York City Viking Hardcore (NYHVC)As most Americans know, a Viking gang crime wave hit New York City in early 2014.  Alienated young teens joined Viking gangs in droves and pillaged many of the stores and homes that were not guarded by people with assault rifles and high capacity magazines.  NYHVC has become a way of expressing their rage at our dysfunctional social order.

Best Band:  Freyahazard

Heideggerian Ontological Powerviolence (HOP) 

If you are like most Americans, you feel deeply offended that you grew up in a culture that has been thoroughly shaped by Cartesian Dualism.   You also probably wonder how you can best disclose being-in-the-world as a whole.  And you probably own at least the first four Spazz albums (the ones they did before they sold out).  It is not a coincidence that HOP music caught on overnight and became the top selling subgenre in metal in 2014.

Best Band:  Being-Toward-Death-Angel

Old School Hebraic Nu-Metal

The most surprising comeback in 2014 was the resurgence of Nu-Metal, only this time instead of “borrowing” style and imagery associated with African American culture these musicians began stealing traditional Jewish themes.

Best Band:  Limp Brizkit

Symphonic Free Market Hayekia’N’Roll

In an attempt to connect with younger, hipper Americans, The Heritage Foundation, in conjunction with the Koch Brothers, have spent over 30 billion dollars creating melodic death metal records in order to spread the message of free market intellectual titans like Milton Friedman and the guy who invented the chicken sandwich.

Best Band:  Children of Serfdom

 

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The Surprising Truth About Five Dieting Beliefs

feet-scaleWho has time to keep up with all that weight loss research? After all, it’s so technical and confusing and often uses really big, difficult words like “measurement”.  And if you don’t know what you are doing, you might end up trapped in a 1997 Plymouth Voyager, eating ketchup packets to stay alive while angry Iranian protestors bang on your windows demanding “Death to America”.  Or speaking to a giant goiter that has sprung from your neck.  Or mauled by polar bears.

It’s a cold, brutal world out there and it is often difficult for the average person to spend more than 12 seconds reading something before being so completely overcome with rage that they begin howling and drooling.  Lucky for you, our team of Tyranny of Nutrition weight loss researchers have spent hours of painstaking research researching the research done by other researchers.  Surprisingly, we found that many of the dieting myths accepted as gospel by the mindless mob of cellulite obsessed Americans all desperately trying to think about anything but their own fragile mortality were actually just a bunch of lies concocted by narcissistic fools who would put a knife in their grandmother’s throat for a shot to get on Oprah.

Knowing what the actual truth is in this godforsaken, garbage heap of a world can be the difference between winning and losing The Battle of The Bulge.  Here’s the skinny on some of the best-known diet myths around.

1. If I Stop Eating Entirely, I Will Die

False:  The average human can survive for years without consuming a single calorie.  In new research done by The National Society For The Prevention of Human Emotion, 93 percent of people just fool themselves into eating because they are weak.  They have been coddled by our liberal schools and, as a result, believe they need to eat in order to “nourish their bodies”.  They can never truly understand the feeling of pride that our forefathers experienced by ignoring their basic needs and suffering an entire lifetime for absolutely no reason in particular.

2. Being Overweight Can Lead To Diabetes, Heart Disease and Walking Corpse Disorder

True (but so what): Life is cruel and fleeting.  Ever hear the one about the guy who won the lottery and got hit and killed by a milk truck the next day?  Or the one about super athlete marathoner who dropped dead of a heart attack in his early 40s?  According to a recent study done by The American Bureau of Obvious Statistics, 100 percent of Americans will die at some point in their lives.  In most cases, it will be in a miserable, hideous way, unless you are lucky enough to die in your sleep or in the throws of passion. Sure, a proper diet may buy you a few years, but the end will be far more terrible than you can possibly imagine and there is a good chance that regardless of what you eat, something random and unspeakable will happen to you anyway.

3. Skinnier People Are Happier Than Fat People

False:  No one is ever happy for very long.  Many skinny people spend half of their time obsessing over not becoming fat.  Many fat people spend half of their time obsessing over becoming skinny.  If they manage to steer clear of that trap, there is a whole universe of possible maladies and unsightly embarrassments to be terrified of.  From chronic halitosis, to acne, to worrying that their young children are acting like Bebe’s Kids at the local library, cruel judgments wait around every corner.  The only relief most people get from constant feelings of inadequacy is the joy in noticing and quietly mocking the faults of others.  On and on South of Heaven.

4. When You Lose Weight, More People Will Like You

False:  People don’t avoid you because you are heavy.  They steer clear of you because having interactions with other humans is often intolerably dull and painful.  Don’t take it personally; most people hate everyone.  They long for a day when the human race is wiped out, but they worry that Internet service and pizza delivery will be affected by global extinction, so they do not take action.  Lose all the weight you want, it won’t change the fact that almost everyone who talks to you on a daily basis fantasizes about turning on the news and finding out you were swallowed up by a sinkhole during the night.

5. Weight Loss Happens Only When God Wills It

True:  Let’s face it, the reason most people are fat is because the Western world has all but turned it’s back on God.  You never see any pictures of fat Puritans, do you?  The weight of the average American has nearly tripled since prayer has been taken out of schools by those meddlers over in Washington.  Obesity is God’s punishment on America for its love affair with atheism, fast food and heavy metal music.

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