Who has time to keep up with all that weight loss research? After all, it’s so technical and confusing and often uses really big, difficult words like “measurement”.  And if you don’t know what you are doing, you might end up trapped in a 1997 Plymouth Voyager, eating ketchup packets to stay alive while angry Iranian protestors bang on your windows demanding “Death to America”.  Or speaking to a giant goiter that has sprung from your neck.  Or mauled by polar bears.

It’s a cold, brutal world out there and it is often difficult for the average person to spend more than 12 seconds reading something before being so completely overcome with rage that they begin howling and drooling.  Lucky for you, our team of Tyranny of Nutrition weight loss researchers have spent hours of painstaking research researching the research done by other researchers.  Surprisingly, we found that many of the dieting myths accepted as gospel by the mindless mob of cellulite obsessed Americans all desperately trying to think about anything but their own fragile mortality were actually just a bunch of lies concocted by narcissistic fools who would put a knife in their grandmother’s throat for a shot to get on Oprah.

Knowing what the actual truth is in this godforsaken, garbage heap of a world can be the difference between winning and losing The Battle of The Bulge.  Here’s the skinny on some of the best-known diet myths around.

1. If I Stop Eating Entirely, I Will Die

False:  The average human can survive for years without consuming a single calorie.  In new research done by The National Society For The Prevention of Human Emotion, 93 percent of people just fool themselves into eating because they are weak.  They have been coddled by our liberal schools and, as a result, believe they need to eat in order to “nourish their bodies”.  They can never truly understand the feeling of pride that our forefathers experienced by ignoring their basic needs and suffering an entire lifetime for absolutely no reason in particular.

2. Being Overweight Can Lead To Diabetes, Heart Disease and Walking Corpse Disorder

True (but so what): Life is cruel and fleeting.  Ever hear the one about the guy who won the lottery and got hit and killed by a milk truck the next day?  Or the one about super athlete marathoner who dropped dead of a heart attack in his early 40s?  According to a recent study done by The American Bureau of Obvious Statistics, 100 percent of Americans will die at some point in their lives.  In most cases, it will be in a miserable, hideous way, unless you are lucky enough to die in your sleep or in the throws of passion. Sure, a proper diet may buy you a few years, but the end will be far more terrible than you can possibly imagine and there is a good chance that regardless of what you eat, something random and unspeakable will happen to you anyway.

3. Skinnier People Are Happier Than Fat People

False:  No one is ever happy for very long.  Many skinny people spend half of their time obsessing over not becoming fat.  Many fat people spend half of their time obsessing over becoming skinny.  If they manage to steer clear of that trap, there is a whole universe of possible maladies and unsightly embarrassments to be terrified of.  From chronic halitosis, to acne, to worrying that their young children are acting like Bebe’s Kids at the local library, cruel judgments wait around every corner.  The only relief most people get from constant feelings of inadequacy is the joy in noticing and quietly mocking the faults of others.  On and on South of Heaven.

4. When You Lose Weight, More People Will Like You

False:  People don’t avoid you because you are heavy.  They steer clear of you because having interactions with other humans is often intolerably dull and painful.  Don’t take it personally; most people hate everyone.  They long for a day when the human race is wiped out, but they worry that Internet service and pizza delivery will be affected by global extinction, so they do not take action.  Lose all the weight you want, it won’t change the fact that almost everyone who talks to you on a daily basis fantasizes about turning on the news and finding out you were swallowed up by a sinkhole during the night.

5. Weight Loss Happens Only When God Wills It

True:  Let’s face it, the reason most people are fat is because the Western world has all but turned it’s back on God.  You never see any pictures of fat Puritans, do you?  The weight of the average American has nearly tripled since prayer has been taken out of schools by those meddlers over in Washington.  Obesity is God’s punishment on America for its love affair with atheism, fast food and heavy metal music.