Posts Tagged mob stupidity

The Surprising Truth About Five Dieting Beliefs

feet-scaleWho has time to keep up with all that weight loss research? After all, it’s so technical and confusing and often uses really big, difficult words like “measurement”.  And if you don’t know what you are doing, you might end up trapped in a 1997 Plymouth Voyager, eating ketchup packets to stay alive while angry Iranian protestors bang on your windows demanding “Death to America”.  Or speaking to a giant goiter that has sprung from your neck.  Or mauled by polar bears.

It’s a cold, brutal world out there and it is often difficult for the average person to spend more than 12 seconds reading something before being so completely overcome with rage that they begin howling and drooling.  Lucky for you, our team of Tyranny of Nutrition weight loss researchers have spent hours of painstaking research researching the research done by other researchers.  Surprisingly, we found that many of the dieting myths accepted as gospel by the mindless mob of cellulite obsessed Americans all desperately trying to think about anything but their own fragile mortality were actually just a bunch of lies concocted by narcissistic fools who would put a knife in their grandmother’s throat for a shot to get on Oprah.

Knowing what the actual truth is in this godforsaken, garbage heap of a world can be the difference between winning and losing The Battle of The Bulge.  Here’s the skinny on some of the best-known diet myths around.

1. If I Stop Eating Entirely, I Will Die

False:  The average human can survive for years without consuming a single calorie.  In new research done by The National Society For The Prevention of Human Emotion, 93 percent of people just fool themselves into eating because they are weak.  They have been coddled by our liberal schools and, as a result, believe they need to eat in order to “nourish their bodies”.  They can never truly understand the feeling of pride that our forefathers experienced by ignoring their basic needs and suffering an entire lifetime for absolutely no reason in particular.

2. Being Overweight Can Lead To Diabetes, Heart Disease and Walking Corpse Disorder

True (but so what): Life is cruel and fleeting.  Ever hear the one about the guy who won the lottery and got hit and killed by a milk truck the next day?  Or the one about super athlete marathoner who dropped dead of a heart attack in his early 40s?  According to a recent study done by The American Bureau of Obvious Statistics, 100 percent of Americans will die at some point in their lives.  In most cases, it will be in a miserable, hideous way, unless you are lucky enough to die in your sleep or in the throws of passion. Sure, a proper diet may buy you a few years, but the end will be far more terrible than you can possibly imagine and there is a good chance that regardless of what you eat, something random and unspeakable will happen to you anyway.

3. Skinnier People Are Happier Than Fat People

False:  No one is ever happy for very long.  Many skinny people spend half of their time obsessing over not becoming fat.  Many fat people spend half of their time obsessing over becoming skinny.  If they manage to steer clear of that trap, there is a whole universe of possible maladies and unsightly embarrassments to be terrified of.  From chronic halitosis, to acne, to worrying that their young children are acting like Bebe’s Kids at the local library, cruel judgments wait around every corner.  The only relief most people get from constant feelings of inadequacy is the joy in noticing and quietly mocking the faults of others.  On and on South of Heaven.

4. When You Lose Weight, More People Will Like You

False:  People don’t avoid you because you are heavy.  They steer clear of you because having interactions with other humans is often intolerably dull and painful.  Don’t take it personally; most people hate everyone.  They long for a day when the human race is wiped out, but they worry that Internet service and pizza delivery will be affected by global extinction, so they do not take action.  Lose all the weight you want, it won’t change the fact that almost everyone who talks to you on a daily basis fantasizes about turning on the news and finding out you were swallowed up by a sinkhole during the night.

5. Weight Loss Happens Only When God Wills It

True:  Let’s face it, the reason most people are fat is because the Western world has all but turned it’s back on God.  You never see any pictures of fat Puritans, do you?  The weight of the average American has nearly tripled since prayer has been taken out of schools by those meddlers over in Washington.  Obesity is God’s punishment on America for its love affair with atheism, fast food and heavy metal music.

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Metalheads Storm US Embassy in Cleveland; Demand End To Opeth Song

Chanting “Death to King Crimson Influenced Prog Metal”, thousands of enraged metalhead protesters stormed the US Embassy in Cleveland last night burning, looting and thrashing everything in sight.  The protestors, enraged by a 4-year-long performance of Opeth’s “Black Rose Immortal”, tossed copies of Opeth albums along with several mellotrons onto a burning pyre just inside of the embassy gates.

Opeth began performing the song at Cleveland’s famed Agora Ballroom back on September 12th, 2008 and have been unwilling to conclude the song in the years since.  The song was meant to be the finale to a highly successful show, but it kept going on.  First for hours, then days, then weeks, then years.  The crowd, which was filled to capacity at the start of the song, began dwindling.  By December of that year, only 7 fans were left in the building, but the band played on.

Alfredo Garcia, the head promoter for the Agora, has tried everything possible to get them off of the stage.  The sound was unplugged, the lights were turned out, a court order was issued to remove them, the local police attempted to tear gas them, he even hired a gang of hooligans and disgruntled Browns fans to rough the band up, all to no avail.

The people of Cleveland had finally had enough.  Groups of wild-eyed protestors camped out in front of the Agora to try to force them to stop.  When that didn’t work, they marched on the US Embassy and held over three months of boisterous demonstrations imploring President Obama to call out the National Guard in order to end the song.

Frustration and anger finally boiled over when a popular local Cleveland radio station made the mistake of playing Opeth’s “The Leper Affinity”.  Several metalheads began scaling the walls of the compound and a full-scale invasion took place.  Miraculously, only one person was injured, a 34-year-old man whose bullet necklace exploded while he was helping to set a car on fire.

In an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition, Opeth frontman Mikeal Akerfeldt claimed that the band would eventually finish the song but “hadn’t yet gotten to the bass solo or the 2-year-long piano outro.”  He was stunned by the chaos the song had caused.  “We have to be living in a pretty ridiculous world to have music cause this level of violence and hatred.  You’d have to be a highly deluded fool to attack an embassy based on one piece of artistic expression,” lamented Akerfeldt right before he launched into an unprecedented 1467th acoustic guitar break.

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