I have a lot of strange debris rattling around my mind that I need to work out in a useful way.
Posted in General Weirdness on November 30, 2017
Heavy metal rocker Ozzy Osbourne reportedly checked into The Barbara Ford Center For Confectionary Addiction on Sunday morning after a weeklong Marzipan bender that nearly cost him his teeth and pancreas. He was found face-down in a bowl of lobster bisque at a diner in Manassas, Virginia late Saturday night. Doctors tested his Blood Glucose Level and found it to be 4 million milligrams per deciliter (over 3.9 million milligrams higher than it should have been), a clear sign of a Marzipan overdose.
Osbourne, who has recently cancelled a Black Sabbath show due to what some are calling a “Marzipan Hangover”, has struggled with addiction throughout a good portion of his career. Recently however, Ozzy has become incoherent when speaking, has fallen off the stage during concerts and burned 1/3 of Arizona to the ground while making a grilled cheese sandwich.
Addiction to Marzipan (or Marzy, as it is often called on the streets) is a particularly difficult habit to quit. People often begin eating the sticky, sweet substance at parties. Quickly, they will move onto smoking or snorting Marzipan to get a quicker, stronger high. From there, many addicts will boil the substance into a paste and inject it directly into their bloodstream.
At the height of Jimmy “Bloodwrench” Martin’s Marzipan addiction, he was shooting the substance directly into his eyeballs eight or nine times a day. Martin, the bass player for math rock legends Morbid Angle, was hooked on “Marzy” for 3 years before he realized he needed help.
“My teeth had begun to rot, I had sores all over my body, I developed Type 1 through 16 Diabetes…just to get that rush. I’d wake up at 3 AM in a cold sweat trying to get my Marzipan dealer on the phone. I sold my toaster, my television, even my bass at one point. I was desperate. Anything to get that fix.”
Martin has finally gotten clean. Today, he works at The Hershey Center in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania helping rehabilitate other Marzipan addicts.
“Things are rougher out there then they were when I was using. It’s not just Marzipan anymore. We’ve had 13-year-old kids come into the center after getting caught freebasing nougat. The Court sent one guy here because he tried to shoot an entire flan into his arm. It’s a crisis out there and nobody seems to be paying attention.”
While Ozzy is the first high profile, celebrity, heavy metal rock and roll rocker to seek help for his addiction other heavy metallers have run into problems with Marzipan. Irish authorities detained Testament singer Chuck Billy last year when he attempted to smuggle an entire Battenberg Cake (a dessert that uses so-called “Marzipan Frosting”) out of the country in his suitcase. Marzipan is not technically illegal in Ireland, so Billy was released, but he was placed on a Department of Homeland Security Watchlist due to the incident.
Posted in The Poetry of Death on June 3, 2016
I do not want to talk about The Gorilla,
I want to not talk about The Gorilla.
I want to talk about not talking about The Gorilla,
I want to not talk about wanting to talk about not talking about The Gorilla.
I want to talk about The Gorilla,
Without having to talk about The Gorilla.
I want to be known as someone who doesn’t talk about The Gorilla,
By people who talk about The Gorilla,
As well as by people who do not talk about not talking about The Gorilla,
Along with the people who talk about not talking about The Gorilla.
I cannot talk about The Gorilla.
I cannot not talk about The Gorilla,
Without having to talk about The Gorilla,
In order to not talk about The Gorilla,
Among people who both talk and do not talk about The Gorilla.
She talks about The Gorilla,
In order to talk about The Gorilla.
I talk about her talking about The Gorilla,
In order to talk about not talking about The Gorilla.
We both talk about The Gorilla.
She doesn’t know not to talk about The Gorilla,
When she’s talking about The Gorilla.
I know that she doesn’t know to not talk about The Gorilla,
When talking about The Gorilla.
She should know better than to talk about The Gorilla,
When talking about The Gorilla.
He knows that I know that talking about her not talking about The Gorilla,
Is talking about The Gorilla.
He talks about me not talking about knowing that talking about not talking about The Gorilla,
Is talking about The Gorilla.
He talks about me not knowing that not talking about The Gorilla,
And talking about her talking about The Gorilla,
Are talking about The Gorilla.
We’re all talking about talking about or not talking about people talking or not talking about The Gorilla.
Even when we don’t talk about not talking about talking about not talking about The Gorilla,
We talk about The Gorilla.
Posted in Uncategorized on January 12, 2016
Fans of art-rocker David Bowie rejoiced as the Daughters of the Republic of Texas announced that the famed Bowie knife would be renamed the Bowie knife in honor of the recently departed British musician.
DRT President Madeline Crockett held a press conference today in San Antonio at the entrance to the Alamo, which is where the original knife remains on display. “David Bowie was beloved by millions of people around the globe,” she said, “and even though he wasn’t a Texan, we felt it was important to commemorate his passing in a meaningful way”.
The famous blade was named for its creator Jim Bowie, who used it in several instances of combat, most notably in defending the Alamo in 1836 against the Mexican army in a bid to maintain Texas independence. Bowie died in the conflict alongside other notable figures, including William B. Travis and the renowned Davy Crockett. The Battle of the Alamo was a pivotal event in the Texas Revolution, and the efforts of Commander Bowie and his men allowed Texas to become a republic and eventually be incorporated in the United States as it is known today.
“With its new name, the Bowie knife will begin a new era of recognition,” continued Ms. Crockett, “and when future generations look upon it, they will think of an androgynous British man who wrote songs about dancing, Asian women, and gay astronauts.”
At press time, the DRT has announced additional plans to rededicate the cenotaph in front of the Alamo to Ozzy Osbourne.