Keith Spillett

I have a lot of strange debris rattling around my mind that I need to work out in a useful way.

Homepage: https://tyrannyoftradition.wordpress.com

Ozzy Checks Into Rehabilitation Center For Addiction To Marzipan

Ozzy After Passing Out In A Bowl of Soup Saturday Night

Ozzy After Passing Out In A Bowl of Soup on Saturday Night

Heavy metal rocker Ozzy Osbourne reportedly checked into The Barbara Ford Center For Confectionary Addiction on Sunday morning after a weeklong Marzipan bender that nearly cost him his teeth and pancreas. He was found face-down in a bowl of lobster bisque at a diner in Manassas, Virginia late Saturday night. Doctors tested his Blood Glucose Level and found it to be 4 million milligrams per deciliter (over 3.9 million milligrams higher than it should have been), a clear sign of a Marzipan overdose.

Osbourne, who has recently cancelled a Black Sabbath show due to what some are calling a “Marzipan Hangover”, has struggled with addiction throughout a good portion of his career. Recently however, Ozzy has become incoherent when speaking, has fallen off the stage during concerts and burned 1/3 of Arizona to the ground while making a grilled cheese sandwich.

Ozzy Can't Figure Out Why The Motorcycle Won't Move

Ozzy Exhibiting Marzipan Dementia…Unsure Why The Bike Won’t Start

Addiction to Marzipan (or Marzy, as it is often called on the streets) is a particularly difficult habit to quit. People often begin eating the sticky, sweet substance at parties. Quickly, they will move onto smoking or snorting Marzipan to get a quicker, stronger high. From there, many addicts will boil the substance into a paste and inject it directly into their bloodstream.

At the height of Jimmy “Bloodwrench” Martin’s Marzipan addiction, he was shooting the substance directly into his eyeballs eight or nine times a day. Martin, the bass player for math rock legends Morbid Angle, was hooked on “Marzy” for 3 years before he realized he needed help.

“My teeth had begun to rot, I had sores all over my body, I developed Type 1 through 16 Diabetes…just to get that rush. I’d wake up at 3 AM in a cold sweat trying to get my Marzipan dealer on the phone. I sold my toaster, my television, even my bass at one point. I was desperate. Anything to get that fix.”

Martin has finally gotten clean. Today, he works at The Hershey Center in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania helping rehabilitate other Marzipan addicts.

“Things are rougher out there then they were when I was using. It’s not just Marzipan anymore. We’ve had 13-year-old kids come into the center after getting caught freebasing nougat. The Court sent one guy here because he tried to shoot an entire flan into his arm. It’s a crisis out there and nobody seems to be paying attention.”

Ozzy Mistakes Kermit For A Marzipan Cupcake, Tries To Eat Him

Ozzy Mistakes Kermit For A Marzipan Cupcake, Tries To Eat Him

While Ozzy is the first high profile, celebrity, heavy metal rock and roll rocker to seek help for his addiction other heavy metallers have run into problems with Marzipan. Irish authorities detained Testament singer Chuck Billy last year when he attempted to smuggle an entire Battenberg Cake (a dessert that uses so-called “Marzipan Frosting”) out of the country in his suitcase. Marzipan is not technically illegal in Ireland, so Billy was released, but he was placed on a Department of Homeland Security Watchlist due to the incident.

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They Shoot Gorillas, Don’t They?

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I do not want to talk about The Gorilla,

I want to not talk about The Gorilla.

I want to talk about not talking about The Gorilla,

I want to not talk about wanting to talk about not talking about The Gorilla.

I want to talk about The Gorilla,

Without having to talk about The Gorilla.

 

I want to be known as someone who doesn’t talk about The Gorilla,

By people who talk about The Gorilla,

As well as by people who do not talk about not talking about The Gorilla,

Along with the people who talk about not talking about The Gorilla.

 

I cannot talk about The Gorilla.

 

I cannot not talk about The Gorilla,

Without having to talk about The Gorilla,

In order to not talk about The Gorilla,

Among people who both talk and do not talk about The Gorilla.

 

She talks about The Gorilla,

In order to talk about The Gorilla.

I talk about her talking about The Gorilla,

In order to talk about not talking about The Gorilla.

 

We both talk about The Gorilla.

 

She doesn’t know not to talk about The Gorilla,

When she’s talking about The Gorilla.

I know that she doesn’t know to not talk about The Gorilla,

When talking about The Gorilla.

She should know better than to talk about The Gorilla,

When talking about The Gorilla.

 

He knows that I know that talking about her not talking about The Gorilla,

Is talking about The Gorilla.

He talks about me not talking about knowing that talking about not talking about The Gorilla,

Is talking about The Gorilla.

 

He talks about me not knowing that not talking about The Gorilla,

And talking about her talking about The Gorilla,

Are talking about The Gorilla.

 

We’re all talking about talking about or not talking about people talking or not talking about The Gorilla.

 

Even when we don’t talk about not talking about talking about not talking about The Gorilla,

We talk about The Gorilla.

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Bowie Knife To Be Renamed Bowie Knife In Honor of Dead Musician

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Fans of art-rocker David Bowie rejoiced as the Daughters of the Republic of Texas announced that the famed Bowie knife would be renamed the Bowie knife in honor of the recently departed British musician.

DRT President Madeline Crockett held a press conference today in San Antonio at the entrance to the Alamo, which is where the original knife remains on display. “David Bowie was beloved by millions of people around the globe,” she said, “and even though he wasn’t a Texan, we felt it was important to commemorate his passing in a meaningful way”.

The famous blade was named for its creator Jim Bowie, who used it in several instances of combat, most notably in defending the Alamo in 1836 against the Mexican army in a bid to maintain Texas independence. Bowie died in the conflict alongside other notable figures, including William B. Travis and the renowned Davy Crockett. The Battle of the Alamo was a pivotal event in the Texas Revolution, and the efforts of Commander Bowie and his men allowed Texas to become a republic and eventually be incorporated in the United States as it is known today.

“With its new name, the Bowie knife will begin a new era of recognition,” continued Ms. Crockett, “and when future generations look upon it, they will think of an androgynous British man who wrote songs about dancing, Asian women, and gay astronauts.”

At press time, the DRT has announced additional plans to rededicate the cenotaph in front of the Alamo to Ozzy Osbourne.

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Researchers Claim A Glass of The Heavy Metals A Day Is Like Going To The Gym For Nine Hours

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Researchers at the Jeff Hanneman Institute For Heavy Metal Studies in Ragnarok, West Virginia have made a startling discovery. And guess what? Heavy Metal!

That’s right! Just one cup of The Heavy Metals a day is the equivalent of going to the gym for nine hours. Or wrestling a baby otter. Or walking on the intestinal tract of your Aunt Peggy. Or Alaska. Or butter. Or dressing up as Jeffrey Dahmer and inviting your neighbors over for dinner. Or learning archery. Or eating forty pounds of asbestos out of the head of a unicorn. Or beating Steve Harvey to death with the word “manbun”. Or lice!

And that’s not all! The Heavy Metals is light, portable and belongs inside the stomach of a walrus.   Some The Heavy Metals have been known to increase your metabolism as much as 75 parsecs. Power metal, for example, allowed one woman in Brighton Beach, New York to lose 750 pounds in one hour.

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Other of The Heavy Metals can be dangerous. Perhaps even experimental. Doom metal, or sludge metal as doom metal bands call it, can cause hardening of the arteries in lab rats. Which is why it is critical to stay out of the arteries of lab rats when drinking doom metal. But, if you have had too much doom metal, it is critical that you do not consume an automobile. Most accidents take place within three blocks of the elephant. So, arrive alive, don’t Doom and Drive.

Meanwhile, researchers in some town I can’t spell in Connecticut have discovered that a diet filled with Omega-7 Grindcore is critical for inter-dimensional travel. And that’s not all! Twelve servings of grindcore an hour (roughly 100,000 songs) is found to contain enough vitamin Q-9 to fill half of the Grand Canyon with lettuce flavored Jell-O.

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Also, researchers have found that you are going to die. Not some fictive version of you that you’ve created in your mind out of characters on television and in movies, but the real thing. You can drink all The Heavy Metals you want and God won’t save you. Or his son either. Neither really care about your existential state or they would have been much more clear about how to handle it. They would have issued you a book of directions that was more helpful than a bunch of stories about bald guys having 42 children killed by bears (2 Kings 2:23) or talking donkeys (Numbers 22:28). I don’t need your metaphors, Lord, I need an ending for this article.

But you won’t find one here! The Heavy Metals have deducted my reason. I ate 10 million The Heavy Metals and all I got was this lousy mountain.

I have seen the enemy and it is THEM. I have seen the future and it is THEM. It’s all on tilt. We need Trump.

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Montana Metal Militia Take Over Federal Building Demanding Release of New Necrophagist Album

 

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Montana Metal Militia Founder Clyde Wayne Gacy and His Followers Minutes Before The Takeover

Days after a group of armed protestors took over a wildlife refuge in Oregon, an armed group of “five heavy metal warriors united for the liberation of America” known as The Montana Metal Militia walked into the Evel Knievel Center for Wildlife and Motorcycle Safety in Butte, forced the lone employee to leave and told authorities they would not allow anyone in or out of the building until tech-death legends Necrophagist release a new album.

The Montana Metal Militia is a group that, according to their website, seeks to “free America from the tyrannical grip of socialism and hip hop”. They are not to be confused with the smaller, lesser-known Montana Metal Mulisha, who have advocated violent revolution against the “Marxist hegemony of Obama, Rosie O’Donnell and Kanye West.”

The Metal Militia’s leader Clyde Wayne Gacy told police that he and his followers would not leave the building until Necrophagist gets back in the studio and records a minimum of 45 minutes of music. In a fiery speech in front of the Wildlife building, Gacy shouted through his megaphone “it’s time for all Americans to stand up against injustice. Because if you are not standing up against injustice, you are sitting down! And sitting down is wrong!”

 

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Gacy In An Exclusive Interview With KERF Reporter Sabrina Erdley

In a brief interview with local television station KERF, Gacy maintained that what his group was doing was no different than what the Founding Fathers did.

“Look…we’ve written letters to Necrophagist. We’ve sent emails. We’ve gone to their homes in the middle of the night banging on their doors. We’ve threatened the lives of their family members and those close to them. Still…nothing since 2004! If the Founding Fathers hadn’t stood for what was right we’d still be drinking tea at four in the afternoon and paying taxes to an unresponsive, disinterested government that doesn’t represent us. Bottom line…we want a new Necrophagist album now or we ain’t leaving!!!”

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12 Years And Counting…No Album!

According to a memo sent out by the group’s legal expert Bronco Gein, a law student in his first semester at Flathead Valley Community College, the band’s refusal to release a new album is not only bad for the metal community and America as a whole but it is also unconstitutional.

“If you read the 10th Amendment to the Constitution, it clearly states that ‘The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people’ This means ‘we the people’ have the power to do whatever we need to do until we get what we want.  If that means violence, well hell, let’s roll.”

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Varg’s True Motives

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Art by ZKD

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The Future of Demilich

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art by ZDK

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