The Tyranny of Tradition

Hranica After His Tibetanization, Extreme Rhinoplastification Surgery

The Devil Wears Prada have spent the past eight years on the cutting edge of the metalcore fashion scene.  From skinny jeans to studded belts to those hoodies with random expressions on them that you can find at your local Target for 12 bucks (or at Urban Outfitters for 60), the band has come to define the look of a generation.  Now, screamer Mike Hranica plans on taking fashion to a new level.  After 12 hours of intense cranial and facial plastic surgery, Hranica is now Tibetan.

Performers in mediocre bands often try to take on a new look in order to distract the audience from the tedious, puerile nature of their music, but this, even by the standards of rock’n’roll theatre, is a bold and audacious step.  “We, at The Devil Wears Prada, have always prided ourselves in setting the trends that hundreds of thousands of lemming like teenagers proudly follow in order to conform to the rigorous standards of individuality set by cultural leaders like myself.  I believe in 2 years, most teens will be bugging their parents to spend thousands of dollars to get the surgery and be part of the new Tibetan-core scene.  We are doing something important here,” said Hranica in an interview with Rolling Stone.

Many industry insiders are praising Hranica for not only creating a new look, but also doing something in order to help the people of Tibet overcome their enslavement to the tyrannical Chinese government.  According to music critic Arthur Banal from Spin Magazine, “many musicians have made a career out of co-opting the experiences of oppressed people simply in order to appear “hip”.  I applaud Mike on his willingness to take on the look of the Tibetans not only to sell records, but also to call attention to an important cause.  Music should be about more than simply allowing people to mindlessly consume images in order to forget about the reality of their own impending death; it should be about freedom, liberty, justice for all and having a great time.”

While Hranica’s “liberation-core look” has drawn nearly universal acclaim, having a nose implanted upside down on his forehead has confused and angered many parents’ groups.  Michelle Worthington, President and co-founder of Parents for Obedience, Morality and Corporeal Conformity, issued a statement yesterday that condemned the nasal malfeasance of Hranica.  The group, known for shutting down ear gauging clinics through the use of violence, intimidation and large campaign contributions to local politicians, are planning to use all of their resources to make sure that young people do not begin rearranging their faces in a wild display of proboscular anarchy.

During an interview with Fox News anchor Neil Cavuto, Worthington blasted the new fashion trend, “It’s one thing to use the suffering of an entire group of a people as a ploy to sell records.  I mean, we’re not communists.  However, taking something as sacred and critical to the survival of American youth as the nose and moving it to the forehead is simply a gateway drug for further pushing America down Obama’s slippery slope of moral and cultural decay.”