Posts Tagged Iron Maiden
Former Iron Maiden Singer Paul Di’Anno To Star in Upcoming Transformers Sequel
Posted by Russell Spicer in General Weirdness on August 16, 2015
Paul Di’Anno, the 57-year-old former frontman for Iron Maiden has been cast as the lead in “Transformers 5”. This may come as a surprise to many seeing as Di’Anno has no former acting experience. The decision to replace Mark Wahlberg with Di’Anno was made when Michael Bay (director of the 4 previous Transformer films) discovered the truth about Wahlberg’s past.
Bay said in an interview this afternoon that he didn’t realize that Mark Wahlberg was actually “Marky Mark” of Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch fame. “Once I realized this, I immediately called my lawyers, I needed to drop him from the next film. I was disturbed and embarrassed to say the least.”
The Photo That Led Bay To Realize He Had Made A Huge Mistake
When asked why Di’Anno, Bay replied, “I was a huge fan of Metallica when I was younger and I figured he‘d be a good choice since he was also my favorite bassist“. When asked if he had any idea what he was talking about, Bay replied, “When’s lunch?”
Whether Bay has lost his mind or not is irrelevant. The overall response to Di’Anno’s casting has been generally well received. One fans reaction to the news was simple. “I don’t give a damn who is in the movie!”
Another simply stated. “Who is Paul Di’Anno?”
Di’Anno’s decision to become an actor came shortly after his loss to Humsy The Boxing Kangaroo early last year. Despite being KO’d by a Kangaroo and not getting his chance at fighting Momo the Giant Narwhal (the reigning MBF heavyweight champion at the time) Di’Anno was in good spirits.
This was just the beginning and shortly after that match Di‘Anno started taking acting lessons. “If I can fight a Kangaroo, I can fight an Alien Robot.” Di’Anno stated after his loss. People originally assumed he was brain damaged by that comment, but in hindsight, we can see he was lobbying to play this part for a long time.
Cullen, Pictured Here With Optimus Prime Helmet, Glad He Wasn’t Replaced With Another “Peter”
Peter Cullen (voice of Optimus Prime) was also almost replaced with Peter Boyle, but was given his job back after the studios realized Boyle was dead. Cullen gave his statement today about the casting choice. “I’ve been doing this crap for over 30 years, all I care about is getting paid.”
Transformers 5 is set to come out sometime during the summer of 2017 and will most likely be a hit regardless of who is in the lead. One studio exec anonymously stated. “The average mouthbreathing American will gladly fork over 15 dollars to see a bunch of toys killing a bunch of other toys as long as there are loud explosions. Why spend time on developing a script or hiring professional actors? The sheep want cars that turn into robots, we give them cars that turn into robots!”
(article by Tyranny of Tradition’s Cultural Editor Russell Spicer. Russell shops at PathMark)
New Iron Maiden Album Cover Pays Tribute To James Franco In “Spring Breakers”
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 19, 2015
Iron Maiden set the metal world ablaze this week by releasing the cover art from their soon-to-be-released double album “Book of Souls”. While many fans of the band were impressed with the artwork, some were surprised to learn that Eddie’s new look is based on James Franco’s performance as the drug dealing hooligan known as Alien in Harmony Korine’s 2012 film “Spring Breakers”.
Some die-hard fans of the band were angered by the Maiden’s unwillingness to bring back Derek Riggs to create the new cover. Protests were planned in 12 major American cities on Saturday to bring back Riggs. However, much of the uproar died down and the protests were cancelled when it was discovered that legendary street artist and 2014 Hipster Hall of Fame honoree Banksy created the new Eddie.
When asked about Eddie’s new crunk-for-2015 look, the band spoke about how the watching “Spring Breakers” launched them in a new creative direction. While the band says many of the tracks are the classic, straight ahead Iron Maiden you would expect, don’t be surprised if you hear a little of what Dave Murray cryptically referred to as “Dem Ruskin Arms Trap Beatz” on the new record. The band has even hinted at collaborating with Yung Jeezy on a crossover song tentatively called “Trap Somewhere in Time”.
There have also been rumors swirling around the Iron Maiden camp that “Book of Souls” is actually a concept album in which a mad scientist fuses Eddie and Alien’s DNA to create a new creature, known as “Crunkenstein”. The monster goes on a wild rampage through St. Petersburg, Florida during spring break searching for the one thing necessary to his survival, the souls of methheads. Unable to find any that hadn’t already been sold to Satan, Crunkenstein lays on the beach and spends his last moments alive singing an eleven minute power ballad about the life of Aliester Crowley.
Franco, meanwhile, was unable to be reached for comment. He is currently somewhere in the mountains of Guatemala working on a new book of poems titled “Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue: Meditations On Things I Was Thinking About While Watching Full House” that is set to be released sometime next year.
Iron Maiden Plans “The Least of The Beast” 2015 Tour; Will Play All Songs People Hate
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on October 21, 2014
The greatest band in the known universe is going on tour. Again. After Iron Maiden concludes their highly awaited “Numbing of The Beast 2014 Tour” they plan to go back out on the road and play the worst songs from their nearly 35-year catalogue. According to singer Bruce Dickinson, “Iron Maiden has always been on the cutting edge of heavy metal. What is more cutting edge then making people pay 115 dollars to see a bunch of songs that they can’t stand?!?”
Maiden plans to dust off some of the most cringe inducing songs from their catalog including Weekend Warrior, Holy Smoke, Chains of Misery, 2 AM, The Apparition and Blood On The World’s Hands. They plan to open with Hooks in You, a song so bad that it has been linked to the self-immolation of 12 Tibetan monks over the past 5 years.
In the hopes to incite the audience into riot-like fits of rage they plan on playing Sheriff of Huddersfield, Roll Over Vic Vella and Nodding Donkey Blues, three b-sides they have never bothered to play live before. They plan on closing the set with Bring Your Daughter…To The Slaughter, the song that won them the Razzie for Worst Song from a Movie in 1989 (from A Nightmare on Elm Street: Part 5).
In keeping with their more “progressive” recent style of song writing, they plan to keep every song to a minimum of eight minutes long. Instead of adding intricate soloing or creating a novel new arrangement, they will simply repeat the same chorus over and over for five additional minutes per song. If the audience has not ingested full vats of cyanide laced Kool-Aid by the middle of the show, the 19-minute a cappella version of The Angel and The Gambler should push them over the edge.
What could possibly top that setlist? How about an encore where they play the entire Final Frontier album. Twice. Along with a 12-minute Bruce Dickinson monologue about the joys of flying backed by Janick Gers playing harmonica. It will be a night few will soon forget.
The band plans on releasing a Least of The Beast album featuring their worst songs in tandem with the tour. They also will be releasing six new DVDs in the next year, including Bus 666 disc detailing the bands trip through Central Florida on a Greyhound Bus back in 1981 and Meal 666, where the audience can have the rare treat of watching Bruce Dickinson eat a steak dinner. Nap 666, featuring Dave Murray sleeping for two hours, is scheduled for release in 2017.
Monsanto Creates Genetically Altered Heavy Metal; Nicko McBrain Develops Swollen Udders
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 26, 2014
Monsanto is a multi-national conglomerate known not only as an environmentally conscious citizen corporation, but a lover of good old-fashioned heavy metal. In the hopes of speeding up the production of heavy metal albums, the company has figured out a way to genetically alter metal musicians in order to reach their peek productive capacity.
According to Monsanto spokesperson Arthur Friendly, “Over the years we’ve seen a drop off in production from metal bands. It used to be that you could expect a band to put out an album every year, but nowadays you’re lucky if a band like Slayer or Iron Maiden put more than two albums per decade out.”
This is why, Monsanto, a corporation on the cutting edge of technology and the development of mutated humans and animals, has spent billions of dollars in research and development in order to a secret process to maximize the productive capability of bands.
Thanks to Monsanto, we can expect eleven Slayer albums, forty-two Testament records, and even seven Pantera LPs featuring a Frankensteinized version Dimebag Darrell in the next year alone. Even prog-death legends Necrophagist will have something out by 2019.
However, there have been a few unplanned side effects of Monsanto’s new process. Iron Maiden drummer Nikko McBrain was unable to play a concert last week in Liverpool when he came down with a case of swollen udders. “It’s hard enough trying to keep up with the rest of the band with one bass pedal. You try hitting the hi-hat with udders swelling out of your chest. Steve told me he’d kick me out of the band if he got squirted one more time with pus infested milk.”
Pantera Vocalist Phil Anselmo Weeks After Being Genetically Modified
Drummer mastitis is not the only problem that has come from Monsanto’s bold experiment. Other members of Iron Maiden have has been mutated by the process. Thanks to Monsanto, Bruce Dickinson has developed corn on several parts of his back, Janick Gers has become a giant cockroach and Dave Murray is good looking.
Iron Maiden isn’t the only band that has suffered due to the unintended consequences of science gone mad. Slayer guitarist Kerry King has developed a rare disorder where if he gets wet, tiny Kerry Kings will grow on his body, sprout and run wild, reeking untold mischief and horror on anyone nearby.
Suffocation vocalist Frank Mullen, who recently developed fallopian tubes in his nose as a result of Monsanto, has been an outspoken critic of the genetic modification of heavy metal artists. “When Monsanto came for the milk, I did not speak out. I was not a cow. When Monsanto came for the corn, I remained silent. I was not corn. When they came for heavy metal, there was no one left to speak for me. At least, no one without horns and a tail.”
Coming Out Poser: Eight Terrible Admissions From The Depths of The Metal Closet
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing on April 23, 2014
Rarely do I ever tell the truth on this website. As a matter of fact, the purpose of the site is to declare war on the asinine construction that we have termed reality. However, I feel an unnatural obligation to level with you this morning. I write all sorts of terrible things about strangers, why shouldn’t I write an article that entirely discredits myself as a metalhead and in the process alienates a good 2/3rds of the audience?
I’m going to admit to a few things in this article that may make you uncomfortable. They are all horribly true. I make no apologies for myself. I know what I like and what I don’t like. Unfortunately, many things I like are terribly embarrassing. The awful truth is…I’m a poser.
7. My favorite Judas Priest song is from the Ripper Owens era
Not many people have given the Ripper Owens years their just due. Two excellent studio albums from a vocalist who only years earlier was covering “Turbo Lover” in front of 12 Clevelanders on open mic Mondays. On the first of those albums, he recorded the song “Cathedral Spires” which is one of the most incredible pieces of music I’ve ever heard. He’s not Rob Halford, but besides Rob Halford, who is?
I know the correct answer is to say something from the Halford era like “Hell Patrol” or “Dissident Aggressor” in order to prove the depth of my Judas Priest knowledge. Or I could claim it is “Metal Gods” or “Electric Eye” and rail on about how one of these songs found me at a low point in my life and changed me at a spiritual level. But, truthfully, while I love all of the aforementioned songs, I’ll take Spires any day of the week.
6. I’ve listened to more Tangerine Dream in the past year than Iron Maiden and Slayer combined
I know as a metalhead I’m supposed to get on bended knee every morning and thank Odin that the gods deemed us worthy of hearing Bruce Dickinson howl the chorus to “Aces High”. Every moment of my waking life should be devoted to air drumming the fills from “Seasons in The Abyss”. I’ve listened to these records a million times. People would get sick of ice cream if they ate it everyday for twenty years. These, and many other albums critical to “the metal experience”, bore me to tears at this point. I’m much more interested in exploring music I’m less familiar with than sacrificing more of my time on The Altar of True Metal.
5. I have no idea what is happening in most black metal songs (“The Emperor Has No Corpsepaint” hypothesis)
There are about eight black metal songs I like. As much as I respect the fact that musicians who play this style of music are capable of producing noises that resemble a walrus with indigestion, I can’t say I really know what on earth they are doing. As a matter of fact, I have a theory that no one actually likes black metal all that much. We pretend to because we don’t want to be the one person who admits they don’t see the appeal in a bunch of grown men dressing up like the Wyrd Sisters from Macbeth, shrieking about their love Yog-Sothoth.
4. I really don’t care when legendary heavy metal figures die
I feel bad for everyone who personally knew and loved Dio, Hanneman and Dime. They lost real flesh and blood humans in their lives. However, the outpouring of RIPing that comes out of people based on the passing of people that they don’t know is staggering. I have no doubt that these people and many others had a huge impact on the genre and probably wrote a song or two that made a bad day better, but come on. People die constantly. Everywhere. It’s the one thing human beings are consistently good at. Turning a genuine tragedy for the friends and family of a person you don’t know into your own because the musician wrote a few riffs you liked is grotesque and bizarre. Life is miserable enough without parachuting into someone else’s misfortune.
3. Don’t Call Me Your Brother, Cause I Ain’t Your @#%^ing Brother
This whole “Brotherhood of Metal” thing is hysterical. I meet people all the time I can’t stand. Including metalheads. Generally, I have a low threshold of tolerance for morons, whether they have the first Overkill album or not. The minute you start mentally tormenting some sock-brained metalhead online for spouting off nonsense that would embarrass a self-aware 7 year old or telling some guy with a Deicide tee-shirt that his children will probably have hooves, one schmuck invariably chimes in with the “why can’t metalheads get along” nonsense. Here’s why…because the number of mouth breathing idiots in the metal community is equal to the amount of inarticulate dolts in the world at large. This isn’t kindergarten. I don’t have to be nice to someone because we both happen to like Sepultura.
2a. I dread going to metal concerts
I really don’t like to leave my house much anyway, but the idea of being crammed into a really loud, dimly lit room smelling the armpits of beer soaked strangers is a fate worse than death for me. Usually, the music is way too loud and I get aggravated waiting through opening bands which are often as entertaining as cholera. I was so bored watching Zakk Wylde at OzzFest I actually fell asleep. Which was significantly more enjoyable than having the guy next to me either A. ask me whether I think Phil Anselmo is back on the heroin or B. Tell me about the time he saw so and so open for so and so in some backwater, lice infested bar way before anyone had ever heard of them.
2b. The whole moshing thing embarrassing
Concerts are expensive and, as noted above, banal, disgusting experiences. The single worst part about them is having to spend the time I’d like to take watching a band I came out to see and dedicating it to not having my feet stepped on by some neo-Cro-Magnon lummox who, instead of hashing out his troubles in group therapy, has decided that running headlong into a group of equally troubled delinquents is a way to release the demons.
People talk about mosh pits like they are mystical experiences (“I’ll never forget the night back in 1987 when we made The Wall of Death at a Nuclear Assault concert”). Really, it’s just a bunch of people running around and bumping into each other with mean looks on their faces. It’s not all that different from Black Friday at Target.
1. I Don’t Mind The Last Morbid Angel Album
I debated putting this in here, because to be honest, admitting this is the equivalent of telling a beautiful woman you are interested in that in your free time you like to make masks out of human skin and paint using other people’s blood. This album was so universally panned by critics and fans alike that you would have thought it featured Kevin Costner with gills. I’ve made fun of it on several occasions. If Mother Theresa was still alive, she’d have made fun of it.
I remember reading this interview with David Vincent after the album came out where he said some preposterous thing like “you don’t know it yet, but this will end up being your favorite Morbid Angel album.” I couldn’t even believe he could get that out with a straight face. Yet, honestly, every time that silly “crossing the line since 1989” song comes on my iPod, I end up listening to the whole thing. I don’t even mind the “Destructos” song. Or the one where he starts babbling in Spanish. I’ve listened to those songs much more frequently than I’ve busted out anything else by them…so maybe he had a point.
Rob Zombie To Open Chain of “More Hunan Than Hunan” Chinese Restaurants
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on February 3, 2014
You can now add restaurateur to the list of the many accomplishments in the career of former White Zombie vocalist and director Rob Zombie. In 2017, Zombie plans on opening ten heavy metal themed eateries in major markets including New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Billings, Montana.
These upscale, casual restaurants will be known as “More Hunan Than Hunan” and offer the best in Chinese cooking. A similar venture known as “Say You Love Szechuan” opened 10 years ago by Immortal frontman and gluten-free cellphone creator Abbath recently went bankrupt after human skull fragments were found in a plate of moo shoo pork.
The recent trend of heavy metal themed food items and dining establishments have become highly popular over the last few years. Iron Maiden’s Trooper Beer has generated a major buzz in bars around the world. Danzig Burger, a new chain in the American Southwest, features several types of burgers all marinated in wolf’s blood. Even some Wendy’s are getting into the act by test marketing a Lemmy Burger. The hamburger, which features a liquid grain alcohol center, has gotten rave reviews from critics.
Zombie, known more recently for his reputation for creating violent, gore filled films, is actually an ethical vegetarian and has been since 1982. Because of this, he plans to offer a strict vegetarian menu using an assortment of creatively hidden mock meats. However, one out of every thousand customers will be slaughtered by an angry group of redneck clowns in order to amuse the other patrons.
Mott The Hoople Inducted Into Rock And Roll Hall of Fame For Seventh Time
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on December 17, 2013
English rockers Mott The Hoople headline a star-studded cast of bands that will be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame in a ceremony to be held in Cleveland on April 10th. Best known for their rock classic “All The Young Dudes” and some other songs, Mott The Hoople are a band that, according to Rolling Stone reporter Ralph Dullard, “changed the landscape of modern music”. They have been so influential that the Hall has decided to induct them again, even though they have performed this same ritual on six previous occasions.
Mott The Hoople are not the only legends to be going into the Hall. Several big time acts including England Dan and John Ford Coley, Right Said Fred, Joey Lawrence, Van McCoy, Spandau Ballet, Quarterflash and The Georgia Satellites round out the list of performers being inducted. Several key figures in the industry will also be enshrined including Mark Jameson, Mick Jagger’s longtime gardener, Stone Billingsley, Keith Moon’s drum tech during the Quadrophenia tour, and Arnold Weisman, the record executive who tricked Miles Davis into signing a lifetime contract that deprived him of most of the royalties from his music.
One name that was not on the list are heavy metal legends Iron Maiden. Their had been a campaign among many metalheads to get the band inducted this time around, but the Hall felt that the band was simply not significant enough to make it. “Look, I know a few people really love Iron Maiden and they are a talented group, but we can’t induct a band based on one well-known song. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida is fantastic, but really, what else have they done?” said Joel Peresman, President and CEO of the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame Foundation.
In spite of the passion of their fans, Iron Maiden wasn’t even the closest runner-up among the Hall’s voters. They finished well behind .38 Special, Sir Mix-A lot, The Strawberry Alarm Clock, Lou Christie, Dexy’s Midnight Runners and Detroit Tigers pitcher Jack Morris.
The ceremony, which will be attended by some of the best-known arrhythmic, tone deaf, middle-aged hacks in the industry, will be broadcast on HBO about 46 times in April and May.
Former Iron Maiden Singer Paul Di’Anno KOed in Seventh Round by Boxing Kangaroo
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on October 11, 2013
Last night, Caesar’s Palace was the scene of one of the most anticipated boxing matches in recent memory as Humsy, a boxing kangaroo from Perth, Australia, knocked out former Iron Maiden vocalist Paul Di’Anno with a stunning display of speed and power. Di’Anno had recorded a 17-1 record over the last five years, with his only loss coming in a controversial twelve round decision last October against a bear. A victory against Humsy would have given Di’Anno a shot to fight Momo the Giant Narwhal, the current reigning MBF heavyweight champion.
Humsy, a relative newcomer to the metal vocalists versus animals boxing scene, seemed unphased by the boisterous Las Vegas crowd. He danced around the ring, reminding many reporters of a young Cassius Clay, repeatedly pounding Di’Anno with jabs to the face and chest. Di’Anno landed several solid blows early, but was worn down by Humsy’s vicious bobbing and weaving as well as his years of drinking Koch’s Golden Anniversary, making bad albums and playing children’s birthday parties.
Humsy Prepares For His Fight With Di’Anno
In the seventh round, Di’Anno lunged clumsily at Humsy with a right hook and was left wide open for a left-hand cross that knocked him to the mat for the fourth and final time. The man who recorded two of the finest metal records in the history of the genre clutched at the ropes trying to pull himself up, but was never able to get to his feet. As the ref counted Di’Anno out, Humsy was fed a cookie by his handler as and bounced around the ring to waves of wild cheering from the capacity crowd.
Humsy is already looking at a potential pay-per-view matchup against former, current Queensryche vocalist Geoff Tate in a match that some experts have dubbed “The Fight of the Century”. Tate, who recently pummeled a seal into a coma during a September fight at SeaWorld, is the number one ranked contender for the heavyweight crown. Humsy’s trainer Angelo Caprice, however, has indicated he’d be open to fighting lesser known vocalists like Metal Church singer Mike Howe, who has fallen on hard times recently and is so broke he can’t afford to pay attention.
Ulysses Stern, Actor Known For Playing Dave Mustaine in Megadeth, Dies at 83
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 30, 2013
Ulysses Stern With Megadeth Bandmates Michael Corbin, Humberto Quintero and Phillip Riesling
Veteran character actor Ulysses Stern, who played the controversial singer and guitarist from the heavy metal band Megadeth from 1992 until 2007, died earlier this morning in his Pomona, California home of a heart attack. Stern had been battling Alzheimer’s Disease since he retired from his role as Mustaine in 2007. He was 83.
A veteran of hundreds of plays, movies and television shows, Stern made his acting debut in 1958 in the Broadway version of Tennessee Williams’ classic “A Streetcar Named Desire”. From there he moved on to television, where he was featured on several hit shows including The Twilight Zone, Wagon Train and Petticoat Junction. He briefly replaced Eddie Albert in the role of Oliver Wendell Douglas for six episodes on the television show Green Acres in 1968 during Albert’s highly publicized bout with leprosy.
He spent most of the 1970s and 80s playing colorful roles in major motion pictures starring some of the most popular names in Hollywood. He was in four films with Burt Reynolds, including a memorable two-minute performance as a police detective in the Oscar winning film “Sharky’s Machine”. In spite of this, by the early 90’s his career was in a tailspin. He had reached the point where the only roles he could land were in Lifetime movies and Budweiser ads. That was when he caught the eye of talent agent Mickey Krantz.
Krantz was so impressed by his performance as Jimmy Nolan, a Vince Neil-ish grifter, in the Lifetime movie “Baby Monitor: The Sound of Fear”, that he offered Stern the chance to play Mustaine. Carmine Trovatelli, who currently plays Robb Flynn in the band Machine Head, had played Mustaine through a good part of the 80s and 90s, but left the role in after a nasty contract dispute. This paved the way for Stern to take over the role upon the release of “Countdown To Extinction”.
Although critics were often fond of Stern’s portrayal of Mustaine, the public had mixed feelings. Megadeth achieved its greatest period of commercial success under Stern, but many of the fans believe the songwriting was far superior when Trovatelli was playing Mustaine. “Megadeth was the thrashiest, most inventive band in the world when Trovatelli was playing Mustaine. When Ulysses Stern became Dave Mustaine, Megadeth sold out as far as I’m concerned.” wrote Lemmy von Corpsegrinder on the “RIP Guy Who Played Dave Mustaine When They Started To Suck” Facebook page that appeared seconds after Stern’s death.
Funeral services for Mustaine are planned for Wednesday. Hector Bayley (the actor who currently plays Mustaine), George Lemansky (the actor who plays Bruce Dickinson) and Arnold Weismuller (who recently took over the role of Rob Halford) all plan to be in attendance. However, Victor St. Pierre (best known for his work as the post-ReLoad Lars Ulrich) has already gone on record stating he wants no part of the funeral and will not attend along with the rest of the actors playing members of Metallica.
3,000 Copies of New Carcass Record To Be Released On Limited Edition Goitre
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 21, 2013
Fans of the band Carcass have a lot to look forward to in 2013. First came the news that the band had returned to the studio to record their first album in 17 years. The album, to be titled Surgical Steel, is due to hit stores sometime later this year. Now, it has been announced the band will be releasing a limited printing of 3,000 copies of the new album on 780-gram goitre.
For years, goitres were thought to simply be swollen thyroid glands found in people with iodine deficiencies. Until recently, few music fans realized how effective goitres were for carrying high definition sound. “Goitre has a much warmer, richer analog sound, but retains that sound quality better over time,” said record producer and sound quality expert Hakaru Hashimoto, who is currently working on Neil Diamond’s first goitre based release “Banned in Boston”, scheduled to come out in late 2014.
Several bands including Portal, Jungle Rot and Manilla Road have recently released limited pressings of their new albums on goitre, but Carcass is, by far, the most well-known metal band to put out a new release in this fashion.
While new goitre records are still relatively uncommon, the re-release of earlier editions of albums on goitre has quietly become a successful way for artists to cash in. These rare items have fetched huge sums on websites like eBay. A goitre version of Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” recently ran one music aficionado 2,000 dollars. However, with improvements in goitre harvesting techniques, it is possible that the industry may embrace going “full-goitre” as early as 2021.
Owning albums on goitre has become a major status symbol among some hardcore metal fans. Seattle, Washington opened America’s first Vinyl and Goitre Shop earlier in the spring. The store has been flooded with fans seeking early Iron Maiden and Judas Priest goitres. While many metalheads have jumped on the goitre bandwagon others, like 30-year metal veteran Danny von Hellstorm, lead vocalist from the band Albino Autopsy, claim they have gotten sick of all of the “goitre posers” that are flooding the scene today.
Growing their own goitres has even become a fashion statement among some metalheads in Florida. Congenital Hypothyroidism, a band out of Punta Gorda, became the first group to grow matching goitres earlier in the year. None of the members have consumed salt in the past 8 months in order to grow the lumps in their neck that would allow them to call themselves the world’s first “proto-goitrecore” band. Goitremania can clearly be taken too far, as evidenced when the band’s lead guitarist Neoplasm von Goitrogen was hospitalized after complications related to his attempted goitre piercing.
The Tyranny of Tradition 