Posts Tagged Iron Maiden
Paul Di’Anno, the 57-year-old former frontman for Iron Maiden has been cast as the lead in “Transformers 5”. This may come as a surprise to many seeing as Di’Anno has no former acting experience. The decision to replace Mark Wahlberg with Di’Anno was made when Michael Bay (director of the 4 previous Transformer films) discovered the truth about Wahlberg’s past.
Bay said in an interview this afternoon that he didn’t realize that Mark Wahlberg was actually “Marky Mark” of Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch fame. “Once I realized this, I immediately called my lawyers, I needed to drop him from the next film. I was disturbed and embarrassed to say the least.”
When asked why Di’Anno, Bay replied, “I was a huge fan of Metallica when I was younger and I figured he‘d be a good choice since he was also my favorite bassist“. When asked if he had any idea what he was talking about, Bay replied, “When’s lunch?”
Whether Bay has lost his mind or not is irrelevant. The overall response to Di’Anno’s casting has been generally well received. One fans reaction to the news was simple. “I don’t give a damn who is in the movie!”
Another simply stated. “Who is Paul Di’Anno?”
Di’Anno’s decision to become an actor came shortly after his loss to Humsy The Boxing Kangaroo early last year. Despite being KO’d by a Kangaroo and not getting his chance at fighting Momo the Giant Narwhal (the reigning MBF heavyweight champion at the time) Di’Anno was in good spirits.
This was just the beginning and shortly after that match Di‘Anno started taking acting lessons. “If I can fight a Kangaroo, I can fight an Alien Robot.” Di’Anno stated after his loss. People originally assumed he was brain damaged by that comment, but in hindsight, we can see he was lobbying to play this part for a long time.
Peter Cullen (voice of Optimus Prime) was also almost replaced with Peter Boyle, but was given his job back after the studios realized Boyle was dead. Cullen gave his statement today about the casting choice. “I’ve been doing this crap for over 30 years, all I care about is getting paid.”
Transformers 5 is set to come out sometime during the summer of 2017 and will most likely be a hit regardless of who is in the lead. One studio exec anonymously stated. “The average mouthbreathing American will gladly fork over 15 dollars to see a bunch of toys killing a bunch of other toys as long as there are loud explosions. Why spend time on developing a script or hiring professional actors? The sheep want cars that turn into robots, we give them cars that turn into robots!”
(article by Tyranny of Tradition’s Cultural Editor Russell Spicer. Russell shops at PathMark)
Iron Maiden set the metal world ablaze this week by releasing the cover art from their soon-to-be-released double album “Book of Souls”. While many fans of the band were impressed with the artwork, some were surprised to learn that Eddie’s new look is based on James Franco’s performance as the drug dealing hooligan known as Alien in Harmony Korine’s 2012 film “Spring Breakers”.
Some die-hard fans of the band were angered by the Maiden’s unwillingness to bring back Derek Riggs to create the new cover. Protests were planned in 12 major American cities on Saturday to bring back Riggs. However, much of the uproar died down and the protests were cancelled when it was discovered that legendary street artist and 2014 Hipster Hall of Fame honoree Banksy created the new Eddie.
When asked about Eddie’s new crunk-for-2015 look, the band spoke about how the watching “Spring Breakers” launched them in a new creative direction. While the band says many of the tracks are the classic, straight ahead Iron Maiden you would expect, don’t be surprised if you hear a little of what Dave Murray cryptically referred to as “Dem Ruskin Arms Trap Beatz” on the new record. The band has even hinted at collaborating with Yung Jeezy on a crossover song tentatively called “Trap Somewhere in Time”.
There have also been rumors swirling around the Iron Maiden camp that “Book of Souls” is actually a concept album in which a mad scientist fuses Eddie and Alien’s DNA to create a new creature, known as “Crunkenstein”. The monster goes on a wild rampage through St. Petersburg, Florida during spring break searching for the one thing necessary to his survival, the souls of methheads. Unable to find any that hadn’t already been sold to Satan, Crunkenstein lays on the beach and spends his last moments alive singing an eleven minute power ballad about the life of Aliester Crowley.
Franco, meanwhile, was unable to be reached for comment. He is currently somewhere in the mountains of Guatemala working on a new book of poems titled “Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue: Meditations On Things I Was Thinking About While Watching Full House” that is set to be released sometime next year.
The greatest band in the known universe is going on tour. Again. After Iron Maiden concludes their highly awaited “Numbing of The Beast 2014 Tour” they plan to go back out on the road and play the worst songs from their nearly 35-year catalogue. According to singer Bruce Dickinson, “Iron Maiden has always been on the cutting edge of heavy metal. What is more cutting edge then making people pay 115 dollars to see a bunch of songs that they can’t stand?!?”
Maiden plans to dust off some of the most cringe inducing songs from their catalog including Weekend Warrior, Holy Smoke, Chains of Misery, 2 AM, The Apparition and Blood On The World’s Hands. They plan to open with Hooks in You, a song so bad that it has been linked to the self-immolation of 12 Tibetan monks over the past 5 years.
In the hopes to incite the audience into riot-like fits of rage they plan on playing Sheriff of Huddersfield, Roll Over Vic Vella and Nodding Donkey Blues, three b-sides they have never bothered to play live before. They plan on closing the set with Bring Your Daughter…To The Slaughter, the song that won them the Razzie for Worst Song from a Movie in 1989 (from A Nightmare on Elm Street: Part 5).
In keeping with their more “progressive” recent style of song writing, they plan to keep every song to a minimum of eight minutes long. Instead of adding intricate soloing or creating a novel new arrangement, they will simply repeat the same chorus over and over for five additional minutes per song. If the audience has not ingested full vats of cyanide laced Kool-Aid by the middle of the show, the 19-minute a cappella version of The Angel and The Gambler should push them over the edge.
What could possibly top that setlist? How about an encore where they play the entire Final Frontier album. Twice. Along with a 12-minute Bruce Dickinson monologue about the joys of flying backed by Janick Gers playing harmonica. It will be a night few will soon forget.
The band plans on releasing a Least of The Beast album featuring their worst songs in tandem with the tour. They also will be releasing six new DVDs in the next year, including Bus 666 disc detailing the bands trip through Central Florida on a Greyhound Bus back in 1981 and Meal 666, where the audience can have the rare treat of watching Bruce Dickinson eat a steak dinner. Nap 666, featuring Dave Murray sleeping for two hours, is scheduled for release in 2017.
Monsanto is a multi-national conglomerate known not only as an environmentally conscious citizen corporation, but a lover of good old-fashioned heavy metal. In the hopes of speeding up the production of heavy metal albums, the company has figured out a way to genetically alter metal musicians in order to reach their peek productive capacity.
According to Monsanto spokesperson Arthur Friendly, “Over the years we’ve seen a drop off in production from metal bands. It used to be that you could expect a band to put out an album every year, but nowadays you’re lucky if a band like Slayer or Iron Maiden put more than two albums per decade out.”
This is why, Monsanto, a corporation on the cutting edge of technology and the development of mutated humans and animals, has spent billions of dollars in research and development in order to a secret process to maximize the productive capability of bands.
Thanks to Monsanto, we can expect eleven Slayer albums, forty-two Testament records, and even seven Pantera LPs featuring a Frankensteinized version Dimebag Darrell in the next year alone. Even prog-death legends Necrophagist will have something out by 2019.
However, there have been a few unplanned side effects of Monsanto’s new process. Iron Maiden drummer Nikko McBrain was unable to play a concert last week in Liverpool when he came down with a case of swollen udders. “It’s hard enough trying to keep up with the rest of the band with one bass pedal. You try hitting the hi-hat with udders swelling out of your chest. Steve told me he’d kick me out of the band if he got squirted one more time with pus infested milk.”
Drummer mastitis is not the only problem that has come from Monsanto’s bold experiment. Other members of Iron Maiden have has been mutated by the process. Thanks to Monsanto, Bruce Dickinson has developed corn on several parts of his back, Janick Gers has become a giant cockroach and Dave Murray is good looking.
Iron Maiden isn’t the only band that has suffered due to the unintended consequences of science gone mad. Slayer guitarist Kerry King has developed a rare disorder where if he gets wet, tiny Kerry Kings will grow on his body, sprout and run wild, reeking untold mischief and horror on anyone nearby.
Suffocation vocalist Frank Mullen, who recently developed fallopian tubes in his nose as a result of Monsanto, has been an outspoken critic of the genetic modification of heavy metal artists. “When Monsanto came for the milk, I did not speak out. I was not a cow. When Monsanto came for the corn, I remained silent. I was not corn. When they came for heavy metal, there was no one left to speak for me. At least, no one without horns and a tail.”
You can now add restaurateur to the list of the many accomplishments in the career of former White Zombie vocalist and director Rob Zombie. In 2017, Zombie plans on opening ten heavy metal themed eateries in major markets including New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Billings, Montana.
These upscale, casual restaurants will be known as “More Hunan Than Hunan” and offer the best in Chinese cooking. A similar venture known as “Say You Love Szechuan” opened 10 years ago by Immortal frontman and gluten-free cellphone creator Abbath recently went bankrupt after human skull fragments were found in a plate of moo shoo pork.
The recent trend of heavy metal themed food items and dining establishments have become highly popular over the last few years. Iron Maiden’s Trooper Beer has generated a major buzz in bars around the world. Danzig Burger, a new chain in the American Southwest, features several types of burgers all marinated in wolf’s blood. Even some Wendy’s are getting into the act by test marketing a Lemmy Burger. The hamburger, which features a liquid grain alcohol center, has gotten rave reviews from critics.
Zombie, known more recently for his reputation for creating violent, gore filled films, is actually an ethical vegetarian and has been since 1982. Because of this, he plans to offer a strict vegetarian menu using an assortment of creatively hidden mock meats. However, one out of every thousand customers will be slaughtered by an angry group of redneck clowns in order to amuse the other patrons.
English rockers Mott The Hoople headline a star-studded cast of bands that will be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame in a ceremony to be held in Cleveland on April 10th. Best known for their rock classic “All The Young Dudes” and some other songs, Mott The Hoople are a band that, according to Rolling Stone reporter Ralph Dullard, “changed the landscape of modern music”. They have been so influential that the Hall has decided to induct them again, even though they have performed this same ritual on six previous occasions.
Mott The Hoople are not the only legends to be going into the Hall. Several big time acts including England Dan and John Ford Coley, Right Said Fred, Joey Lawrence, Van McCoy, Spandau Ballet, Quarterflash and The Georgia Satellites round out the list of performers being inducted. Several key figures in the industry will also be enshrined including Mark Jameson, Mick Jagger’s longtime gardener, Stone Billingsley, Keith Moon’s drum tech during the Quadrophenia tour, and Arnold Weisman, the record executive who tricked Miles Davis into signing a lifetime contract that deprived him of most of the royalties from his music.
One name that was not on the list are heavy metal legends Iron Maiden. Their had been a campaign among many metalheads to get the band inducted this time around, but the Hall felt that the band was simply not significant enough to make it. “Look, I know a few people really love Iron Maiden and they are a talented group, but we can’t induct a band based on one well-known song. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida is fantastic, but really, what else have they done?” said Joel Peresman, President and CEO of the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame Foundation.
In spite of the passion of their fans, Iron Maiden wasn’t even the closest runner-up among the Hall’s voters. They finished well behind .38 Special, Sir Mix-A lot, The Strawberry Alarm Clock, Lou Christie, Dexy’s Midnight Runners and Detroit Tigers pitcher Jack Morris.
The ceremony, which will be attended by some of the best-known arrhythmic, tone deaf, middle-aged hacks in the industry, will be broadcast on HBO about 46 times in April and May.