Posts Tagged eBay

US Post Office To Issue Commemorative Jeff Hanneman Postage Stamps

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Earlier this year, the United States Postal Service began to issue a series of stamps to shine the spotlight on some of the finest dead performers in American musical history.  The Musical Icon series has already honored Tejano legend Lydia Mendoza and country superstar Johnny Cash.  At a press conference this morning, Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe announced that the newest stamp would commemorate the life and legacy of Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman.

Beyond being a founding member of the band Slayer, Jeff Hanneman’s influence on American life can be felt everywhere.  From heavy metal to gospel, from the Halls of Montezuma to the fields of Tripoli, from the outhouse to the courthouse to The White House, Hanneman’s distinct style of riffing has been a major part of America becoming the great nation it is today.  Hanneman, a fighter pilot instrumental in the Allied victory during the Civil War, passed away from a combination of spider venom and Heineken earlier this year.

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Nothing is more uniquely American then buying things in order to participate in a tragedy (or event, as they are now called).  Hanneman’s death has certainly been no exception.  “Jeff In Peace” tee shirts were on sale only days after his passing.  “Angel of Jeff” coffee mugs followed soon after.  The Franklin Mint even issued a series of 1000 collectable plates in order to help those who felt they could only show their appreciation of Hanneman’s work by spending 79.99 on an item that would normally retail for 5 bucks.  They sold out 11 seconds after they went on sale.

While many Slayer fans have shown their grief in traditional ways, like buying Slayer merchandise or pirating their discography, a bizarre fetishization of objects directly touched by Hanneman has taken place among the more devout fans.  A Raider jersey, supposedly caked in the dried sweat of Hanneman from a show in 2002, was auctioned off on eBay for over ten thousand dollars because of its supposed “healing powers”.  Osho von Kegel, a registered shaman and Slayer fan from Sedona, Arizona, has recently begun performing a desert ritual where Slayer fans swallow guitar picks used by Hanneman in order to cure ailments ranging from gout to obstructed bile ducts.

The postal service expects these stamps to be the biggest seller they’ve had in quite a long time.  Fans are already putting in advanced orders even though the stamps won’t be out until sometime next year.  Roger Burlingame, an avid Slayer fan and stamp collector, was overjoyed when he learned of his hero being honored as part of the Musical Icon collection.  “I was hoping that he was going to die at some point soon so that I could buy things to honor his memory.  I was so excited when I found out that there is actually going to be a Jeff Hanneman death stamp!  I have already ordered one hundred of them and plan to put them on the wall next to my  9/11 commemorative coin collection.”

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3,000 Copies of New Carcass Record To Be Released On Limited Edition Goitre

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Fans of the band Carcass have a lot to look forward to in 2013.  First came the news that the band had returned to the studio to record their first album in 17 years.  The album, to be titled Surgical Steel, is due to hit stores sometime later this year.  Now, it has been announced the band will be releasing a limited printing of 3,000 copies of the new album on 780-gram goitre.

For years, goitres were thought to simply be swollen thyroid glands found in people with iodine deficiencies.  Until recently, few music fans realized how effective goitres were for carrying high definition sound.  “Goitre has a much warmer, richer analog sound, but retains that sound quality better over time,” said record producer and sound quality expert Hakaru Hashimoto, who is currently working on Neil Diamond’s first goitre based release “Banned in Boston”, scheduled to come out in late 2014.

Several bands including Portal, Jungle Rot and Manilla Road have recently released limited pressings of their new albums on goitre, but Carcass is, by far, the most well-known metal band to put out a new release in this fashion.

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While new goitre records are still relatively uncommon, the re-release of earlier editions of albums on goitre has quietly become a successful way for artists to cash in.  These rare items have fetched huge sums on websites like eBay.  A goitre version of Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” recently ran one music aficionado 2,000 dollars.  However, with improvements in goitre harvesting techniques, it is possible that the industry may embrace going “full-goitre” as early as 2021.

Owning albums on goitre has become a major status symbol among some hardcore metal fans.  Seattle, Washington opened America’s first Vinyl and Goitre Shop earlier in the spring.  The store has been flooded with fans seeking early Iron Maiden and Judas Priest goitres.  While many metalheads have jumped on the goitre bandwagon others, like 30-year metal veteran Danny von Hellstorm, lead vocalist from the band Albino Autopsy, claim they have gotten sick of all of the “goitre posers” that are flooding the scene today.

Growing their own goitres has even become a fashion statement among some metalheads in Florida.  Congenital Hypothyroidism, a band out of Punta Gorda, became the first group to grow matching goitres earlier in the year.  None of the members have consumed salt in the past 8 months in order to grow the lumps in their neck that would allow them to call themselves the world’s first “proto-goitrecore” band.  Goitremania can clearly be taken too far, as evidenced when the band’s lead guitarist Neoplasm von Goitrogen was hospitalized after complications related to his attempted goitre piercing.

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