Posts Tagged Abbath
Norwegian Black Metal Linked To Abrupt Resignation of U.S. Secretary of Defense
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 20, 2015
Photo By Marlene Velasco (Luchafur Graphics)
Washington, D.C– Pentagon has released shocking new information surrounding Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel’s abrupt and unexpected resignation. Sources state that Hagel’s resignation was due, in part, to lack of support in his classified mission to negotiate alliances with various Norse metal icons in the fight against the expanding threat of Middle Eastern terrorist groups.
At one official event, a defiant, rather Scotch-addled Hagel declared, “The only way to defeat such heinous acts of violence steeped so deeply in an extreme ideology is with counter-terror of epic proportion! The power of the quintessential warriors, whose ancient lineage of voracious brutality has been the stuff of legends! No more time can be wasted, no more innocents lost; we need to strike while the iron is hot! We absolutely MUST unleash the wrath of the Northern Darkness!”
Quoting his favorite drummer Frost (Satyricon/1349), Hagel further punctuated his position exclaiming he was, “talking about Darkness with a capital D, if you understand what I mean!” Unfortunately, no one really understood what he meant. Several of the President’s handlers believed it was meant as a racial slur towards the President and cut off Hagel’s bar tab; thus heightening tensions within the administration even further.
Hagel’s work was met with resistance from both sides. On the Norwegian front, meetings with the enigmatic Gaahl (Gorgoroth/Godseed/Wardruna) resulted in a stalemate of awkward silence and numerous unsettling stare-downs on the part of Gaahl, when Hagel simply could not ‘ask the right questions’.
Back stateside, “Operation FROSTbite” was never able to even get off the ground due to what Hagel claimed to be nefarious actions on behalf of Homeland Security in the form of repeated denial of work visas. According to Hagel, “Homeland Security’s energy would be better spent targeting home-grown terrorists such as Nickelback fans. Unlike America, Frost is a fine-tuned machine and his blast beats should be the least of this country’s concern.”
Hagel was contacted by representatives of Immortal to aid in the mission, however Hagel felt that Abbath’s proliferation of internet ‘memes’ and numerous unsavory associations with famed internet personality Grumpy Cat would compromise the integrity of the operation.
Hagel’s final, cryptic statement, “If you can’t beat’em, burn churches with ’em. I have much grimmer pastures to pursue” led many experts to believe there was more to the story than the government had previously indicated.
Before the arrival of his replacement Ashton Carter, Hagel cleared out his office, packed up his corpse paint and headed to Europe for Bloodstock and the 2015 European festival season. He was spotted as recently as last Wednesday wandering the streets of Oslo in the middle of night muttering Bathory lyrics under his breath and baying at the moon.
(By Kimmy Deranged, an enlightened Black Metal yogi who lives in the Rockies, drinks too much rubbing alcohol and is convinced she can talk to tortoises)
Varg Vikernes Suspended For 4 Games By NFL For Using Deflated Murder Weapons
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 18, 2015
The NFL has suspended Jacksonville Quislings quarterback Varg Vikernes for four games for deflating the footballs he used to beat nine French tourists to death last year.
The league called the discipline “relating to the use of underinflated footballs as tools of death and dismemberment” necessary to stop behavior “detrimental to the integrity of the league.”
Vikernes, who went on an anti-French murder rampage outside of the team’s stadium after Jacksonville’s 51-7 loss to the Houston Frotteurists in December, believed that “someone had to take a stand against their decadent lifestyle, Jewish tendencies and obsession with flaky pastries”.
While Vikernes would not deny his participation in what the media is calling #Deceasegate, he claims that the footballs used were regulation sized. According to his agent Mehlvin Goehring, “Vikernes would not willingly use undersized footballs in order to murder French people. His commitment to the proper use of regulation murder weapons is unparalleled in both the NFL and the black metal community.”
Vikernes Only Hours Before Killing Nine Frenchmen With Underinflated Footballs
Sports talk radio was aflame with anti-Vikernes rhetoric today. On ESPN’s morning radio show “Mike and The Barely Coherent Mook”, host Mike Greenback opined, “You can’t just murder people with underinflated footballs. There are rules that must be followed!”
“What sort of league would we have if players just went around killing one another with weapons not approved by the NFL? What if the Bears wanted to knock Aaron Rodgers out for the playoffs and threw a toaster oven in the bathtub with him instead of using NFL approved arsenic in his coffee? Or if the New England Bartholin Glands decided to bludgeon Abbath to death with a sledgehammer instead of stabbing him multiple times in the face with a regulation sized kitchen knife? It’s a slippery slope if you’re not playing on a level playing field.”
According to ESPN afternoon host Clam Cowheart, “See if you can follow me here… it’s not the actual murders that made the NFL punish Vikernes. He murdered French people. Americans HATE the French! They changed the name of fries to Freedom Fries in this country after a group that wasn’t EVEN FROM France attacked the US.”
“No one cares about Vikernes killing some French people whether he used regulation-sized footballs or mini-footballs or waffle irons. It’s the cover up. If Vikernes had come out right away and said ‘Yeah..I killed a few Frenchmen with some underinflated footballs’ the public would have forgiven him in a second. Just like Nixon…if he had told the truth right away he would have gotten a third term. He’d probably still be President today. It’s the lie that gets you in trouble. Has been since the beginning of time.”
Several former NFL players attempted to go on the record in support of Vikernes, but due to severe head injuries they received while participating in the sport they were incapable of uttering anything besides a few grunting, gurgling noises.
Millions Of Heartbroken Tweens Mourn Abbath’s Departure From One Direction
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on March 26, 2015
Tweens everywhere were shocked and horrified by news yesterday that singer, songwriter and pop icon Abbath had left One Direction. Reactions have run the gamut from mournful posts on Twitter to self-immolations. Across the world, saddened little Tweens with tear-streaked corpse paint makeup are suffering unimaginable suffering unimaginably.
Abbath was a god among many Tweens. Some Tweens loved him for his hotness. Others chuckled at the silly memes made using his likeness. Still others covered themselves in the blood of mammals and chanted the lyrics to songs like “Story of My Life” and “What Makes You Beautiful”. 
Now, millions of Tween dreams lie shattered in pieces on the sidewalk; a decaying detritus of prepubescent post-modern boy band botulism. A free-form fetishistic festival of fury has formed in the face of festoons of fermented festering but fleeting flulike symptoms. The Tween dream has turned into a full-scale Tween nightmare. And no one can stop it.
A walk through any local mall tells the story. Tweens curled up in a ball whispering “Abbath….Abbath….Abbath” over and over again. Tweens shrieking the lyrics to “Call of the Wintermoon” and destroying watermelons with sledgehammers. Tweens laying waste to entire rows of “Hello, Kitty” merchandise with no regard to their own safety or well-being. Tweens flinging cups of Orange Julius haphazardly at innocent nonTween bystanders. Windows to Hot Topics and Forever 21s boarded up; their owners fearing a wave of Tween looting. Gangs of Tweens shouting “Death To America!” while turning over mall cop segues. The whole Tween universe…a powder keg ready to explode at even a passing mention of Abbath.
A survey of Tween sadness done earlier today by The Aldo Nova Institute For The Study of Tweenology showed that over 90 percent of Tweens were “totally, like, messed up” by Abbath’s departure. Many media outlets have gone so far as to refer to Abbath’s departure as a “Twagedy”. 
If you are the parent of a child who might or might not be experiencing Abbath-related Tween Angst (word copyrighted 2015 by tyrannyoftraditionLLC), it is important that you take the following steps in order to help your Tween make it through this trying period.
First, soak your Tween in a bathtub filled with vinegar for 5 hours. At first, they will protest and possibly even fight back, but it is critical to cleanse their pores of Tween Angst Toxins.
Second, talk to your Tween about other options to focus their obsessive little Tween minds on. Lavinia Fisher took time this morning to help her two Tween daughters Posh and Sporty Fisher take down the Abbath posters in their room. “My girls are heartbroken. Devastated. As a parent, I feel like it is important that I take action immediately and help them fixate on another cultural phenomena as soon as possible. It is critical to our survival as a species that we find some trivial novelty to think about so that pondering the looming specter of eventual death doesn’t consume our every waking second in this hell.”
Third, make sure that your Tween UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES runs away to join ISIS. There have been several reports of Tween Angsters so overwhelmed by grief that they have boarded planes to the Middle East in an attempt to deal with their sadness by “binge joining” jihadist groups. Be vigilant. Remember, YOU are the parent. Radical Islam is NOT OKAY for Tweens. 
Top 10 Metal Albums From 2104 List or Whatever
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing on December 31, 2014
I’ll Be Honest With You, This Article Is Pretty Lousy. However, I Thought I Might Distract You From That Painful Fact With A Danzig Meme.
2014 certainly was a year. It went by quickly and more of us were born than died. So, I guess things are looking up.
There were at least 10 incredible metal albums that came out this year. Unfortunately, I haven’t listened to any of them.
However, I am strong believer in the principles of jurnalizmcore (whatever they may be) and feel it is my solemn obligation to inflict upon you my opinion on what the best albums to come out in the past year were.
10. Licking Nutella Out Of a Goat’s Armpit
by A Plethora of Ants Eating The Lining of My Stomach
The second effort from this 93-piece grindcore orchestra from Wheeling, West Virginia turned heads by becoming the first CD in the history of heavy metal to explode when placed in any sort of listening device. So far, over 917 people have been maimed or killed by the record.
9.You And I Both Have Horrible Sores And Boils All Over Our Faces But We Are Still Human Beings And Deserve To Be Treated With Respect and Dignity
by Kankles On The Legs of Satan’s Younger Brother Ralph
This pop-power metal noise polka Eucharistcore mummy alphabet chicken Montreal haphazardly blackened deathrot band debuted with a record that many have compared to the noise made by a hippopatamus being slaughtered during a ritual sacrifice in Youngstown, Ohio by a roomful of Shriners.
1. Milk of Magnesia of Human Kindness
by Impetigo Sore Ridden Kidney and The Pips
I once witnessed a homicide in Troy, New York. It sounded like this album, only people were smart enough to run away.
Abbath Meme. Boom! I Bet You Already Forgot What The Article Was About
S?. Illegally Downloaded Version of Ride The Lightning
by Metallica
Sounds exactly like the legal version that people paid for except I had to type the names of the songs in (which was a serious inconvenience)
Twelve. Angel of Rotting Succubus Infected With The Worms of Evil
by Some Band That Sounds Like Slayer
I read somewhere that Joss Whedon had a painful adolescence. Too bad it didn’t continue.
Some number that rhymes with Twelve. I Went To Have Tests Done At A Local Hospital and They Diagnosed Me With A Horrible Disease That Only About Two Hundred People On Earth Have. I Ran Home And Named My Band After It.
by Rheumatoid Hemorrhagic Mump-Measals
A playful mixture Incantation, The Early Writings of The Marquis de Sade and Bob Marley. Sort of like listening to the last Burzum album after sustaining a traumatic head injury.
7. Fetal Gunshot Syndrome
by Fatal Head Wound
Best rap metal album to come out since the last rap metal album came out.
8. After Smoking For Thirty Years One Of My Lungs Looks Like A Plate of General Tso’s Chicken
by After Smoking For Thirty Years One Of My Lungs Looks Like A Plate of General Tso’s Chicken
I’m getting sick of trying to describe these albums. Most of them sound the same. I’m just going to type the first words that come to mind.
”Rattlesnake”….”Pomegranate”…”Optimum”….”Opiate”….
4. Jeff Hanneman Jokes Aren’t Funny
by Some Guy Who Just Told Me A Rick Allen Joke
I’m sure that just pissed someone off
W. Malaria: One of The Most Deadly Diseases On The Planet Yet Not One Metal Band Is Named After It
by Echo, The Bunnymen and Narcissus
Sounds like a cross between Nell Carter during her doom metal phase, early Pestilence, Erasure and mayonnaise.
2. Tim Lambesis
by My Dying Bride
Many believe this album might be a hit…
*rimshot*
“I’ll be here all week. Thanks. Try the veal”
Abbath Creates Gluten-Free Cellphones; Now Worth An Estimated 11.8 Billion Dollars
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on March 21, 2012
The biggest surprise on this year’s Forbes 500 Richest People on The Planet list was a name well known to those who follow black metal. Right below hedge fund manager Steve Cohen and above newspaper magnate Rupert Murdoch stands the name of one of the most revered members of the black metal community, Abbath. While he is mostly known for his guttural vocal wails and sweeping guitar riffs in the band Immortal, he has actually made most of his money from a very strange source. Abbath is the world’s number one distributor of gluten-free products.
After reading a study back in 2002 claiming one in every seven people had an allergy to gluten, Abbath started to think about the millions of people gluten-free products could benefit. Weeks later when Horgh, the drummer for Immortal, was diagnosed with gluten sensitivity Abbath created special gluten-free corpse paint for him to wear on stage. A rash of gluten related issues hit the black metal community in 2003 and Abbath’s makeup began to catch on. This was only the beginning.
In 2005, Abbath discovered the idea that has taken the world by storm and turned him into a multi-billionaire…gluten-free cell phones. “There are so many people whose systems can not tolerate gluten. It can cause terrible side effects that range from severe headaches, to rapid eye movement, to explosive logorrhea. I just wanted to help make a difference for people who wanted not to suffer,” said a wistful Abbath in an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition.
Since Abbath began mass marketing his Non-Celiac Cellphones seven years ago, they have become an important part of the lives of millions of people. His next step in 2007 was to create a gluten-free line of clothing. While gluten-free collared shirts have yet to take off, many stylish French teenagers have taken to recently wearing gluten free pants and socks. Gluten-free capes and fangs became the number one fashion trend in Romania last year.
The War on Gluten continued in 2009 with the introduction of gluten-free appliances. It’s hard to make it though a Wal-Mart without seeing one of Abbath’s gluten-free toasters or washing machines. He has even created gluten-free gluten, an invisible substance that cannot be detected by any of the five senses or absorbed by the body. The Pentagon purchased three cases of it for over 12 million dollars last month.
Abbath has major plans for the future. He is currently researching the possibility of gluten-free prosthetic limbs. By 2017, humans could be outfitted with gluten-free arms, legs and even torsos. He has also been working with several space nanotechnology companies in the attempt to create planet-sized, gluten-free computers. A gluten-free spaceship similar to the Death Star from Star Wars is currently in the early stages of production. It would possess a death ray that could extract all of the gluten from a planet while killing all of its inhabitants in less than three seconds.
Darkthrone’s Fenriz Arrested For Carrying Concealed Copy of Spice Girls’ “Spiceworld” Album
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on March 9, 2012
At 9:32 last night, the creative force behind black metal legends Darkthrone, was arrested at Toronto’s Pearson International Airport with a copy of the 1997 album “Spiceworld”. Apparently, Fenriz was on his way through security attempting to catch a flight to Trondheim when an astute security guard noticed the album in his bag. The album, rapped in coffee beans in an attempt to throw off Spice Girl album sniffing dogs, was confiscated and Fenriz was escorted off to jail. He currently sits in Mimico Correctional Centre awaiting his release on 300,000-dollar bail.
Fenriz, for his part, initially claimed the album was not his, but that he was actually carrying it for an unnamed friend. However, after intense questioning a tired and bewildered Fenriz broke down and admitted that he had purchased the album because he “couldn’t get that ‘Spice Up Your Life’ song out of his head” no matter how hard he tried.
Not only could Fenriz be facing three to five years hard labor for his possession of the album, there is a good possibility that he will be an outcast from the black metal world. The National Association of Black Metal Bands, a 100,000-member organization committed to keeping black metal pure, has already considered banning him from taking part in church burnings for the next five years. They have also considered taking the unheard of step of indefinitely suspending him from throwing parts of animal carcasses into the crowd during concerts.
The only such probation in the past took place in 2003 when Dani Filth was prohibited from using the word “Satan” for one year for what was referred to as “crimes against black metal”. In Filth’s case, the so-called “death penalty” was considered, a sanction that would have been forced to record an entire album of Air Supply covers.
Many metal artists have already come to Fenriz defense. According to Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine listening to the Spice Girls is not healthy but “at least he wasn’t trying to marry another man or receive free health care like most people in Canada do.” Immortal frontman Abbath also indicated that he’d support Fenriz if he joined a twelve-step Spice Girl rehabilitation program. “Free Fenriz” tee shirts have already been popping up around Norway and Cleveland, Ohio. It’s entirely possible that with a good attorney and the power of prayer, he will overcome this terrible transgression and become an upstanding citizen once again.
The Tyranny of Tradition 