Archive for October, 2012

Supreme Court Finds Moment of Prayer Before Atheist Concert To Be Unconstitutional

Florida death metal band Atheist thought they were doing the right thing for their community.  They had been scheduled to play a series of concerts during lunch at local elementary schools throughout the Tampa/Clearwater area in order to spread the appreciation of music and the love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  However, on Thursday, the US Supreme Court upheld a law that prohibits prayer during metal concerts on public school grounds.  In effect, this means that Atheist and other faith-based death metal bands are no longer allowed to pray before concerts at public schools.

A good number of local politicians and parents have denounced the decision, which shocked most legal experts who are used to the government letting people get away with anything they want as long as they invoke the name of the Christian God.  Members of the band Atheist are particularly outraged by the Court’s ruling, which they believe prohibits their constitutionally guaranteed right to pressure young school children into conforming to wildly absurd community standards.  According to Atheist drummer Steve Flynn, “if music can’t be used as a tool of forcing children into the belief that every mistake they make could potentially earn them an eternity of torment, what’s the point of even playing?”

Atheist has been known for their outspoken Christian beliefs over the past few years.  They refuse to play concerts on Sundays and have been known to throw Chick-Fila sandwiches at anyone wearing satanic black metal shirts or mocking Tim Tebow’s throwing arm.  They played several fundraisers earlier in the year for Presidential candidate Rick Santorum and have even dedicated their song “Faux King Christ” to Moral Majority Founder Jerry Falwell at a concert in July.

The Court has not been shy recently over taking cases involving religion and heavy metal.  Last year, they ruled 5 to 4 that members of the band Deicide can be forced to do the Pledge of Allegiance before concerts in spite of the fact that they are Jehovah’s Witnesses and their faith prohibits saluting secular symbols.  In a landmark case back in 2008, they ruled that the black metal band Watain was prohibited from throwing out non-Kosher animal parts into the audience during concerts taking place in a synagogue.

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A Criminological Review of Lion Splicer’s “Holiday in Dystopia”

I’m sitting on the side of the road on a stormy October morning.  The clock reads 3:52.  My car is bathed in a flood of ominous blue police lights from the car behind me.  My speakers are pinned on 50 blaring “Holiday in Dystopia”, the new record from Lion Splicer.  Suddenly, a loud knock on the window….

Officer:  License and registration.

Me:  I was listen to the new Lion Splicer record, Officer.  It’s quite good.  They shown some genuine progress from their earlier stuff and I already thought that was pretty excellent.  They’re really thrashy with a punk rock edge.  They remind me a lot of the stuff that used to be on K Records years back like Karp and Fitz of Depression…..

Officer:  License….and registration.

Me:  I don’t know what you think of the whole crossover scene, but I really dig it.  Lion Splicer has moments where they remind me of D.R.I. or, if you are a bit younger, Municipal Waste.  It’s never been my favorite scene, but when it’s done well, it’s a lot of fun to listen to.  Great party music.  The song they have on this record called “The Whip” really gets into the spirit of….

Officer:  Listen Son.   I just need your license and registration.

Me:  I understand that.  One of the things that really grabs me about “Holiday in Dystopia” is the band’s willingness to mix in genres you wouldn’t expect.  I know a lot of bands today do that, but they really have a knack for how to make it work.  The solo on the first song “Jezebel” sounds like something off of a Dick Dale and The Deltones record.  Pure surf.  I was blown away when I…..

Officer:  Okay Son, I’ve had about enough of this talk about this Lion Slicer band….

Me:  Lion Splicer.  I’ve been assured by the band that they mean no harm towards animals.  Particularly lions.  They love lions and mean to use their music to….

Officer:  Whatever.  Listen, I’m not interested in whatever this is you are trying to talk to me about.  You were doing 79 in a 35.  That’s the issue, Son.

Me:  No, no, I understand.  I just think that if you went to the bands Bandcamp site and check them out, you wouldn’t be so concerned about minor details.

Officer:  Minor det….Son, you were going 43 miles over the speed limit…

Me:  44 actually….

Officer:  YES!  EXACTLY.  So let’s stop with all the talk about this Tiger Beat band….

Me:  Lion Splicer.

Officer:  Stop interrupting me!

Me:  Sorry, I just think that the bands ability to blend bizarre, dissonant noise with catchy rhythms is unique and borders on sheer brilliance.  If that’s a crime, ARREST ME!  Put the cuffs on me and take me away!

Officer:  Gladly.

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Metallica Names 2,000 Pound Walrus as New Bass Player

Ending weeks of speculation, Metallica has chosen Nessie, a 2,000 pound performing walrus, to be their new bass player.  The search began back in 2011 when bassist extraordinaire Robert Trujillo was eaten by a pack of feral orangutans at the Jones Beach Toll Plaza in Long Island, New York.  The band had auditioned over 62,023,017 potential bass players before finally settling yesterday on Nessie.  Before being selected by Metallica, Nessie has had a storied career that included a stint as halfback for the New York Jets and three years as a backup singer for the Isley Brothers.

Nessie is relatively new to the metal scene, but has already made a big impression.   During a freezing cold outdoor concert in Oslo, Norway, Nessie laid on top of Megadeth singer Dave Mustaine for the entire song Tornado of Souls in order to save him from frostbite.  However, not all of Nessie’s experiences with the metal scene have been positive.  Controversy followed Nessie after he knocked Kerry King unconscious after a Slayer show in March.  King had apparently tried to eat one of Nessie’s fins, driving him into a wild, murderous rage.

Nessie will begin his tenure in Metallica next month when the band gets to work on recording its next album, the nautically themed “A Porpoise Driven Life”.  The new record will feature several exciting new tracks including “Of Wolf and Manatee”, “Trapped Under Ice Fishermen”, “The Cod That Failed”, and “Saint Angler”.  They are also planning another in the long series of Unforgiven songs, this one called “The Unforgiven Mambo Number 5”.

Industry experts expect the album to come out sometime in late 2015 in order to coincide with Red Lobster’s yearly Endless Crab Legs promotion.  Red Lobster became the official sponsor of Metallica earlier this month.

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