Posts Tagged Mitt Romney

Metalheads Protest Santorum Visit To Tacoma

In a bizarre but effective demonstration, scores of enraged metalheads showed up last night to protest Rick Santorum’s fake anti-metal agenda last night in Tacoma, Washington.   The protestors, well aware that Santorum hadn’t made the comments about metal that were first reported on this website, decided that he had said and done enough repugnant stuff in his time on the national stage to deserve their wrath anyway.  Santorum, who was speaking only seconds away from the Metalheads and the Occupy Tacoma Protestors, spent most of the night ignoring the protestors and saying essentially meaningless things to the crowd who applauded wildly for no reason in particular.

Photo By Glen Casebeer

Glen Casebeer, writer for The Northwest Music Scene, who was at the rally noted that the evening was “volatile at times”.  Protestors, packed together like sardines, spent a good portion of the night arguing with wild-eyed Santorum supporters who were emblazoned by the full moon and scent of human blood.  The night featured the predictable glitter bombing of Santorum along with Tacoma’s shock troops getting a chance to use their tasers on a few people who were practicing their First Amendment right to free assembly.  All things considered, it was a fine night for the democratic process.

Photo By Glen Casebeer

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Rick Santorum Declares War On Heavy Metal

Rick Santorum has been on the offensive lately, but his target has not been Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney or even President Barack Obama.  For the past week, Santorum has been using his campaign to take aim at an issue he feels to be the single most dangerous force in America today: Satanism in heavy metal.   “If you listen to the radio today, many of these brand new, so-called heavy metal music bands like Black Sabbath, Venom, The WASP and Iron Maiden use satanic imagery to corrupt the minds of young people,” announced Santorum at a 10,000 dollar a plate sock-hop in Valdosta, Georgia on Thursday.

Santorum’s popularity in the polls has grown substantially since he began speaking out against metal and its assault on traditional values.   He has spent much of the past week in the Midwest encouraging young people to stay away from metal artists and listen to performers like Michael W. Smith and Pat Boone.  In a recent Gallup Poll, 87 percent of Republican voters think that the biggest problem in America today is “the demented bloodlust of teenagers caused entirely by heavy metal music.”

In the past, Santorum has accused heavy metal of being the cause of some of the worst crimes in American history including the attempt on the life of Ronald Reagan in 1981, 9/11 and the passage of Obama’s Health Care Bill.  He stepped up his rhetoric in a speech on Wednesday when he implied that heavy metal is the cause of many forms of mental illness as well as lactose intolerance.

It’s probably not a coincidence that since he began his crusade against metal that his poll numbers have been surging upwards.  Picking out a small and unique group, singling them out as “other” and using them to frighten the masses is a proud tradition in American politics.  However, many commentators believe that his call for metal internment camps goes too far.  Santorum has openly advocated the forced re-education of metalheads.  They would be forced to endure 30 days of non-stop “values based” music that promotes the American way of life as well as the free market.  In order to leave, they will have to sing the chorus to at least one Celine Dion song.

In response to Santorum’s metal onslaught, Mitt Romney officially denounced his earlier position of “tolerance towards all fans of extreme music”.  This, in spite of the fact that GWAR played his inauguration as governor of Massachusetts back in 2003.  But things have changed since 2003 and embracing heavy metal music is about as popular selling baby organs on Ebay or clubbing seals.  Romney will need to begin pretending to be something else if he plans on facing Obama in the general election in November.

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The 657th Republican Debate of The 2012 Presidential Campaign in the State of Iowa as Told By Franz Kafka

“Nansen saw the monks of the eastern and western halls fighting over a cat. He seized the cat and told the monks: “If any of you say a good word, you can save the cat.”

No one answered. So Nansen boldly cut the cat in two pieces.

That evening Joshu returned and Nansen told him about this. Joshu removed his sandals and, placing them on his head, walked out.

Nansen said: “If you had been there, you could have saved the cat.”

-From The Gateless Gate

Announcer:  Now, presenting tonight’s debate between the leading candidates for the Republican nomination for the presidency of the United States.  Today’s event is sponsored by Big Vern’s Preowned Buicks an independent, freedom-loving outlet for the finest in preowned vehicles in all of suburban Waterloo, Iowa.  Here is tonight’s host, former All-American right tackle from the 1978 Sugar Bowl Champion Iowa Hawkeyes, the man who can put you in a Buick for under 10,000 dollars, Big Vern Walters.

Big Vern:  Yeah, uhm, thanks.  Tonight we are going to talk to some great Americans who may be President if the good lord wills it and chooses to not rain fire and brimstone down on the people of Iowa for embracing Satan and for buying cars made in Japan and other communist countries.  So, I digress, here’s the candidates.  If you don’t know them by now it’s probably because you’ve been watching CNN, otherwise known as the Commie News Network.  (audience laughs on cue)  Anyways, lets give a big Iowa welcome to the candidates.

(Audience applauds thunderously in response to the promise made by Big Vern before the debate that if they make the “Applause-O-Meter” reach 10 at least twice, they would get a dollar off coupon that can be used at the local Applebee’s)

(At this point, the candidates paste a big “gosh I hope you can look at me and think I’m the type of guy (or gal) you can sit down and have a beer with” smile on their makeup plastered faces)

Big Vern:  As for my first question, here it is.  Mitt Romney, Do you think that Obama is a Muslim?  If not, why are you protecting him?

Mitt:  Americans are were very hardworking them those who hate freedom well twelve Obamacare the enemies of the West those who hate us Obamacare Obamacare measured balanced approach our boys in Afghanistan Reagan them rock and roll is a bunch of mindless noise small businesses tax breaks Reagan fourteen insert joke here experienced leadership.

Gingrich:  Let me just interject for a minute.  Massachusetts Ted Kennedy liberal noise crickets my plan tax breaks Obamacare job creators those who hate freedom.  I have a plan that allows the 29th Amendment to use the Federal Reserve to make bacon.  Liberalism I’m an outsider Osama Bin Laden fear tax breaks Obamacare smarter than your average 4th grader thinking man’s conservative values welfare death cheaters awake after three.  Obamacare.  Liberal.  Brain Science.  Eliminate the Capital Gains Tax.  Reagan.

Big Vern:  That’s quite interesting, but Mr. Paul, how would you address the issue of people who make over 250 thousand dollars a year having to give away 3 quarters of their income to people on welfare who don’t want to work for a living?

Paul:  Let me first say, Obamacare (audience boos wildly).  Founding fathers spinning in graves to the tune of 7 trillion dollars in money spent on welfare in the past 10 seconds Federal Reserve Lizard People death no more taxes Obamacare….

Audience Member:  KILL THE HERETIC!!!!!

(Rest of Audience Laughs)

(Applause for no apparent reason)

Paul:  Federal Reserve buying cocaine or cannabis shouldn’t be a crime if you happen to drive Mercedes oppression taxation Department of Education selling crack to unwed mothers.  And that’s fine.  This is America.  Rights, Freedom, Liberty.  Some obscure historical example Republicans typically don’t use.  Freedom. Liberty.  Liberty. Reagan. Liberty. Atlas Shrugged.  Reagan.  Liberty.

Big Vern:  I just want to complement you, Mr. Paul, on being the only straight talker on this here stage.  Mr. Santorum, do you feel the media has been ignoring you?

Santorum:  Abortion….

Big Vern (cuts off Santorum):  And Ms. Bachmann, it’s been said that you believe strongly in values.  Is this true?

Bachmann:  Curing homosexuality welfare Obamacare (audience boos) good hardworking Americans freedom liberty Christ values Christ Tim Tebow (audience applauds wildly).  Freedom I’m from where the real people live liberty godless heathens cities children puppies apple pie godless communism Christ Tim Tebow Reagan.  Reagan.  Reagan.

Obamacare!  (audience lets loose bloodthirsty shouts)  Our soldiers are brave.  Socialism welfare dead values my opponents people underestimate me because I’m not paying attention.

Big Vern:  And Mr. Perry, how would you change America if elected President?

Perry:  (Unintelligible noises that somewhat resemble English)

Big Vern:  And Mr. Huntsman, clearly with a haircut like yours you are an establishment liberal from Massachusetts who can’t win.  A question for you Mr. Gingrich, now that you are the frontrunner in the field, how likely is it that your past ties to communist organizations like The Heritage Foundation hurt your campaign?

Gingrich:  (while wearing a giant squid on his head)  Fifty four forty or fight!!!!!

(Editors note:  How much sadness, how much horror, how much shame can one nation be subjected to before they see the entire sick, twisted carnival as being too much to bear?  Tell me what can be done….please.  Because this actually does matter.  Because this is not just simply a sideshow for the amusement of a bunch of uninvolved spectators.  Because really important things hang in the balance.  Because we are desperate for people who can help us make sense of the world we live in.  Because this is not entertainment, this is our lives they are talking about.  Because the civic arena was once where we exhibited the best of who we were.  Because there have to be better people who can lead us.  Because there simply has to be more than this.  Right?  Right??!)

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GOP Frontrunner Perry: “King Diamond is Too Moderate For America”

Too Moderate For America???

In the hopes of stemming the growing tide of voters supporting King Diamond for President, Republican frontrunner Rick Perry lashed out at The King’s campaign which he claimed is “well outside of the mainstream in American politics.”  In a speech given by Perry at the home of noted abortion clinic bomber Jack Marcus, Perry went on a full scale five minute offensive against Diamond in an attempt to show that he does not represent the values of today’s Republican Party.  “Where are the irresponsible proposals for tax cuts for the wealthy?  Where are the preposterous accusations of President Obama’s link to The Communist Party?  Where are the crazed threats of violence against Third World Countries?  Do you realize King Diamond has been on the campaign trail for less than three weeks and he has yet to accuse an Islamic charity group with having ties to Al-Qaeda?  I had been in the race less than a week when I threatened to beat up the Head of The Federal Reserve Board!  King Diamond is clearly too moderate for the Republican Party and definitely too moderate for America,” shouted a wild-eyed Perry in front of 200 cheering, drooling Perry for President staffers.

Perry Campaigning In Cedar Rapids

Perry is not the only candidate who has attacked King Diamond in recent days.  Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney hammered The King for “sounding like a girl when he sings”.  Romney went on to accuse King Diamond of plagiarizing the entire Abigail album, which Romney claims he himself wrote in his Geometry notebook while a high school student in the 1960s.  Romney even went so far as to question The King’s metal credentials.  “I’m much more of a metalhead than King Diamond,” exclaimed Romney in front of the only guy who came to see his speech last night in Des Moines, “I have every Venom album on vinyl, while King Diamond only has them all on CD.  I ask you…Who is more metal?  Me or The So-Called King.”

Michelle Bachmann chimed in yesterday claiming “King Diamond is God’s punishment on America for the sin of collecting taxes.” Ron Paul accused The King of “actually being a secret agent of The Lizard People and The Cult of The Illuminati.”  Some guy named Jon Huntsman who claimed to be a Republican Presidential candidate also said some nasty stuff about King Diamond, but no one in the press bothered to write it down or record it.

Much of this negative campaigning reflects a belief that the Republicans have a chance to win the election in November if they can just turn the American public into a frightened mass of well-armed lunatics.  This strategy has worked well so far against President Barack Obama.  In a recent CNN/Gallup Poll, 65 percent of Americans claimed they would “vote for a seal who knew how to balance a ball on its nose before they’d reelect Obama”.  In a Rasmussen Poll taken last week, it was revealed that 82 percent of Republicans feared that if they voted for Obama a plague would immediately descend upon the land and rabid dogs would eat their children.  However, in both polls however, Obama still leads Perry by around 4 percent.

King Diamond has remained silent so far about the attacks although he has mentioned to several sources inside his campaign that “he looks forward to playing beach volleyball with Michelle Bachmann’s head”.  He also joked with a reporter about Rick Perry’s intense persona saying “everybody’s a tough guy when they have Secret Service protection.  He wouldn’t last 5 seconds in The Pit.  He couldn’t beat up my grandmother.”  The King has a tough week of campaigning ahead, including a major, make-or-break policy speech in front of the influential “Satanists For Christ” National Convention in Davenport this Friday.  His ability to attract evangelical voters is seen as the key to him winning the all-important Iowa caucus in January.

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The Man Who Would Be King Diamond

(Here’s a great piece that was on CNN’s website last Friday)

(CNN)-After watching him burst from the obscure world of heavy metal music onto the national stage as a Republican candidate for the Presidency, most Americans are asking the same question, “Who is King Diamond?”  As of 2010, most political commentators hadn’t even heard the album Fatal Portrait let alone considered him to be a possible challenger to Barack Obama’s Presidency.  However, the past few months have seen a whirlwind of political action by The King, including solving the debt crisis, helping to overthrow Mubarak’s government in Egypt and giving a speech in front of 2 million screaming, poorly-dressed metalheads at this month’s Million Metalhead March.

Not only is The King gathering a flood of support from disaffected Republicans (as well as some Democrats), his shadowy political action committee, known as THEM, has raised over 13 million dollars in less than 2 weeks.  In order to understand King Diamond’s appeal to voters, it is first important to learn about his fascinating background.  In many ways, The King’s story is America’s story.

Kim Bendix Peterson was born in Copenhagen, Denmark in 1739.  He was the son of Per Peterson, a blacksmith, and Abigail Peterson, a blood-drinking witch who was a direct descendant of the God Poseidon.  He was an intelligent young man who was deeply interested in alchemy, local politics and dead animals.  When he turned 16, he had his first meeting with the Dark Lord Satan, who was working as a science teacher at The King’s high school.  Satan, who was impressed by young Kim’s quick wit and nimble mind, became something of a mentor to him.  “I remember when I first met him,” said Satan in an exclusive interview with CNN last week, “you could just tell he was going to do great things.”

When Kim turned 21, he officially took on the name King Diamond during a ritual sacrifice of Copenhagen’s largest water buffalo.  The King was immediately given the powers of invisibility, the ability to cast spells on those he felt were deserving of torment and the occasional ability to raise the dead.  Satan worried that The King might be taking on too much at a young age, but Diamond was able to keep things in perspective, rising to the role of Dark Prince in a span of less than five years.

Things haven’t always been easy for The King.  Diamond has had to overcome several major obstacles in his life including a yearlong bout with bubonic plague and his grandmother’s devastating battle with mental illness.  However, nothing compares to the horrible four year stretch where he was dead back in the 1840s.  After being burned at the stake by wild-eyed French farmers who believed he caused blight on their crops, he was trapped in a darkened purgatory for what seemed like eternity.  Eventually Charon, the ferryman on the river Styx, found the King screaming falsetto Latin choruses at passing demons and led him out of the realm of eternal darkness.  “I felt like The King still had so much evil to bring to the world,” said Charon in his biography “Rollin’ On The River of The Dead:  A Memoir”, “so I took pity on his soul and returned him to the world of the living.  I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

After his return to earth, The King became involved in politics, eventually landing a high-ranking position as Ambassador to Russia under President Teddy Roosevelt.   While in the Roosevelt administration, Diamond accidently helped to negotiate the end of the Russo-Japanese War.  For his work, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize along with the President, an Award that he tossed into a blazing fire moments after he received it.  Things turned sour between him and Roosevelt soon after when the President refused to allow Satan to take control of Arizona, which he believed Satan rightfully won from the President in a game of poker.  The King became disillusioned with politics and travelled to the Far East in order to learn meditation techniques from several enlightened masters.

The King returned to Europe in the 1970s and began his career as a musician, believing that music was the best way to spread his message of unbridled horror to the world.  After stints in bands like Brainstorm and Black Rose, the King truly found his calling in the 1980s fronting metal legends Mercyful Fate.  Along with the seven studio albums he recorded with Fate, he also put together twelve magnificent studio records as a solo artist.   After seeing what he referred to as the “embarrassing state of American politics”, he decided it was time to return and save America from the “tyranny of the painfully stupid”.  The King plans to bring a no-nonsense approach to governing that includes a more equitable tax code and the return of the guillotine.  He has a bold, striking vision for America that many consider radical.  However, in these troubled times, a radical message like his may be just what Americans are looking for.

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Mitt Romney Claims He Was Abducted By “Evil Liberal Twin”

In a stunning announcement, Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney divulged that his evil twin Mittt was actually responsible for many of the decisions made while he was governor.  “After years of deliberation, I’ve decided to come forward with the truth about many of my decisions as governor of Massachutsetts.  Passing the health care bill and many other leftist decisions were made by my twin.  It is he who is a liberal.  I have always been committed to positions consistent with the most died in the wool conservative Americans.”

According to Romney, he and his twin are mirror images of each other.  Even the names are even extremely similar.  Romney claims that the twin’s name is pronounced exactly the same.  The final “t” is a silent and is neither pronounced nor written.   While the two share identical features, they couldn’t be more different in terms of political views.  Romney described his twin as a “card carrying socialist out of touch with the views of mainstream Americans” and excoriated him for his support of Massachusetts’ “dangerous and potentially apocalyptic” health care law.

During today’s press conference, Romney detailed how his twin locked him in a meat locker in the basement of the governor’s mansion for two years while “evil Mittt” made terrible decisions that turned the State of Massachusetts into a “communistic wasteland”.   Romney was only able to survive by eating Vienna Sausages and reading from the two books he had with him, The Bible and The Wit And Wisdom of Ronald Reagan.  “In my darkest moments, it was the words of God and The Gipper that allowed me to survive.”

Romney claims that at one point the Ghost of Barry Goldwater came to lighten his spirits.  After Goldwater’s pep talk, Romney was able to use a frozen lamb shank to smash the lock and escape. “If not for the spirit of conservatism, I’d have surely frozen to death,” announced Romney proudly.

There have been several other occasions where the Republican Presidential Candidate has been abducted and hidden by his liberal brother.  “That whole thing about being pro-choice, that was my twin.  And the stuff about letting clerks issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples.  Him again!  Pretty much all the things that have made me appear moderate in anyway whatsoever are the responsibility of Mittt.  I’ve never had a thought in my mind at anytime that was even remotely liberal.  I have never been within 300 feet of anyone who has ever been a member of the Democratic Party.  I will not eat food produced packaged in plants that employ liberals.  Mittt’s is the guilty one.  It was him all along!”

So far, no one has been able to contact Romney’s twin.  Romney has furnished the media with pictures of Mittt (see below) but claims he has not spoken to him in years and is not sure where he is.  “He’s joined Al-Qaeda for all I know,” fumed Romney, “I doubt we will see him again.  Certainly not until the New York primary.”

The resemblance between the two Romneys is incredible….

The Real Mitt Romney

Romney's Evil Liberal Twin, Mittt

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