In a stunning announcement, Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney divulged that his evil twin Mittt was actually responsible for many of the decisions made while he was governor. “After years of deliberation, I’ve decided to come forward with the truth about many of my decisions as governor of Massachutsetts. Passing the health care bill and many other leftist decisions were made by my twin. It is he who is a liberal. I have always been committed to positions consistent with the most died in the wool conservative Americans.”
According to Romney, he and his twin are mirror images of each other. Even the names are even extremely similar. Romney claims that the twin’s name is pronounced exactly the same. The final “t” is a silent and is neither pronounced nor written. While the two share identical features, they couldn’t be more different in terms of political views. Romney described his twin as a “card carrying socialist out of touch with the views of mainstream Americans” and excoriated him for his support of Massachusetts’ “dangerous and potentially apocalyptic” health care law.
During today’s press conference, Romney detailed how his twin locked him in a meat locker in the basement of the governor’s mansion for two years while “evil Mittt” made terrible decisions that turned the State of Massachusetts into a “communistic wasteland”. Romney was only able to survive by eating Vienna Sausages and reading from the two books he had with him, The Bible and The Wit And Wisdom of Ronald Reagan. “In my darkest moments, it was the words of God and The Gipper that allowed me to survive.”
Romney claims that at one point the Ghost of Barry Goldwater came to lighten his spirits. After Goldwater’s pep talk, Romney was able to use a frozen lamb shank to smash the lock and escape. “If not for the spirit of conservatism, I’d have surely frozen to death,” announced Romney proudly.
There have been several other occasions where the Republican Presidential Candidate has been abducted and hidden by his liberal brother. “That whole thing about being pro-choice, that was my twin. And the stuff about letting clerks issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Him again! Pretty much all the things that have made me appear moderate in anyway whatsoever are the responsibility of Mittt. I’ve never had a thought in my mind at anytime that was even remotely liberal. I have never been within 300 feet of anyone who has ever been a member of the Democratic Party. I will not eat food produced packaged in plants that employ liberals. Mittt’s is the guilty one. It was him all along!”
So far, no one has been able to contact Romney’s twin. Romney has furnished the media with pictures of Mittt (see below) but claims he has not spoken to him in years and is not sure where he is. “He’s joined Al-Qaeda for all I know,” fumed Romney, “I doubt we will see him again. Certainly not until the New York primary.”
The resemblance between the two Romneys is incredible….
#1 by johncerickson on June 29, 2011 - 5:43 PM
I’m confident that there was a lamb shank and a sharp impact involved. As for the rest, I’m sure he HAS seen the ghost of Goldwater. Heck, I’ve seen the ghost of Goldwater. Then again, mixing Vicodin, Ambien, Valium, and horrific quantities of alcohol will guarantee the sight of the most incredible things, including a fuel tanker getting it on with a 747 while little green guys try to board the luggage carousel, convinced it’s their mothership. (Since this is a family blog, I won’t discuss what the flight attendants, the luggage trolley, and 3 Samsonite make-up cases were doing.)
Personally, I’d say hoodwink the 2-tea Mitt, get him on the Palin bus with the whole Palin clan, weld the door shut, stick an outboard on the back, point towards Venezuela, and send Hugo Chavez a nice get-well present!
#2 by Keith Spillett on June 29, 2011 - 7:10 PM
#3 by nonnie9999 on June 29, 2011 - 6:52 PM
john erickson told me about your post, keith, and i rushed right over to offer proof that there really is an evil mittsie twin. i have photographic proof (times 3)!
#4 by Keith Spillett on June 29, 2011 - 7:17 PM
Thanks for the visit! I love your post. Looks like you had him nailed back in ’07.
#5 by matthewashton on June 30, 2011 - 7:43 AM
It all makes sense now. This would explain a heck of a lot. Healthcare reforms, the social acts, the lots.
However, while this post is easily the best thing I read in quite a long time, I should point out that its irresponsible to bring up the ghost of Goldwater. I’ve spent months trying to convince my niece that Goldwater is just a fairy tale told to frighten bad children and now you’ve brought it all up again and she won’t come out of her room for fear that Goldwater will get her. She’s also threatening to vote Republican in order to try and placate his vengeful spirit.
The only reason they’ve never produced rubber Goldwater masks like the Nixon and Reagan ones is that the results would be too unspeakably terrifying.
#6 by Keith Spillett on July 4, 2011 - 2:08 PM
Goldwater masks! Yikes! I’m pretty sure there is a Twilight Zone episode where people wear Goldwater masks until midnight, then when they take them off they have actually morphed into some facsimile of the man.
My son completely believes that there is a Goldwater Beast that lives in the tar pit behind our house. It eats children who stay up past 9, don’t eat their vegetables or support tariffs. It’s a helpful myth to engrain in the young. Your niece will grow up with a powerful respect for the free market and, at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.
They are in the process of developing Mitt Romney masks, but they haven’t figured out where to put the second face (rimshot). I’ll be here all week…try the veal.
#7 by cevon on July 20, 2011 - 6:32 AM
I agree 100%
#8 by the check is cut on July 24, 2011 - 9:48 PM
You are a very smart person!