Archive for August, 2014

ISIS the Rock Band Mistaken for the Terrorist Group



The name of the militant Islamic group ISIS is probably one of the most reviled names in the country at the moment, and that is triggering threats and hate email for a defunct post-metal rock band with the same name.

“It blows my mind that people can’t see the difference,” a representative of the band told ABC News. “I know they receive threats constantly via Facebook.”

ISIS, a band originating from Boston, Massachusetts, began playing in 1997, releasing nine albums with titles like “Panopticon” and “In the Absence of Truth.” The group moved to California before officially splitting up in 2010.

Though the band is no longer together, the ex-members are being flooded with threats from individuals who believe them to be associated with the Islamic terrorist group, which recently claimed responsibility for beheading American journalist James Foley. The group has also slaughtered Christians, Yazidis and other Muslims who aren’t members of the Sunni Islamic sect.

“It certainly caught us off guard,” Aaron Harris, the band’s drummer, told ABC News.

“Just like our fans, we’ve been watching the news in disbelief,” Harris added. “We haven’t commented on it because we haven’t been an active band since 2010, even though our music does live on. We maintain our Facebook page to keep people up-to-date on our current musical projects.”

The name of the band’s official Facebook page was changed from “ISIS” to “Isis the band,” potentially as a way to distance themselves.

Even fans are beginning to tone down their public support of ISIS the band, possibly out of fear of being mistaken for a supporter of the terrorist group.


(A big thank you to Sarah Figalora from ABC News for writing this article and saving me the trouble of having to write it myself)


Metallica To Donate 1 Percent Of Profits From Album To Victims of Being Trapped Under Ice


Heavy metal is known as a type of music that promotes Satanism, debauchery and ritualistic homicide. For years, bands like Varg Vikernes and Megadeath have celebrated the suffering of millions in order to sell record albums. In a bold step to forever alter the image of heavy metal, Metallica has decided to take a look at the man in the mirror and make a change.

After the band visited a hospital ward in Blaine, Minnesota filled with children who had been trapped under ice, the members of Metallica have decided to give back the best way they know how. With money.

In the last 20 years, nearly one million Americans have been trapped under ice. This can lead to hypothermia and really bad cardiopulmonary stuff. Being trapped under ice is the 179th leading killer in America today, just behind accidentally dropping a toaster in the bathtub and hoof-in-mouth disease. Awareness of this national crisis is critical in order to raise awareness of this national crisis.

According to Metallica spokesman Chuck Ponzi, “It is critical that the public understand that Metallica really cares about people. We wanted to take pictures of them at a leper colony, but that was deemed too dangerous, so instead they decided to help The National Trapped Under Ice Foundation battle against other diseases for the charity dollars of millions of Americans.”

“It’s a win-win situation. People can absolve themselves of the responsibility of having to actually take action to help others all while enjoying a fabulous new album. Also, by bringing awareness to this vital cause Metallica can rehabilitate their reputation as money-grubbing swine and make absurd amounts of money in the process.”

“The guys have been talking a lot lately about wanting to make a difference. The other day when they were at a local Starbucks drinking seven-dollar coffees, it became clear how they could do it. Starbucks gives two percent from every beverage sold to save the rainforests. Why can’t Metallica sell their brand in the same way?  Let the public spend money on things they want and let them feel like good people for doing it!”

Several bands have already jumped in with ideas on how to create a better world while hawking useless consumer goods. As of today, two percent of every Immolation tee-shirt sold will go to burn victims while MOD will donate the proceeds from three percent of every hoodie sold to those suffering from AIDS. Even Kiss is getting into the act by donating a full .0000001 percent of sales of Kiss lunchboxes to help fight depression.

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Robin Williams Riot In Ferguson Enters Day 5

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Rioting and looting continues to rage in Ferguson, Missouri as pro-Robin Williams miscreants destroy high quality consumer products in the hopes of avenging “the worst American tragedy since the death of Michael Jackson”.

The riots, triggered by the suicide of the beloved star of “Toys” and “Patch Adams”, looked to be quelled earlier in the week when city officials agreed to play “Jumanji” at a local theater for 24 consecutive hours offering the really bad people who are destroying things free admission. However, the malcontents began to riot again when it was announced that reruns of “Mork and Mindy” would no longer be played on Nick at Night.

According to community organizer and rioter Ralph Parsons, “we considered several non-violent tactics to bring awareness to this crisis. We thought about marching on city hall or even boycotting belts. However, when something of this magnitude takes place, drastic actions are needed.”

The godless heathens, who just break stuff because they are bitter about their inability to succeed in a country where you can do anything you want if you just work hard, have begun a recent spree of burning down Quik Trip (QT) convenience stores. The National Guard has been called in to protect the wonderful array of coffees and fresh baked goods offered at low prices to an adoring public.

QT Destroyed By Rioters


Parsons, who was recently laid off and lost his home because of his laziness and poor hygiene, believes that the media’s coverage of the riots has been highly inaccurate.

“I keep turning on the television and hearing all this nonsense about the racial stuff. Sure, police often target African Americans. Sure, African Americans represent a disproportionate number of the people in our prisons. Sure, some unarmed 18 year old was shot by a police officer. But honestly, how does all this stuff compare to the sheer horror our community has experienced by having our hopes and dreams of a sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire dashed in such a cruel way?”

As cries of “It’s time to stop the looting and start shooting a remake of Hook” fill the streets, a terror has begun to grip the people of Missouri, punctuated by the question filling the mind of every American…

“When will it end?”

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Incantation to Release “Backwards To Golgotha”; Entire First Album Played in Reverse

incantationIn order to commemorate the 22nd anniversary of Incantation’s seminal metal classic “Onwards To Golgotha”, the band plans to release the album entirely in reverse. This new take on an old classic gives the band an opportunity to capitalize on the recent trend of metal bands milking every remaining cent out of metal’s defiled carcass.

“Live albums, remastered album, rerecording old material…all that stuff has been done to death. Manowar has released albums where they rerecord rerecordings of recordings of old Manowar songs. Mustaine wants to charge the public 15 bucks to hear the bass a bit higher on Rust in Peace. At least we are giving the fans something that sounds relatively new,” said the band’s current bass player on the condition of anonymity.

“Then again, it’s a poorly produced death metal album. Who can really tell the difference if it’s playing backwards or forwards?”

Meanwhile, several bands have also gotten into the sucking blood from a stone business.  Metallica plans to rerelease “The Black Album” in the fall with a trained chimpanzee playing drums. Testament is currently in the planning stages of a new version of “The New Order” with Chuck Billy singing after inhaling helium from a balloon. Slayer is in talks to put out “Reign in Blood 2.0”, a recording where all Kerry King’s solos will be replaced by a chainsaw cutting through a series of oak trees.

In an attempt to reclaim their role as genre defining innovators, Incantation plans to follow this remake by moving away from their death metal roots.  The band is in the process of creating a musical comedy called “A Funny Thing Happened on The Way To Golgotha” about the crucifixion of Christ. Several of the musical numbers, including one featuring Jesus and a Rockettes style line of people being crucified, have already been completed.   Singer and guitarist John McEntee, who bares an uncanny resemblance to Jesus, plans on playing the lead in the show.

“The integration of Stephen Sondheim style songs and showmanship should hopefully put the last nail in the coffin of heavy metal,” said McEntee in a fictional interview conducted at his home last Friday.

“I mean, folks…it’s over. Go home. Metal is in the final death spiral. We are the Roman Empire besieged by hipster Visigoths. In 10 years you’ll be spending a thousand bucks to travel to Wacken to see Attack! Attack! headline. And it’ll still be better than watching Ozzy get wheeled out on stage to screw up War Pigs for the 8 millionth time.”

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Utter Chaos: New Heavy Metal Words For 2015


Language is an incomplete, ever-evolving method of communication. Few people realize, for example, that in Japanese there is no word for “goreslam”.

There are thousands of situations that there simply are not words for. Rich Hall noticed this in the early 1980’s and addressed it with a brilliant comedic bit called “Sniglets” where he attempted to create words for experiences that had yet to be named.

Heavy metal fans are often faced with events, circumstances and personality types that have yet to be named and, therefore, remain in a strange limbo between the tip of a person’s tongue and reality.

Here are a few terms that should help you identify things you’ve seen but can’t properly express…

Botulizing The Necronomicon-The habit shared by many death metal bands of improperly using medical textbook terminology and mixing it with satanic themes in order to sound both intelligent and sinister

Cairomaniac-A lyricist who writes song lyrics exclusively about Ancient Egypt (ex. See Karl Sanders, also Karl Sanders)

Dialectic Unrealism-The act of arguing that people should pay for albums when they can illegally download them for free

Disciples of the Swatch-People who mix ridiculous 1980’s fashion trends with heavy metal tee shirts (ex. Mixing Flashdance leg warmers, pink neon sunglasses and an Iron Maiden “Killers” tee-shirt)

Eight-Trackers-People who believe that metal albums sound better in a lower quality format

Finntrolling-When someone won’t stop sending you links to novelty metal bands that make them laugh but annoy you

Hellowhining-Complaining about falsetto vocals in power metal songs

Iron Maven-Any person who claims Iron Maiden got worse after Paul Di’Anno left

Lulufying-An album that seems so terrible in concept that you can’t imagine listening to it (ex. Morbid Angel’s follow-up to Illud, in which they plan on mixing death metal with yacht rock, could be the most lulufying record of the year)

Maidenflation-The bizarre phenomena in which a metal record, no matter how weak it is, improves in people’s eyes as it ages

Merzbowing Out-Risking life and limb by running to flip to the next song when the one 52 minute noise song you have comes up on random

National Socialist Anxiety Disorder-Fear that skinheads will stab or strangle you in a mosh pit

Norse Code-References to obscure Scandinavian mythological figures in black metal songs

Oldbangery-Claiming to have seen bands like Venom and Iron Maiden minutes after their careers began in a club with 5 other people

Queenswrong-When a band attempts to create something that sounds similar to Queensryche’s “Operation Mindcrime” and instead make boring, yuppie metal records (see the last 3 Geoff Tate Queensryche albums)

(See also: Righting A Queenswrong-Kicking a singer out of a band because he draws to much attention away from the actual music)

Scamburglary-Shoplifting a Scatterbrain album

Slambologist-Someone who can discuss, in detail, the difference between the first two Suffocation albums

Slamborghini-A beat-up, broken down car that has a series of heavy metal bumper stickers strewn haphazardly on the back

Vikermaniac-A person, who cannot stop mentioning to anyone who will pay the slightest bit of attention, the details of Varg’s murder of Euronymous

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Green Hell


This year’s winner of the annual Tyranny of Tradition Wookies vs. Vampires writing contest is long time Tyramaniac John Nelson.  He will be awarded 50,000 cases of turtle wax and a 3 night stay on the planet of Endor.  

And now, without further adieu, we proudly present “Green Hell”…


“We go out tomorrow,” said Isshorevge, gazing at a yellow jungle flower on the viewscreen.


“Fool!” hissed Grozmapia, “We know nothing of what is out there. Do you not find it odd that no animal larger than your fist lives on land?”


“No more odd than a planet filled with wroshyr trees more massive than any found on Kasshyyk. We go out tomorrow,” said Isshorevge, never turning his eyes from the sunset lit flower and its red seed pod. Grozmapia knew better than to argue with the Madclaw and left him to join the other three wookies preparing for sleep.


Isshorevge daydreamed of what they would build on this watery world with its narrow, jungle continents, out of place trees, and ancient ruins. This world would be a restart for the several hundreds of wookiees in the orbiting starship, unmarred by the hypocrisies, failures, and enslavements of Kashyyyk.


The large, brown wookiee traced the image of the flower with a retractable claw. A small creature arrived on the screen, working its tongue in anticipation of a gorge of nectar, as it scuttled into the flower. Once in, the petals closed over the tiny animal. A brief struggle followed, then no movement save for the creature’s rapid, tiny breaths visible through the petals. Isshorevge turned from the screen to look at his crew, then sat down for the first watch.


At sunrise, the five suited up and debarked. Their landing site was a causeway formed from two united branches between wroshyr trees. Scans reported no lethal pathogens, but an attempt to breathe the air was still under debate.


“We will not live in suits, Grozmapia,” said Isshorevge. “I have trusted our machines to fling us across the stars to this system in the extreme rim of the galaxy. You are our scientist! Have you grown superstitious?”


“No, but I will not let ambition replace intelligent caution,” she replied. “Perhaps you should pick someone expendable to remove their helmet.”


Isshorevge almost suggested Grozmapia have the honor, when the youngster, Kallakazaa, removed his helmet. He huffed and sat on the edge of the branch span, apparently not dead. After some exploring, collecting, and speculations on what the forest floor held, the wookiees returned to the ship. Kallakazaa stayed in the airlock, but a cot and double rations of cloned meat were provided for his comfort.


A storm rolled in that night, rocking the giant trees and threatening to fling their small craft. Isshorevge decided the larger ship would not survive the trees, despite the sturdy branches. They flew to the northern ruins as heavy weather encroached again. The jungle shrouded most of the grey complex save for one exposed building. After a near miss due to the rain and fog, they landed on the stone roof.


Because of his exposure, Isshorevge sent Kallakazaa out with a seismic slug to test for stability. He returned successful and so was allowed in from the airlock, though Grozmapia insisted he remain suited. Their pilot, Saltatha, did the clearing work, blasting the dangling limbs as she hovered the ship.


The mother ship landed without incident. The exiled wookiees discussed their plans and fantasies for the new world. Late in the night, a vicious storm pummeled the ship causing it to reverberate in an endless drone. Few slept well–they had grown accustomed to the intense quiet of space on their long trip.


Unexpectedly, the ship was moving, pitching down and forward as the back end caught for a moment and the ship tumbled. Wookies slammed against the ceiling, along with unstowed gear and, after too many seconds, hit the floor hard. A few interminable seconds of near silence passed before the wookies began wailing, weeping, and barking the names loved-ones. Many lay unmoving.


Isshorevge recovered from his initial jolt. A soldier and renegade, he cared little about the suffering of others or himself. For several minutes he roared orders, getting the triage started and all many able bodies working. Keeping them occupied might keep them from tearing him apart.


He grabbed an uninjured male and grunted for him to follow. Isshorevge then moved to the armory, unlocked one of the caches of blasters, and selected two. He handed one to his accomplice then grabbed some lights.


“Let’s go see what the damage is. Liaklanna, right?” said Isshorevge.


The young wookiee nodded, still a bit stunned. Together they left through an airlock on the port side of the ship. The ship was inside the ruin. Far above them rain filtered down through the ragged ceiling hole. There had once been many floors, but they had collapsed leaving nothing but a shell. Airborne masonry dust blocked their lights from penetrating far into the darkness.


The ship was not bad off, save for the collapsed landing gear, an easy repair. A rattle from the other side of the ship cut their inspection short. They brought their blasters to bear and rounded the front of the ship, almost running into the source of the noise. A small sea of standing skeletons, the risen forms of some vanished race, stretched from the gloom.


They fired, Isshorevge’s aim a little truer than Liaklanna’s. It did little good. The skeletons did not miss a limb or a head and kept advancing. Stray blaster bolts revealed more figures standing just out of reach as well as hints of some large beast pacing behind them.


“Get to the ship!” shouted Isshorevge, though he knew it was beyond hope. The horde lurched to within arm’s reach of the wookiees. Isshorevge swung wide with his blaster, bludgeoning apart two skeletons at once. Liaklanna tried to bolt for the other side of the ship but a swarm of bony foes dragged him down and pinned him to the ground. Isshorevge fought with blaster butt, claws and teeth in a vain effort to fend off the mass, but the skeletons overwhelmed him. He hoped his bellows had warned those still inside the ship as cold, bony hands gripped his limbs like iron bands and twisted him into a kneeling position on the rubble.


During the brief pause, Isshorevge looked into the shadows on the edge of the building and saw a lone figure emerge. It was humanoid, tall, pale and lithe and seemed to glide over the crumbled floor. Two points of hellfire served as its eyes. The creature gestured as it strode behind the wookiee. A skeleton grabbed a handful of the wookiee’s hair and pulled his head back and sideways. As he felt the burning pain radiating from his neck, he heard the screams from the ship.

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