Posts Tagged Mystikal

Danzig To Record Elvis Presley Cover Album

Danzig Old and Ugly

Heavy metal legend Glenn Danzig is currently working on an album of covers of classic Elvis Presley songs. Danzig, who is referred to by many as Black Elvis both for his dark, Elvis-like voice and his love of New York City Hip Hop icon “Kool Keith” Thornton, has been planning to do an album in homage to the King of Rock and Roll for many years. In 2015, the album will become a reality.

Danzig, who began his singing career at age 12 as an Elvis out front of a Shoprite supermarket in Lodi, New Jersey, has modeled much of his look, attitude and trademark lip curl after Elvis. He even considered wearing a tight-fitting sequin jumpsuit during a concert in Toledo, Ohio in 1993 in tribute to his idol, but was forced to change back into a mesh shirt and black jeans by local officials who were concerned about the “hypnotizing, potentially mind-altering effect of his protruding pectoral muscles” on women in attendance.

Danzig (Aged 12) Meeting President Richard Nixon in 1971

Danzig (Age 12) Meeting President Richard Nixon in 1971

There are literally thousands of Elvis cover albums out, but Danzig plans to cover many of the lesser-known songs by the legendary crooner. “Everyone does “Suspicious Minds” and “Jailhouse Rock”. Glenn wanted to reflect a larger body of the King’s work,” said Danzig spokesman Larry Wainwright.

Danzig plans to re-record “It Ain’t My Fault”, a B-side of the single “Hound Dog”. That song was later popularized in the late 1990s by hip-hop legends Silkk The Shocker and Mystikal. He also has created a medley of “Whomp! There It Is!/Dayzee Dukes/C’mon ‘N Ride It (Da Train)”, recorded in 1974 on The King’s oft-forgotten “Shake Dat Thang, Heffa” album.

A rumor that Sunn O))), Slash and Linda Ronstadt would be joining him for a stirring rendition of “Lawdy Miss Clawdy” has been confirmed by several anonymous sources close to Danzig. A collaboration between Danzig, Cat Stevens, Doyle Von Frankenstein, Julie Andrews, Suffocation and Jimmie “JJ” Walker, star of the 1970’s television show “Good Times”, on the song “I Forgot To Remember To Forget” is also being considered.

Reports are sketchy on what other songs might be covered, but several websites have speculated that Elvis songs like “Breadfan”, “Stone Cold Crazy” and “Die Die My Darling” will be on the record.

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Incantation to Release “Backwards To Golgotha”; Entire First Album Played in Reverse

incantationIn order to commemorate the 22nd anniversary of Incantation’s seminal metal classic “Onwards To Golgotha”, the band plans to release the album entirely in reverse. This new take on an old classic gives the band an opportunity to capitalize on the recent trend of metal bands milking every remaining cent out of metal’s defiled carcass.

“Live albums, remastered album, rerecording old material…all that stuff has been done to death. Manowar has released albums where they rerecord rerecordings of recordings of old Manowar songs. Mustaine wants to charge the public 15 bucks to hear the bass a bit higher on Rust in Peace. At least we are giving the fans something that sounds relatively new,” said the band’s current bass player on the condition of anonymity.

“Then again, it’s a poorly produced death metal album. Who can really tell the difference if it’s playing backwards or forwards?”

Meanwhile, several bands have also gotten into the sucking blood from a stone business.  Metallica plans to rerelease “The Black Album” in the fall with a trained chimpanzee playing drums. Testament is currently in the planning stages of a new version of “The New Order” with Chuck Billy singing after inhaling helium from a balloon. Slayer is in talks to put out “Reign in Blood 2.0”, a recording where all Kerry King’s solos will be replaced by a chainsaw cutting through a series of oak trees.

In an attempt to reclaim their role as genre defining innovators, Incantation plans to follow this remake by moving away from their death metal roots.  The band is in the process of creating a musical comedy called “A Funny Thing Happened on The Way To Golgotha” about the crucifixion of Christ. Several of the musical numbers, including one featuring Jesus and a Rockettes style line of people being crucified, have already been completed.   Singer and guitarist John McEntee, who bares an uncanny resemblance to Jesus, plans on playing the lead in the show.

“The integration of Stephen Sondheim style songs and showmanship should hopefully put the last nail in the coffin of heavy metal,” said McEntee in a fictional interview conducted at his home last Friday.

“I mean, folks…it’s over. Go home. Metal is in the final death spiral. We are the Roman Empire besieged by hipster Visigoths. In 10 years you’ll be spending a thousand bucks to travel to Wacken to see Attack! Attack! headline. And it’ll still be better than watching Ozzy get wheeled out on stage to screw up War Pigs for the 8 millionth time.”

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Highlights From Albert Einstein’s Address to Congress On March 21, 1937

Einstein Moments Before His Speech

Einstein Moments Before His Speech

Many people remember Albert Einstein as the father of modern zoology, the inventor of the Kangol hat and the guy who posed for all of those Apple ads, but he was so much more.  He invented the Theory of Relativity, which outlawed marriage between a brother and sister, and came up with a formula for a diet soft drink so tasty it could not be distinguished from a regular cola.  He inspired many great leaders, including fight promoter Don King, who borrowed his trademark hairstyle as homage to the fallen scientist.

Einstein made many speeches.  Often, they were in front of audiences, but he was also extremely talented at communicating with animals and once did an hour-long speech on hypothetical calculus to a teary-eyed den of mountain lions on the outskirts of Inner Mongolia.  Probably Einstein’s most famous speech is the one he gave to Congress in March of 1937.  Communism, fascism and fashion trends like the jaunty mustache were on the march in Europe and China had been broken by a band of willful 6 year-olds who had gained access to the top shelf of the cabinet in the dining room.  Einstein saw what the world was becoming and issued this dire warning to the elected representatives of the people of the United States.

“My fellow Americans.  Today I come to philosophize with a hammer instead of a Bunsen burner.  My mind, weakened and tainted by the impurity of booze and fast women, is still capable of envisioning a way in which our world cane become a better world for our children.  And our children’s children.  And their children.  Along with their great grandchildren.  And the children who emerge from the wombs of those children.  On and on south of heaven.”

“Where was I?  Ah… A man becomes preeminent; he is expected to have enthusiasms. (Pause)  Enthusiasms (Longer pause) Enthusiasms.  (Really long pause) What are mine?  What draws my admiration?  What is that which brings me joy?  (Pulls out a baseball bat and holds it over his head)  Socialism!    Godless, freedom killing, spirit destroying, human-bondage creating, wealth redistributing, nation wrecking, mind-erasing socialism.  I dream every night of dragging the rich landowners into the street and stomping their faces into hamburger.  But all this is not important.  Today, I am here to talk about peace.”

“Many people have predicted that World War III would be really bad.  Terrible.  Awful.  I mean, really bad.  As a really, extremely smart person, I want to be clear that I too agree that war would cause both death and destruction.  Because I am smart, I am able to go into a laboratory and build a portal into the future.  I have done this.  I have seen things.  Bad things.  Bats eating the gizzards of children.  Children feeding children to other children.  And why?  War!  War, ladies and gentlemen…what is it good for?  Absolutely nothing.  Say it again y’all!” (Members of Congress shout “Good God” in unison)

“As I emerged from the portal, a giant talking eagle perched on my shoulder and whispered into my ear.  Eagles are wise birds.  They are the only animal in nature besides man that are capable of taking vast fields of energy, converting them into laser form and using them to melt the faces of their rivals.  This wise old bird told me something I’ll never forget.  Here is what he said…

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.  And I know not what weapons World War IV will be fought with, but chances are after the whole destruction of society bit plays itself out, humans will be able to once again be able to rearm and create shiny new weapons of doom in order to fight World War V.”

“And I know not what weapons World War V will be fought with, but I’m assuming at this point, for World War VI, humans would be advanced enough to create giant clouds of ice that would rain flesh severing hail on all the cities of the people they hate the most.  And if World War VI be fought that way, World War VII probably will be fought by cybernetic beings capable of flaying the flesh off of an entire nation with the blink of an eye.”

“And if World War VIII is fought that way, aliens will probably come into the picture for World War IX because earth is the only planet remaining in the universe that has water, an element vital in the creation of alien hover boards and automated Chinese food buffets.  And World War X will probably be fought in space by planet-sized computers.”

“This will lead to World Wars XI though XVI, which will use technology that is so advanced my eagle brain and mouth are not capable of articulating what will happen.  But, seriously…it will be awful.  Not kidding.”

“World War XVII will actually be a period of 1000 years of peace intended to cause great suffering among the billions of people who seem to rejoice at killing billions of other people.  Then, the great peace will be broken by World War XVIII, a reenactment of World War VII performed by a group of talented actors in the foothills of North Carolina.  It will initially be meant to entertain survivalists and other fans of war, but it will morph into a 10 yearlong brutal, barbaric struggle control of a picture of actor Henry Winkler.”  

“World War IXX will be fought from flying cars equipped with Gatling guns.  World War XX, The Platinum Anniversary War, will be the war to end all wars because Romans only came up with numbers up to twenty.”

“And this is why I, as probably the smartest person you will ever come in contact, with urge you to stop making other people die.  Because even if they are complete idiots, they can still recognize both pain and the absence of being alive.   And no one deserves that.  Even Germans.”

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Emperor Reuniting to Record Twerkcore Versions of Classic Songs

Emperor in 1994

Emperor in 1994

Emperor Today

Emperor Today

It’s the reunion album that every black metal fan has been waiting for since 2001.  Emperor was a band that forever changed the landscape of heavy metal music with their raw, earthy production, crushing riffs and high-pitched, guttural caterwauling.   Now, they are back to reinvent the genre that they helped to create.

In a press released issued this morning from their mountain chateau outside of Trondheim, the band announced plans to release “Anthemz 2 Dat Welkin at Dusk”.  The album, which is expected to come out late next year, will blend demonic black metal with the high energy, repetitious, vapid mainstream hip-hop that so many Americans have grown to love.

The album will feature several re-recordings of earlier classic hits including “I Iz Dat Blak Wizardz” and “Dus Spoke Dem Nightspiritz”.  Emperor also plans to cover “Whistle While U Twurk” by the Ying Yang Twins and “Donkey Butt” by 12 Gauge.  Guests on the album will include Rick Ross, Silkk The Shocker, Mystikal and Dhavie Vanity from Blood on The Dance Floor.

The album will be produced by hip hop legend Luther Campbell, best known for his work in legendary group 2 Live Crew and winning the Nobel Peace Prize in 1998 for his 90 day hunger strike to protest Myanmar’s imprisonment of political dissident Aung San Suu Kyi.  When asked what this new record is going to sound like, Campbell commented “imagine Emperor made a party album in The Dirty South back in 1991.  Think goths in bikinis shakin’ that thang.”

Many metalheads are excited about the band taking risks and doing something unique.  Heavy metal fans are a tolerant bunch of people extremely supportive of their favorite bands when they take a new approach to their music, as was the case when Morbid Angel released their 2011 smash hit album “Illud Divinum Insanus”.

Still, there are a few Emperor fans that have expressed confusion and disappointment at the new direction of the band.  Lead singer ‘Lil Ihsahn was quick to defend the band’s sonic experimentation.  “Peeps be like, why you not keepin’ it real? Yung Samoth and me just be like, we just tryin’ to get folks crunk.  Get dat party started.  Ya know?”

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