Archive for July, 2014
An unInterview With King Diamond That Never Happened
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on July 22, 2014
(editors note: At no time during this unInterview did I unInterview King Diamond. As far as I’m aware, he has no idea this unInterview has taken place. Even if he did, I’m guessing that since he is in his early 90’s, his memory is starting to blur. He would probably either not remember it had it taken place or thought he was talking to Abraham Lincoln)
I did not get a chance to talk to with King Diamond recently. We were not on his tour bus before the concert talking for an hour and a half while he was putting his makeup on. He did not have me come up on stage and sing the chorus of “Tea” with him. After the show, King Diamond and I did not go to a 24-hour Denny’s together and get Moons Over My Hammys. He did not call me later in the week to play racquetball.
Tyranny: Let’s get this straight, Kim. As far as I am aware, America is not a monarchy. Therefore, I will not be referring to you as King at any point during this unInterview. We are both grown men. I’m not going to play the make believe game with you where you pretend to be this dark ghoulish satanic overlord and I pretend to be your frightened minion.
I will be referring to you by your birth name, Kim, throughout the duration of this unInterview. That okay with you, your highness?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: DO…YOU…NEED…ME…..TO…TALK……LOUDER!!!!
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: Kim, I wanted to ask you about the whole being short thing. I read somewhere you are a wee little fella. About 5’4 it said. I heard you used to model for trophies. And that you used to play handball against a curb. And that you can hang glide on a Dorito.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: When you choose what musicians are going to play with you on a tour, is height a factor? Let’s say, for example, you were to have had the late Peter Steele play bass live with you. He was 6 foot 6. You would have looked like a little marionette next to him. Or like a tiny, painted Chihuahua.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: Kim is a girl’s name, isn’t it? Were your parents trying to do some sort of Johnny Cash “A Boy Named Sue” thing to toughen you up?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: What’s with your voice anyway? You sound like an angry Muppet.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: You seem like a pretty bright guy. Do you ever look back on your life and think that you could have been a doctor or a lawyer instead of a grown man running around a stage in a Halloween costume?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: In an earlier article I said some pretty insulting stuff about your age. I want to take a moment to apologize for that. As a gesture of goodwill, I want to offer you this tube of Fixodent and a coupon for the early bird special at the local Sizzler.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: Back to the height thing for a minute. When your band mates are angry with you, do they put your skulls, candles and fingerless leather gloves on high shelves so you can’t reach them without getting a phonebook or a chair?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: I heard you kicked your bassist Hal Patino off the tour because he threatened to leave you in the bathtub with the water running.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: If Satan were real, don’t you think he’d be embarrassed by the silly way you are representing him?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: Don’t cop an attitude with me. What are you going to do? Put some voodoo spell on me? Bury a human head in a graveyard with a lima bean in its mouth in order to have locust descend on my home? I’m about a foot taller than you. I’ll take your copy of the Necronomicon and force you to eat it page by page. I’ll smack the paint off your face, son.
Oh…c’mon! Where you goin’? What’s a matter with you?!?! I was only kidding!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAAAAYERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Keith Spillett in Totally Useless Information on July 15, 2014
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAYERRR!!!!
SLAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
SLAYERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
(slayer?)…….SLAYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR.
slaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYER!
SLAYERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYER
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
S
L
A
Y
E
R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Or…………..Public Discourse In The 21st Century)
Report: Varg Vikernes To Join Israeli Army
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on July 10, 2014
Varg Vikernes fighting to protect the Jewish homeland of Israel? Impossible, some would say. Yet according to a source believed to be Vikernes himself, he plans to do just that.
After years of veiled Holocaust denial and general disdain for Jews, Varg has come full circle and embraced the state of Israel. According to a quote on a message board called “Odinists For Israel”, VargVikernes88 declared “For years, I have thought the state of Israel was a disgrace. Then, I thought about it and realized that I have more in common with them then most so-called Nordic peoples.”
“After all, what group better epitomizes the term “Blood and Soil” more than the Israelis? Kibbutzes, segregation and violence against groups that “threaten” their homeland and way of life. Sign me up!”
Some speculated that the quote wasn’t actually from Varg, but from one of the thousands of Varg impersonators that inhabit the Internet. However, the avatar used by VargVikernes88 was, in fact, a picture of Varg, proving beyond a shadow of doubt that Vikernes was responsible for the posts.
In a post only hours later, VargVikernes88 clarified his earlier remarks by stating “Look, I still find people from other races disgusting and all. But, you gotta admit, the whole Chosen People thing comes awful close to holding yourselves above other races just like a true Odinist would.”
“Allowing valiant warriors who are not afraid to commit war crimes like Ariel Sharon to become leader of the nation. Taking ownership of land and displacing an entire people based on some ancient historical claim!!! What Odinist wouldn’t be deeply moved by these actions?”
“I wish our people were clever enough to imprison an entire group and shell civilian neighborhoods with rockets in order to eliminate enemies in the name of counter terrorism. But we have lost our nerve.”
“The best part is, Israel constantly trumpets its record of democracy for Israelis, all the while limiting the rights of Palestinians. Democratic Fascism! Only a great people could think of such an ingenious way to get away with anything they want.”
“I plan to immigrate there immediately and join in their struggle. Perhaps then I will get a chance to kill more innocent people.”
While only months earlier the French government fined Vikernes for making racist claims on several Internet sites, today they too have come full circle. The French government has decided to award Vikernes “The Charles de Gaulle Medal of Tolerance” reserved for people who strive to support the persecuted around the world.
According to French spokesman, Colonel Jean Mathieu, Varg’s turnaround is “an inspirational story that should prove that any racist can change their lives and become more tolerant as long as they find the right people to oppress.”