Archive for January, 2016

Phil Anselmo Apologizes For Remarks In Full Klan Outfit

12596768_1003196013054850_1563109694_o

With his voice slightly muffled by his white linen mask, former Pantera singer Phil Anselmo apologized for his offensive remarks while wearing a Ku Klux Klan robe and peaked hood.

“I don’t hate anyone more than I hate anyone else,” said the embattled racist as he pulled aside the mask, “I think people are equally worthless, especially the non-white ones.”

Anselmo then winced and started pounding on his own head with his fist while angrily muttering, “No, goddammit! Stupid, stupid stupid!”

After composing himself, the famously intolerant singer continued, “what I said about white power on stage last weekend was a joke and nothing more, just like the idea of racial equality.”

At this point, the icon for everything wrong in heavy metal began to bite down on his bottom lip, eliciting a trickle of blood which ran down his chin. Sweat began to form across his forehead as he stuttered, “I am not a man of hate. Hate has nothing to do with who I am. Just heritage. Yes. Heritage. That’s what matters to me.”

After taking a few deep breaths, the man who once ranted about white pride for ten minutes in the middle of a Pantera concert looked squarely at the camera, shrugged and said, “And that’s all I got to say on the matter. Sieg… uh… sieg ya later.”

Anselmo then somberly turned to the large wooden cross erected behind him and set it ablaze.

14 Comments

Bowie Knife To Be Renamed Bowie Knife In Honor of Dead Musician

12557846_994093173965134_1792395049_o

Fans of art-rocker David Bowie rejoiced as the Daughters of the Republic of Texas announced that the famed Bowie knife would be renamed the Bowie knife in honor of the recently departed British musician.

DRT President Madeline Crockett held a press conference today in San Antonio at the entrance to the Alamo, which is where the original knife remains on display. “David Bowie was beloved by millions of people around the globe,” she said, “and even though he wasn’t a Texan, we felt it was important to commemorate his passing in a meaningful way”.

The famous blade was named for its creator Jim Bowie, who used it in several instances of combat, most notably in defending the Alamo in 1836 against the Mexican army in a bid to maintain Texas independence. Bowie died in the conflict alongside other notable figures, including William B. Travis and the renowned Davy Crockett. The Battle of the Alamo was a pivotal event in the Texas Revolution, and the efforts of Commander Bowie and his men allowed Texas to become a republic and eventually be incorporated in the United States as it is known today.

“With its new name, the Bowie knife will begin a new era of recognition,” continued Ms. Crockett, “and when future generations look upon it, they will think of an androgynous British man who wrote songs about dancing, Asian women, and gay astronauts.”

At press time, the DRT has announced additional plans to rededicate the cenotaph in front of the Alamo to Ozzy Osbourne.

Leave a comment

Researchers Claim A Glass of The Heavy Metals A Day Is Like Going To The Gym For Nine Hours

iWzpO

Researchers at the Jeff Hanneman Institute For Heavy Metal Studies in Ragnarok, West Virginia have made a startling discovery. And guess what? Heavy Metal!

That’s right! Just one cup of The Heavy Metals a day is the equivalent of going to the gym for nine hours. Or wrestling a baby otter. Or walking on the intestinal tract of your Aunt Peggy. Or Alaska. Or butter. Or dressing up as Jeffrey Dahmer and inviting your neighbors over for dinner. Or learning archery. Or eating forty pounds of asbestos out of the head of a unicorn. Or beating Steve Harvey to death with the word “manbun”. Or lice!

And that’s not all! The Heavy Metals is light, portable and belongs inside the stomach of a walrus.   Some The Heavy Metals have been known to increase your metabolism as much as 75 parsecs. Power metal, for example, allowed one woman in Brighton Beach, New York to lose 750 pounds in one hour.

iWzpO

Other of The Heavy Metals can be dangerous. Perhaps even experimental. Doom metal, or sludge metal as doom metal bands call it, can cause hardening of the arteries in lab rats. Which is why it is critical to stay out of the arteries of lab rats when drinking doom metal. But, if you have had too much doom metal, it is critical that you do not consume an automobile. Most accidents take place within three blocks of the elephant. So, arrive alive, don’t Doom and Drive.

Meanwhile, researchers in some town I can’t spell in Connecticut have discovered that a diet filled with Omega-7 Grindcore is critical for inter-dimensional travel. And that’s not all! Twelve servings of grindcore an hour (roughly 100,000 songs) is found to contain enough vitamin Q-9 to fill half of the Grand Canyon with lettuce flavored Jell-O.

iWzpO

Also, researchers have found that you are going to die. Not some fictive version of you that you’ve created in your mind out of characters on television and in movies, but the real thing. You can drink all The Heavy Metals you want and God won’t save you. Or his son either. Neither really care about your existential state or they would have been much more clear about how to handle it. They would have issued you a book of directions that was more helpful than a bunch of stories about bald guys having 42 children killed by bears (2 Kings 2:23) or talking donkeys (Numbers 22:28). I don’t need your metaphors, Lord, I need an ending for this article.

But you won’t find one here! The Heavy Metals have deducted my reason. I ate 10 million The Heavy Metals and all I got was this lousy mountain.

I have seen the enemy and it is THEM. I have seen the future and it is THEM. It’s all on tilt. We need Trump.

, , , , , , , ,

4 Comments

Montana Metal Militia Take Over Federal Building Demanding Release of New Necrophagist Album

 

texas_hippie_coalition-630x372

Montana Metal Militia Founder Clyde Wayne Gacy and His Followers Minutes Before The Takeover

Days after a group of armed protestors took over a wildlife refuge in Oregon, an armed group of “five heavy metal warriors united for the liberation of America” known as The Montana Metal Militia walked into the Evel Knievel Center for Wildlife and Motorcycle Safety in Butte, forced the lone employee to leave and told authorities they would not allow anyone in or out of the building until tech-death legends Necrophagist release a new album.

The Montana Metal Militia is a group that, according to their website, seeks to “free America from the tyrannical grip of socialism and hip hop”. They are not to be confused with the smaller, lesser-known Montana Metal Mulisha, who have advocated violent revolution against the “Marxist hegemony of Obama, Rosie O’Donnell and Kanye West.”

The Metal Militia’s leader Clyde Wayne Gacy told police that he and his followers would not leave the building until Necrophagist gets back in the studio and records a minimum of 45 minutes of music. In a fiery speech in front of the Wildlife building, Gacy shouted through his megaphone “it’s time for all Americans to stand up against injustice. Because if you are not standing up against injustice, you are sitting down! And sitting down is wrong!”

 

hqdefault

Gacy In An Exclusive Interview With KERF Reporter Sabrina Erdley

In a brief interview with local television station KERF, Gacy maintained that what his group was doing was no different than what the Founding Fathers did.

“Look…we’ve written letters to Necrophagist. We’ve sent emails. We’ve gone to their homes in the middle of the night banging on their doors. We’ve threatened the lives of their family members and those close to them. Still…nothing since 2004! If the Founding Fathers hadn’t stood for what was right we’d still be drinking tea at four in the afternoon and paying taxes to an unresponsive, disinterested government that doesn’t represent us. Bottom line…we want a new Necrophagist album now or we ain’t leaving!!!”

207_photo

12 Years And Counting…No Album!

According to a memo sent out by the group’s legal expert Bronco Gein, a law student in his first semester at Flathead Valley Community College, the band’s refusal to release a new album is not only bad for the metal community and America as a whole but it is also unconstitutional.

“If you read the 10th Amendment to the Constitution, it clearly states that ‘The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people’ This means ‘we the people’ have the power to do whatever we need to do until we get what we want.  If that means violence, well hell, let’s roll.”

, , , ,

23 Comments

%d bloggers like this: