Archive for January, 2016
Posted by birthad1 in Really Brilliant Things You Should Read But Probably Won't Because You Are A Pantera Fan on January 29, 2016
With his voice slightly muffled by his white linen mask, former Pantera singer Phil Anselmo apologized for his offensive remarks while wearing a Ku Klux Klan robe and peaked hood.
“I don’t hate anyone more than I hate anyone else,” said the embattled racist as he pulled aside the mask, “I think people are equally worthless, especially the non-white ones.”
Anselmo then winced and started pounding on his own head with his fist while angrily muttering, “No, goddammit! Stupid, stupid stupid!”
After composing himself, the famously intolerant singer continued, “what I said about white power on stage last weekend was a joke and nothing more, just like the idea of racial equality.”
At this point, the icon for everything wrong in heavy metal began to bite down on his bottom lip, eliciting a trickle of blood which ran down his chin. Sweat began to form across his forehead as he stuttered, “I am not a man of hate. Hate has nothing to do with who I am. Just heritage. Yes. Heritage. That’s what matters to me.”
After taking a few deep breaths, the man who once ranted about white pride for ten minutes in the middle of a Pantera concert looked squarely at the camera, shrugged and said, “And that’s all I got to say on the matter. Sieg… uh… sieg ya later.”
Anselmo then somberly turned to the large wooden cross erected behind him and set it ablaze.
Fans of art-rocker David Bowie rejoiced as the Daughters of the Republic of Texas announced that the famed Bowie knife would be renamed the Bowie knife in honor of the recently departed British musician.
DRT President Madeline Crockett held a press conference today in San Antonio at the entrance to the Alamo, which is where the original knife remains on display. “David Bowie was beloved by millions of people around the globe,” she said, “and even though he wasn’t a Texan, we felt it was important to commemorate his passing in a meaningful way”.
The famous blade was named for its creator Jim Bowie, who used it in several instances of combat, most notably in defending the Alamo in 1836 against the Mexican army in a bid to maintain Texas independence. Bowie died in the conflict alongside other notable figures, including William B. Travis and the renowned Davy Crockett. The Battle of the Alamo was a pivotal event in the Texas Revolution, and the efforts of Commander Bowie and his men allowed Texas to become a republic and eventually be incorporated in the United States as it is known today.
“With its new name, the Bowie knife will begin a new era of recognition,” continued Ms. Crockett, “and when future generations look upon it, they will think of an androgynous British man who wrote songs about dancing, Asian women, and gay astronauts.”
At press time, the DRT has announced additional plans to rededicate the cenotaph in front of the Alamo to Ozzy Osbourne.