Archive for August, 2015
Trump: “We Must Build A Wall To Keep Mexican Metal Bands Like Sepultura Out of This Country!”
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on August 26, 2015
Last night in Tupelo, Mississippi, the bizarre Presidential campaign of Donald Trump took yet another strange turn. During a 3-minute press conference Trump lashed out at several of his Republican rivals, Hillary Clinton, the Boy Scouts, the Boston Red Sox bullpen, comedian Sinbad, people who read poetry, women, dentists, those who are allergic to gluten and the entire country of Ecuador.
His most vitriolic rant, however, came in the waning moments of the event, when he called for the United States to build a wall to “keep Mexican metal out of this country”. He singled out the “Mexi-metal terror rape band Sepultura” as the greatest threat to the safety of Americans since Y2K.
“I remember when I heard Roots back in 1996. It sounds like there are about 30 of them in a room mixing metal with Mexican drums and guitar. What a mess! The American taxpayer should not be forced to pay for the health care that these people will end up needing from playing on all of those dirty instruments. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want the daughters and nieces of good, upstanding Americans infected with Mexican venereal diseases and tetanus!”
Mexi-Metal…Gateway Drug To Satan Rape?
Trump became even more heated when a reporter pointed out that Sepultura were not from Mexico, but from Brazil. “I’m sick and tired of Mexicans, no matter what country they come from. Particularly when they start trying to screw up heavy metal.”
“Mexican bands like Brujeria, Soulfly, Gorod, and Sodom are killing metal right now and you people sit there like there isn’t a crisis. I don’t care if it bankrupts the United States, we need to build a wall and keep these animals out. Then, America will be great again.”
Moments after his anti-Sepultura rant a Gallup Poll showed that 69 percent of Republican voters would elect The Donald President if the election were today. That’s up 15 percentage points from when he issued his last racial slur.
Newhart Themed “…And My Other Brother Darryl” Taking Metal World By Storm
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing on August 17, 2015
Singer Joan Pleshette Talking To The Audience During a Recent Concert
A year ago, most people would have laughed at you if you proclaimed that the most popular new band in heavy metal would be a Vermont thrash outfit featuring five women dressed as Bob Newhart. Even though the possibility of a conversation like that actually taking place is roughly equivalent to the chance of the entire human race spontaneously sprouting noses on their stomachs…those people aren’t laughing now!
“…And My Other Brother Darryl” has taken the metal world by storm with crushing riffs and folksy, New England humor. Their first record “Newhart Attack” came out in 2013 and barely registered on the collective radar of music critics and fans alike. However, in January, the band released “Newhartwork” to rave reviews and huge album sales.
Many critics believe that the bands unique mixture of thrash, John Denver-ish guitar solos and hardcore (referred to by the band as “Newhartcore”) has led to their dramatic uptick in popularity. Their power ballad “While Newhart Gently Weeps” began receiving widespread airplay on both rock and pop stations in March. By May, their were reports of hundreds and thousands of people in the Midwest who dressed, looked and sounded exactly like Bob Newhart.
After headlining a small club tour last year with “Straight Outta Mypos”, a Perfect Strangers themed band where all five members dress up as Balki Bartokomous from the hit 1980s sitcom, they have moved to playing bigger arenas. Their United States tour, featuring “What’chu Talkin’ Bout Willis”, a Diff’rent Strokes themed metal band where all five members dress up like Gary Coleman’s lovable Arnold Jackson character, will be taking place throughout most of the Fall, including a 4-night sold out concert series of concerts at Madison Square Garden.
Pleshette in a Publicity Photo From Her ALF-core Band
Joan Pleshette, the band’s lead singer, has not been very surprised by the band’s overnight stardom. Before she started “…And My Other Brother Darryl” she was in a highly popular death metal band called “Cats For Breakfast” in which all five members dressed up as ALF.
According to Pleshette, “We knew that millions of Americans were waiting for a gimmick they hadn’t seen before. We also knew about the underground VHS tape smuggling rings that have helped make Bob Newhart one of the most revered people in the heavy metal community. We didn’t really have time to focus on songwriting or actually learning to play our instruments or anything like that, but we all have had experience working in advertising. In retrospect, I’m surprised more bands haven’t done the same thing.”
Former Iron Maiden Singer Paul Di’Anno To Star in Upcoming Transformers Sequel
Posted by Russell Spicer in General Weirdness on August 16, 2015
Paul Di’Anno, the 57-year-old former frontman for Iron Maiden has been cast as the lead in “Transformers 5”. This may come as a surprise to many seeing as Di’Anno has no former acting experience. The decision to replace Mark Wahlberg with Di’Anno was made when Michael Bay (director of the 4 previous Transformer films) discovered the truth about Wahlberg’s past.
Bay said in an interview this afternoon that he didn’t realize that Mark Wahlberg was actually “Marky Mark” of Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch fame. “Once I realized this, I immediately called my lawyers, I needed to drop him from the next film. I was disturbed and embarrassed to say the least.”
The Photo That Led Bay To Realize He Had Made A Huge Mistake
When asked why Di’Anno, Bay replied, “I was a huge fan of Metallica when I was younger and I figured he‘d be a good choice since he was also my favorite bassist“. When asked if he had any idea what he was talking about, Bay replied, “When’s lunch?”
Whether Bay has lost his mind or not is irrelevant. The overall response to Di’Anno’s casting has been generally well received. One fans reaction to the news was simple. “I don’t give a damn who is in the movie!”
Another simply stated. “Who is Paul Di’Anno?”
Di’Anno’s decision to become an actor came shortly after his loss to Humsy The Boxing Kangaroo early last year. Despite being KO’d by a Kangaroo and not getting his chance at fighting Momo the Giant Narwhal (the reigning MBF heavyweight champion at the time) Di’Anno was in good spirits.
This was just the beginning and shortly after that match Di‘Anno started taking acting lessons. “If I can fight a Kangaroo, I can fight an Alien Robot.” Di’Anno stated after his loss. People originally assumed he was brain damaged by that comment, but in hindsight, we can see he was lobbying to play this part for a long time.
Cullen, Pictured Here With Optimus Prime Helmet, Glad He Wasn’t Replaced With Another “Peter”
Peter Cullen (voice of Optimus Prime) was also almost replaced with Peter Boyle, but was given his job back after the studios realized Boyle was dead. Cullen gave his statement today about the casting choice. “I’ve been doing this crap for over 30 years, all I care about is getting paid.”
Transformers 5 is set to come out sometime during the summer of 2017 and will most likely be a hit regardless of who is in the lead. One studio exec anonymously stated. “The average mouthbreathing American will gladly fork over 15 dollars to see a bunch of toys killing a bunch of other toys as long as there are loud explosions. Why spend time on developing a script or hiring professional actors? The sheep want cars that turn into robots, we give them cars that turn into robots!”
(article by Tyranny of Tradition’s Cultural Editor Russell Spicer. Russell shops at PathMark)
Former Night Court Star Richard Moll Introduced As New Vocalist For Napalm Death
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on August 3, 2015
Richard Moll, the actor known to millions as the hulking but loveable 6 foot 8 bailiff on the 1980s television show Night Court, has become the new face of one of the most iconic bands in all of heavy metal. Starting in the Fall, Moll will be touring as the vocalist of legendary extreme metal outfit Napalm Death.
The news comes on the heels of the announcement by singer Barney Greenway that he’d be stepping away from the band to become the Northeast Regional Communication Director for American Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders. Greenway will rejoin the band after the election, but asked his close friend Moll to take over vocals until he’s ready to return.
Moll, who is a diehard Napalm Death fan and even worked an occasional reference to the album ‘Utopia Banished’ into several Night Court episodes, has been doing a good deal of voice acting work and playing bit parts on television since the show ended. In his free time however, he along with former Night Court stars Markie Post, Marsha Warfield and Harry Anderson, occasionally play gigs around Los Angeles in their Anthrax cover band “We Are The Law”.
The Moll fronted version of Napalm Death will be hitting North America starting in Charlotte, North Carolina in September. They plan on devoting their hour long set to playing their seminal album ‘Scum’ 17 times in a row.
The band also will be going into the studio with Moll sometime in early February. They plan on going back to their grindcore roots and releasing a 14-minute, 986-song album tentatively titled “GHRRUSTLEREEDZZZZBRRR”. It will include a 6 second rendition of Jethro Tull’s entire “Thick as a Brick” album as well as a 932 nanosecond remix of Sugarhill Gang’s epic “Rapper’s Delight”.
The Tyranny of Tradition 