Posts Tagged gorod
It was a publicity stunt after all.
The unveiling of pop megastar Rihanna’s notorious death-metal-styled logos at the 2016 MTV Video Music Awards (VMA 2016) was part of a marketing campaign by her new record label Unique Leader Records, according to a press release yesterday.
Reportedly, the aforementioned publicity stunt was just the first of a dozen promotional efforts.
Rihanna could not be reached for comment on the nature of the remaining 11 stunts. But the 28-year-old tweeted earlier today that she was pushing priests down stairways, and doing blackout poetry with murder stories from newspapers in public libraries at Fairfax County, Virginia over Labor Day Weekend.
Sources close to Rihanna confirmed that the Barbadian puppet of capitalism inked a three-record deal with Unique Leader Records, an American death metal powerhouse, sometime in mid-August. But out of fear of assassination attempts by death metal zealots at the VMA 2016, all involved parties kept the record deal under wraps as much as possible.
“I am excited to work with my greatest cardinal sin, Rihanna,” said Erik Lindmark, CEO of Unique Leader Records, in yesterday’s press release. “Long have I dreamt of working with pop music’s boldest punk chick. She had a brush with death, has an amazing voice, has a unique lyrical style, has plenty of attitude, and has… uh… great assets. There is nothing about her from head to toe that I do not like.”
Rihanna’s first full-length release via Unique Leader Records will be a tech-death reissue of her classic album from 2007, Good Girl Gone Bad (source of the immensely popular single, “Umbrella”). It is tentatively due in December.
Members of Gorod, Rings of Saturn, and Soreption have been roped in as session musicians. Jason Suecof (Atheist, The Black Dahlia Murder, Cryptopsy, Job for a Cowboy) will produce, mix, and master the record at Audiohammer Studios in Sanford, Florida.
Legendary artist Dan Seagrave has also been hired. He will give the original cover of Good Girl Gone Bad a death metal makeover “along the lines of Left Hand Path.”
In commemoration of her record deal with Unique Leader Records, Rihanna will release her first death metal single, “Knuckle Smashed Face”, in cassette and vinyl formats this October. At press time, the single’s punchy lyrics were already leaked and making rounds on social media, garnering fistfuls of attention.
Rihanna, born Robyn Rihanna Fenty, first broke into the music industry by working as a ghost songwriter for cult devil metallers Nunslaughter in the early 2000s. Shortly after her work on the satanic group’s 2003 album, Goat, she auditioned for celebrated rapper Jay Z, then-president of Def Jam Recordings, and the rest is history.
Her last album, Anti-(Chris)t, was released in early 2016 via Century Media and Peaceville Records. It was certified double platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) on May 5, becoming the first multi-platinum album of 2016.
blackout poetry, Century Media, Chris Brown, Dan Seagrave, Death Metal, death metal logo, Deeds of Flesh, Def Jam Recordings, Erik Lindmark, Good Girl Gone Bad, gorod, Hammer Smashed Face, Jason Suecof, Jay Z, Knuckle Smashed Face, Labor Day Weekend, Nunslaughter, Peaceville Records, publicity stunt, Rihanna, Rings of Saturn, Soreption, Tech death, Umbrella, Unique Leader Records, VMA 2016
Last night in Tupelo, Mississippi, the bizarre Presidential campaign of Donald Trump took yet another strange turn. During a 3-minute press conference Trump lashed out at several of his Republican rivals, Hillary Clinton, the Boy Scouts, the Boston Red Sox bullpen, comedian Sinbad, people who read poetry, women, dentists, those who are allergic to gluten and the entire country of Ecuador.
His most vitriolic rant, however, came in the waning moments of the event, when he called for the United States to build a wall to “keep Mexican metal out of this country”. He singled out the “Mexi-metal terror rape band Sepultura” as the greatest threat to the safety of Americans since Y2K.
“I remember when I heard Roots back in 1996. It sounds like there are about 30 of them in a room mixing metal with Mexican drums and guitar. What a mess! The American taxpayer should not be forced to pay for the health care that these people will end up needing from playing on all of those dirty instruments. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want the daughters and nieces of good, upstanding Americans infected with Mexican venereal diseases and tetanus!”
Trump became even more heated when a reporter pointed out that Sepultura were not from Mexico, but from Brazil. “I’m sick and tired of Mexicans, no matter what country they come from. Particularly when they start trying to screw up heavy metal.”
“Mexican bands like Brujeria, Soulfly, Gorod, and Sodom are killing metal right now and you people sit there like there isn’t a crisis. I don’t care if it bankrupts the United States, we need to build a wall and keep these animals out. Then, America will be great again.”
Moments after his anti-Sepultura rant a Gallup Poll showed that 69 percent of Republican voters would elect The Donald President if the election were today. That’s up 15 percentage points from when he issued his last racial slur.
Over the past nine years, one of the great mysteries in heavy metal has been the strange and abrupt disappearance of German tech-death pioneers Necrophagist. In 2004, they released the remarkably complex album “Epitaph” to universal acclaim. Then, at the height of their popularity, they disappeared. There were random, unconfirmed sightings of them at concerts and even a band that claimed to be them who performed several shows in Europe in the late 2000s, but the earth had seemingly swallowed up the real Necrophagist.
This morning, the mystery was solved. After hearing noises that resembled 64th notes, neighbor Charles Espejismo burst into the house next door and freed the band from their nine year captivity in the basement of a house on Euclid Avenue in downtown Cleveland. According to Espejismo, he was walking back from McDonald’s, eating a Filet of Fish sandwich when he heard noises that “resembled some of that crazy stuff that was on Gorod’s last two records.”
Concerned that a technical death metal band could have been kidnapped and held hostage in the basement of his neighbor’s house, he burst through the front door and freed Muhammad Suicmez and the rest of the band members from the dungeon that had been constructed in the basement. Suicmez had been bound, gagged and forced to play arpeggios for weeks on end with no food or water.
This is not the first violent, metal related attack in Cleveland, a city where musicians who employ progressive songwriting techniques are regularly beaten and maimed and hordes of torch-carrying, flesh-eating anti-tech death gangs control the streets at night. The Cryptopsy Cryps made news back in 2008 when they ritualistically devoured the several members of Dutch metal legends Pestilence after a show at the Agora Ballroom. The sole survivor of the attack, Pestilence vocalist Patrick Mameli, recalls that the Crips were eating members of the band and howling about how “irregular time signatures and fusion jazz have no place in metal.” Mameli hid in his guitar case for three days before Cleveland police rescued him.
Now that Necrophagist is free, they are hard at work on a new record. They plan to spend the next five years tuning their instruments in order to ready themselves to begin the long, arduous process of songwriting. After that, they have secured ten years worth of studio time in order to allow Suicmez to work on the solo for the first song. Finally, the band will start recording, a process that should take upwards of 25 years. The band has assured its fans that they will have something out by 2057 or 2132 at the absolute latest.
Agora Theatre and Ballroom, cannibalism, Charles Ramsey, Cleveland, Crips, Euclid Avenue, fusion jazz, gorod, irregular time signatures, Necrophagist, Necrophagist New Album, Patrick Mameli, Pestilence, techincal death metal
Fellow Deranged Wanderers
- 5,321,099 lives ruined
- Ozzy Checks Into Rehabilitation Center For Addiction To Marzipan
- Wormrot Still “Worst Funeral Drone Doom Band”
- How Jaded Reviewers See Metal Reviews
- Rihanna Signs with Unique Leader Records
- Donald Trump Revealed To Be First Cro-Mags Singer
- Fleshgod Apocalypse Drummer Passes Turing Test
- Abbath Comes Out
- Pokémon GO: Jamey Jasta Caught in Florida for Trespassing
- Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing
- Basketball Coaching Nonsense
- BlaK Dan's Theatre of Cruelty
- Blithering Sports Fan Prattle
- Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers
- Existential Rambings
- General Weirdness
- Health Tips for An Early Death
- HEAVY METAL MUST BE DESTROYED
- Here's Why I Dislike You So Much
- King Diamond For President in 2012
- Mr. Spillett's Academy Of Film Study For The Mentally Tormented
- Notes on Carcass Heartwork
- Parenting Tips For Those With Children
- People Who Were Willing To Speak To Me
- Pointless Music Reviews
- Pointyheaded Highbrow Stuff
- Really Brilliant Things You Should Read But Probably Won't Because You Are A Pantera Fan
- Sunday Funnies
- The Exorcism of Glen Benton
- The One Time I Left The House
- The Poetry of Death
- The Politics Of Catastrophe
- The Resurrection of Michael Jackson
- The Sarah Palin Fiasco
- Totally Useless Information
- November 2017
- October 2016
- September 2016
- August 2016
- July 2016
- June 2016
- May 2016
- January 2016
- December 2015
- October 2015
- September 2015
- August 2015
- July 2015
- June 2015
- May 2015
- April 2015
- March 2015
- February 2015
- January 2015
- December 2014
- November 2014
- October 2014
- September 2014
- August 2014
- July 2014
- June 2014
- May 2014
- April 2014
- March 2014
- February 2014
- January 2014
- December 2013
- November 2013
- October 2013
- September 2013
- August 2013
- July 2013
- June 2013
- May 2013
- April 2013
- March 2013
- February 2013
- October 2012
- September 2012
- July 2012
- June 2012
- May 2012
- April 2012
- March 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
Top Posts & Pages
- Ester of Wood Rosin: The Miracle Preservative that Works Miracles
- Georgia Bans Cute Pictures of Kittens From Facebook
- Rage Against The Machine and Sony Records Declare War on Capitalism
- Danzig To Sue Everyone On Earth
- Donald Trump Revealed To Be First Cro-Mags Singer
- Great Moments In Metal History: Jason Newsted Invents The No-String Bass
- Glen Benton: Activist or Anti-Christ?
- Varg Vikernes Arrested In France On Suspicion Of Flushing Oranges Down Toilet
- Dissecting CARCASS' "Heartwork" - First Incision...Buried Dreams
- George Clooney Agrees to Buy Bones of Bathory’s Quorthon For 1.6 Million Dollars
WordsAbbath art Atlanta barack obama Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories baseball basketball Black metal Black Sabbath Burzum Carcass Cronos Danzig dave mustaine death Deicide existential dread existentialism fear freedom Glenn Danzig God Health Heartwork heavy metal heavy metal music Hipsters Human Humor Iron Maiden James Hetfield Jeffrey Walker Jeff Walker Judas Priest Kerry King King Diamond King Diamond For President in 2012 Lars Ulrich Lemmy liberty Manowar Marshall McLuhan megadeth Mercyful Fate Metal Metallica Mitt Romney Morbid Angel Music NBA Ozzy Ozzy Osbourne Pantera Phil Anselmo philosophy politics President Religion and Spirituality Republican Richard Nixon Rick Santorum Ronald Reagan Satan Shopping silkk the shocker Slayer suffering Sweden terrorism Testament Tony Iommi United States Varg Vikernes Venom weird