Archive for June, 2015
When 49-year-old Charlie Ronce first heard Dokken’s seminal metal record “Tooth and Nail”, he knew loved it. Now, thanks to a 5-4 decision by the United States Supreme Court, he has the right to marry it.
As predicted by conservative pundits and politicians, the Supreme Court’s decision to allow gay marriage has opened the floodgates to all sorts of marriages between men and inanimate objects. In Paraphiliacs United vs. Cleaver, the court ruled that Ronce and any other depraved weirdo can do whatever the hell they want, anytime they want, to anything to they want without facing any repercussions whatsoever.
Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote the landmark decision, which has cleared the way for an orgy of godless, disgraceful acts that will bring a quick, painful end to the existence of the United States of America. “No love is more profound than the love of a man for whatever gets him off. Now, go do whatever sick, disgusting stuff comes to mind without regard to decency or hygiene. It is so ordered,” wrote Kennedy in words that will forever embolden perverts everywhere.
Ronce’s courtship of “Tooth and Nail” began when he purchased the album at a Sam Goody in Yonkers, New York in 1985. He casually dated the album at first, still having relations with other albums including Kix “Blow My Fuse” and Sleeze Beez “Screwed, Blued and Tattooed”. However, by the 1990s, he found himself connecting to “Tooth and Nail” on a spiritual level and wanted to demonstrate his deep, abiding commitment to it.
He proposed to his copy of the album on a trip to Hawaii in 1994 after Don Dokken himself autographed it in the Honolulu Airport. Ronce then began his mission to have a court somewhere in America sanction his fetishistic love of the record. Today, his struggle for the right to do something that no sane person would really ever bother trying to do has been validated.
Conservative Justice Antonin Scalia wrote a scathing dissent, but was unable to read it because police detained him after he leaped across the bench and lunged at Justice Kennedy’s throat with a penknife. Scalia’s opinion contained nearly 50 references to the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, talked at length about how much he hated the song “Just Got Lucky” and ended with the words “Drop The Bomb – Exterminate Them All!” scrawled in blood at the bottom of the page. Scalia was released later in the day on his own recognizance.
While many may have been taken aback by the recent news that Apple’s new streaming service “Apple Music” will not be paying its artists during its three-month pilot period, and shocked by the announcement that they’ll now be paying artists a voucher for a free Denny’s Grand Slam per 10 million streams, and were perhaps even more uproarious about the more recent announcement that the 500 least-streamed artists on this platform will be hunted and killed by Apple’s patented T-800 robots at the end of the three-month trial, even those with the most disdain for the multi-billion dollar monolith were on their knees in worship at the reveal of their newest feature, the memory-wiping “Unlisten”.
Inspired by Google’s new feature, “Unsend”, which allows users to recant emails after sending them, Apple Unlisten’s open beta launched last Sunday, June 21st. Those who sign up for the “Unlisten” open beta will have access to an extensive database of every single song and artist they’ve ever listened to in their life, and, at the click of a mouse, users will have the ability to have any song they’ve ever listened to wiped from their memory, erasing any catchy lyrics, instrumentation, and fondest childhood memories of the dear friend that turned them onto the song that may still be lingering in their head.
“We thought it’d be a great idea,” Apple Music CEO Craig Jonas said in a press release. “One of my colleagues came into the office one day and said, ‘Man, did you hear that new Shinedown single? Man, what I wouldn’t give to unlisten to that monstrosity.’ We just stared at each other in amazement at the idea we had just birthed.”
“While we probably shouldn’t be surprised by how easily our users have been willing to give up their social security number, credit card information, name of their hometown, brain scans, and a strand of their hair for us to be able to acquire this information about them, like damn, just how much do these people trust us?”
Listeners have voiced their unanimous excitement at this innovative new feature.
“I think it’ll come in handy,” says Andy Johnston, 20. “Now the next time one of my douche friends links me the latest Rebecca Black song on my Facebook timeline, I can know that I can listen to it without being left with battle scars.”
“I’m absolutely thrilled,” Mark “The Bloodied” James, 27, told us in between his daily animal sacrifices. “Now all my fellow metalhead friends can’t shame me for liking that latest Charli XCX album, because now thanks to Unlisten, I can just forget that that album ever existed.”
We recently reached out to Mark again for further comment after testing Apple Unlisten, and his paranoid, stammered-out response simply went, “Who are you? Who am I? What have you done to me?”
(contributed by guest correspondent Jess Casebeer from Northwest Music Scene)
Former Morbid Angel drummer and vocalist Mike Browning has rejoined and since left Morbid Angel, according to a press release earlier today. Browning’s lasting contribution to the death metal group was his appearance on the band’s shelved first album, Abominations of Desolation, which was subsequently released after Altars of Madness.
“It was really great to be back in the fold for 10 hours,” stated the drummer, “but it was clear that financial and creative differences were untenable, and I cannot participate in Morbid Angel any longer.”
In a dispatch from the Morbid Angel camp, Trey Azagthoth said, “We really appreciate Mike’s efforts in the band, and we hope that he finds success in his future endeavors.”
At press time, former drummer Wayne Hartsell was spotted heading into Morbid Angel’s studio for an audition.
Iron Maiden set the metal world ablaze this week by releasing the cover art from their soon-to-be-released double album “Book of Souls”. While many fans of the band were impressed with the artwork, some were surprised to learn that Eddie’s new look is based on James Franco’s performance as the drug dealing hooligan known as Alien in Harmony Korine’s 2012 film “Spring Breakers”.
Some die-hard fans of the band were angered by the Maiden’s unwillingness to bring back Derek Riggs to create the new cover. Protests were planned in 12 major American cities on Saturday to bring back Riggs. However, much of the uproar died down and the protests were cancelled when it was discovered that legendary street artist and 2014 Hipster Hall of Fame honoree Banksy created the new Eddie.
When asked about Eddie’s new crunk-for-2015 look, the band spoke about how the watching “Spring Breakers” launched them in a new creative direction. While the band says many of the tracks are the classic, straight ahead Iron Maiden you would expect, don’t be surprised if you hear a little of what Dave Murray cryptically referred to as “Dem Ruskin Arms Trap Beatz” on the new record. The band has even hinted at collaborating with Yung Jeezy on a crossover song tentatively called “Trap Somewhere in Time”.
There have also been rumors swirling around the Iron Maiden camp that “Book of Souls” is actually a concept album in which a mad scientist fuses Eddie and Alien’s DNA to create a new creature, known as “Crunkenstein”. The monster goes on a wild rampage through St. Petersburg, Florida during spring break searching for the one thing necessary to his survival, the souls of methheads. Unable to find any that hadn’t already been sold to Satan, Crunkenstein lays on the beach and spends his last moments alive singing an eleven minute power ballad about the life of Aliester Crowley.
Franco, meanwhile, was unable to be reached for comment. He is currently somewhere in the mountains of Guatemala working on a new book of poems titled “Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue: Meditations On Things I Was Thinking About While Watching Full House” that is set to be released sometime next year.
Founding guitarist Trey Azagthoth announced today that he is parting ways with death metal titans Morbid Angel. The news follows in the wake of the dissolution of the current lineup, with bassist/vocalist David Vincent, drummer Tim Yeung, and guitarist Destructhor all dismissed by Azagthoth. Now the only continuous member in Morbid Angel’s nearly 30-year run plans to depart as well.
“The situation in the band has become untenable, with musical and financial considerations remaining unresolved. I can no longer commit to participating and performing in this fashion,” stated Trey, “I wish [returning bassist/vocalist] Steve Tucker the best with Morbid Angel, and I am looking forward to new endeavors of my own.”
At press time, sole remaining member Steve Tucker is sitting in front of his computer with a stunned expression and his mouth hanging open.
For years, Americans have mocked him. They giggled at his bluesy, Elvis-like vocal style. They chortled at the novelty of a man nearly 60 years old still attempting to fit into muscle shirts. They created hundreds of thousands of memes with him carrying kitty litter to his car. They howled watching the guy from the Northside Kings knock him senseless.
Now, Danzig will make them pay. At exactly 10 o’clock this morning Danzig issued an official statement from his castle on the outskirts of Lodi, New Jersey throwing down the proverbial mesh shirt and challenging anyone who wants to poke fun at him to no-holds-barred battle for survival. Danzig has stated that on August 1st at noon he will be behind the Wawa in Hoboken and willing to fight all comers.
“I told your children not to walk my way. I told your children to hear my words. What they mean. What they say,” read Danzig’s Press Secretary and former Nixon aide Ron Ziegler from a somewhat incoherent prepared statement written by the famed vocalist.
The throng of reporters gathered in front of the moat surrounding Danzig’s famed Castle Liberskull looked on incredulously as Ziegler continued. “They laugh and they laugh. Silly little puppets dancing on their silly little strings. AHHHAAHHAAAAA…look…Danzig’s buying an ordinary consumer item that all cat owners have purchased at one time or another. He’s a normal person.”
“Or…HAAAAHAAAA… some guy from some band that no one has ever heard of sucker punched Danzig and he slipped on a wet spot on the floor and fell. He’s no superior being. He’s a mortal. Like me. Well…meet me at the Wawa at high noon on August 1st and we’ll see who the superior being is.” Danzig has hired boxing trainer extraordinaire Freddie Roach to train him to fight the mob of hundreds of thousands of so-called “internet trolls” who are reportedly ready to descend on Hoboken in order to get their shot at knocking out a heavy metal legend.
Roach was an odd choice for Danzig, considering he’s an expert in training fighters like Manny Pacquiao for one-on-one combat, but has never prepared a man to simultaneously fight the population of a medium sized American city. Still, Danzig is confident that the training regiment Roach has prepared for him, which features regular sparring against a pack of feral wolves Danzig keeps locked up in his basement, will ready him to destroy all in his way.
We haven’t seen kids this scared of #2 pencils since the SAT’s
We here at the Tyranny of Tradition have received an avalanche of phone calls and carrier pigeon messages from parents who are beside themselves with terror at what is being called the biggest revival of the occult since the release of the movie Leprechaun 9.
Kids all across this nation are putting themselves at possible risk of demonic possession by taking the so called Charlie Charlie Challenge and we feel it necessary to use our influence to drown out the voices of the perpetual killjoys who are calling it a hoax. We know hoaxes when we see them, and this is certainly not a hoax.
Charlie Benante Flashes The Charlie Charlie Gang Sign
So, what exactly is the Charlie Charlie Challenge and how does it work? Think of it as a poor man’s version of the Ouija board, but with access to spirits that appear to be in this country illegally.
Occult expert, Glenda Benton inform us that,
“By using a piece of paper and two pencils, unsuspecting children can fashion a gateway to gain access to the collective power of a legion of Mexican demons that have taken the jobs which American demons refuse to fill. Through the careful balancing of one pencil atop another on a paper divided into quadrants that are marked “Yes” and “No” respectively, the participant calls out, “Charlie Charlie, are you here?”, and this powerful incantation rips the fabric of space and time and exposes your vulnerable child to malevolent, Latino spirits. Occultists across the globe are still sifting through ancient texts to find the connection between the name Charlie and the South American forces of evil, but we have come up empty handed thus far.”
I’m Charlie Charlie Diablo, Ask me anything!
As news reports have poured in about kids as young as 6 risking their eternal souls by summoning these demons, there has been vigorous debate in Congress on how to stem the tide of wickedness pouring across our spiritual borders. Semi-reliable sources tell us that leading the charge is Gordon Klingenschmitt, a moderate Republican from Colorado who is known for his sensible approach to the issues facing this county.
Congressman Klingenschmitt is co-sponsoring a bill with The Archangel Michael (R) aptly named The Gordon Klingenschmitt And Michael The Archangel Bill To Protect The Country Of Jesus From The Charlie Charlie And Cinnamon Challenges.
Gordon Raising The Roof Against All Enemies Foreign And Imaginary
A leaked copy of the Bill contains several measures which would be implemented to keep America safe, which include
- Tax cuts for the top 1% and the total deregulation of all corporations. Taxes and regulations are forbidden in the Bible and their existence emboldens demons and devils.
- Banning all abortions with no exceptions for incest, rape, or facehugger impregnation. No one should get a free pass to enter Heaven under no circumstances.
- Mandatory gun ownership by every citizen. Demons only target children because they can’t legally posses firearms.
- Dismantle the Food Stamp and School Lunch programs. Demons are averse to possessing hungry kids.
- Prohibit the possession of #2 pencils.
Following the controversy in the ousting of Morbid Angel mainstay David Vincent, the bassist/vocalist has announced that he will immediately begin working on a new endeavor, which is fronting a counter at a local McDonald’s.
“McDonald’s is my kind of place,” said Vincent in a press release, “and I know I can really make an impact there. What that restaurant needs is star power and charisma, which is exactly what I bring to the table.”
Vincent went on to discuss how he plans to put patrons in awe with his commanding presence, whether it’s asking if they’d like to supersize their meal, or if they want any extra ketchup packets.
“Morbid Angel had a great run, but I really need to spread my wings and make something I can call my own,” said the former frontman, “I think this is my answer. I hear there’s a lot of room for advancement, and I plan to dominate this place in a few short months.”
At press time, there is no report as to whether or not Mr. Vincent is aware that living hardcore and radikult is strictly prohibited by McDonald’s corporate policy.