Archive for category King Diamond For President in 2012

I Am A King Diamond’s Disease Survivor

A Picture of Me Getting Ready To Go To My Daughter's Piano Recital

Have you ever found yourself singing the chorus from a King Diamond song at an inappropriate time like in church or at a funeral?  Do you ever wake up with your face covered with strange painted designs without knowing how they got there?  Do you ever find yourself having bizarre urges, like making furniture out of the leg bone of your neighbor?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be one of the nearly 2 million Americans who suffer from King Diamond’s disease.  You are not alone.

King Diamond’s Disease, known to doctors as Bendixitis, claims nearly a thousand new victims a week.  You may see many of these poor souls on the streets, covered in backwards crosses, wandering aimlessly while singing the falsetto chorus to Abigail.  They often struggle to maintain normal lives.  They are your doctors, your teachers, your lawyers and your children’s crossing guards.  I know their pain, because, you see, I am one of them.

My story isn’t different from most KDD survivors.  It started innocently enough.  I’d be in the car on my way to pick up the children from their Tae-Bo class and catch myself howling “Sleeeeeeeplesssss Niiiiiiiightssss” for no reason in particular.  I’d find myself thinking about the King more and more each day.  When I was eating dinner, I wondered what The King might be eating.  When picking out clothing at a shopping mall, my mind would drift to what The King might think about the sweater I was trying on.

Then, one day, I woke up for a critical job interview for the position of Chief Tagalog Translator at The United Nations.  As I was putting the finishing touches on my outfit, I looked in the mirror and staring back at me was a 6 foot 2 stranger in a suit and tie with his face painted just like King Diamond on the Conspiracy album.  I know that I hadn’t painted it myself!  The paint would not wash off no matter what I tried.  Imagine my pain and sadness, sitting in the most important job interview in my entire life, knowing that no employer in their right mind would hire a guy who showed up for a job interview dressed like a demented ghoul.  They laughed at me.  “Don’t call us, we’ll call you,” they sneered.  They simply didn’t understand.

The face paint has never come off.   It’s been three years now.  I’m still unemployed, although I had a brief part time job as a greeter at Wal-Mart until I was fired for supposedly causing the store to be attacked by evil spirits.  My children try their best to understand, but when the other kids make fun of them because their daddy is dressed up for Halloween everyday it hurts their feelings.  The community has shunned me.  I stopped going to church because they kept dousing me with holy water.  Everywhere I go I am an outcast.

There is no known cure for King Diamond’s Disease.  A diet low in orange sherbet can lessen many of the symptoms, but Bendixitis is a lifetime ailment that will never leave you once you have it.  I have found strength in my support group Survivors of An Unmercyful Fate.  We meet once a week and discuss how to live life one day at a time.  I have met a lot of great people in the Atlanta area who suffer like me including my sponsor Joann, a kindergarten teacher who has lived with King Diamond’s disease since she saw the King on The Spider’s Lullabye Tour back in 1995.  Her strength in going through her day trying to teach the alphabet to screaming, crying, terrified children is an inspiration to us all.

With research and time, a cure might be found.  Until that day comes, I will wear my face paint proudly knowing that my “disorder” allows me to have something in common with the greatest vocalist ever to walk the earth.  But still, I long for a day when I can walk down the street without old women cringing and middle aged men asking me to sing them a song about my grandmother.

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GOP Frontrunner Perry: “King Diamond is Too Moderate For America”

Too Moderate For America???

In the hopes of stemming the growing tide of voters supporting King Diamond for President, Republican frontrunner Rick Perry lashed out at The King’s campaign which he claimed is “well outside of the mainstream in American politics.”  In a speech given by Perry at the home of noted abortion clinic bomber Jack Marcus, Perry went on a full scale five minute offensive against Diamond in an attempt to show that he does not represent the values of today’s Republican Party.  “Where are the irresponsible proposals for tax cuts for the wealthy?  Where are the preposterous accusations of President Obama’s link to The Communist Party?  Where are the crazed threats of violence against Third World Countries?  Do you realize King Diamond has been on the campaign trail for less than three weeks and he has yet to accuse an Islamic charity group with having ties to Al-Qaeda?  I had been in the race less than a week when I threatened to beat up the Head of The Federal Reserve Board!  King Diamond is clearly too moderate for the Republican Party and definitely too moderate for America,” shouted a wild-eyed Perry in front of 200 cheering, drooling Perry for President staffers.

Perry Campaigning In Cedar Rapids

Perry is not the only candidate who has attacked King Diamond in recent days.  Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney hammered The King for “sounding like a girl when he sings”.  Romney went on to accuse King Diamond of plagiarizing the entire Abigail album, which Romney claims he himself wrote in his Geometry notebook while a high school student in the 1960s.  Romney even went so far as to question The King’s metal credentials.  “I’m much more of a metalhead than King Diamond,” exclaimed Romney in front of the only guy who came to see his speech last night in Des Moines, “I have every Venom album on vinyl, while King Diamond only has them all on CD.  I ask you…Who is more metal?  Me or The So-Called King.”

Michelle Bachmann chimed in yesterday claiming “King Diamond is God’s punishment on America for the sin of collecting taxes.” Ron Paul accused The King of “actually being a secret agent of The Lizard People and The Cult of The Illuminati.”  Some guy named Jon Huntsman who claimed to be a Republican Presidential candidate also said some nasty stuff about King Diamond, but no one in the press bothered to write it down or record it.

Much of this negative campaigning reflects a belief that the Republicans have a chance to win the election in November if they can just turn the American public into a frightened mass of well-armed lunatics.  This strategy has worked well so far against President Barack Obama.  In a recent CNN/Gallup Poll, 65 percent of Americans claimed they would “vote for a seal who knew how to balance a ball on its nose before they’d reelect Obama”.  In a Rasmussen Poll taken last week, it was revealed that 82 percent of Republicans feared that if they voted for Obama a plague would immediately descend upon the land and rabid dogs would eat their children.  However, in both polls however, Obama still leads Perry by around 4 percent.

King Diamond has remained silent so far about the attacks although he has mentioned to several sources inside his campaign that “he looks forward to playing beach volleyball with Michelle Bachmann’s head”.  He also joked with a reporter about Rick Perry’s intense persona saying “everybody’s a tough guy when they have Secret Service protection.  He wouldn’t last 5 seconds in The Pit.  He couldn’t beat up my grandmother.”  The King has a tough week of campaigning ahead, including a major, make-or-break policy speech in front of the influential “Satanists For Christ” National Convention in Davenport this Friday.  His ability to attract evangelical voters is seen as the key to him winning the all-important Iowa caucus in January.

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The Man Who Would Be King Diamond

(Here’s a great piece that was on CNN’s website last Friday)

(CNN)-After watching him burst from the obscure world of heavy metal music onto the national stage as a Republican candidate for the Presidency, most Americans are asking the same question, “Who is King Diamond?”  As of 2010, most political commentators hadn’t even heard the album Fatal Portrait let alone considered him to be a possible challenger to Barack Obama’s Presidency.  However, the past few months have seen a whirlwind of political action by The King, including solving the debt crisis, helping to overthrow Mubarak’s government in Egypt and giving a speech in front of 2 million screaming, poorly-dressed metalheads at this month’s Million Metalhead March.

Not only is The King gathering a flood of support from disaffected Republicans (as well as some Democrats), his shadowy political action committee, known as THEM, has raised over 13 million dollars in less than 2 weeks.  In order to understand King Diamond’s appeal to voters, it is first important to learn about his fascinating background.  In many ways, The King’s story is America’s story.

Kim Bendix Peterson was born in Copenhagen, Denmark in 1739.  He was the son of Per Peterson, a blacksmith, and Abigail Peterson, a blood-drinking witch who was a direct descendant of the God Poseidon.  He was an intelligent young man who was deeply interested in alchemy, local politics and dead animals.  When he turned 16, he had his first meeting with the Dark Lord Satan, who was working as a science teacher at The King’s high school.  Satan, who was impressed by young Kim’s quick wit and nimble mind, became something of a mentor to him.  “I remember when I first met him,” said Satan in an exclusive interview with CNN last week, “you could just tell he was going to do great things.”

When Kim turned 21, he officially took on the name King Diamond during a ritual sacrifice of Copenhagen’s largest water buffalo.  The King was immediately given the powers of invisibility, the ability to cast spells on those he felt were deserving of torment and the occasional ability to raise the dead.  Satan worried that The King might be taking on too much at a young age, but Diamond was able to keep things in perspective, rising to the role of Dark Prince in a span of less than five years.

Things haven’t always been easy for The King.  Diamond has had to overcome several major obstacles in his life including a yearlong bout with bubonic plague and his grandmother’s devastating battle with mental illness.  However, nothing compares to the horrible four year stretch where he was dead back in the 1840s.  After being burned at the stake by wild-eyed French farmers who believed he caused blight on their crops, he was trapped in a darkened purgatory for what seemed like eternity.  Eventually Charon, the ferryman on the river Styx, found the King screaming falsetto Latin choruses at passing demons and led him out of the realm of eternal darkness.  “I felt like The King still had so much evil to bring to the world,” said Charon in his biography “Rollin’ On The River of The Dead:  A Memoir”, “so I took pity on his soul and returned him to the world of the living.  I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

After his return to earth, The King became involved in politics, eventually landing a high-ranking position as Ambassador to Russia under President Teddy Roosevelt.   While in the Roosevelt administration, Diamond accidently helped to negotiate the end of the Russo-Japanese War.  For his work, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize along with the President, an Award that he tossed into a blazing fire moments after he received it.  Things turned sour between him and Roosevelt soon after when the President refused to allow Satan to take control of Arizona, which he believed Satan rightfully won from the President in a game of poker.  The King became disillusioned with politics and travelled to the Far East in order to learn meditation techniques from several enlightened masters.

The King returned to Europe in the 1970s and began his career as a musician, believing that music was the best way to spread his message of unbridled horror to the world.  After stints in bands like Brainstorm and Black Rose, the King truly found his calling in the 1980s fronting metal legends Mercyful Fate.  Along with the seven studio albums he recorded with Fate, he also put together twelve magnificent studio records as a solo artist.   After seeing what he referred to as the “embarrassing state of American politics”, he decided it was time to return and save America from the “tyranny of the painfully stupid”.  The King plans to bring a no-nonsense approach to governing that includes a more equitable tax code and the return of the guillotine.  He has a bold, striking vision for America that many consider radical.  However, in these troubled times, a radical message like his may be just what Americans are looking for.

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King Diamond Rocks Million Metalhead March, Announces Presidential Run

Yesterday, over 1.8 million Metalheads marched on Washington D.C. demanding equal rights, less corruption in government and Hipster Reform.  The rally, one of the largest in the nation’s history, culminated on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial with speeches by metal luminaries the likes of Steve Harris, Joey Demaio and Thomas Gabriel Warrior.   However, the big moment took place at 4 PM when metal legend King Diamond repelled down the Washington Monument and strode onto the stage to give his keynote address.

Speculation has grown over the last few weeks about a possible King Diamond run for President in 2012.  The crowd eagerly awaited his announcement.  Metalheads traveled from as far away as New Zealand to see the speech.  Jimmy “Buzzsaw” Samhain, a King Diamond fan since his older brother loaned him Abagail when he was 8, travelled by bus from Flagstaff, Arizona to see the speech.  “He’s going to save us.  I wouldn’t have travelled 3 days through a terrible blizzard to see him if I didn’t know for sure that HE IS THE ONE!!!!”

The Crowd HAILS The King as He Begins His Speech

The crowd didn’t have to wait long to find out The King’s plans.  Early in the speech, he thrilled the crowd by making his intentions clear. “In 2012, the spirit of evil will overtake Washington and I will lead this nation back to greatness. I will be your next President!!!!!”

Many questions have arisen about the problems King Diamond’s campaign might face.  Steven Witchkiller, of the organization Black Metal Fans For Truth, openly asked the question in an editorial written for the Washington Post on Wednesday whether someone born in Denmark could be President of the United States.  Witchkiller is clearly unaware of the provision in the 17th Amendment to the Constitution that allows Danes and Swedes to run for President.  It was passed during Woodrow Wilson’s administration to thank Denmark and Sweden for their unyielding support during World War I.  Diamond would actually be the second Danish born President, following in the footsteps of Gerald Ford.  However, many legal scholars have argued that since most Americans struggle to know the difference between Amendments and Commandments, the 17th might not actually apply.

Other members of the press have wondered what The King believes about many of the major issues facing Americans.  Up until yesterday, many Americans didn’t even know what party he would run with.  In a press release issued last night after the March, The King stated he would run as a Republican, in spite of his dislike of nearly every stance that Party has taken in the past 30 years.  It is felt that his best chances lay in running Republican due to the general weakness, mindless incompetence and borderline insanity of most of the candidates currently in the field.

None of these issues seemed to matter as The King addressed 1.8 million screaming metal maniacs.  After breathing fire for two consecutive minutes at the beginning of his speech, The King launched into a passage that will be taught in classrooms 200 years from now.  In order to fully capture its spirit, we will reprint this section in its entirety.

 “See…..I have dreams, too.  Dreams of doctors putting giant spiders on their patients, dreams of grandmother’s evil gnarled hands reaching out from beyond the grave, dreams of ghastly horsemen chasing me through the night.  I dream the dreams of pure mortal terror.  I dream of a Washington over taken by headless ghouls and heartless corpses.  I dream of an America so consumed by rage and horror that people cannot even leave their homes without fear of being attacked by hounds sent by the Dark Lord himself.  I dream of a day where little metalhead boys and girls can wildly assault and maim hipster children without the fear of going to jail.  I dream of a giant rock concert with all Americans, except hipsters, swaying back and forth, listening to “”Amon” Belongs To “Them””.   We will let the bells of evil and malice ring from the hills of Georgia to the mountains of Colorado.  We will let the bells of darkness and torment ring from sea to shining sea.  And when these bells ring Americans will know it’s time to join hands and sing (falsetto) “Toooooonight The Circle Is Broken Forever!!!!!!!”

The March was not without its problems.  Three metalheads were arrested by police for giving a “corpse paint makeover” to the statue of Lincoln behind the stage.  Hipster protestors and metalheads clashed in front of the Capitol for five minutes when one of the protestors played a Band of Horses song from his radio.  In spite of these isolated incidents, the day was a rousing success and may well be the beginning of a political campaign that will reshape the nation for generations to come.

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King Diamond Solves Debt Crisis, Considers Presidential Run

The King Speaking To Reporters After Yesterday’s Debt Agreement

As the President signed the agreement ending the American debt ceiling crisis into law it became clear that there is a new hero in Washington D.C. and his name is King Diamond.  The King, using his incredible powers of persuasion and high-pitched falsetto voice, forced the Democrats and Republicans into negotiating an end to a battle that might well have crippled the American economy for years to come.

He became involved on Friday July 22nd when President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner broke off discussions.  “If it weren’t for King Diamond, we probably would have gone into the worst economic crisis in our history,” said Senate Majority leader Harry Reid in an interview with CNN’s John King yesterday evening.

The King crafted an agreement that was amenable to both sides.  Instead of raising taxes on the wealthy or cutting Medicare, King Diamond offered a 3 percent tax increase on all heavy metal albums bought in the United States.  As most readers know, heavy metal album sales account for nearly 12 percent of Gross Domestic Product and record labels that sell heavy metal albums are the second largest employer in America today.

The King’s plan also calls for a 20 percent tax on all Exodus albums that don’t feature Steve Souza as vocalist.  “That Rob Dukes fellow is extremely talented, but does anyone really believe Exodus is better without Souza.  I say, tax them until they bring him back,” stated the King in a press release.

These two revenue streams should account for nearly four trillion dollars in new money coming in over the next ten years.  In the President’s Address announcing the agreement, Obama made a point to single out King Diamond for his important contribution.  “King Diamond’s willingness to be both firm and flexible was the key to the deal,” said Obama, “he’s a great vocalist and a warm and wonderful man.”

All this recent publicity has led some to wonder whether King Diamond might consider a bid for the Presidency in 2012.  Diamond has refused to answer most questions about his willingness to run, but yesterday he told a reporter from the New York Times that he was seriously considering it.  Webpages have sprouted up all over the Internet trying to convince the King to step in and save America from chaos and despair. The King has told his followers that he plans to make a formal announcement of his plans next week at the Million Metalhead March in Washington D.C.

Political commentators have mixed feelings about what the King’s candidacy could do to a race.  While his appeal with the American public is undeniable, few people really know much about him besides the fact that he is an amazing singer and can command the forces of evil at a moment’s notice.  Nobody even knows what political party he’s in (although he recently attended a thousand dollar a plate fundraiser for The Sugar-Coated Satan Sandwich Party).

Many pundits have pointed out that songs like “Night of The Unborn”, a song about zombie fetuses that attack a Planned Parenthood center, prove that he is Pro-Life and, therefore, would probably run as a Republican.  A recent CNN/Gallup Poll claimed that if the King ran as a Republican he would defeat President Obama 46 to 43 percent.  He polled particularly strongly in crucial battleground states like Ohio and Florida.

According to political columnist and talk radio host Jonathan Winthrop, “King Diamond’s entry into the 2012 Presidential race would change the whole thing.  He could unite a coalition of crazed metalheads and, using the power of metal and his connection with the Prince of Darkness, I believe he could defeat Obama easily.”

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King Diamond Offers 11th Hour Compromise to End U.S. Debt Crisis

The King Speaking To Reporters At Today's Press Conference

Click here for up to the minute updates on King Diamond’s campaign for President.  Will he run or not????

Tired of the political bickering taking place between the Republicans and Democrats over the raising of the debt ceiling, metal legend King Diamond has offered a compromise in the hopes of averting a major economic crisis in the United States.  At a 7:30 PM press conference, The King scolded President Obama and the Republican Party for “playing political games” at a critical time.  “This is unacceptable!”  shouted the King in a mild falsetto voice, “My sleep has been disturbed by rumors of the US Bond rating being downgraded.  Do you people understand what the fiscal ramifications of that would be!?!?! This must stop nowwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!”

In response to the stalemate in Washington, The King offered an economic package that he felt would be acceptable to both sides.  The King’s debt deal would shave 3.8 trillion dollars off of the Federal Debt over a 10 year period with only a modest tax increase and minor cuts to Social Security and Medicare.  He intends to generate additional revenue by putting a 20 percent tax on all albums by “awful mallcore bands”.  He also plans on heavily taxing all hipster related products.  “You know those stupid tee-shirts they sell at Target with pictures of Spam and Dr. Pepper on them.  We are going to tax the hell out of them.  Teach those people to dress like adults!” opined the King.  “I’m not worried about hipster backlash.  Hipsters don’t even like hipsters!”

The King has summoned President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner to a meeting at his hidden lair located somewhere in the Alps.  The King’s Lair has only been seen by a handful of people and has never been photographed.  There have been rumors over the years that he has the world’s last remaining minotaur in a pit in his backyard.  According to The King the meeting, set for Tuesday afternoon, should straighten everything out.  “If I was able to put my differences with Mercyful Fate aside in order to reunite and make great music back in the 90’s, these humans can certainly put aside their petty differences,” said the King in a scornful, frustrated voice.

The King had harsh words for the politicians standing in the way of a deal.  He threatened Tea Party members and others who are willing to risk default on the U.S. debt with “a trip to grandmother’s house”.  The King has another press conference scheduled for Wednesday afternoon at which he plans to bring either a signed agreement or “a bag full of their skulls.”

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