King Diamond Offers 11th Hour Compromise to End U.S. Debt Crisis

The King Speaking To Reporters At Today's Press Conference

Click here for up to the minute updates on King Diamond’s campaign for President.  Will he run or not????

Tired of the political bickering taking place between the Republicans and Democrats over the raising of the debt ceiling, metal legend King Diamond has offered a compromise in the hopes of averting a major economic crisis in the United States.  At a 7:30 PM press conference, The King scolded President Obama and the Republican Party for “playing political games” at a critical time.  “This is unacceptable!”  shouted the King in a mild falsetto voice, “My sleep has been disturbed by rumors of the US Bond rating being downgraded.  Do you people understand what the fiscal ramifications of that would be!?!?! This must stop nowwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!”

In response to the stalemate in Washington, The King offered an economic package that he felt would be acceptable to both sides.  The King’s debt deal would shave 3.8 trillion dollars off of the Federal Debt over a 10 year period with only a modest tax increase and minor cuts to Social Security and Medicare.  He intends to generate additional revenue by putting a 20 percent tax on all albums by “awful mallcore bands”.  He also plans on heavily taxing all hipster related products.  “You know those stupid tee-shirts they sell at Target with pictures of Spam and Dr. Pepper on them.  We are going to tax the hell out of them.  Teach those people to dress like adults!” opined the King.  “I’m not worried about hipster backlash.  Hipsters don’t even like hipsters!”

The King has summoned President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner to a meeting at his hidden lair located somewhere in the Alps.  The King’s Lair has only been seen by a handful of people and has never been photographed.  There have been rumors over the years that he has the world’s last remaining minotaur in a pit in his backyard.  According to The King the meeting, set for Tuesday afternoon, should straighten everything out.  “If I was able to put my differences with Mercyful Fate aside in order to reunite and make great music back in the 90’s, these humans can certainly put aside their petty differences,” said the King in a scornful, frustrated voice.

The King had harsh words for the politicians standing in the way of a deal.  He threatened Tea Party members and others who are willing to risk default on the U.S. debt with “a trip to grandmother’s house”.  The King has another press conference scheduled for Wednesday afternoon at which he plans to bring either a signed agreement or “a bag full of their skulls.”

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  1. #1 by johncerickson on July 23, 2011 - 10:07 AM

    Would I be considered unpatriotic if I said I preferred to see the bag of skulls Wednesday morning?
    I love the hipster tax, but please leave Spam out of it. Spam is a noble product, the most American of canned foods, a veteran of many wars including WW2, and a true social icon. Spam already has to suffer with the indignity of having junk Email named after it – taxing T-shirts and other paraphernalia trumpeting the triumphs of this tasty treat would tear its’ tradition to tatters and terrorise the totters of its’ triumphs. Enough I say (in more ways than one)!
    Toodles! 😀

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on July 24, 2011 - 1:43 PM

      Spam is fine, but hipsters wearing Spam shirts are simply not okay. We didn’t fight 2 major wars and deal with 12 seasons of MASH so that these kids can run around being ironic all day.

  2. #3 by Abigail on July 23, 2011 - 1:19 PM

    i’m glad that king diamond has stepped in. hes a grate singer and a good man. these stupid repukelicans and dumbocrats can’t get anything done. maybe king diamond can bring america together.

  3. #5 by thrash tilll death on July 23, 2011 - 1:22 PM

    This is dumb. How is he going to make enough money off of hipsters to end the debt? 3.8 trillion dollars is a lot of money. I don’t think his math is right. Its time for this guy to get out of the way and let the politicians do there jobs.

  4. #6 by King Diamond on July 24, 2011 - 11:41 AM

    Thrash till drath’s skull will be included also.

    • #7 by johncerickson on July 24, 2011 - 1:30 PM

      Because 2 heads are better than one, so 536 should be better than 535? (Sorry, forgot this is a post about people who CAN’T do math.) 😀

    • #8 by Keith Spillett on July 24, 2011 - 1:38 PM

      Tell’em King!

  5. #9 by Keith Spillett on July 24, 2011 - 1:39 PM

    536 skulls in a bag! I like it.

  6. #10 by Dave on July 24, 2011 - 9:50 PM

    This is so stoopid!!!! King Dimond should stick to making his awesom music and merciful fate and not getting involved in american politcals.What does this dude know about debts and tax? Stick to what you no King!! No body cares about hearing your views! Now more musick ok?

    • #11 by Vince Edwards on August 24, 2011 - 5:57 PM

      You realize this is fake, right?

      • #12 by Dave on September 11, 2011 - 12:06 PM

        No its not! Its on the internet!!!!

      • #13 by Keith Spillett on September 11, 2011 - 12:28 PM

        HA! Everything on the internet is true!!! EVERYTHING!!!!

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