Last Christmas, my wife bought me one of those human cloning machines that they sell on TV for 129.99. At first, I didn’t have much of a use for it and it stayed in the back of my closet. However, I started getting some wacky ideas in June and began sending away for samples of the DNA of famous Borscht Belt comedians. I got an excellent mixture of Milton Berle, Shecky Greene, Mort Sahl, Buddy Hackett, Henny Youngman (his even came in a small violin case!) and a dash of Rodney Dangerfield. At a local DNA shop in downtown St. Paul, I purchased the DNA of several 1960s radicals like Huey P Newton, Abbie Hoffman and George McGovern.
Two days ago, I took all the DNA, threw it into the machine and, as per instruction, simmered for 12 hours. I just wanted to see what the combination would create. I wanted no trouble. What came out of the machine yesterday morning was beyond my worst nightmares. It was around 7 feet tall, had a cheap looking tuxedo and a blown out afro. It looked like a bizarre cross between Strom Thurmond and Julius Erving. It told me that it must find a club and do stand up comedy. I tried to stop it, but it tossed me aside and ran out the door. Minutes later, this creature burst into the VFW Hall located down the street from our home and began doing its routine for the 15 or so semi-drunken patrons. I was able to get there in time for the second half of the act. The following is a transcription of what took place.
Creature: What’s the difference between an American and a gorilla?
The gorilla won’t tell you it’s proud to be a gorilla.
Thanks, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.
Woman in the Audience: YOU SUCK!!!!
Creature: Thanks, you’re a dear. I wish I had my hunting license.
Man in the Audience: Get OFF THE STAGE, Idiot!
Creature: All right, all right! What has 600 million legs, over 1 million guns and an IQ under 70?
The American Public
Bartender: Shut UP! Please!!! I’ll call the police if you don’t get off of the stage!!!!!
Creature: How do you get 200 million Americans to vote?
Turn on American Idol
Thanks! Tip your servers!!!
Woman in the Audience: YOU SUCK!!!
Creature: Yeah, George W Bush, George W Bush…..The other day I asked Bush where’s the 20 dollars I loaned him. He said in the other room under the weapons of mass destruction. He went to get it and I never saw him again. But, hey, you re-elected him!!!! I LOVE THIS CROWD!!!!
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (bottle smashes behind The Creature’s head)
Creature: What’s the best part of voting in Florida?
Knowing it won’t count
Take My Wife, Please!
Man in the audience: Come back when you’re funny!
Creature: Hey, I forgot you were all Americans. Do you want me to repeat any of these slowly?
Audience: BOO!!!!! (three more bottles smashed against the wall behind The Creature)
Creature: What do you call an American who works 60 hours a week in order to pay off 25,000 dollars in credit card debt?
Free! Ya get it! Free! You guys are the best crowd I’ve had in months!
Man in the Audience: (over a chorus of boos and bottles smashing) SHUT UP! We’ll tear your eyes out!!!!!
Creature: Ahhhhhh….what are you going to do? Invade Iraq again!
A mob of angry patrons began to storm the stage. I ran up and grabbed The Creature by the arm and pulled it out of the bar. A group of three raging men ran after us as we sprinted down the street. After a few blocks, they stopped chasing us. We were both exhausted and safe….for now.
I realized later that night that this creature simply couldn’t exist in our world. It was too jaded, too unwilling to accept compromise, too hateful, too cynical. I had created a monster that did not belong in today’s America. It was just going to cause trouble and incite riots wherever it went. I knew what I had to do. I crept into the room where The Creature was sleeping and pushed a pillow over its face. It struggled and screamed, but after a minute or two, it stopped thrashing around. I went back to my room, turned on the television and fell asleep. The problem had been solved.