Posts Tagged Morbid Angel
Ozzy Checks Into Rehabilitation Center For Addiction To Marzipan
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on November 30, 2017
Heavy metal rocker Ozzy Osbourne reportedly checked into The Barbara Ford Center For Confectionary Addiction on Sunday morning after a weeklong Marzipan bender that nearly cost him his teeth and pancreas. He was found face-down in a bowl of lobster bisque at a diner in Manassas, Virginia late Saturday night. Doctors tested his Blood Glucose Level and found it to be 4 million milligrams per deciliter (over 3.9 million milligrams higher than it should have been), a clear sign of a Marzipan overdose.
Osbourne, who has recently cancelled a Black Sabbath show due to what some are calling a “Marzipan Hangover”, has struggled with addiction throughout a good portion of his career. Recently however, Ozzy has become incoherent when speaking, has fallen off the stage during concerts and burned 1/3 of Arizona to the ground while making a grilled cheese sandwich.
Addiction to Marzipan (or Marzy, as it is often called on the streets) is a particularly difficult habit to quit. People often begin eating the sticky, sweet substance at parties. Quickly, they will move onto smoking or snorting Marzipan to get a quicker, stronger high. From there, many addicts will boil the substance into a paste and inject it directly into their bloodstream.
At the height of Jimmy “Bloodwrench” Martin’s Marzipan addiction, he was shooting the substance directly into his eyeballs eight or nine times a day. Martin, the bass player for math rock legends Morbid Angle, was hooked on “Marzy” for 3 years before he realized he needed help.
“My teeth had begun to rot, I had sores all over my body, I developed Type 1 through 16 Diabetes…just to get that rush. I’d wake up at 3 AM in a cold sweat trying to get my Marzipan dealer on the phone. I sold my toaster, my television, even my bass at one point. I was desperate. Anything to get that fix.”
Martin has finally gotten clean. Today, he works at The Hershey Center in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania helping rehabilitate other Marzipan addicts.
“Things are rougher out there then they were when I was using. It’s not just Marzipan anymore. We’ve had 13-year-old kids come into the center after getting caught freebasing nougat. The Court sent one guy here because he tried to shoot an entire flan into his arm. It’s a crisis out there and nobody seems to be paying attention.”
While Ozzy is the first high profile, celebrity, heavy metal rock and roll rocker to seek help for his addiction other heavy metallers have run into problems with Marzipan. Irish authorities detained Testament singer Chuck Billy last year when he attempted to smuggle an entire Battenberg Cake (a dessert that uses so-called “Marzipan Frosting”) out of the country in his suitcase. Marzipan is not technically illegal in Ireland, so Billy was released, but he was placed on a Department of Homeland Security Watchlist due to the incident.
Morbid Angel To Reissue Limited Edition Copies of “Altars of Madness” Covered in Sriracha Sauce
Posted by Keith Spillett in Uncategorized on March 25, 2015
What do Thomas Jefferson, William Blake and Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer have in common? If you guessed that Morbid Angel is reissuing a thousand copies of “Altars of Madness” covered in Sriracha Sauce, you’d be correct.
That’s right, Sriracha sauce. That spicy sauce with the rooster on it that took America by storm in the summer of 2013. The sauce that has been linked to the death of famed character actor Wilford Brimley and Ghanaian President Kwame Nkrumah. The sauce that toppled the regime of Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega. The sauce that broke the major league record for most hit batsman in 1972. The sauce that indirectly led to the capture and beheading of Russian cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin by magpies. The sauce that Shakespeare himself claimed launched a thousand ships when he wrote the King James Edition of The Koran in 1861.
In 1905, Belgian doctor Wolfgang von Golfwang created Sriracha sauce in an attempt to manufacture a new version of blood. The chemical was pumped in the veins of several men who were born without blood in an attempt to help them increase their libido. While the chemical killed all the test subjects, it was later discovered that it would make a great topping for food from the Far East.
Morbid Angel first began listening to Sriracha sauce in 2001. Along with Yoko Ono’s second solo album, Sriracha sauce became singer and nasal vestibule David Vincent’s biggest influence. In a recent interview with Boys Life Magazine, Vincent claimed that “You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.”
(When I was a kid, my mother had a VW bug. It had the trunk in the front and an engine in the back. It didn’t make the car drive all that differently, but it was the sort of ‘unique’ feature you can put on an automobile in order to sell it to people who don’t really know the difference between a V6 and a V8 engine)
THIS WAS BEFORE DRONES!!!!!
(Anyway, one time on a lark, we filled the entire front trunk with fake chattering teeth. The ones you find in novelty shops or in Groucho Marx movies. This was back when people at gas stations would check your oil and pump your gas. We waited and waited for months for an attendant to not realize the whole front trunk thing and open up the front thinking he was checking the engine)
MAKE THE HAMSTERS STOP RUNNING IN CIRCLES ON MY FACE!!!!
(Well, this went on for months and nobody ever opened the trunk. So we got the idea that I would ride in the front trunk with the false teeth and bang ever so slightly on the hood of the car to make it appear as if the engine were making a strange noise. After three months trapped inside the car, an elderly mechanic fell for it and opened it only to find me, covered from head to toe in mayonnaise in a trunk filled with chattering teeth. He fell over dead on the spot. Hours later, Iranian militants took over the American embassy beginning the worst hostage crisis in American history and single-handedly clearing a path for Ben Affleck to win an Academy Award. I can’t help but think that I am responsible and to this day break into tears anytime I see an Ayatollah Khomeini bobblehead doll)
The reissue of the album will feature a Bee-Gees style remix of “Chapel of Ghouls” along with a recent live cover of “The Pina Colada Song” by Rupert Holmes. Unfortunately, Morbid Angel no longer own the rights to the song “Maze of Torment” and, therefore, were unable to put it on the newest version. The original was in a hope chest in the living room of the band’s former bugle player Mike Browning. In 2008, Browning’s home was robbed by futuristic droids who escaped in a flying DeLorean piloted by Michael J. Fox with “Maze of Torment” and 46 pounds of cream cheese in tow.
Would you be mad if I stapled your tongue to your forehead? Are you failed children?
Atlanta Falcons Fire Former Suffocation Drummer Mike Smith
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on December 29, 2014
The organization that many refer to as “The Cleveland Browns of The South” fired death metal drummer Mike Smith during a confusing morning press conference today at Flowery Branch. Team owner Arthur Blank cited Smith, whose speed and precision made him a legend during his days as skinsman for Long Island Slam-o-death kings Suffocation, as a major reason for the team’s horrendous performance over the past two seasons.
“Mike’s work, particularly on the double bass pedal, will be remembered by this organization, but things just weren’t clicking and we decided we needed to go in another direction,” said Blank to a room full of bewildered Atlanta media members.
Reports had surfaced earlier this week that Blank was growing increasingly frustrated with Smith’s decision making. The owner was particularly unhappy with what he referred to as “Smith’s poor time signature management”.
Much of Blank’s dissatisfaction stemmed from a Suffocation concert he had attended back in 1993 where Smith accidentally called a timeout during the last few measures of the song “Effigy of The Forgotten”. A source close to the team admitted that Blank blamed the drummer’s mistake for a close loss to Cleveland earlier in the season.
Smith, who was at his home in Coram, Long Island during the game, was surprised that a football team who had never hired him had chosen to blame him for their failures and terminate his non-existent contract.
“I got a call a few weeks ago from some raving lunatic who claimed to own the Falcons. He started telling me that if the Falcons didn’t make the playoffs I was going to lose my job. I told him I had never even been to a Falcon game. He said something like ‘maybe that’s why the team is underperforming’.”
“Last night, he called me back yelling about how much he hated the album ‘Breeding The Spawn’ and how the whole season was my fault. Then, he told me I was fired and hung up. It was all very strange.”
In spite of the fact that Smith has nothing to do with the team, he admitted that he had watched the 31-point shellacking at the hands of the Panthers and was disappointed that the team had “performed poorly in all four phases of the game…offense, defense, special teams and cookie monster vocals.”
General Manager Thomas Dimitroff has already begun a search for Smith’s successor. This morning, the organization contacted Deicide about the availability of drummer Steve Asheim. One report claimed the Falcons are seriously considering pursuing free agent drummer Gene Hoglan to fill the make-believe vacancy. The team, however, has denied they have any interest in hiring former 49ers coach and Morbid Angel drummer Jim Harbaugh because he is “too extreme”.
The Ten Best Metal Songs To Play When At A Fast Food Drive-Thru Window
Posted by Keith Spillett in The One Time I Left The House on December 5, 2013
There are many hidden pleasures in being a metalhead. That moment where you start talking to a stranger and realize he actually knows that Peter Steele was in Carnivore before he was in Type O Negative. The moment where you are at the gym and you see a person on the workout machine next to you wearing a Carcass Heartwork tee-shirt. That feeling you get when you are watching a bad, 1980s made-for-television movie about high school and notice one of the extras wearing a jacket with a giant Nuclear Assault patch on the back. You’ll meet a ton of people throughout your life who think metal is nothing more than bad hairstyles, ripped up jeans and “Enter Sandman”, but that moment when you really feel the presence of another member of our bizarre little community is truly a compelling experience.
There is another type of joy that being a metalhead can produce. Very few things are as invigorating as the feeling of completely freaking out unsuspecting strangers with your music and all of the insane, preposterous imagery that surrounds it. A bunch of senior citizens walk by you in the mall. They notice you rocking that vintage Cannibal Corpse “Eaten Back To Life” shirt and quickly avert their eyes. You imagine them wandering around Sears twenty minutes later muttering about how society is in the brink of collapse and decrying the death of all that is sacred and humane.
I’ll admit, it’s a bit of a cheap thrill, but there are some days that this sort of savage and surreal amusement can fill you with a genuine zest for life. Over the years, I’ve learned how to create and actively seek out these sorts of situations. I’ve experimented with many different methods of achieving this sort of “gore-vana”, in some cases with disastrous consequences. However, the one sure-fire place I know I can count on creating a minute or two of total metal-induced awkwardness and not be forced to spend an evening in the county lock-up is at the drive-thru window at fast food restaurants.
You drive up to the window with the first track of Suffocation’s “Effigy of the Forgotten” (Liege of Inveracity) booming through your speakers. The person working there has probably spent most of the day having their humanity completely ignored or, even better, being scolded by vengeful, self-righteous morons deeply scarred by the fact that two weeks ago the Wendy’s forgot to include packets of ketchup with their Value Meal. They are in that mode we so often see in consumer cultures, where the employee is simply treading water in the hopes of surviving the low wages and disrespect that are supposed to one day connect them to that shining pot of gold that politicians and suckers like to refer to as The American Dream.
Then you come along, blasting Frank Mullen’s doglike vocals and Mike Smith’s demented blast beats. That blank stare quickly changes into an expression of total confusion. What sort of person listens to this madness on purpose? Is this person a psychopath who feeds on the blood-curdled screams of the children locked in the trunk of his car? What does this unshaven weirdo hear in this music that I can’t?
You are the great and frightening Other. The Alien. The one who awakens them from their post-capitalist, slumbering nightmare for a brief second in order that they have something to post about on Twitter before they collapse into the awful sameness of reality television and quiet rage.
Over the years, I’ve accumulated a few songs that I believe are perfect for these moments. If you are having a boring afternoon and want a little more adventure in your life, try blaring one of these the next time you are picking up a cheeseburger. (For added effect, wear corpsepaint and sing along loudly and off key)
10. Anything From Gorguts-Obscura. I say anything because, as much as I love that album, I have no idea of the difference between any of the songs. (This also applies to most pre-2000s black metal)
9. Vader-Decapitated Saints. Those fast, indecipherable vocals are great, particularly if you are able to bug your eyes out and work up one of those Charles Manson looking stares.
8. Misfits-Bullet (Before you start whining about the whole it’s not metal, it’s punk thing, please understand that I find that conversation almost absurd and pointless as listening to someone describe how to properly prepare hog maws) The lyrics from this one are bound to at least elicit a smirk from your mark. Particularly when you get to the part where he starts saying, well, you know….
7. Slayer-Altar of Sacrifice. This one is a bit tricky. It involves timing. If you can manage to have Araya bellowing “Enter To The Realm of Satan!!!” right as you are presented with your jumbo-sized Diet Coke, you will achieve maximum effect.
6. Metallica-Creeping Death. Same as above except you need to sync it up with “DIE…BY MY HAND!!!”.
5. Suffocation-Liege of Inveracity. We’ve discussed this.
4. Manowar-Black, Wind, Fire and Steel. It’s not the most intimidating song on this list by a long shot, but something about that note Eric Adams holds for a half an hour at the end of the song really works for the situation.
3. Cannibal Corpse-Hammer Smashed Face I’ve tried many different options when it comes to inducing Cannibal Corpse freakouts, but for my money, this is the one that produces the most terror.
2. Morbid Angel-Hatework Part 70s horror film score, part growl from the depths of Hell, this song has a way of leaving lasting scars on the uninitated. For years, I used the last three minutes of God of Emptiness, but this seems to make more of an impact.
1. Deicide-Dead By Dawn This song, by far, has gotten me the most perplexed, stupefied looks. Glen Benton isn’t good for much, but making some high school wage slave drop a Frosty all over the register is an area in which he excels.
Deicide To Record Yet Another Yoga Themed Satanic Death Metal Album
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 6, 2013
Here we go again! In the hopes of cashing in on a trend that seems to never go away, Florida death metal legends have become the 318th band to record an album focusing on the obvious connection between Satanism and yoga. The album, tentatively titled “Hellward Facing Dog”, is scheduled for release in September in an attempt to not coincide with the hundreds of satanic yoga albums due out this summer.
Since the release of Virginia Republican Lieutenant Gubernatorial candidate E.W. Jackson’s 2008 book Ten Commandments To An Extraordinary Life: Making Your Dreams Come True, which claims that yoga opens the soul to tampering by the devil, a nearly endless stream of Satan-themed yoga metal albums have come and gone. “The connection is so obvious it seems passé at this point,” said lifetime yoga practitioner and devil worshiper Billy “Gore Tornado” Yee, “it’s obvious that if you engage in a spiritual practice that in any way steps outside the Western religious tradition or that seems, well, weird, you are bound to have your soul turned into Swiss cheese by the Dark Lord himself. It was just a matter of time before the metal world caught up.”
Boy, have they ever caught up! Satanic yoga metal classes have moved from fringe exercises performed by a legion of hate mongering savages to a regular activity taught at your local YMCA. Morbid Angel’s yoga video “Sweatin’ With Satan” was the number 3 workout video in the country in 2009. The classic “horns-up” metal salute has been jettisoned in favor of a Buddhist hand mudra. Moshing, once common at metal shows, has been replaced by groups of angry, tee shirt clad metalheads reciting mantras while seated in lotus position.
Deicide frontman Glen Benton, a “satanic purist” who had previously claimed to have no interest in the yogafying the band’s sound, has recently embraced the ancient art and even appeared on the television show “The View” to do poses with host Elizabeth Hasselbeck. During the show, Benton admitted he was wrong about yoga and had never really taken the time to consider how sitting quietly in meditation and reconnecting with his body would allow him to unlock the “Satan within” that he had been seeking most of his adult life. Benton went on to say that Deicide was considering using the next tour to promote even more controversial satanic practices like playing soccer and eating yogurt.
New Megadeth Song So Bad It Will Give Your Kids Hepatitis, Says Controversial Doctor
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on May 1, 2013
While many reviewers and enraged Megadeth fans have panned the new single “Supercollider”, one man has taken his criticism a step further. Dr. Josef Kranken, a researcher recently fired from the Monsanto Corporation, claims that, in a study conducted using one hundred volunteer 8-year-olds from a Phoenix elementary school, he has found evidence that repeated exposure to “Supercollider” could lead to inflammation of the liver consistent with the Hepatitis X virus.
Of the 50 children infected with the new Megadeth song, 46 of them developed symptoms within 3 to 5 hours. The other 50 students, who only listened to songs off of “Rust In Peace”, showed no immediate health issues and, in fact, scored higher on standardized tests the following day.
Up until recently, Hepatitis X was referred to as Hepatitis D. The virus changed its name during its conversion to Islam while in prison in 2010. It is best known for causing an enormous growth in the size of people’s ears and large, droopy sacks of skin to bulging from a person’s forehead. If not treated within 48 hours, it can lead to teeth growing out of the back of the victim’s neck.
This is not Dr. Kranken’s first foray into studying the health effects of heavy metal on human beings. He authored a paper two years called “The Great Radikult Syphilis Epidemic of 2011” where he forecast a major worldwide outbreak of syphilis due to Morbid Angel’s release of the album “IIud Divinum Insanus”. The study was debunked by several doctors, including noted Harvard immunologist Dr. Steven Copley, who went on to famously quip “the only possible way to catch a venereal disease listening to heavy metal is by standing too close to Vince Neil during a Motley Crue concert.”
Kranken, who graduated from University of Phoenix in 1979 with a degree in botanical psychology, was a top researcher for the Monsanto Corporation for over 20 years. He worked on some of Monsanto’s most infamous projects including the one that convinced the company to market Posilac (or rBST), a chemical that has been known to cause extreme suffering in cows. In his 1993 review of the effects of Posilac, he concluded that cows “might actually grow to enjoy the feeling of having gargantuan, swollen utters”. Monsanto fired Kranken in 2009 when he refused to work on a program designed to create 1000-pound flesh-eating rats for the Chinese military.