Posts Tagged Morbid Angel

Ozzy Checks Into Rehabilitation Center For Addiction To Marzipan

Ozzy After Passing Out In A Bowl of Soup Saturday Night

Ozzy After Passing Out In A Bowl of Soup on Saturday Night

Heavy metal rocker Ozzy Osbourne reportedly checked into The Barbara Ford Center For Confectionary Addiction on Sunday morning after a weeklong Marzipan bender that nearly cost him his teeth and pancreas. He was found face-down in a bowl of lobster bisque at a diner in Manassas, Virginia late Saturday night. Doctors tested his Blood Glucose Level and found it to be 4 million milligrams per deciliter (over 3.9 million milligrams higher than it should have been), a clear sign of a Marzipan overdose.

Osbourne, who has recently cancelled a Black Sabbath show due to what some are calling a “Marzipan Hangover”, has struggled with addiction throughout a good portion of his career. Recently however, Ozzy has become incoherent when speaking, has fallen off the stage during concerts and burned 1/3 of Arizona to the ground while making a grilled cheese sandwich.

Ozzy Can't Figure Out Why The Motorcycle Won't Move

Ozzy Exhibiting Marzipan Dementia…Unsure Why The Bike Won’t Start

Addiction to Marzipan (or Marzy, as it is often called on the streets) is a particularly difficult habit to quit. People often begin eating the sticky, sweet substance at parties. Quickly, they will move onto smoking or snorting Marzipan to get a quicker, stronger high. From there, many addicts will boil the substance into a paste and inject it directly into their bloodstream.

At the height of Jimmy “Bloodwrench” Martin’s Marzipan addiction, he was shooting the substance directly into his eyeballs eight or nine times a day. Martin, the bass player for math rock legends Morbid Angle, was hooked on “Marzy” for 3 years before he realized he needed help.

“My teeth had begun to rot, I had sores all over my body, I developed Type 1 through 16 Diabetes…just to get that rush. I’d wake up at 3 AM in a cold sweat trying to get my Marzipan dealer on the phone. I sold my toaster, my television, even my bass at one point. I was desperate. Anything to get that fix.”

Martin has finally gotten clean. Today, he works at The Hershey Center in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania helping rehabilitate other Marzipan addicts.

“Things are rougher out there then they were when I was using. It’s not just Marzipan anymore. We’ve had 13-year-old kids come into the center after getting caught freebasing nougat. The Court sent one guy here because he tried to shoot an entire flan into his arm. It’s a crisis out there and nobody seems to be paying attention.”

Ozzy Mistakes Kermit For A Marzipan Cupcake, Tries To Eat Him

Ozzy Mistakes Kermit For A Marzipan Cupcake, Tries To Eat Him

While Ozzy is the first high profile, celebrity, heavy metal rock and roll rocker to seek help for his addiction other heavy metallers have run into problems with Marzipan. Irish authorities detained Testament singer Chuck Billy last year when he attempted to smuggle an entire Battenberg Cake (a dessert that uses so-called “Marzipan Frosting”) out of the country in his suitcase. Marzipan is not technically illegal in Ireland, so Billy was released, but he was placed on a Department of Homeland Security Watchlist due to the incident.

, , , , , , , , , ,

4 Comments

Mike Browning Rejoins Morbid Angel, Announces Split With Band

11292816_890988530942266_125882583_n

Former Morbid Angel drummer and vocalist Mike Browning has rejoined and since left Morbid Angel, according to a press release earlier today. Browning’s lasting contribution to the death metal group was his appearance on the band’s shelved first album, Abominations of Desolation, which was subsequently released after Altars of Madness.

“It was really great to be back in the fold for 10 hours,” stated the drummer, “but it was clear that financial and creative differences were untenable, and I cannot participate in Morbid Angel any longer.”

In a dispatch from the Morbid Angel camp, Trey Azagthoth said, “We really appreciate Mike’s efforts in the band, and we hope that he finds success in his future endeavors.”

At press time, former drummer Wayne Hartsell was spotted heading into Morbid Angel’s studio for an audition.

, , ,

Leave a comment

Trey Azagthoth Parts Ways With Morbid Angel

11647388_889591247748661_1454410085_n

Founding guitarist Trey Azagthoth announced today that he is parting ways with death metal titans Morbid Angel. The news follows in the wake of the dissolution of the current lineup, with bassist/vocalist David Vincent, drummer Tim Yeung, and guitarist Destructhor all dismissed by Azagthoth. Now the only continuous member in Morbid Angel’s nearly 30-year run plans to depart as well.

“The situation in the band has become untenable, with musical and financial considerations remaining unresolved. I can no longer commit to participating and performing in this fashion,” stated Trey, “I wish [returning bassist/vocalist] Steve Tucker the best with Morbid Angel, and I am looking forward to new endeavors of my own.”

At press time, sole remaining member Steve Tucker is sitting in front of his computer with a stunned expression and his mouth hanging open.

, , , ,

Leave a comment

David Vincent to Front Counter at McDonald’s

11327795_887356081305511_397547158_n

Following the controversy in the ousting of Morbid Angel mainstay David Vincent, the bassist/vocalist has announced that he will immediately begin working on a new endeavor, which is fronting a counter at a local McDonald’s.

“McDonald’s is my kind of place,” said Vincent in a press release, “and I know I can really make an impact there. What that restaurant needs is star power and charisma, which is exactly what I bring to the table.”

Vincent went on to discuss how he plans to put patrons in awe with his commanding presence, whether it’s asking if they’d like to supersize their meal, or if they want any extra ketchup packets.

“Morbid Angel had a great run, but I really need to spread my wings and make something I can call my own,” said the former frontman, “I think this is my answer. I hear there’s a lot of room for advancement, and I plan to dominate this place in a few short months.”

At press time, there is no report as to whether or not Mr. Vincent is aware that living hardcore and radikult is strictly prohibited by McDonald’s corporate policy.

,

Leave a comment

Morbid Angel To Reissue Limited Edition Copies of “Altars of Madness” Covered in Sriracha Sauce

Doesn't This Thing Look Like It Is From An Episode of Scooby-Doo?

Doesn’t This Thing Look Like It Is From An Episode of Scooby-Doo?

What do Thomas Jefferson, William Blake and Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer have in common? If you guessed that Morbid Angel is reissuing a thousand copies of “Altars of Madness” covered in Sriracha Sauce, you’d be correct.

That’s right, Sriracha sauce. That spicy sauce with the rooster on it that took America by storm in the summer of 2013. The sauce that has been linked to the death of famed character actor Wilford Brimley and Ghanaian President Kwame Nkrumah. The sauce that toppled the regime of Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega. The sauce that broke the major league record for most hit batsman in 1972. The sauce that indirectly led to the capture and beheading of Russian cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin by magpies. The sauce that Shakespeare himself claimed launched a thousand ships when he wrote the King James Edition of The Koran in 1861.

o-SRIRACHA-facebook

In 1905, Belgian doctor Wolfgang von Golfwang created Sriracha sauce in an attempt to manufacture a new version of blood. The chemical was pumped in the veins of several men who were born without blood in an attempt to help them increase their libido. While the chemical killed all the test subjects, it was later discovered that it would make a great topping for food from the Far East.

Morbid Angel first began listening to Sriracha sauce in 2001. Along with Yoko Ono’s second solo album, Sriracha sauce became singer and nasal vestibule David Vincent’s biggest influence. In a recent interview with Boys Life Magazine, Vincent claimed that “You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.”

(When I was a kid, my mother had a VW bug. It had the trunk in the front and an engine in the back. It didn’t make the car drive all that differently, but it was the sort of ‘unique’ feature you can put on an automobile in order to sell it to people who don’t really know the difference between a V6 and a V8 engine)

THIS WAS BEFORE DRONES!!!!!

(Anyway, one time on a lark, we filled the entire front trunk with fake chattering teeth. The ones you find in novelty shops or in Groucho Marx movies. This was back when people at gas stations would check your oil and pump your gas. We waited and waited for months for an attendant to not realize the whole front trunk thing and open up the front thinking he was checking the engine)

MAKE THE HAMSTERS STOP RUNNING IN CIRCLES ON MY FACE!!!!

(Well, this went on for months and nobody ever opened the trunk. So we got the idea that I would ride in the front trunk with the false teeth and bang ever so slightly on the hood of the car to make it appear as if the engine were making a strange noise. After three months trapped inside the car, an elderly mechanic fell for it and opened it only to find me, covered from head to toe in mayonnaise in a trunk filled with chattering teeth. He fell over dead on the spot. Hours later, Iranian militants took over the American embassy beginning the worst hostage crisis in American history and single-handedly clearing a path for Ben Affleck to win an Academy Award. I can’t help but think that I am responsible and to this day break into tears anytime I see an Ayatollah Khomeini bobblehead doll)

Evil D:  Keepin' It Real

Evil D: Keepin’ It Real

The reissue of the album will feature a Bee-Gees style remix of “Chapel of Ghouls” along with a recent live cover of “The Pina Colada Song” by Rupert Holmes. Unfortunately, Morbid Angel no longer own the rights to the song “Maze of Torment” and, therefore, were unable to put it on the newest version. The original was in a hope chest in the living room of the band’s former bugle player Mike Browning. In 2008, Browning’s home was robbed by futuristic droids who escaped in a flying DeLorean piloted by Michael J. Fox with “Maze of Torment” and 46 pounds of cream cheese in tow.

Would you be mad if I stapled your tongue to your forehead? Are you failed children?

1974 VW BUG (24)

, , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

Atlanta Falcons Fire Former Suffocation Drummer Mike Smith

Smith Moments After The Team's 34-3 Loss To Carolina

Smith Moments After The Team’s 34-3 Loss To Carolina

The organization that many refer to as “The Cleveland Browns of The South” fired death metal drummer Mike Smith during a confusing morning press conference today at Flowery Branch. Team owner Arthur Blank cited Smith, whose speed and precision made him a legend during his days as skinsman for Long Island Slam-o-death kings Suffocation, as a major reason for the team’s horrendous performance over the past two seasons.

“Mike’s work, particularly on the double bass pedal, will be remembered by this organization, but things just weren’t clicking and we decided we needed to go in another direction,” said Blank to a room full of bewildered Atlanta media members.

Owner Arthur Blank Fielding A Question About The Album "Blood Oath" Earlier Today

Owner Arthur Blank Fielding A Question About The Album “Blood Oath” Earlier Today

Reports had surfaced earlier this week that Blank was growing increasingly frustrated with Smith’s decision making. The owner was particularly unhappy with what he referred to as “Smith’s poor time signature management”.

Much of Blank’s dissatisfaction stemmed from a Suffocation concert he had attended back in 1993 where Smith accidentally called a timeout during the last few measures of the song “Effigy of The Forgotten”. A source close to the team admitted that Blank blamed the drummer’s mistake for a close loss to Cleveland earlier in the season.

Julio Jones Not Fumbling During Yesterday's Game

Falcons Receiver Julio Jones Not Fumbling During Yesterday’s Game

Smith, who was at his home in Coram, Long Island during the game, was surprised that a football team who had never hired him had chosen to blame him for their failures and terminate his non-existent contract.

“I got a call a few weeks ago from some raving lunatic who claimed to own the Falcons. He started telling me that if the Falcons didn’t make the playoffs I was going to lose my job. I told him I had never even been to a Falcon game. He said something like ‘maybe that’s why the team is underperforming’.”

“Last night, he called me back yelling about how much he hated the album ‘Breeding The Spawn’ and how the whole season was my fault.  Then, he told me I was fired and hung up.  It was all very strange.”

In spite of the fact that Smith has nothing to do with the team, he admitted that he had watched the 31-point shellacking at the hands of the Panthers and was disappointed that the team had “performed poorly in all four phases of the game…offense, defense, special teams and cookie monster vocals.”

General Manager Thomas Dimitroff has already begun a search for Smith’s successor. This morning, the organization contacted Deicide about the availability of drummer Steve Asheim. One report claimed the Falcons are seriously considering pursuing free agent drummer Gene Hoglan to fill the make-believe vacancy. The team, however, has denied they have any interest in hiring former 49ers coach and Morbid Angel drummer Jim Harbaugh because he is “too extreme”.

, , , , , ,

4 Comments

Coming Out Poser: Eight Terrible Admissions From The Depths of The Metal Closet

Morbid

Rarely do I ever tell the truth on this website. As a matter of fact, the purpose of the site is to declare war on the asinine construction that we have termed reality. However, I feel an unnatural obligation to level with you this morning. I write all sorts of terrible things about strangers, why shouldn’t I write an article that entirely discredits myself as a metalhead and in the process alienates a good 2/3rds of the audience?

I’m going to admit to a few things in this article that may make you uncomfortable. They are all horribly true. I make no apologies for myself. I know what I like and what I don’t like. Unfortunately, many things I like are terribly embarrassing. The awful truth is…I’m a poser.

7. My favorite Judas Priest song is from the Ripper Owens era

Not many people have given the Ripper Owens years their just due. Two excellent studio albums from a vocalist who only years earlier was covering “Turbo Lover” in front of 12 Clevelanders on open mic Mondays. On the first of those albums, he recorded the song “Cathedral Spires” which is one of the most incredible pieces of music I’ve ever heard. He’s not Rob Halford, but besides Rob Halford, who is?

I know the correct answer is to say something from the Halford era like “Hell Patrol” or “Dissident Aggressor” in order to prove the depth of my Judas Priest knowledge. Or I could claim it is “Metal Gods” or “Electric Eye” and rail on about how one of these songs found me at a low point in my life and changed me at a spiritual level. But, truthfully, while I love all of the aforementioned songs, I’ll take Spires any day of the week.

6. I’ve listened to more Tangerine Dream in the past year than Iron Maiden and Slayer combined

I know as a metalhead I’m supposed to get on bended knee every morning and thank Odin that the gods deemed us worthy of hearing Bruce Dickinson howl the chorus to “Aces High”. Every moment of my waking life should be devoted to air drumming the fills from “Seasons in The Abyss”. I’ve listened to these records a million times. People would get sick of ice cream if they ate it everyday for twenty years. These, and many other albums critical to “the metal experience”, bore me to tears at this point. I’m much more interested in exploring music I’m less familiar with than sacrificing more of my time on The Altar of True Metal.

5. I have no idea what is happening in most black metal songs (“The Emperor Has No Corpsepaint” hypothesis)

There are about eight black metal songs I like. As much as I respect the fact that musicians who play this style of music are capable of producing noises that resemble a walrus with indigestion, I can’t say I really know what on earth they are doing. As a matter of fact, I have a theory that no one actually likes black metal all that much. We pretend to because we don’t want to be the one person who admits they don’t see the appeal in a bunch of grown men dressing up like the Wyrd Sisters from Macbeth, shrieking about their love Yog-Sothoth.

immortal

4. I really don’t care when legendary heavy metal figures die

I feel bad for everyone who personally knew and loved Dio, Hanneman and Dime. They lost real flesh and blood humans in their lives. However, the outpouring of RIPing that comes out of people based on the passing of people that they don’t know is staggering. I have no doubt that these people and many others had a huge impact on the genre and probably wrote a song or two that made a bad day better, but come on. People die constantly. Everywhere. It’s the one thing human beings are consistently good at. Turning a genuine tragedy for the friends and family of a person you don’t know into your own because the musician wrote a few riffs you liked is grotesque and bizarre. Life is miserable enough without parachuting into someone else’s misfortune.

3. Don’t Call Me Your Brother, Cause I Ain’t Your @#%^ing Brother

This whole “Brotherhood of Metal” thing is hysterical. I meet people all the time I can’t stand. Including metalheads. Generally, I have a low threshold of tolerance for morons, whether they have the first Overkill album or not. The minute you start mentally tormenting some sock-brained metalhead online for spouting off nonsense that would embarrass a self-aware 7 year old or telling some guy with a Deicide tee-shirt that his children will probably have hooves, one schmuck invariably chimes in with the “why can’t metalheads get along” nonsense. Here’s why…because the number of mouth breathing idiots in the metal community is equal to the amount of inarticulate dolts in the world at large. This isn’t kindergarten. I don’t have to be nice to someone because we both happen to like Sepultura.

2a. I dread going to metal concerts

I really don’t like to leave my house much anyway, but the idea of being crammed into a really loud, dimly lit room smelling the armpits of beer soaked strangers is a fate worse than death for me. Usually, the music is way too loud and I get aggravated waiting through opening bands which are often as entertaining as cholera. I was so bored watching Zakk Wylde at OzzFest I actually fell asleep. Which was significantly more enjoyable than having the guy next to me either A. ask me whether I think Phil Anselmo is back on the heroin or B. Tell me about the time he saw so and so open for so and so in some backwater, lice infested bar way before anyone had ever heard of them.

2b. The whole moshing thing embarrassing

Concerts are expensive and, as noted above, banal, disgusting experiences. The single worst part about them is having to spend the time I’d like to take watching a band I came out to see and dedicating it to not having my feet stepped on by some neo-Cro-Magnon lummox who, instead of hashing out his troubles in group therapy, has decided that running headlong into a group of equally troubled delinquents is a way to release the demons.

People talk about mosh pits like they are mystical experiences (“I’ll never forget the night back in 1987 when we made The Wall of Death at a Nuclear Assault concert”). Really, it’s just a bunch of people running around and bumping into each other with mean looks on their faces. It’s not all that different from Black Friday at Target.

1.  I Don’t Mind The Last Morbid Angel Album

I debated putting this in here, because to be honest, admitting this is the equivalent of telling a beautiful woman you are interested in that in your free time you like to make masks out of human skin and paint using other people’s blood. This album was so universally panned by critics and fans alike that you would have thought it featured Kevin Costner with gills. I’ve made fun of it on several occasions. If Mother Theresa was still alive, she’d have made fun of it.

I remember reading this interview with David Vincent after the album came out where he said some preposterous thing like “you don’t know it yet, but this will end up being your favorite Morbid Angel album.” I couldn’t even believe he could get that out with a straight face. Yet, honestly, every time that silly “crossing the line since 1989” song comes on my iPod, I end up listening to the whole thing. I don’t even mind the “Destructos” song. Or the one where he starts babbling in Spanish. I’ve listened to those songs much more frequently than I’ve busted out anything else by them…so maybe he had a point.

, , , , , , , , , , ,

33 Comments

%d bloggers like this: